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Told me he has feelings for his ex, dont know where it leaves us. Please help

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  • 01-11-2014 12:31pm
    #1
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭


    I was seeing a guy for the past two months, everything was going good until this week where he only text me once to day his head was all over the place and was sorry for not being in touch. I got no reply so tried phoning yesterday and he text saying he was really sorry that if things were different who knows, bye for now. I asked him what was going on and he said I was a lovely girl but he wasn't over his ex and was in a bad place at the min. I said does this mean he is cutting me loose and he said has been down since it happened and thought by meeting other girls it would help but this week he wasnt able to go anything (go to college etc) and said he wanted to meet me but his mate advised him not to by the way he was feeling? I tried to reach out and give him advice and told him I was here as a friend if he needed me. Bad idea I know. Truth is I am gutted I really like him and dont want to lose him. I dont know whether I should text him and tell him how much I liked him and how much he has hurt me by treating me so badly or just leave him. I feel like he's sending me mixed signals in a way with bye for now and saying hes in a bad place and not answering me when I asked about cutting me loose. Should I text him or leave him?

    Also I have a key to his apartment which I was going to leave in his post box next week so we wouldnt have to meet and text to let him know it was there. Is this a good idea?
    Would really appreciate any advice at the minute because Im all over the place and dont really know what it means for us. Thanks


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    #2
    R.D. aka MR.D
    Registered Users Posts: 2,643 ✭✭✭R.D. aka MR.D


    Think yourself lucky that he was mature enough to let you know that he isn't interested.


    Did he ask for the key? If not, just leave it to one side and forget about it and him. Move on.

    It's annoying but would you want to be with someone who wants to be with someone else?

    You're worth more than that.


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    #3
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭BMBM123


    He could have treated me a bit better though than sending me cryptic text messages. At the end of the day I done nothing wrong and if he had any decency he wouldnt treat me like this.


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    #4
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    Unfortunately for you, the guy isn't emotionally available to have a relationship with anybody right now, and although I imagine that you are hurting over this right now, be thankful that he was honest enough to admit to that in the end. It is unfortunate, but sometimes people only realise that they aren't able to enter into a new relationship just yet, after they've actually tried and realise that it's not working, and I think that's the case here. The best advice I can give you is probably the advice you don't want to hear - cut loose of this guy, and find somebody that can actually be in a relationship with you.


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    #5
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭BMBM123


    He could have treated me a bit better though than sending me cryptic text messages. At the end of the day I done nothing wrong and if he had any decency he wouldnt treat me like this.
    No he didnt ask for it but I dont want it either.
    No but he did want me up until last week. He sounds very confused and stressed so I suppose I am hoping against hope if I give him space we can talk about it.


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    #6
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭BMBM123


    mike_ie wrote: »
    Unfortunately for you, the guy isn't emotionally available to have a relationship with anybody right now, and although I imagine that you are hurting over this right now, be thankful that he was honest enough to admit to that in the end. The best advice I can give you is probably the advice you don't want to hear - cut loose of this guy, and find somebody that can actually be in a relationship with you.

    I know your right but its just the way he said "if things were different who knows" and bye "for now" it gave me hope we could at least be friends in the future because hes not a bad guy. I hate just cutting off all communication with a person I felt something for ya know


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    #7
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    So you are waiting around for a guy, who you consider has no decency and ego has treated you badly, to pick you again?


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    #8
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭BMBM123


    CaraMay wrote: »
    So you are waiting around for a guy, who you consider has no decency and ego has treated you badly, to pick you again?

    Im all over the place caramay. Im angry but yet dont want to cut all ties with him either, I do understand how he feels but would still like a friendship at the end of it all. Deep down I know he is a good guy and people like him dont walk by every day. Im just hurt


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    #9
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I can't see how meeting him will do anything other than fry his brain some more and hurt you. Let's be honest here - you don't want to be this guy's friend. You're hoping that if you hang around long enough he'll come to his senses and come back to you. I'm not sure what exactly there is to talk about either. By telling him that you really like him, you're just going to pile on the guilt. Are you hoping to guilt him into getting back with you. He has told you everything you need to know but you just don't want to hear it .

    As for the apartment key, I'd just quietly pop it back in his postbox some day soon and say nothing.


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    #10
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭BMBM123


    So I just have to accept I wont hear or see this guy again just like that?


