Bridesmaid snub?

Shelly Cooper · 16-09-2014 9:27pm #1

Hi there,
Just wanted to see if I am being unreasonable about this as can't chat to my friends as I don't want to cause any ill feeling/sniping. A good friend of mine ( I consider them a good genuine friend) was bridesmaid for me along with others.
She was delighted etc and is now getting married herself next summer. I am not a bridesmaid which though I was a bit hurt about (as I would love to be part of it) i can understand as its a low key wedding. The thing I am more hurt about is that she never said "look I am having a low key do, hope you understand" but she never actually addressed it at all and I feel a bit of a fool. Now I know it's no big deal not being a b.m. but I am genuinely hurt and just expected more decency from her especially as we'''ve known each other a very long time. Everyone I know assumes I am one of the bridesmaids and it's slightly embarrassing when I have to say no I'm actually not.

fits · 16-09-2014 9:28pm

You are being a drama queen.

spurious · 16-09-2014 9:31pm

Not being big time into wedding things - are bridesmaids usually unmarried? I know it doesn't matter, but is that the tradition?

JustAddWater · 16-09-2014 9:31pm

Awkward, yes a little
Over dramatic, yes, a LOT!

You said it yourself the wedding is low key. It's not personal but if you make it so ....

Addle · 16-09-2014 9:32pm

You had an unrealistic expectantion.
You've no one to blame for your disappointment but yourself.

Redser87 · 16-09-2014 9:46pm

Think about how awkward that conversation could have been though. I actually had the 'this is why I'm only having 2 bridesmaids' chat with a really good friend, and because she is a good friend, she was very understanding and positive about it - but it did leave a slightly awkward feeling hanging in the air for a brief moment. We have always been very direct with each other so this suited our way of doing things, but I could well imagine that your friend assumed that you wouldn't take it personally and that you would understand, so bringing it up could just be uncomfortable and unnecessary for both of you.

Shelly Cooper · 16-09-2014 9:58pm

Redser87 wrote: »

Think about how awkward that conversation could have been though. I actually had the 'this is why I'm only having 2 bridesmaids' chat with a really good friend, and because she is a good friend, she was very understanding and positive about it - but it did leave a slightly awkward feeling hanging in the air for a brief moment. We have always been very direct with each other so this suited our way of doing things, but I could well imagine that your friend assumed that you wouldn't take it personally and that you would understand, so bringing it up could just be uncomfortable and unnecessary for both of you.

Thanks Redser. I am a laidback sort so maybe she didn't see the need to say anything like you say. Being a pretty relaxed person I was even surprised myself at feeling left out and upset about it. I wouldn't want to create any uncomfortable feeling between us so I would never say anything and am looking forward to sharing her big day.
Thanks for reply

Shelly Cooper · 16-09-2014 9:59pm

Redser87 wrote: »

Think about how awkward that conversation could have been though. I actually had the 'this is why I'm only having 2 bridesmaids' chat with a really good friend, and because she is a good friend, she was very understanding and positive about it - but it did leave a slightly awkward feeling hanging in the air for a brief moment. We have always been very direct with each other so this suited our way of doing things, but I could well imagine that your friend assumed that you wouldn't take it personally and that you would understand, so bringing it up could just be uncomfortable and unnecessary for both of you.

Thanks Redser. I am a laidback sort so maybe she didn't see the need to say anything like you say. Being a pretty relaxed person I was even surprised myself at feeling left out and upset about it. I wouldn't want to create any uncomfortable feeling between us so I would never say anything and am looking forward to sharing her big day.
Thanks for reply

my teapot is orange · 16-09-2014 10:20pm

To be fair, if everyone you know assumes you're a bridesmaid, it's clearly not just an assumption on your part that you would have been asked and in that situation I think you could have expected the issue to be addressed and be given an explanation.

Of course she's entitled to have whoever she wants, but she should handle her friendships properly too.

AoifeCork · 16-09-2014 11:18pm

my teapot is orange wrote: »

To be fair, if everyone you know assumes you're a bridesmaid, it's clearly not just an assumption on your part that you would have been asked and in that situation I think you could have expected the issue to be addressed and be given an explanation.

Of course she's entitled to have whoever she wants, but she should handle her friendships properly too.

^^^THIS!
Very well put!

lubie76 · 16-09-2014 11:47pm

I think if you are feeling hurt, you should bring it up with your friend, obviously in a non confrontational manner. She probably has no idea how you feel and thought because you are married yourself, you have no interest in being part of another ceremony.

eviltwin · 16-09-2014 11:48pm

I wouldn't take it personally, there is no guarantee that just because someone was bridesmaid for you that you will be asked to return the favour. If you still feel upset I would tell her though, clear the air and get it out there.

