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Too fat for a relationship

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    #32
    daisybelle2008
    Registered Users Posts: 2,403 ✭✭✭daisybelle2008


    letgonow wrote: »
    @ Stavro Mueller - yes, I've definitely turned a corner and want out of this arrangement.

    Thanks so much to each and every poster who's taking the time to answer.

    I went for a full check up late last year at my GP's and then at the hospital. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown at the time. The Doctor suggested they prescribe a mild anxiety medication. The results of tests at the hospital confirmed I had a hormone imbalance. This seems to be rectified now. It was through this period that I began to see my surroundings for what they really were.

    I don't cook, clean or do anything for him. I asked him to leave on numerous occasions over the years but he refused to go. He'd worm his way around me, promise the sun , moon and stars, I'd relent and the cycle would continue. Ten years sounds like a long time but when your going through it, its like the blink of an eye.

    I would never tell my family about what's been going on but outsiders have made one or two comments which leads me to believe they know something is going on. He has a friend from years ago that he occasionally keeps in contact with; when I was alone with the friend he told me that he had an indication of what was going on and told the "house mate" for want of a better word to leave me alone.

    He is going away with his partner over the next few days. I have arranged a locksmith to change the lock when he is gone and will have his bags packed and ready to go.

    Of course I have said nothing to him as its best to have done all this when he isn't there.

    You are changing the locks and throwing him out of his home without any discussion with him, what gives you the right to do that? You've had ten years to deal with the situation and yourself and haven't, why the big dramatic gesture now . Resorting to this kind of dramatics is hardly reasonable and not effectively dealing with it. Deal with him with courage, conviction of your decision and fairness. For whatever reasons he has stood by you, you told him to have an affair after all. If you want to change the goalposts now that's fine, but tell him in person not this cowardly way.


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    #33
    rcarroll
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    I think it's great that you're finally leaving him, well done!

    However I think daisybelle is right. Changing the locks and kicking him out of what has been his home for ten years is not fair...who actually owns he house and does he contribute? It might not be that easy to walk away from the relationship...after ten years I imagine he has rights and honestly I'd be trying to work this out amicabally first..it might come back to bite you if you make such a dramatic attack


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    #34
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I have to to agree with others, while it's great your taking positive steps you don't make it clear if you own the house and legally if you do own it he may have a claim to part of it as you have been living as partners for the past 10 years (fake relationship or not, you've been living as a couple to the outside world). From your posts it's really unclear what exactly the situation between the two of you is. You've maintained the illusion of relationship for family and the majority of people it seems but you don't give any reason why you would both chose to do this. While it's not on that he refused to leave when asked (assuming the house is in your name) your both as bad as the other for keeping the status que for as long as you have. The title of this threat implies the whole situation is all down to your weight gain but that doesn't add up or explain why you've kept the fake relationship up. You say he refused to leave and maybe your own issues stopped you from walking away but why did you pretend to still be in relationship to family?


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    #35
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    I take the point of the people who say it's wrong to just throw him out and I don't think they're wrong. On the other hand, the OP's "housemate" has been asked to leave repeatedly but he won't go. Trying to get him out of there won't be easy once he gets in through that front door. Can he not go spend the night with his other woman when he's kicked out?


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    #36
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    I take the point of the people who say it's wrong to just throw him out and I don't think they're wrong. On the other hand, the OP's "housemate" has been asked to leave repeatedly but he won't go. Trying to get him out of there won't be easy once he gets in through that front door. Can he not go spend the night with his other woman when he's kicked out?

    We don't know what their set up is so while the OP may have asked him to leave we don't know what the legal standing is regarding were they are living and the OP needs to be careful of the legal side of things. If the OP owns the house and he has been living there with her, in the OP's own words, as a couple except for sex then he may be able to claim for part ownership of the house so the OP changing the locks may land them in trouble. If the property is rented then legally the OP can't change the locks without the landlords permission and if both their names are on the lease she can't kick him out like that.

    I don't want to put the OP down as it's good they have started to take positive steps but we're not taking about a typical break-up. How I read the OP's last post her family still thinks they are a couple and so do many other people so the OP's first step is to tell other people they are not a couple. Kicking him out like this implies to other people that it's something recent and he has done something wrong. Now he is wrong but so is the OP, they both kept up this fake relationship. Now the OP is dealing with their issues with their own self esteem but they are her issues, she says so herself she wasn't cooking and cleaning for his guy, they are, as she says, flatmates. They both appear to have some weird issues about letting go that needs to be addressed and should stop living together but just packing his stuff and changing the locks isn't right.


