22 year old behaving like a 2 year old

karen89 wrote: »

Hi, she lived at home when she was in college and it was never as bad as this! she has her degree but decided not to do the HDip, it is just getting worse and she is doing my head in, the polite approch to asking her to clean her room is not working, been asking nicely for 3 weeks! 3 weeks ago i went into the room and removed the dirty dishes and she went spare! now there are more dishes and much more rubbish!!!! we had a huge row a couple of weeks ago and still nothing!!!

Thats nearly identical to my mother and sisters situation. My sister was always difficult to handle and my mother and her didnt get on very well all their lifes. My mother just gave up trying and I think that was the best remedy. Dont bother any more. You just have to accept it and stop caring. Arguing isnt going to make thinks better.Really dont get involved with anything that will start a row. Just encouragement on what to do after the fas course. Leave her do her own thing. It worked for my mother anyways.

deadybai wrote: »

Thats nearly identical to my mother and sisters situation. My sister was always difficult to handle and my mother and her didnt get on very well all their lifes. My mother just gave up trying and I think that was the best remedy. Dont bother any more. You just have to accept it and stop caring. Arguing isnt going to make thinks better.Really dont get involved with anything that will start a row. Just encouragement on what to do after the fas course. Leave her do her own thing. It worked for my mother anyways.

That is terrible advice, this is the mothers house and she is entitled to have rules, by letting the daughter have her own way means she thinks she can do anything she wants which she can't as it isn't her house.

You say she had a stack of dinner plates in her room.Put an end to that.Tell he eat at the table or else get her own food.

I'm 23 and moved back home a few months ago. I was a bit like your daughter as a teenager, but I grew out of that crap a few years ago. I guess I'm in a similar situation as your daughter - have my degree, living at home, doing a jobbridge internship(150 a week from social welfare), but I do housework at home and give financial help(not a lot, but still). Your daughter is lucky to be able to live at home rent free and having her means cooked for her etc. The LEAST she can do is bring dishes down from her room(actually she should be eating dinner at the table with her family?) and bring her dirty clothes down. You need to be stricter and enforce rules if she wants to keep living at home.
She is 22 and an adult. Don't be treating her like a spoilt little baby. She knows she can walk all over you. You need to change that.

karen89 wrote: »

she keeps her door locked, but i have a second key

karen89 wrote: »

she was never into clothes or make-up ?? odd to me but thats always how she was even as a small kid, she would rather spend her money on a book than clothes!

I'm going to differ a little in my opinions from the others that are being offered here, because there are a few things about your posts which I feel haven't really been addressed, and they relate to what I feel you yourself could be doing better.

Your daughter's behaviour is objectionable and unacceptable in many ways. Keeping her room in a state out of character with the rest of the house is unfair to the other occupants, and refusing to contribute to the house (at least in terms of help and effort if not financially) is another. This is definitely bad behaviour on her part.

However, there is nothing wrong with her wanting to keep her room locked, and in my opinion, you having a key to this lock and using it is a violation of her private space. Also, I find the fact that you refer to her preferences (having more interest in books than clothes/make-up) as "odd" a bit unsettling, and I think might be illustrative of a greater problem which is contributing to your daughter's unacceptable behaviour.

Maybe she doesn't feel like understood, or a proper part of the family, which is why she eats alone and doesn't feel the need to contribute? This is not an excuse for her behaviour-- but it might explain it, which would lead to finding a way to correct and improve it.

Basically, it sounds like the two of you don't understand one another very well, and may have very poor communication as a result. To make matters worse, she is behaving in a childish manner, and so you are treating her like a child. Both the childish treatment and the poor communication don't seem to be helping the situation, so perhaps it's time to try something different.

My suggestion is this: spend some time alone with your daughter, and talk. Acknowledge that she is an adult now, and tell her that from here on you will respect her privacy. Ask her why she is bringing food to her room instead of eating with the family. Ask her if there are things that could be done to make her feel more comfortable living at home. (By which I mean in terms of atmosphere, not "do all my laundry on command at a time of my choosing".) Ask her if she is feeling comfortable with her life trajectory, and if not, if there's anything you can do to help her adjust it. As another poster has already suggested, if she says or implies she's very unhappy, discuss the possibility of depression, and the potential of assistance from a GP.

Then tell her that while you are happy to support her as much as possible, as an adult, her behaviour isn't acceptable. If she is to remain in the house, she can't be separate from it entirely, and needs to fall in line with the "house rules", such as no hoarding plates, no allowing rubbish build-up, no laundry-on-demand, etc. Explain that you feel it's fair that she muck in with washing-up or cooking or vacuuming or whatever tasks you feel would be helpful to you. Adults living together requires fairness, and give and take, and you expect this of her and believe she is more than equal to the task.

