My News

Ads by Google wrote: »

The Vietnamese police raided my house two days ago because the neighbours told the police my gf lives here. Tried to register yesterday, but the police declined so she has to move out today.

Since found out my landlady wants an extra $300 a month and I guess that would make the problem go away.

Whatever you say about Ireland, at least the police don't raid your house and your landlady doesn't offer to solve the problem through money. Last Christmas, I broke my collar bone and this Christmas,i get forced to move out of my house.

Still love Vietnam, this is just a stark reminder that I live in a corrupt communist country.

I wish I could say you'd be surprised, but really, would you?

My news today so far-

My Xbox just crapped out on me. I wouldn't mind but I don't even use it to play games. It's a common enough problem where the DVD drive develops a mind of it's own and closes and ejects at random intervals. I haven't time to open it up now to fix the problem. I'll get to it tonight.

I might look at putting together a proper dedicated HTPC after Christmas. Right now I'm still in two minds about whether to get rid of sky or not. Television viewing has become painful paying €50 per month for advertisements shoved in your face every 15 minutes.

My News:

I woke up early and was still tired. I had to go get my heart checked in the hostiple today, the letter said no smoking before test. I thought about cheating and smoking, but then I got chicken and didn't smoke. I was grumpy.

I put on my bestest tracksuit botoms, they are bestest cos I don't do any excercise so they are always bestest.

When I got to the hostiple ther was no parking, cos a lot of people must be sick or having babies today.

I parked where a big sign says NO HOSTIPLE PARKING, I'm not a hostiple! so I parked there, if any mean person gave out, I would cry, yeah that was my plan.

In the hostiple I had to take off everything cept my bestest tracksuit bottoms and my bra, my knickers were still on, and my socks and shoes.

I had all sticky things stuck to my chest, lots of wires. Then the nice nurse made me get on the dreadmill. It was easy peasy, nice and slow.

a man doctor, he was about 12yrs old, he listened to my heart.

The nurses made the dread mill go faster.. and faster..and faster..

My poor heart, legs and bum. I was ascared, I had a bit of a pain in my chest, it was not nice. I got a fright. I had to do the dreadmill for 15 mins, I thought it was about 40000000000 miles.

I did not die, I am tired. My heart is ok, the nurses think. But I have to do no more smoking. Smoking is bad it makes your blood veins all fat and you die cos your heart is all fat and fatter.

I hope I don't die tomorrow when the world ends cos my heart is a good kinda ok heart. That would be bad if I died. If there is still a world tomorrow I am not smoking ever ever ever again cos if i do i could be dead.

Don't smoke or you will be dead.

fox

Today’s news is brought to you by the letters M, and P.

M is for Malapropism, which is the act or habit of misusing words ridiculously, especially by the confusion of words that are similar in sound.

P is for Pleonasm, which is the use of more words than are necessary to express an idea.

Today it rained a lot and it was cold. I was cold. I did not have to go to work today.In the morning I worked from home. My Xbox broke this morning and I was annoyed. I use my Xbox to watch movies. In the afternoon I went out to my office where I do voluntary work. I get to meet interesting people who do not have much this Christmas.

I came home and had my dinner. I do not remember what I had for dinner. I did some more work at home and then took my Xbox apart. I could tell it was going to take more than a chewing gum wrapper and some duct tape to fix my Xbox. The magnet had come off the DVD drive. I glued it back on with some super glue. I was disappointed because I had no excuse to use my McGyver pen knife. It has saved me though on more than one occasion so I keep it handy. Teacher would confiscate it if he knew I had it so you have thirty seconds to memorise that last paragraph before it self-destructs.

Baywatch was not on tonight. It is on Friday nights at 7 oclock on movies4men, channel 325 on sky. Instead I watched soaps with my wife, until much to my relief there was a knock at the door. I opened the door and there was a man standing there looking important with his A4 clipboard. I thought he must be important. He told me he was from Airtricity and wanted to save me money on my bills. I asked him for his identification because my mam always told me to check for identification. He was indeed from Airtricity, so I let him continue.