Tarzana · 17-09-2014 1:25am

spurious wrote: »

Not being big time into wedding things - are bridesmaids usually unmarried? I know it doesn't matter, but is that the tradition?

Traditionally, yes, but lots of BMs are married these days, at least at weddings I've attended or know of.

Peregrinus · 17-09-2014 2:40am

spurious wrote: »

Not being big time into wedding things - are bridesmaids usually unmarried? I know it doesn't matter, but is that the tradition?

Traditionally, bridesmaids are indeed unmarried, but marriagable - i.e. not too young to marry . A married woman filling the same role was a "matron of honour", not a bridesmaid, and it was customary only to have one.

But of course you can do it how you like.

December2012 · 17-09-2014 8:08am

Why would she discuss it with you though?

Arbiter of Good Taste · 17-09-2014 8:35am

Sorry, but you are being a drama queen. It's one thing to be hurt, but to refer "decency" is a bit much.

You've been married yourself, so you should know the stresses and strains that go along with organising a wedding.

She possibly should have handled it differently - I don't know, we are only hearing one side - but apart from that I don't see what she has done wrong.

Peregrinus · 17-09-2014 8:47am

I don't see the problem. She's having a low-key wedding - you said it yourself. Therefore, there's a limited number of bridesmaid places to be filled. She doesn't need you. She's your friend, and if she needed you you'd be there for her and you would support her however she needed but, as things have panned out, she doesn't need you.

I don't see that she needs to apologise or explain for not needing you to be a bridesmaid; you have no right to be needed, and there is nothing here that requires explanation. Without any explanation at all you have grasped that this is a low-key wedding, what more is there to explain?

No doubt you regret that you won't have the opportunity to show your support for your friend by acting as her bridesmaid. But the purpose of the wedding was never to allow you to demonstrate your friendship in this particular way. What you can do in the current circumstance is demonstrate your friendship by by being completely happy for her that she is having the wedding that she wants, unconstrained by the expectations of others; by attending the wedding as a completely happy guest; by having a great time; and by not finding some imagined disregard of yourself in her wedding plans.

BabysCoffee · 17-09-2014 8:57am

Look the bride has enough on her plate with choosing two bridesmaids and asking them without having to go around to all the people she could have had as bridesmaid and explained why she didn't choose them.

Just because she was your bridesmaid does not obligate her to return the favour. My friend has been bridesmaid to 5 brides. Is she going to have to have the 5 of them as bridesmaid for her??? Obviously not. And she doesn't have to explain to anyone on them why they weren't picked.

Just get over it OP, it's not your right to be bridesmaid. You have no reason to be slighted (no matter if others thought you would be BM) - it is up to the bride and only the bride and no one else, not even YOU!

December2012 · 17-09-2014 8:58am

Also I would imagine that people are asking because she was one of your bridesmaids. The same way they might ask a sister of the bride or groom.

Typer Monkey · 17-09-2014 9:04am

Who are these people who are asking you if you're a bridesmaid? Are they just making polite conversation when the subject if the wedding comes up? Just say 'no she's having X and Y'. I don't see the big deal here.

I have three close female friends. When I had my daughter I picked one to be her godmother. One of the three was annoyed that I didn't pick her and hadn't told her why I picked the other. She brought it up and we had an incredibly awkward conversation about why I thought my other friend would make a better godmother. Not fun!

Don't make this an issue with your friend. Your friendship doesn't need it and certainly won't benefit from it. Just go to her wedding as a guest and enjoy yourself. Being a bridesmaid isn't all that much craic tbh!

nearzero · 17-09-2014 9:30am

From the brides point of view - I was chief BM for my friend last summer, it was amazing but hard work at the same time, she wasnt bridezilla or anything but went all out & it was a very big traditional wedding.

I'm getting married this year & I decided I'm not actually having BMs at all! We are having a humanist service & only having witnesses. I sat my friend down & explained to her that I wasnt having BMs & I had asked another friend of ours to be my witness but I wanted everyone involved in the wedding etc. She seemed fine about it at the time but actually turns out she was really pissed off me with & turned it into a big deal.