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    #11
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Look, hard and all as it is to hear this, you are better off cutting contact with him. All that talk of being his friend has an agenda. You're mad about him and want to be his girlfriend. Not a platonic friend who's left sitting on the sidelines if he meets another woman or gets back with his ex. He didn't handle this break-up very well but that is what it is. He realised that despite his best efforts, he still has feelings for his ex. Not for you.

    It is possible for exes to be friends but that's usually when time has passed and both people are singing off the same hymnsheet. You're not.


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    #12
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    But he is not a good guy, by my standards anyway... Ye had an intense and intimate relationship for two months and then he blanks you for a week and dumps you by text. That's not a good guy


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    #13
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭BMBM123


    Thanks for your comments and opinions guys. Regardless the key, Im sure he will need it when moving out as he doesnt have a spare (its a back door key linked to his room). Will I leave it in the post box and tell him/dont tell him, text him in a week or two and ask him does he want it back or will I dump it or say nothing and throw it away?


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    #14
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I don't think dumping it would be a nice thing to do, regardless of how he ended things with you. If he checks for post regularly he'll get the key. If he doesn't get much post, there is a risk he'll not know it's in there. Is there a concierge in his building?
    You could send him a text to say the key's in his postbox but be careful about this. If he doesn't reply or simply texts back "thanks" that may hurt you. If it leads to more texts it'll give you false hope.


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    #15
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Put it in an envelope in the post box and delete his number


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    #16
    mapaca
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭mapaca


    CaraMay wrote: »
    Put it in an envelope in the post box and delete his number

    I agree. Texting him about it will only leave you open to being hurt again when he doesn't respond or just says"thanks". I know it's hard but the best thing to do is to cut all contact. You're not going to be able to be friends while you still have feelings for him.

    You've been hurt and let down. Take some time to spoil yourself, spend time with friends, try to keep busy. It will get easier.


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    #17
    Matteroffact
    Registered Users Posts: 457 ✭✭Matteroffact


    I don't believe the guy did anything wrong. He told you he didn't want a relationship with you and how he said it or did it is of no consequence as his message is loud and clear and that is the only thing you need to concentrate on. It is hard to face rejection but we have all gone through it and it is part and parcel of life. Do not try and pursue this guy, he is not for you.


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    #18
    Oink
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 2,151 Mod ✭✭✭✭Oink


    BMBM123 wrote: »
    So I just have to accept I wont hear or see this guy again just like that?


    "Sometimes you just have to
    walk away,
    walk away..."

    It's a crap situation OP, but a clean break is generally best. Give yourself time to grieve. Then maybe...

    Edit: then MAYBE you might become friends. It's never worked for me.


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    #19
    Tilikum
    Closed Accounts Posts: 994 ✭✭✭Tilikum


    Matteroffact wrote: »
    I don't believe the guy did anything wrong. He told you he didn't want a relationship with you and how he said it or did it is of no consequence as his message is loud and clear and that is the only thing you need to concentrate on. It is hard to face rejection but we have all gone through it and it is part and parcel of life. Do not try and pursue this guy, he is not for you.

    'I don't believe the guy did anything wrong'? He dumped the girl by text ffs!! Then says his 'friend' sent the text. What age is he 12?

    I'm sorry but this whole thing of not getting over the ex, sounds like a crock of you know what to me. Sounds like this lad wanted one thing.

    Forgot about him. Find someone that will treat you like a princess.


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    #20
    shalalala
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,710 ✭✭✭shalalala


    Better to know now then in three years! (personal experience).

    Just put the key in the post box and leave it at that. It is hard but there will be someone better for you!


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    #21
    pc7
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 14,004 Mod ✭✭✭✭pc7


    Maybe his head is all over the place, it can be hard getting over an ex. OP see how you are reacting after only a few weeks of dating (if he was with his ex longer then maybe you can understand why he's not ready). Better you know now than a year down the line. As another poster said delete his number/Facebook and any of that stuff, post the key back and wish him well. Try not be so angry and look forward and move on.


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    #22
    Flutterby80
    Registered Users Posts: 220 ✭✭Flutterby80


    Tilikum wrote: »
    'I don't believe the guy did anything wrong'? He dumped the girl by text ffs!! Then says his 'friend' sent the text. What age is he 12?

    I'm sorry but this whole thing of not getting over the ex, sounds like a crock of you know what to me. Sounds like this lad wanted one thing.


    Forgot about him. Find someone that will treat you like a princess.