Back this up by saying that you would like to get to understand and know her as an adult, but that part of that requires her to display an understanding of adult responsibilities and duties in turn.

There is a middle ground between putting up with bad and inconsiderate behaviour and "You're out by Tuesday". Maybe this could be one way to getting there. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Karen89 & Jellybaby, my heart goes out to you both. I've was where you are now with my son during his late teens but thankfully all is resolved for many a year now and he is now an extremely pleasant, helpful adult.

Karen89, does your daughter have siblings? If so, how does she interact with them? Your daughter sounds like she has no self respect/esteem if she is prepared to live like this in her 20s. I think her apparent arrogant behaviour at home is covering other issues. You think there is no drink/drug problem, which is good, but there are definitely other problems bothering her. You MUST keep the line of communication open between you and your daughter. I know it's very, very difficult when you keep hitting that blank wall that ends in tears and arguments.

I feel you are passed the point where simply trying to reason with her is going to help and I urge you to speak to your GP, both for your own sake and your daughter's. There is a good possibility that there are some mental health issues at play here, given her current unwillingness to be part of the family, and the sooner these are addressed the better.

I wish you the very best of luck and sincerely hope you have a quick resolution.

Jellybaby1 wrote:

This has been suggested earlier. Can you suggest how she can pay rent while on a FAS course?

House shares. I shared a house with someone who was on social welfare for a few months. Think his room was in around 300 per month and he didn't get any rent allowance.

mrsgiller wrote: »

Take the lock off the door, it's your house, your rules. Also make her hand up something out of her welfare payment.

Better yet, take the door off the hinges. No rent, no privacy.

I'm going to be a terrible parent some day.

Why do people indulge their children so much????

My daughter threw a serious temper tantrum at aged 16 because I wouldn't let her go out on a school night (amongst other things).

When she slammed the door of her room in my face and barricaded it, I threw her out and told her if she wanted to so badly to be treated as an adult, she needed to start acting like one and that included living in her own accomodation.

6 hours walking around the town trying to persuade her friends parents to take her in wasn't long making her realise all that she got at home for very little effort on her part.

Never had a serious issue again, she's now 21 and has lived in her own flat (until she lost her job). She's living at home now, and she keeps her room (relatively) tidy, pays 60€ a week rent and helps with chores around the house. Never moans about the situation as she knows what my answer will be!

2 simple rules - No Rent, No Roof & If you don't like it feel free to leave!

And before someone says it, we have a great relationship. She just appreciates that I own the home and she welcome as a guest for as long as she respects my rules.

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

This makes me sodding mad! Indulge? Indulge? I have NEVER 'indulged' my children to the point that I should ever have to experience what I have experienced. I never had the money to indulge our children. I've had more nights of terror than you will ever have! Do you think I did not have house rules? Do you think I never told them what to do? Do you think I never told them of their responsibilities? Do you think that I LET them do whatever they wanted? Do you think I went out enjoying myself while the children were at home running wild? We have more than the one child, but only one behaves like this. Some children react against rules. Some children don't want to be told what to do. Some children think they are Superman or Superwoman. Some children become bullies. And some children are not like that. If I INDULGED my children why don't I have a house full of children behaving badly? If you actually read my previous posts you will see that I have done the 'throwing out' bit already. Oh what's the sodding point!

Way to hijack someone else's thread...

matrim wrote: »

Why is this in teens and pre-teens? Your daughter is 22 and an adult. Treat her liked one and tell her to cop on or move out.

karen89 wrote: »

Hi, matrim, I hope all stays well for you in your little bubble, but teens turn into 20's and I am going my best and finding it tough and need help - feel free not to follow

OP, THIS is your problem - right there, in black and white.

You posted this in Pre-Teens & Teenagers, somebody questioned why and you retorted that it was because Teens turn into 20s. Seriously - WTF? Sorry if this is blunt but you need a bit of a reality check here. This problem is happening because of you. You are treating your daughter like she is still a child. She is not. She has been an adult for the last 4 years. You saying "ah sure what can you do" is making the situation worse.

You are doing no favours to your daughter by treating her like a spoiled brat. Lay down the rules. If she doesn't like it, she can move out. But she is 22, an ADULT, and you need to start treating her like one. And that means - she contributes towards rent, bills, food, cooking, cleaning and shows some respect for other members of the household.

karen89 wrote: »

Hi, matrim, I hope all stays well for you in your little bubble, but teens turn into 20's and I am going my best and finding it tough and need help - feel free not to follow

If you're not interested in taking other people's opinions on board then I have to wonder what the point of starting this thread was in the first place?