It was really upsetting for me that she was upset about it - it was my choice, my wedding & it was an awful horrible feeling having to deal with that. If I was you, I wouldnt bring it up with her at ALL - it makes brides feel like sh1te, weddings are hard enough organising them & keeping everyone - family/friends - happy! While everyone says its 'YOUR' day, all you hear about is what everyone else wants, it can be very frustrating. If I was you - I would be supportive and helpful, like a true friend, instead lumping more moans onto her. Genuinely I would say it didnt even cross her mind to tell you because she would assume as a friend, you would understand.

Turn up with a bottle of wine & offer to help - be involved, she will appreciate that more than hearing that your feelings are hurt, even a little bit - its really horrible hearing that when you feel you are splitting yourself apart as it is to keep everyone happy.

Alf Veedersane · 17-09-2014 9:40am

If you're friends a very good time, she probably thought she didn't need to address it on account of you knowing it was low key. She probably doesn't realise she made the wrong choice.

I wouldn't take it personally as she has never proven herself to be anything but a good, genuine friend, as far as I can make out. She just didn't realise the effect of not addressing it personally.

I don't think you're making a big deal of it. You just thought you should have been told explicitly why you weren't going to be a bridesmaid. By the same token, your friend didn't think she had to.

But even if she had taken you aside and said she was doing it low-key etc etc, you'd still have to explain that to people who assumed you were bridesmaid.

Long story short, if she's a genuinely good friend and has always proven herself as such, then that's what she is and don't take it personally.

groovyg · 17-09-2014 9:59am

Op I think you should be delighted more than annoyed. Being a bridesmaid is hard work, at least now (if you are invited) you can go to the wedding and enjoy yourself!

wuffly · 17-09-2014 9:59am

Well you can't help how you feel but I do think you are over reacting. It's pity she didn't say it to you but perhaps she thought you would just understand. Who is she actually having? it is family or other friends? I was asked to be a BM once then unasked... I just smiled but its was pretty sh*te. Her family got offended as she hadn't asked them so her friends got dropped and replaced, I was still involved and randomly got thanked as the best woman?! I know I did a lot more than her BM's to help her and I'm glad I did. The time I actually was a BM would make me never want to do it again and be grateful not to be asked!! I just had one my best friend who was amazing! but i know I won't be her's as she has a sister wouldn't dream of being offended.

Milly33 · 17-09-2014 10:57am

Yep me thinks you are thinking about it way too much and being over sensitive.. I would think aswell for your own sake you should clear the air with her on your side. She hasn't done anything wrong but maybe get it off your chest so you don't hold it against her...

Victor · 17-09-2014 10:58am

Why not ask her if there is something you can do at the wedding?

DulchieLaois · 17-09-2014 11:01am

I guess its a bit too late to bring it up now.
If you did, she's then feels then that she will have to include her on BM list and then that will cause a discomfortable situtation.

pooch90 · 17-09-2014 12:31pm

.....

An Bhanríon · 17-09-2014 12:45pm

It is not unreasonable to be a bit upset over something like this. We are all human after all.

I do think it would be unreasonable, though, to mention this to your friend. If you are genuinely friends the only thing you should be doing now is celebrating her engagement with her and asking her if there is anything you can do to help her prepare for the wedding.

In my humble opinion, you have nothing to achieve by telling your friend that you are upset.

And for those who are asking you are you not being one of the bridesmaids, there is no explanation needed. You are not being her bridesmaid, end of. She is still one of your best friends.

amdublin · 17-09-2014 1:11pm

I understand you were a little upset - as the poster above said, we are all human.

But we are also adult humans, time to pull on those big girl panties and get over it.

It does not mean anything less of your friendship that you are not a bm.

amdublin · 17-09-2014 1:15pm

pooch90 wrote: »

I'm upset that I have been cast to the side when she has no sisters and we had always said we would stand for each other.

Things change. One should not be held to promises you make when you are young etc. Particularly when there has been a falling out along the way.

You seem very bitter about this/it seems to have hurt you bad? Frankly it does not change your friendship.... unless you let it. And you seem so bitter about it that I think you need to make a decision - let it go and get over it. Or if simply can't let it go (!!!) Is it time to let your friend go?

Sherlof3 · 17-09-2014 3:15pm

Shelly Cooper wrote: »

Hi there,
Just wanted to see if I am being unreasonable about this as can't chat to my friends as I don't want to cause any ill feeling/sniping. A good friend of mine ( I consider them a good genuine friend) was bridesmaid for me along with others.
She was delighted etc and is now getting married herself next summer. I am not a bridesmaid which though I was a bit hurt about (as I would love to be part of it) i can understand as its a low key wedding. The thing I am more hurt about is that she never said "look I am having a low key do, hope you understand" but she never actually addressed it at all and I feel a bit of a fool. Now I know it's no big deal not being a b.m. but I am genuinely hurt and just expected more decency from her especially as we'''ve known each other a very long time. Everyone I know assumes I am one of the bridesmaids and it's slightly embarrassing when I have to say no I'm actually not.

