girlfriend keeps contact with ex

Hiroshima twinky · 20-04-2015 9:46pm #1

I've been going out with my current girlfriend for 4 and a half months now and it'd been fantastic. She broke up with her ex of around 5/6 months 3/4 months before we started going out. From what I know it was a pretty tough break up. He slept with his ex early on in there relationship and after they'd been going out a while he exchanged nudes with a close friend of hers on snapchat. She told me this herself and has spoken openly about him in the past but I've noticed whenever I see her on snapchat there's generally a pic/message from him and he is amongst her 'best friends' on it. I asked her a while ago why she was talking to him and she said he went to the dit open day and she wanted to find out what it was like. I was skeptical but let it go. Now he still appears as one of her best friends and I am getting growing concerned about it.

Should I say something to her?
How do I go about bringing it up??

nc19 · 20-04-2015 10:06pm

My advise on things like this is the same as always

You're young. It's a new relationship. You most likely will not be with this girl for the rest of your life.

Tell her how you feel. If she's not willing to cut contact then she's not worth your time so move on.

No point worrying about it and equally not point being the sap that gets walked over. Be a strong man and move on if needs be.

woodchuck · 20-04-2015 10:52pm

Why does this bother you? I think you need to address your own insecurities. A lot of people stay friends with their exs. She's doing nothing wrong.

LadyAthame · 21-04-2015 2:07am

Talk about it with her. I would be wary too. Tell her how you feel and talk about it. I don't know whether or not cutting contact is how you want to go about it. Ask her what the boundaries are with this ex.

But talk rather than keep it bottled. Is there something else that makes you distrust her?

Wompa1 · 21-04-2015 2:19am

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

I've been going out with my current girlfriend for 4 and a half months now and it'd been fantastic. She broke up with her ex of around 5/6 months 3/4 months before we started going out. From what I know it was a pretty tough break up. He slept with his ex early on in there relationship and after they'd been going out a while he exchanged nudes with a close friend of hers on snapchat. She told me this herself and has spoken openly about him in the past but I've noticed whenever I see her on snapchat there's generally a pic/message from him and he is amongst her 'best friends' on it. I asked her a while ago why she was talking to him and she said he went to the dit open day and she wanted to find out what it was like. I was skeptical but let it go. Now he still appears as one of her best friends and I am getting growing concerned about it.

Should I say something to her?
How do I go about bringing it up??

I just read this to my Fiance who's a trained counselor but since you're not a patient she doesn't have to sugar coat the advice.

Trust your instincts but you should talk to her about this: "I understand he's a good friend but it's a concerning issue for you and you'd like to get to the bottom of it."

If you don't feel secure and believe you can't move forward with the relationship with her being friends with him then maybe you should re-consider

sam34 · 21-04-2015 6:48am

I'm always suspicious of people who, when in a relatively new relationship, start making issues about who their bf/gf is friends with or in contact with. It smacks of insecurity and controlling ways. Anyone who tried it with me got their P45 fairly sharpish.

Op, she can be friends with this guy if she wants. Plenty of people stay in contact with exes. You either trust her or you don't. If you do, there's no problem. If you don't, why are you with her?

Grandpa Hassan · 21-04-2015 6:57am

sam34 wrote: »

I'm always suspicious of people who, when in a relatively new relationship, start making issues about who their bf/gf is friends with or in contact with. It smacks of insecurity and controlling ways. Anyone who tried it with me got their P45 fairly sharpish.

Op, she can be friends with this guy if she wants. Plenty of people stay in contact with exes. You either trust her or you don't. If you do, there's no problem. If you don't, why are you with her?

I agree. I think this is your issue, OP, not your gf's. My ex is one of my closest friends. If my gf couldn't deal with that I would be worried about how insecure she was.

The Dark Side · 21-04-2015 8:29am

I'd be concerned too.

An ex is an ex for a reason. I'm always highly suspicious of people who feel the need to stay in contact with their ex's. I suspect they need the validation.

pookie82 · 21-04-2015 8:49am

If they'd had a great relationship and just parted ways amicably and resolved to remain good friends, it'd be one thing.

Sounds like this guy was a grade A ass to her while together. Why would she want to keep someone like that in her life? I'd be suspicious to be honest that he has some sort of hold over her. He slept with his ex early on while he was with her but she presumably stayed with him until she caught him sending nudes to her friend.

Snapchat is an odd way to keep in touch with an ex IMO. Texting is one thing, snapchat is completely centered on images, some of which can veer into the risque if there's sexual history there. Why not just text someone if you want to be "friends"?

magicmushroom · 21-04-2015 12:34pm

I do agree with some posters that exes can stay friends with nothing more to it, but this situation sounds a bit dodgy to me.

