My News

Czarcasm wrote: »

Today’s news is brought to you by the letter “V”.

V is for voluptuous. Not many people know how to spell voluptuous. Apparently up to ten minutes ago, I didn’t know how to spell it either. I looked it up.

And so, on with today’s news. I have lots of news today. Iwill try not to repeat myself a lot as I have been told I repeat myself a lot.This morning I was up at stupid o’ clock again. I made breakfast this morning and cooked scrambled egg on toast. I was going to make boiled eggs and soldiers, but I dropped the eggs on the floor. Scrambled egg it was then.

I went to work. I met my wife at lunch time for coffee. We went to Gloria Jeans. Gloria Jean was not there. The girl that brought over my coffee told me there was free wifey in therestaurant. I told her I had one already thanks, directing her stare in the direction of my wife. I think she misunderstood.

I finished my lunch. I had a caramel flapjack with my coffee. I like caramel flapjacks but the oaty bottom sometimes gets stuck in my teeth. I missed my toothbrush. I had a meeting in the afternoon. Imagining people naked to calm one’s nerves does not work, especially when she is rather attractive.

After my meeting I met my wife again. She had some last last last minute Christmas shopping to do. I think she is a secret shopper for Santa. We went into Deals (Teacher will be impressed that I noticed the shop cannot spell. It is spelt “Deals”, not “Dealz”). Everything in the shop is €1.49. That makes a lot of cents, but not a lot of sense.

I think Adele works in Deals. She had her hair in a bun. She was voluptuous. I bought some Horrid Henry books. They were €1.49 for two. Horrid Henry books are €8 in Easons. I could see why they call it Deals because this was indeed a good deal. I also bought a book on W.B. Yeats and a book on James Joyce. They were €1.49 for two. The other books were Gay Byrne and Bono. I had no idea who these people were, so I read the back of the books. One is an antique who used to present an antiques show, the other is God.

After Deals, we went into a calendar shop. My wife asked me did I want a sexy secretary calendar, or a Mila Kunis calendar. I see girls with sexy bums every day, but I do not see girls with Mila Kunis’ eyes and smile every day. I do not see Adele every day. I will go into Deals more often. They do not have Adele calendars. Mila Kunis will have to do.

We went to Tesco to buy some food for dinner. The oaty flapjack I had earlier came back to haunt me as I unexpectedly broke wind in a crowded aisle. My wife told me to grow up. I am not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I could be a hipster, or I could be a brony. It would be ironic if I became a brony because I don’t like ponies. I got trampled by a pony when I was younger. That was also the day I discovered that everything you see on TV is not real. The horse stood still while Dusty took a running jump and vaulted upon the horse from behind. My horse did not stand still. My horse did Riverdance on my body before Riverdance was cool. My horse doing Riverdance on my head was not cool. When I grow up I think I might be a Hippy, which is a Hipster Brony. I can say I was a hippy before hippys were cool.

When I got home, I helped to make dinner. We had chicken and rice for dinner. I do not like brown rice. It gives me gas. The people in Tesco do not like gas, and contrary to popular opinion- one does NOT always like the smell of one’s own brand either.

After dinner I watched some TV. The laundry man called to drop off our laundry. I asked him did he want to come in for coffee but then I unexpectedly broke wind again and the laundry man said he had to be somewhere.

I watched some more TV and now I am going to brush my teeth,put on my pyjamas and get ready for bed.


- Huey Lewis


- THE END -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LB5YkmjalDg