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    #37
    Betty Bloggs
    Registered Users Posts: 274 ✭✭Betty Bloggs


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    I take the point of the people who say it's wrong to just throw him out and I don't think they're wrong. On the other hand, the OP's "housemate" has been asked to leave repeatedly but he won't go. Trying to get him out of there won't be easy once he gets in through that front door. Can he not go spend the night with his other woman when he's kicked out?

    I agree. It makes things much more complicated if he has some say on the house but I was getting the impression that he didn't? Being asked to leave repeatedly and refusing. One of his own friends even telling him to "leave her alone" (the op), makes it sound like he's bad news and not remaining there for the good of the op, but almost as though she has felt a bit stuck or trapped in a bad situation. Could be wrong, but that's the impression I was getting.


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    #38
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi guys,

    It might seem I am being harsh on him by changing the locks and not informing him but it's the only thing I can think of.

    I purchased my home before I met him so its registered solely in my name.

    The only reason I believe he is not living with his partner is because he doesn't have anytime for her adult son. His friend told me that he hates the area she lives in and the mindset of the people who live there. This is the type of obnoxious twat he has turned out to be.

    His partner is divorced and from what I've heard is a very meek mannered woman. So as you can gather he has a soft touch on both this side and her side.

    I did love him and out of embarrassment told him to see other women because I knew he was repulsed by my weight gain. When he did meet another woman I thought over time he would have moved in with her but this never happened. He became quite happy with the arrangement. She wanted him to move in with her but he wouldn't.

    Throughout the years I pleaded with him to move in with her but he always refused. Physically he is not attracted to me but emotionally he will not let go.

    By know means am I placing all the blame on him as I was the one who told him to meet other people because it was an easier way out than me dealing with my own insecurities.


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    #39
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Now that you've clarified that you own the house, you definitely need legal advice. Especially if he can claim he contributed towards the mortgage and is entitled to a share of the house. I thought you were renting for some reason. Don't be surprised if he gets himself to a solicitor if you change the locks. Be prepared for the gloves to come off.


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    #40
    JillyQ
    Registered Users Posts: 2,382 ✭✭✭JillyQ


    Op you need to get legal advise he may have some claim on the house depending on how long he has lived there.


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    #41
    Emme
    Registered Users Posts: 4,055 ✭✭✭Emme


    JillyQ wrote: »
    Op you need to get legal advise he may have some claim on the house depending on how long he has lived there.

    OP, DO NOT CHANGE THE LOCKS ON YOUR HOUSE UNTIL YOU HAVE GOT LEGAL ADVICE.

    You need legal advice on your position as it relates to the Civil Partnership Act.

    See Part 14 (sections 172 and 173) of the Civil Partnership Act of 2010 (link and extracts below):

    http://www.irishstatutebook.ie/2010/en/act/pub/0024/

    172.— (1) For the purposes of this Part, a cohabitant is one of 2 adults (whether of the same or the opposite sex) who live together as a couple in an intimate and committed relationship and who are not related to each other within the prohibited degrees of relationship or married to each other or civil partners of each other.

    (2) In determining whether or not 2 adults are cohabitants, the court shall take into account all the circumstances of the relationship and in particular shall have regard to the following:
    (a) the duration of the relationship;
    (b) the basis on which the couple live together;
    (c) the degree of financial dependence of either adult on the other and any agreements in respect of their finances;
    (d) the degree and nature of any financial arrangements between the adults including any joint purchase of an estate or interest in land or joint acquisition of personal property;
    (e) whether there are one or more dependent children
    (f) whether one of the adults cares for and supports the children of the other; and
    (g) the degree to which the adults present themselves to others as a couple.

    (3) For the avoidance of doubt a relationship does not cease to be an intimate relationship for the purpose of this section merely because it is no longer sexual in nature
    (a) they would be prohibited from marrying each other in the State, or
    (b) they are in a relationship referred to in the Third Schedule to the Civil Registration Act 2004 inserted by section 26 of this Act.
    (4) For the purposes of this section, 2 adults are within a prohibited degree of relationship if—

    (5) For the purposes of this Part, a qualified cohabitant means an adult who was in a relationship of cohabitation with another adult and who, immediately before the time that that relationship ended, whether through death or otherwise, was living with the other adult as a couple for a period—
    (a) of 2 years or more, in the case where they are the parents of one or more dependent children, and
    (b) of 5 years or more, in any other case.
    173.— (1) A qualified cohabitant may, subject to any agreement under section 202 , apply to the court, on notice to the other cohabitant, for an order under sections 174 , 175 and 187 or any of them.

    (2) If the qualified cohabitant satisfies the court that he or she is financially dependent on the other cohabitant and that the financial dependence arises from the relationship or the ending of the relationship, the court may, if satisfied that it is just and equitable to do so in all the circumstances, make the order concerned.