Firstly, the communication is through snapchat which is pictures, not really much text you can put in them. If you are asking someone about an Open Day at college, snapchat is hardly the handiest way to do that, is it?

Secondly, he wasn't a very nice guy to be with so why stay friends? He treated her like poo.

I think the OP is correct to be wary - he doesn't come across as 'insecure' to me, he sounds like he is correctly uncomfortable with the situation, I definitely don't think her actions she be dismissed as perfectly acceptable at all.

There's not really a solution to the problem though - you can't ask her to stop the communication with him.
My honest feeling is that she is probably not completely over him, even though he treated her badly she still harbours feeling for him - you know the whole 'treat em mean, keep em keen' type of thing?

Maybe not worth ending a relationship over if it's going well in all other areas, she'll probably get bored of him in time, but if it's still going on a few months down the line I would have to move on. No one deserves to be in a relationship that makes them feel concerned.

pookie82 · 21-04-2015 12:41pm

magicmushroom wrote: »

Firstly, the communication is through snapchat which is pictures, not really much text you can put in them. If you are asking someone about an Open Day at college, snapchat is hardly the handiest way to do that, is it?

Exactly. Email or text is the proper medium to do that in, one would have thought. Sounds like a bit of a bluff to me. You can't write much text in a snap, it's all about the photos ...

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 12:46pm

pookie82 wrote:

Exactly. Email or text is the proper medium to do that in, one would have thought. Sounds like a bit of a bluff to me. You can't write much text in a snap, it's all about the photos ...

It was the text side of snapchat. As far as I'm aware you can send messages without pictures on it. I will admit that on thst occasion it definitely wasn't pictures bit the story still seems like a bluff looking back on it. I can't imagine she'd want to get back with someone like that after what he did so I'm very puzzled as to what's actually going on there without shooting myself in the foot

magicmushroom · 21-04-2015 12:57pm

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

It was the text side of snapchat. As far as I'm aware you can send messages without pictures on it. I will admit that on thst occasion it definitely wasn't pictures bit the story still seems like a bluff looking back on it. I can't imagine she'd want to get back with someone like that after what he did so I'm very puzzled as to what's actually going on there without shooting myself in the foot

I wouldn't think that she wants to get back with him but if there are lingering feelings there, just getting a bit of attention from him might be what she's after. That's why I suggested maybe just waiting a while as she'll probably get bored and over it, especially if things with you are good.

I still think Snapchat is an odd way to keep in touch with someone - if she was only asking him about a college open day then to have him on there as a best friend shows they have sent a LOT of snpachats about it
Look, I feel that you should go with your gut on this. It's normally correct.
Maybe it is innocent but it wouldn't sit right with me.

pookie82 · 21-04-2015 1:06pm

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

It was the text side of snapchat. As far as I'm aware you can send messages without pictures on it. I will admit that on thst occasion it definitely wasn't pictures bit the story still seems like a bluff looking back on it. I can't imagine she'd want to get back with someone like that after what he did so I'm very puzzled as to what's actually going on there without shooting myself in the foot

Ah ok. This occurred to me after my last post - that perhaps they were using the text function on it. You can keep in touch over snapchat without sending photos. Again, not a very practical medium though - the text disappears forever soon after you've viewed it/sent it and there's no record of it unless you take screenshots on the spot. If she was looking for open day info you'd imagine she'd do it over text to have it to look back on.

It's hard to see why she'd ever want to go back there, but I would suspect that as badly as he treated her, she may have residual feelings somewhere. How did she react when you brought it up with her? Did she get defensive and uptight, or did she immediately and casually explain why? I think body language tells more than words in cases like this.

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 1:06pm

magicmushroom wrote:

I wouldn't think that she wants to get back with him but if there are lingering feelings there, just getting a bit of attention from him might be what she's after. That's why I suggested maybe just waiting a while as she'll probably get bored and over it, especially if things with you are good.

magicmushroom wrote:

I still think Snapchat is an odd way to keep in touch with someone - if she was only asking him about a college open day then to have him on there as a best friend shows they have sent a LOT of snpachats about it Look, I feel that you should go with your gut on this. It's normally correct. Maybe it is innocent but it wouldn't sit right with me.

I'd agree that it's probably the case that she's not quite fully over him yet, and nothing more to it than that. Hopefully it will pass. I still would like some clarity for my own sanity on this. Would it be fair to ask to go back through any messages sent between them? ?

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 1:10pm

pookie82 wrote:

It's hard to see why she'd ever want to go back there, but I would suspect that as badly as he treated her, she may have residual feelings somewhere. How did she react when you brought it up with her? Did she get defensive and uptight, or did she immediately and casually explain why? I think body language tells more than words in cases like this.