Hi, really glad I saw this. I recently got engaged and there was one friend who I haven't been getting on with lately was really put out that I didn't ask her to be a BM.

But like you mentioned, I didn't actually address it with her, I asked her to do a reading. I knew I needed to address it because we were due to go to Brussells that weekend and I didn't want it simmering.

At which point she flipped out at me and told me I could shove my reading that she wasn't religious, and that I was a coward for asking her to do a reading, and sent back to back texts of abuse. Felt like I was in school again!

Although she's prone to dramatics I understand she was hurt that I didn't address it with her - but her reaction made me realise I had made the right decision! She had a snog with my fiance's brother (the best man) in my garden at a dinner party last year (she has a boyfriend) and since then has refused to be in his company, which I find irrational. Anyway I had drunkenly said to her last year if I was getting married I would ask her, but that was pre-garden snog drama.

Anyway - end result I didn't go to Brussels in the end, I do want to stay friends with her but I feel she was out of line. Shelly your reaction is mild in comparison.

bur · 17-09-2014 3:31pm

Bring it up in a light-hearted way, 'everyone keeps assuming i'm the a bridesmaid, haha'.

Arbiter of Good Taste · 17-09-2014 3:51pm

bur wrote: »

Bring it up in a light-hearted way, 'everyone keeps assuming i'm the a bridesmaid, haha'.

But why?

Tarzana · 17-09-2014 3:52pm

Alf Veedersane wrote: »

If you're friends a very good time, she probably thought she didn't need to address it on account of you knowing it was low key. She probably doesn't realise she made the wrong choice.

But she didn't make the wrong choice, she just had limited spots available.

Tarzana · 17-09-2014 3:53pm

groovyg wrote: »

Op I think you should be delighted more than annoyed. Being a bridesmaid is hard work, at least now (if you are invited) you can go to the wedding and enjoy yourself!

Yes, I'm going through final stage hen party organisation hell. The 'Not Attending's are rolling in.

Nightmare.

cookiecakes · 17-09-2014 3:55pm

I understand that you're disappointed but it drives me bonkers that there's a tit for tat element to bridesmaids. You've mentioned that your friend wants a low-key wedding but not that she's having any other women as bridesmaids so is she having any at all?

Yer Aul One · 17-09-2014 3:58pm

Tarzana wrote: »

But she didn't make the wrong choice, she just had limited spots available.

Think he meant the choice of not telling her. Not the choice of not picking her

Tarzana · 17-09-2014 4:03pm

Yer Aul One wrote: »

Think he meant the choice of not telling her. Not the choice of not picking her

Oh, OK. Well, I still don't think that was a wrong choice. It should be been inferred by the bride telling the OP that it's to be a low key affair. That might have been the bride's subtle way of letting the OP know she wouldn't be a BM.

pooch90 · 17-09-2014 4:11pm

amdublin wrote: »

Things change. One should not be held to promises you make when you are young etc. Particularly when there has been a falling out along the way.

You seem very bitter about this/it seems to have hurt you bad? Frankly it does not change your friendship.... unless you let it. And you seem so bitter about it that I think you need to make a decision - let it go and get over it. Or if simply can't let it go (!!!) Is it time to let your friend go?

What exactly are you basing this bitter assessment on??
I'm hurt that I have been made feel very insignificant by someone who is meant to be one of my closest friends. Not just by not being a BM but numerous other things in the past few months.
The thing that really hurts is that she has discussed this with my friends and not with me.

It's not like we said it once when we were 12 that we would be each others' BMs, it was a constant agreement/promise. The falling out happened but we got back to how we were. Friends fall out, does that mean we discard any friendship that existed before?

One of my other BMs got engaged in the run up to our wedding, I'm not one of her BMs. She asked would I mind and I said "No, not in a million years but if you need anything just give a shout"
It's the whispering behind closed doors mentality that is hurtful.

