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Abusive relationships
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Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,088 Mod ✭✭✭✭Join Date:Posts: 59017
Sorry -but I dont intend to oversimplify it.This is what I am saying -its very simple the abuser whether they are male or female is in the wrong.There are laws to protect the victim, man or woman or sexual orientation is irrelevant.By tackling the issue you take your power back. You may need outside help but if you are ill you get outside help from a doctor. If my back is sore I go to a chiropractor. If I am abused I go to a self-help group and the courts.I am not saying its easy -but tolerance isnot an option here. Apply for your court order and let the authorities deal with them.Thats their job. Your job is to recover from the abuse and live a happy life.As a stigma -this one is very idiotic, mad, nuts and a whole lot of other words. So ignore the stigma and get on with it. The person with the real problem is the abuser.But that doesnt mean the stigma is valid or right.So even if there is a stigma there are places you can go for help. We all should help those we know who are victims of Domestic Abuse.Personnally, if anyone told me they were in an abusive relationship I would not think less of them and would help them anyway I could.
I've seen this up close with two women and one man in my life. The things all three had in common was that they had been primed for abuse by childhood to some degree or other. They felt in a crazy (to me) way deserving of this and their abuser had plugged right into it.
Now this may raise hackles in many quarters but I would also say the "blame" was not always all one way either. Again nothing is absolute when it comes to people.
In one case, I knew both of them quite well. She had been in a stream of abusive relationships. All but one of her any way long termers had hit her. the one that didnt left her because of her behaviour. He had been in relationships, but with no history of being abusive. His exes agreed, even one who couldnt stand him(she was shocked as one reason she left him was that she thought him too passive). In this case the abused was constantly pushing the buttons of the abuser. They ramped each other up. She expected abuse in a way. It's what she was used to. She actively sought out the type that would abuse her and left many men who didnt. We as her mates saw this time and time again. Yes he responded beyond badly and thumped her. He took that step too far. He was entirely responsible for his actions in that case. No excuse. But in this case she has built up a framework in her head that enabled the abuse.
The guy I knew who was being emotionally and sometimes phsyically abused by his partner also wound her up. Yes again, she was in the wrong for responding how she did, but this stuff has more complexity than is often admitted. So even something as simple and obvious as "the abuser is always 100% in the wrong and the abused takes 0% responsibility" has grey areas.
This stuff is far more complex than "if you're abused, walk, seek help and recourse through the proper authorities". Far more and until people on all sides examine this and are more open then it will continue.Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.
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Though this is precisely what you're doing.
Of course, but also somewhat of a simplification if you want to look at this completely objectively.
This stuff is far more complex than "if you're abused, walk, seek help and recourse through the proper authorities". Far more and until people on all sides examine this and are more open then it will continue.
Of course,Wibbs I am simplifying it.
It has to be simplifyed because the victim is not in the wrong.
I have been in a wacko relationships and you never see it clearly because you are too close to the detail. You might like the sex or there are a loads of different reasons why your lives are tangled up.
An abuser will get away with it precisely because the victim is afraid of what people might say or the other consequences.Now thats a great excuse to do nothing and it is precisely what an abuser wants their victim to believe that they can do nothing.
Now - thats not a healthy outlook to have and its not a valid reason to do nothing.
You can do something about it and you start by changing your belief that the behavior is not acceptable.
There is a very good book called Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward that is recommended reading for psycholigically abused people and her method is to get people looking thru the FOG (fear obligation and guilt) and a review on it is here http://www.wayneandtamara.com/emotionalblackmail.htm . http://narcissisticpersonalitydisorder.aimoo.com/What-the-Authors-who-write-about-NPD-say/Emotional
Google the term and the techniques aare on line.
Mary Cleary of Amen colloborated on a book That Bitch thats more focused on identifying abusive relationships.http://www.thatbitchbook.com/
There is a relationship audit on Cearys site and loads of freebie downloads.
Either book can be read by either gender and both are written by feisty women.0 -
Self help books and websites are all fine, but if you're not ready to read them or take on board the message in them, it might as well be in Russian (no offence to Russians ). Personally, when I was younger I used to read self help books, and I remember thinking 'That doesn't apply to me', or 'That 's not going to work for me'. Not one of these self help books helped me change, because I wasn't ready to take on board what was being said. I had to change the way I think before change happened.
Realising you have to change the way you think/view the world doesn't happen overnight. It could take months, years.....all depends on the person. Once you realise you have to change your view, it could take months, years for the change to take place. It's not as easy as saying 'Right I'm not putting up with this', there's a huge amount of fear to overcome first.0 -
'Right I'm not putting up with this',
At some stage a person needs to acknowledge that accepting such behavior is bizarre. You can get analysis pararlysis and list loads of reasons to do nothing.
Im not saying its easy -what I am saying is go to a support group and see how others cope and what they do to get out of the situation.
So its up to the person themselves to acknowledge that they want to do something about the abuse.0 -
I feel for the person the OP has mentioned, you can feel inexplicably "trapped" and useless. The abuser wants you this way. Add another few years and s/he'll be on the floor shaking, it's not good.
The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to leave and take the kids with you. Abuser will always come up with some drama/whatever as to why you should stay together, but it's a smokescreen. Resist Emotional blackmail.
1. Explain the situation,
2. outline your needs,
3. tell her/him (don't ask) what your going to do about it.
4. Do it.
If you think leaving is the right thing, then Make your decision, Make a plan and Stick to it. At all costs. Be strong and believe in yourself. If getting away is the reward, then you can do anything to make it happen.
There is family he can go to until he gets sorted with a new flat. Don't answer her calls, don't tell "mutual" friends (mostly her friends) the new address, and don't be fooled by crocodile tears.
It may take a few years before you start to feel like a human being again, talk to people, but live normally again (go out, be social, live).0 -
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