No she was quite calm about it when I brought it up. She has told me in the past that she was comparing me to him for a while which she was quite apologetic for.

pookie82 · 21-04-2015 1:15pm

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

I'd agree that it's probably the case that she's not quite fully over him yet, and nothing more to it than that. Hopefully it will pass. I still would like some clarity for my own sanity on this. Would it be fair to ask to go back through any messages sent between them? ?

If they're messaging over snapchat, the text will have disappeared unless she took screenshots. That's another potentially "dodgy" aspect of snapchat texting. The app wipes the info after you've viewed it.

In any case, I don't know if you have a case to ask to SEE her phone, per se. That's pretty intrusive and even with suspicion it's a route I wouldn't necessarily go down. It's like being asked to hand over a diary. Unless you suspected she was sleeping with him and taking you for a complete mug, which isn't the case.

It was kind of silly of her to tell you she compared you to him for the first while, but it's probably quite common, though not everyone would talk about it! In a sense I do it still (in my own head) with my bf compared to my ex. But I would never tell him that, and he always comes out favourably in the comparisons, if you get me.

I think what I'd do is if you see snapchat activity again or he remains a best friend of hers for much longer, is just say it niggles at you, you're not quite sure why, and ask straight out if she thinks herself she may still have some feelings there for him. Remember, snapchat "updates" your friends list weekly, or used to. So if he's there for 3 weeks running, that's not because they had one day of snapping a month ago... they're snapping constantly, and I would definitely question the need for that with an ex.

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 1:25pm

pookie82 wrote:

In any case, I don't know if you have a case to ask to SEE her phone, per se. That's pretty intrusive and even with suspicion it's a route I wouldn't necessarily go down. It's like being asked to hand over a diary. Unless you suspected she was sleeping with him and taking you for a complete mug, which isn't the case.

pookie82 wrote:

I think what I'd do is if you see snapchat activity again or he remains a best friend of hers for much longer, is just say it niggles at you, you're not quite sure why, and ask straight out if she thinks herself she may still have some feelings there for him. Remember, snapchat "updates" your friends list weekly, or used to. So if he's there for 3 weeks running, that's not because they had one day of snapping a month ago... they're snapping constantly, and I would definitely question the need for that with an ex.

pookie82 wrote:

In any case, I don't know if you have a case to ask to SEE her phone, per se. That's pretty intrusive and even with suspicion it's a route I wouldn't necessarily go down. It's like being asked to hand over a diary. Unless you suspected she was sleeping with him and taking you for a complete mug, which isn't the case.

pookie82 wrote:

I think what I'd do is if you see snapchat activity again or he remains a best friend of hers for much longer, is just say it niggles at you, you're not quite sure why, and ask straight out if she thinks herself she may still have some feelings there for him. Remember, snapchat "updates" your friends list weekly, or used to. So if he's there for 3 weeks running, that's not because they had one day of snapping a month ago... they're snapping constantly, and I would definitely question the need for that with an ex.

She's very open about what on her phone, she seems like she's got nothing to hide except the stuff snapchat hides for her..
This is the second time I've noticed he's been in her top friends and I don't look at her snapchat very often. Is it too soon to tell her it bothers me that she's still in touch with him??

pookie82 · 21-04-2015 1:29pm

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

She's very open about what on her phone, she seems like she's got nothing to hide except the stuff snapchat hides for her..

This is a really good sign in itself. If they were engaging in risque exchanges it's unlikely she would leave her phone lying around for you to see.

Give it a week or two, and then ask casually if they're "still in touch". If she says yes, then maybe broach the subject of it making you wary, and take it from there.

Unless she's deaf, dumb and blind, she'll understand why you might feel this way, and will be eager to put your mind at ease.

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 1:37pm

pookie82 wrote:

Give it a week or two, and then ask casually if they're "still in touch". If she says yes, then maybe broach the subject of it making you wary, and take it from there.

You're right. I do tend to antagonise too much over silly things. This probably will still be playing on my mind for a while regardless until I get some clarity on it. I just want to be certain that I don't open up old wounds or come across as being over protective

strobe · 21-04-2015 1:51pm

There's nothing wrong with bringing it up with her. As long as you don't go making accusations, or doing anything silly like asking to see her messages or look through her phone.

But just mention it to her "Mary, can I ask you something? I'm just wondering why you tend to snap chat with Bob so often? I mean it sounds like he was a bit of a prick to you when you were together, cheating on you and all. It's just a bit unusual that people remain friends with an ex that treated them like that. I don't have anything to worry about here or anything, right? You're not still a bit hung up on him or anything?"

It's perfectly natural to be a bit curious in a situation like this. And a partner really shouldn't have an issue with someone seeking a bit of clarification if it's done right and they've nothing to hide.