    This man may be aware of all the above. Legally you and he could well be the same as a married couple who live together and do everything together but do not have sex. I do not know this for definite as I am not a solicitor. You will have to show your solicitor the following:
    letgonow wrote: »
    I see myself as a single female, with no dependents, which lives with her house mate. To the outside world I am a female in a relationship, with no dependents, living in a decent suburban estate with my long term partner. Neither could be further from the truth.

    He still insists on taking me on holidays twice a year and does everything couples do apart from the obvious. I have become tired of our arrangement but he is refusing to let go . . .
    I wonder if he is refusing to let go because he knows he may have a claim to your house.

    Seek good legal advice and I hope it goes well for you.


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    #42
    CaliforniaDream
    Registered Users Posts: 813 ✭✭✭CaliforniaDream


    Obviously legal advice is the way to go but would the fact that he's been in another relationship for so long mean he loses any rights to the house?

    Good luck OP, hopefully you both come out better for it.


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    #43
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    CaliforniaDream wrote: »
    Obviously legal advice is the way to go but would the fact that he's been in another relationship for so long mean he loses any rights to the house?

    Good luck OP, hopefully you both come out better for it.

    Good point, if his girlfriend is willing to state on the record that she's his girlfriend then that may demote him to Housemate in the eyes of the law.


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    #44
    m'lady
    Registered Users Posts: 1,859 ✭✭✭m'lady


    He sounds quite manipulative, and the OP has described the girlfriend as being quite meek mannered, so I highly doubt she will go against him and say she's been in a relationship with him. OP you need legal advice before you do anything, and that includes changing locks etc


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    #45
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Wow, I am truly floored by the legalities. I don't believe his other half will say she is in a relationship with him. She seems to hang on every word he says and will do as he says. They are going away for a week soon and I had hoped to have his belongings packed and new locks on the door.

    Last night I brought up the subject of him moving out, he dismissed it and said he was not going.

    I will contact a solicitor ASAP.

    Thanks so much for all the advise.


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    #46
    sunshine and showers
    Registered Users Posts: 2,027 ✭✭✭sunshine and showers


    For helping with the legalities, is there any proof of their relationship? Maybe pictures on Facebook or something like that? Do you have friends who would attest to their relationship being genuine?

    Start thinking of evidence you can gather up to bring to a solicitor. And I'd gather it now before he has a chance to do anything.


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    #47
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    sunshine and showers wrote: »
    For helping with the legalities, is there any proof of their relationship? Maybe pictures on Facebook or something like that? Do you have friends who would attest to their relationship being genuine?

    Start thinking of evidence you can gather up to bring to a solicitor. And I'd gather it now before he has a chance to do anything.

    It doesn't matter that he has a relationship with this woman, all he has to say is he and the op have an open relationship which the OP did technically agree to. As the op kept the end of their relationship a secret he can bring family and friends in to state they were a couple. The lack of sex in their relationship means nothing, they were living together as a couple.


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    #48
    sunshine and showers
    Registered Users Posts: 2,027 ✭✭✭sunshine and showers


    Can't log in wrote: »
    It doesn't matter that he has a relationship with this woman, all he has to say is he and the op have an open relationship which the OP did technically agree to. As the op kept the end of their relationship a secret he can bring family and friends in to state they were a couple. The lack of sex in their relationship means nothing, they were living together as a couple.

    I would argue that it does matter that he has another relationship. Technically agreeing to an open relationship is bs. They were "roommates", that's more than a lack of sex. Her ex partner will only have equitable and legal rights in the property under certain circumstances if the house is in the OP's name.

    Anyway, seek professional legal advice, OP. Do not fear that all is lost before then. But do tell at least one person what has been going on for the last decade!

    Edit: the OP has also asked this man to leave HER house on a number of occasions. Proof of this would be ideal. He sounds like a leech.

    Also, It has stuck with me for the past few days since I first read your OP: his reaction of "gagging" at your body after weight gain is despicable and unforgivable. That is not how one expresses oneself or deals with issues in a loving relationship. Get rid, pronto - I wish you all the luck in the world!


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    #49
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    OP, do ye sleep in separate rooms?


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    #50
    liz lemoncello
    Registered Users Posts: 247 ✭✭liz lemoncello


    letgonow wrote: »
    ....

    He is going away with his partner over the next few days.....

    letgonow wrote: »
    ... I don't believe his other half will say she is in a relationship with him. .....

    I think it is sad that you refer to this woman using these term, "partner", "other half".
    Please seek legal advice before you do anything.


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    #51
    hardCopy
    Registered Users Posts: 5,969 ✭✭✭hardCopy


    I can't add anything to the legal discussion but just want to tell the op that none of what has gone on means you're "too fat for a relationship".

    This relationship failed because your boyfriend is an ass, please don't take as an indicator of all future relationships.


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