Sala · 17-09-2014 4:32pm

I'm bridesmaid for a very close friend and not long afterwards I am getting married and she is not my bridesmaid. I'd love her to be, but with another BF and sisters it just couldn't happen unless I wanted an entourage! I had the conversation with her and she was like I knew you'd feel bad, don't you dare, I completely get it etc etc. and I know she is totally honest and she will be there on the morning anyway and will read a poem for us. She is my coolest friend

OP I don't think it is a snub at all, sometimes people don't want bridesmaids at all (they are expensive remember), sometimes they ask people for the sake of family relations and leave out others. It does not mean you are less important to her at all or that you are not as close as you thought

Yer Aul One · 17-09-2014 5:33pm

pooch90 wrote: »

What exactly are you basing this bitter assessment on??

I reckon it was partly to do with this line:

pooch90 wrote: »

I'm in a similar position.
She then got engaged and announced it the week of our wedding, with me being one of the last she told (having kept it quiet for 2 weeks).

That reads to me that you think she intentionally kept it quiet but then announced it vindictively the week of your wedding and then had the gall to let other people know before you!

pooch90 · 17-09-2014 5:48pm

I didn't say she did it vindictively nor did I say she had 'the gall' about anything.
It would have been nice to have been told as though I mattered in her life though not as an aside in reply to another text "Oh, BTW we got engaged"

Being hurt doesn't always equate to being bitter.
I've already said that it was the talking about it to my friends and not me that was most upsetting.

fits · 17-09-2014 5:52pm

pooch90 wrote: »

I didn't say she did it vindictively nor did I say she had 'the gall' about anything.
It would have been nice to have been told as though I mattered in her life though not as an aside in reply to another text "Oh, BTW we got engaged"

Being hurt doesn't always equate to being bitter.
I've already said that it was the talking about it to my friends and not me that was most upsetting.

Crikey... maybe she thought you were busy with your own stuff! I never put any thought into who we told when... just told people as we saw them.

Yer Aul One · 17-09-2014 5:55pm

pooch90 wrote: »

I didn't say she did it vindictively nor did I say she had 'the gall' about anything.
It would have been nice to have been told as though I mattered in her life though not as an aside in reply to another text "Oh, BTW we got engaged"

Being hurt doesn't always equate to being bitter.
I've already said that it was the talking about it to my friends and not me that was most upsetting.

Maybe she just doesn't value you as a friend as much as you thought.

That's a misunderstanding on your part, not really her beef tbh

pooch90 · 17-09-2014 6:05pm

Yer Aul One wrote: »

Maybe she just doesn't value you as a friend as much as you thought.

You're probably right tbh.
She shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid in the first place if that was the case.

Yer Aul One · 17-09-2014 6:13pm

pooch90 wrote: »

You're probably right tbh.
She shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid in the first place if that was the case.

Sometimes friends are on different levels of friendship than each other.
You might see her once a week as your best mate.

She might see you once a week but see 3 other girls more often.

She is your best friend but you only come 4th on her list. She also has sisters were you have none.

Just using the above as an example that just because she doesn't value you as her bestie, she was prob yours. On that basis, why would she refuse your invitation to be bridesmaid??

Tarzana · 17-09-2014 6:36pm

pooch90 wrote: »

You're probably right tbh.
She shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid in the first place if that was the case.

Hard to say no to something like that!

Sala · 17-09-2014 7:30pm

pooch90 wrote: »

You're probably right tbh.
She shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid in the first place if that was the case.

Not at all! You are obviously hurt, but that doesn't mean she meant to hurt you. There could be a whole load of reasons she didn't ask you and I certainly dont believe friends are ranked by who is or who is not a bridesmaid.

I know a girl who felt pressurized into asking two friends by them when all she really wanted was her sister. For all you know it could have been that situation. It could be that someone was having a hard time and helping them out she grew close to them. Sometimes one friend is so excited and would love to do it the bride asks her. There are family reasons.

I certainly don't rank my friends and one of my best friends is not my BM because that's the way things go, and I can't afford to (nor want to!) have 10 bridesmaids walkjng up the aisle ahead of me!! Doesn't mean all my close friends are not just as important to me.

Malari · 17-09-2014 7:37pm

Wow, this is insane! The one time I was a bridesmaid, the bride told me (on her wedding day!) that if I ever married I was not to feel under any obligation to ask her to be bridesmaid for me as a "return of favour". Which is just as well, because I wouldn't have thought about it! It's kinda juvenile, this tit for tat stuff, isn't it?

pooch90 · 17-09-2014 8:10pm

I've been thinking on it, and I shouldn't have said that she shouldn't have agreed to be my bridesmaid.
I'm delighted I asked and delighted she accepted. We had a great time during all the planning and the wedding itself. I think I was just enjoying the closeness that we used to have returning. Any way, I'm not the OP so I'm bowing out.

Bridesmaid snub?

Comments