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 2:10pm

strobe wrote:

It's perfectly natural to be a bit curious in a situation like this. And a partner really shouldn't have an issue with someone seeking a bit of clarification.

Okay let's say I do bring it up. Worst case scenario she gives a vague response, what to I say back? There's no record of what they said so she can pretty much tell me anything. I do trust her and this is as I said a very unlikely worst case scenario, I just want to be able to respond in a way that'll put this niggling issue to bed once and for all.

21-04-2015 2:21pm

There's a few issues here:

Depending on their age, then Snapchat has become a popular way to message with the younger generation. I absolutely despise it in general, but just because they use it doesn't necessarily mean they're doing anything dodgy.

I have been in numerous situations where someone I had been seeing but this turned out that we made much better friends. This could easily be the case here - the OP needs to work on their own insecurities and it wouldn't bother them as much. You can't hide the fact that they were with other people before you and *shock horror* some can still be friends.

As sam34 stated, I would be most certainly worried if someone I had only started to see had started to develop controlling tendencies regarding that I keep in contact with, which is essentially what is happening here. Some people are very close to members of the other gender - some of my best friends are female and I would get very annoyed if a new partner had issues with this.

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 2:27pm

Deleted User wrote:

As sam34 stated, I would be most certainly worried if someone I had only started to see had started to develop controlling tendencies regarding that I keep in contact with, which is essentially what is happening here. Some people are very close to members of the other gender - some of my best friends are female and I would get very annoyed if a new partner had issues with this.

I have no issue with there being someone there before me or her having male friends as many of my friends are close friends with her too and she is still good friends with another ex (who she left on much better terms with). This doesn't bother me in the slightest and I'd feel the same if she questioned me on any of my female friends. it's the fact that she still keeps contact with this particular guy after him being such a dick to her that gets me.

21-04-2015 2:29pm

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

I have no issue with there being someone there before me or her having male friends as many of my friends are close friends with her too and she is still good friends with another ex (who she left on much better terms with). This doesn't bother me in the slightest and I'd feel the same if she questioned me on any of my female friends. it's the fact that she still keeps contact with this particular guy after him being such a dick to her that gets me.

I don't really think it's your place to try and understand it. There obviously must have been something good about this guy that kept her wanting to be his friend. As long as it isn't causing any sort of emotional harm, then does it matter?

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 2:35pm

Deleted User wrote:

I don't really think it's your place to try and understand it. There obviously must have been something good about this guy that kept her wanting to be his friend. As long as it isn't causing any sort of emotional harm, then does it matter?

There must have been but whenever she has brought him up before she hasn't painted him in the best light. I do realise much of this anxiety is probably down to some degree of personal insecurity that I need to resolve. But is it completely non of my business to want to know what's going on there??

21-04-2015 2:38pm

Just be careful - there's a thin line between being justified and paranoid.

pookie82 · 21-04-2015 2:44pm

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

Okay let's say I do bring it up. Worst case scenario she gives a vague response, what to I say back? There's no record of what they said so she can pretty much tell me anything. I do trust her and this is as I said a very unlikely worst case scenario, I just want to be able to respond in a way that'll put this niggling issue to bed once and for all.

Those statements conflict a bit...

In one breath you (rightly) say there's no record, so she can say what she likes, in the next, that you trust her.

These have to go hand in hand. Ask her once more (Strobe's suggestion of phrasing above is bang on the money) and if she says "it's just conversation, I have no feelings whatsoever and you have nothing to worry about", then you'll have to leave it, and as you say, trust her judgment.

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 2:48pm

pookie82 wrote:

These have to go hand in hand. Ask her once more (Strobe's suggestion of phrasing above is bang on the money) and if she says "it's just conversation, I have no feelings whatsoever and you have nothing to worry about", then you'll have to leave it, and as you say, trust her judgment.

Maybe I am reading far too much into this. It's probably a thing of nothing. I'll bring it up with her and see what she says and sure we can only hope for the best

21-04-2015 2:52pm

Hiroshima twinky wrote: »

Maybe I am reading far too much into this. It's probably a thing of nothing. I'll bring it up with her and see what she says and sure we can only hope for the best

What exactly are you going to say? Be very careful here. You're still in a position where you're both trying to figure each other out. You don't want to come across as paranoid, as controlling, or anything like that.

Hiroshima twinky · 21-04-2015 2:59pm

Deleted User wrote:

What exactly are you going to say? Be very careful here. You're still in a position where you're both trying to figure each other out. You don't want to come across as paranoid, as controlling, or anything like that.

I suppose something along the lines of strobes phrasing seems appropriate. As long as I make it clear that I'm not suggesting that there's anything sinister going on I should be safe shouldn't I?

girlfriend keeps contact with ex

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