22 year old behaving like a 2 year old

this is a concerning story alright and it looks like the op isnt alone. theres gonna be many disconnected young people at the end of this recession. this needs to be dealt with immediately. op i am concerned your daughter is suffering from depression. shes showing signs of it. i would advise discussing this with a gp as i and others have recommended. best of luck with it. tough one to deal with it

DivingDuck wrote: »

However, there is nothing wrong with her wanting to keep her room locked, and in my opinion, you having a key to this lock and using it is a violation of her private space.

I agree with a lot of what Diving Duck had to say with the exception of the latter half of the above. Privacy is not a right it is a privilege. I agree that there is nothing wrong with wanting to keep her room locked, in fact, in many ways that that is quite healthy. It is generally the first expression of wanting ones own physical personal space. But I don't believe in granting it.

There is no way that I would agree to a child of mine enforcing their desire for privacy with a lock and key in our home. If you need that level of privacy go rent or buy your own place! Now, don't get me wrong, I will afford and respect my child's desire for privacy no problem so long as there is a healthy, respectful, mature, and adult relationship in play. If not, all bets are off! In my book you earn your privileges (the price isn't that high).

Karen, sometimes you have to be tough to be kind (I don't agree with cruel to be kind). As others have said, watch out for her mental health and make sure she knows you are acting out of love but by god, get tough. I would make a plan to go away with her for a night or two. Get away from the poisonous environment that your home has become. Then choosing your moment carefully (after you have done something fun and not long before it is time to return home) you lay down the law in a calm, loving but tough and unyielding way.

Make it clear what is acceptable and what is not. Make it clear that her privacy will be respected when it is earned! Don't go for a long list of things. I would focus on 3 to 5 key thing that will have a big impact.

eg
That she will be respectful of you and your home.
That she will make a positive contribution to the happiness of the home on a daily basis.
That she is expected to clean up after herself (immediately), keep her room tidy and do her own laundry in a timely and efficient manner.
That eating is a communal activity.
That she is expected to make and implement a plan for her future.

To show her you are serious I would remove the lock from the door of her room. Her desire for privacy is your best weapon. If she conforms her privacy is respected but the lock is not put back. (IMO, in a mature respectful household there should be no need for locking doors.) If she doesn't conform then I would have an escalating set of measures. Next of my list, based on using her privacy desire as my weapon, would be to remove the door! Simple and highly effective. She now has a simple choice. Conform to the reasonable requests or make a plan to move out.

I am having a similar problem and it has me at the end of my nerves I just don't have the energy to deal with it any more. I have a family member 19 years old living with me and my partner for 2 years. She won't clean her room, or her mess outside of it. Won't do a thing u ask her. Speaks to me in awful ways. Mood swings all the time since she won't take her medicine. Now I can't put up with it much longer. I have health problems and the constant stress doesn't help. But she has nowhere else to go and refuses to change

irishgirl19 wrote: »

House shares. I shared a house with someone who was on social welfare for a few months. Think his room was in around 300 per month and he didn't get any rent allowance.

okay but at under 25 you get 400 per month from social welfare. that leaves only 100 for bills, food, clothes, and like everything other than rent.

Under 25s can still get rent allowance after 6 months

I always find the locking the door thing interesting.

Growing up I never yearned to be able to lock my door. From the age of 14/15, if my door was closed, someone would knock before coming in. I knew my mother and father would go into the room to collect up any plates/glasses or dirty clothes, but I never felt like there was any snooping being done or that my privacy was in any way violated.

But I know people who did lock (or attempt) to lock their doors, and the thing they had in common was an overbearing parent. Someone who would confront them on a monthly basis about something they found or saw in their room - clearly having been in the room snooping and digging around.

I'm not saying the OP is necessarily overbearing, but at 22 something is amiss. She is locking her door because she doesn't feel boundaries are being respected unless through physical means. And the fact that the OP has used a second key to unlock the door somewhat proves that her daughter is justified in locking the door.