    He didn't say that his friend sent the text he said that his friend advised him not to meet with the Op as his head was all over the place.
    Op I know it hurts but at least he was honest enough to tell you now rather than drag it out another couple of months. It sounds to me like you were his "rebound" he was probably really hoping that he was over his ex but now he's had to admit to himself that he isn't. I'm sorry I know it's really hard but at least he had the decency to be upfront even if it was only by text.
    You say your hoping to be friends but really your not, your hoping that he will change his mind when he won't. You need to have some self respect and walk away now, at least it's only 2 months of your life so chalk it down to experience and move on. I'm sorry your feeling so hurt.


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    #23
    Guffy
    Registered Users Posts: 8,038 ✭✭✭Guffy


    Did you ever consider that he hooked up with his ex


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    #24
    Typer Monkey
    Registered Users Posts: 941 ✭✭✭Typer Monkey


    Or he's just not feeling it and is using the line 'my head's messed up over my ex' as a handy line. People don't always tell the truth when ending a relationship for a variety of reasons, mostly selfish. They don't want to hurt you further, they want it over quickly without emotionally wrought discussions, they don't want to feel worse about themselves etc. Or he could be telling the truth. Either way he's entitled to not see you anymore if he doesn't want to. You can't help how you feel but being angry towards him doesn't help anyone.

    You had a short relationship so the only message you need to be hearing is that he doesn't want to continue seeing you (for whatever reason). Chalk it down to experience and don't chase him. You should aspire to be with someone who can't stop thinking about you and is dying to see you. Don't take crumbs from a half hearted person.


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    #25
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,143 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    I actually feel completely irritated reading this thread.

    You were with him for two months, he ended it, you wanted to stay with him. Ok the text message wasn't the best medium but even so, the message is the same - he is not prepared to be with you. Why can't you just accept his decision? You did nothing wrong? So what? He didn't enter into a permanent contract with you, he is entitled to finish things.

    What's with all the messign with the key? Throw it away / post it back / do whatever. Initiating some further communication isn't going to change his mind.

    Really & truly, the best thing you can do is develop some coping mechanisms for handling disappointment. Yes, its rubbish to be on the receiving end of rejection but we can't all get what we want all the time. Nobody does, nobody. Even Kelly Brook, Jennifer Aniston & the rest of the alleged most beautiful women in the world get red-carded.

    Concentrated on moving on instead of resenting him for not feeling the same or trying to engineer an reunion.


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    #26
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    Good advice above. A relationship takes 2 people to make it work. If one isn't interested, there is no relationship and no amount of persuasion/pleading/begging will change that. You say you 'dont' want to lose him' - unfortunately that is not your decision in this scenario.

    People who suffer problems and mistakes in relationships can resolve them if they're still BOTH intent on making it work. But when someone doesn't actually want to be in a relationship, it won't work. It sucks I know, but you just have to accept these things and move on. Better that he's done it now than 2 or 3 yrs down the line.


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    #27
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭BMBM123


    Hi all. I need some advice once again. Since I last posted he text me to apologise for the way he handled things, he told me he would be lucky to have me but was just in a bad place at the minute and asked me to forgive him. I didn't contact him for two weeks but text him last weekend to ask how he was and he said he was feeling better and told me I had some of my stuff at his place and said I could call round at any time to collect it. With that I said could I call this weekend and waited all week and got no reply. Why would he say I can collect my stuff then not text me back? I am so confused with this guy, I gave him time like he asked now I am just getting to the point where I feel I need to talk to him and clear this up. What should I do?


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    #28
    Tokyo
    Politics Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 22,655 Mod ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    You're getting the run around. Don't ask next time - text to say that you will be calling round on XXXX night to pick up your stuff, and you'd appreciate if he or someone else would have it ready for you. Call around on the evening arranged and collect your stuff from whoever happens to be there. Then walk away and don't look back.


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    #29
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    You need to do what you were told in earlier posts - walk away totally. He really is a head melt but you are letting him treat you like this. I'm sure you can do without the stuff at his place so text him once to say he can dump it and then block him.


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    #30
    BMBM123
    Registered Users Posts: 29 ✭BMBM123


    I don't understand why he would tell me to call and collect it and when I try arrange a time he completely bails?


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    #31
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Possibly because he can't stomach the thoughts of coming face to face with you? He seems to like going to ground and hiding rather than dealing with problems head on.


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