He asked me did I have an electricity bill. I told him I do not, because I do paperless billing. Then he asked me how much electricity I use, and I told him my wife takes care of all that stuff so I have no idea. He asked me a few more questions and showed me some flashy brochures. He did not save me any money on my bills. He said good night and knocked on my neighbour’s door. I told him my neighbour was probably with Airtricity already. He inquired how I knew this. I told him my neighbour also works for Airtricity and often knocks on my door offering to save me money on my bills. He does not save me money on my bills either. Then I closed my door quickly as it looked like the man was readying himself to fling his important looking A4 clipboard at me the same way the teacher looks at me when he is about to let fly with the chalk duster when I am not paying attention.

I watched some more television and then I took a bath. I stayed in the bath and played with my rubber ducky until my skin turned wrinkly. My wife was not happy that I had splashed water all over the floor. I mopped it up and then shaved my face and my ears and my nose. I also clipped my nails and made a little pile on the floor. Again my wife asked who was going to clean that up. I figured since she didn’t clean the bathroom, that I was also supposed to clean up my nail pile. My wife was not amused when I tried to see could I suck the baubles off the Christmas tree with the vacuum cleaner. I couldn’t.

Then I put away the vacuum cleaner and brushed my teeth and put on my pyjamas and got ready for bed.


- THE END -

My news,

Today I woke up with a horrible cough. I knew I was going to because in my dreams last night I could hear myself wheezing. My Dad said he could hear me wheezing through the walls. I don't believe him. He can barely hear the telly on full blast. Old fool. Still smoking away even though I have this awful cough. My brain tells me it'll be ok but it never is.

I went shopping for sweets to eat over Christmas. I got something for santa to eat too. Santa doesn't visit me anymore but I leave stuff out for him anyway just in case. I also leave the fire door open for him too, not that the fat bastard could fit.

I made hot chocolate for my niece and nephew but they said it was the worst hot chocolate they ever tasted. Ungrateful children!
I also finished my assignment for college and submitted before I had time to over-think it. I don't think it's too shabby though! I like college and I'm bored of Christmas holidays already. Can't wait to go back. I told my Mother this today and she said I'm never happy which I thought was mean. I won't talk to her for the rest of the day now.

Right now I'm gonna feed my dog. She's the only one who understands!

The end.

Where To wrote: »

My News

Today I don't really care about the weather. I am too tired and grumpy. Everybody is out enjoying themelves and singing Christmas songs. Christmas songs don't sound as good when you are drunk as when you are sober. I also had to pretend I was angry at someone earlier when I wasn't really angry at them at all, but I had to get my point across. I'm not really an angry person.

That was My News

Where To

I've done this before, because it's not normally the expected reaction, and hope someone will go away and think about their actions. Behind it all is good intentions though.

Great thread btw, some usual AH responses and some honest accounts, great mix

My News - Weekend Edition.

I got very very drunk on Friday night, and shit got crazy. I died yesterday but I'm ok today.

I had the best night sleep I've had in weeks last night Would love to spend the day in bed... I actually might

I still have so much to do for Christmas... Someone come clean my apartment


That's my news.

Sar_Bear

I am now bored by the holidays. The only thing to do is drink and eat. Looking forward to after New Year when life can once again commence and I can find some stimulation.
I'm going to watch some films or something to amuse myself and see how long it takes before I have a drink.

My news,

There is no alcohol in my house. This scares and confuses me.

The end.

My News:

I was at work today, it was busy. I have only one more day to work then I am off for ages. I'm very tired.

I am watching TV and there is a show on about all the top bestest greatest toys ever, it is very good show. It is Jonathan Woss telling about the toys, it is on the Channel 4.

It makes me feel funny to remember the toys Santy brought me years ago, Rubik's Cube, Slinky, Atari, Play Doh, Spirograph and gazillions more.

Now I feel a bit old and hope Santy will remember me and be able to find me maybe, cos I don't live with my Mammy and Daddy anymore.

fox

My news,

Emerged from my wine coma at lunch time. Ate, watched movies, ate some more, watched some more movies. Nursed my hangover.

That's my news,

cazzzzz.