I have to step in here in support of Jellybaby as I also thought that suggesting someone is 'indulged' when they are going through a difficult time is way out of line. Nobody can understand the strain, stress, anxiety and despair of living with a troubled/troublesome teen or young adult unless they live with it on a daily basis.
I think Karen89 will find some support and consolation in knowing she is not the only one struggling with a very difficult situation by hearing of other people's experience.

Deagol wrote: »

Why do people indulge their children so much????

My daughter threw a serious temper tantrum at aged 16 because I wouldn't let her go out on a school night (amongst other things).

When she slammed the door of her room in my face and barricaded it, I threw her out and told her if she wanted to so badly to be treated as an adult, she needed to start acting like one and that included living in her own accomodation.

6 hours walking around the town trying to persuade her friends parents to take her in wasn't long making her realise all that she got at home for very little effort on her part.

Never had a serious issue again, she's now 21 and has lived in her own flat (until she lost her job). She's living at home now, and she keeps her room (relatively) tidy, pays 60€ a week rent and helps with chores around the house. Never moans about the situation as she knows what my answer will be!

2 simple rules - No Rent, No Roof & If you don't like it feel free to leave!

And before someone says it, we have a great relationship. She just appreciates that I own the home and she welcome as a guest for as long as she respects my rules.

Just incase any sensible parent gets an idea from the bolded text above,
Don't do this, my friend when we were both 15 years old got the same treatment, he was kicked out at 15 (obviously his parents thinking he'd be back home later on)
no body could find him for 2 weeks until his remains were found in the river liffey.

Who in their right mind would throw out their young teenager? telling them to find somewere else
you're a disgusting person to be honest

ya great relationship... maybe shes frieghtened of getting kicked out again.
Theirs teaching a kid manners and respect and lets face it teenagers are kids, they don't know what its like in the real world.

You treat her at the moment like a tenant , shes you're daughter, stop
giving "advice" , you're like a bloody landlord whos only itching for more money

shocksy wrote: »

As the poster OU812 has stated, you need to get tough, it's your house, so your rules, she either abides by them or she finds somewhere else to live.

You have every right to go in and get dishes etc, if she doesn't like it TOUGH, let her do it herself daily.

I would do exactly as the poster OU812 said, start by telling her that she has to contribute weekly to the household, if she doesn't don't do anything for her, she will soon cop on and if not tell her to go. She won't find it so easy away from home. I'd go as far as taking the bedroom key away from her until things improve.

Be tough and in control.

Completely. Treat adults as adults. Flatmates would not accommodate a stinky flatmate for long. Shape up or ship out....

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Sounds to me like the daughter is suffering from depression.

This should be checked out, seriously.

+1

How did this work out OP ?

cbyrd wrote: »

Surprisingly not! I had my now 16 year old in counselling a while back when she was being bullied, she used to stay in her room too and I had most of the OP's problems although she was younger.

I was advised to take everything from her room except her bed and her toiletries. As she gradually accepted the house rules she got her stuff back.

First I took down the door, took her stereo,cds, makeup went to the bathroom, books laptop came to the sitting room and over the weeks and months she eventually got everything back, the door was the last thing to go up.
We had hiccups along the way and privileges would sometimes have to be taken back but overall now shes been great.
She's 16 now, we have our moments but because the rules of the house were laid down she knows where the boundary is. She knows when her room is like a tip I am liable to walk in with a black bag and put everything into it, I mean everything cups makeup and stuff has gotten ruined. So when I tell her to tidy up she goes and does it. there's no need for it.
In your case OP, you are the adult, it is your house, YOU set the rules.
she can like it or find somewhere else to live. Just because shes your daughter doesn't mean she can take advantage of you.
Take her door down, bag up her stuff and make up the room as a guest room. If she wants it she can pay for the pleasure.
If she was under 18 it would be different but she's an adult and capable of looking after herself.

Would all that not be a bit extreme for a 22 year old woman? You'll be telling her to put her across her knee and give her a good old fashioned spanking next.

I mean really, what is this? Has 22 become the new 11?

Riot acts need to be read, ultimatums need to be given, tough love needs to be adopted.

I might, and I stress *might* give the girl a free pass if she was 19-20, but at this stage it's almost getting to the Japanese situation of having the 'child-monster' live at home in perpetuity, isolated in their own room and mental psychosis.