Men and Women

Bootup · 13-07-2012 12:47pm

Q. What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?

A. By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to pop your bone in.

Bootup · 16-07-2012 4:47pm

The first guy said, "You know, I'm really lucky. When my wife makes
love, she's like an acrobat. She can get into the most incredible positions."
The second guy said, "I'm lucky, too. My wife is like a world-class pianist when we have sex.
She's got the most talented hands you can imagine."
No one spoke for a moment. Then the first guy said to the third guy,
"George how's your wife in bed?"
George took a sip of his beer, then replied, "I guess you could say that my wife makes love like a chess
player." "A chess player?"
"Yeah. Every twenty minutes, she moves."

Bootup · 17-07-2012 6:38pm

Q: How do you get your wife to scream while you are having an orgasm?

A: Call her and tell her where you are.

Bootup · 18-07-2012 1:51pm

Bootup · 21-07-2012 2:22pm

Bootup · 22-07-2012 6:59pm

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife
look like she's moving during sex.

Bootup · 23-07-2012 1:51pm

Bachelor

1. A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

2. A guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.

3. A man who never makes the same mistake once.

4. A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.

5. A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

6. The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Bootup · 28-07-2012 4:51pm

Have you heard about the new "Mint flavored" birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They're called "Pre-dick-a- mints"

Bootup · 01-08-2012 11:29am

He Said – She Said

He said ............ I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ............. You wear pants don't you?

He said ............. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ............ That's a good idea -- you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart .

He said ............. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ............. Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ............. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
She said ............ They don't have time.

He said ............. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ............ I don't know, it has never happened.

He said ...... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking ?
She said ......They already have boyfriends.

He said ....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said ..A widow.

He said ...... Why are married women heavier than single women ?
She said ..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Bootup · 01-08-2012 1:06pm

Bootup · 02-08-2012 7:22pm

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.

The judge asked the husband, "What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?"

The husband said, "In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing."

The wife said, "Seven weeks."

Bootup · 08-08-2012 8:14pm

A man was lying in bed facing his wife, he looks into her eyes and says "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery."

She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?"

He says "No, I wish you'd rollover!"

Bootup · 15-08-2012 2:28pm

Bootup · 16-08-2012 10:14am

Insider's Guide To The Male Vocabulary

"Haven't I seen you before?"
~~"Nice ass."

"I'm a Romantic."
~~"I'm poor."

"I need you."
~~"My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys."
~~"I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment."
~~"I'm sick of masturbation."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
~~"You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better."
~~"So I can tell my friends about it."

"I don't know if I like her."
~~"She won't sleep with me."

"Was it good for you?"
~~"I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
~~"Is my penis really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night."
~~"Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?"
~~"I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?"
~~"I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?"
~~"I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you."
~~"Get tested."

"I'll give you a call."
~~"I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot."
~~"You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends."
~~"You're ugly."

Bootup · 19-08-2012 7:04pm

Bootup · 24-08-2012 11:40am

Bootup · 24-08-2012 11:42am

Mike returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Mike asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, 'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please ... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Mike, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours ... Do you think we could ...'

At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Mike, enough is enough, I have to get up in the morning ... you don't.'

Bootup · 26-08-2012 3:56pm

Text message between two lovers…

She sends the following message:
My love,
If you're sleeping, send me your dreams
If you're smiling, send me your smile
If you're crying, send me your tears
I love you.

He replied:
I'm in the toilet
What do I send?????????????????????

Bootup · 29-08-2012 12:05pm

No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED, in a way that's easy to understand.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. I beg to differ because, there is:

- When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.

- And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.

- And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are... COMPLETELY FINISHED!

Bootup · 03-09-2012 1:12pm

Where exactly IS the skill in female demolition derby?

There's a dodgy dealer in our area who's responsible for several deaths recently.
He's been selling cars to women.

My wife said she wanted to do something new for her Birthday, something that she'd only be able to do once in a life time.
So I booked her a Driving Experience.

Bootup · 05-09-2012 12:55pm

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have In common?

Most men usually miss them.

Bootup · 08-09-2012 3:49pm

Bootup · 10-09-2012 3:21pm

Bootup · 01-10-2012 5:57pm

Bootup · 03-10-2012 11:32am

Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument

===================

Life is like a penis. Soft and hanging freely. It's women that make it hard

===============

A man who was having an affair saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "Low Battery". Whenever she calls him, his wife takes the phone and plugs it in to be charged.

Bootup · 05-10-2012 2:09pm

Q: What's the best part of a blowjob when you're married?

A: The few minutes of silence.

Bootup · 10-10-2012 1:16pm

Bootup · 11-10-2012 6:06pm

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No.
2. No = Yes.
3. Maybe = No.
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Bootup · 17-10-2012 2:30pm

Bootup · 19-10-2012 10:41am

All men are seduced into believing they're marrying nymphomaniacs.

The great problem is, after a few years, the nympho leaves....

and the maniac stays on.

Bootup · 25-10-2012 11:26am

Bootup · 28-10-2012 5:17pm

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he's going to divorce his wife.

"Good grief" says Jim, "You and Sue are the happiest couple I know. Why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?"

"Well" replies Fred, "Truth be known I'm just bored with pokin' the same hole night after night after night. I guess I'm hankerin' for a bit of variety."

Jim: "Well if you want variety, why don't you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?"

Fred: "What, and have a house full of kids?"

Bootup · 03-11-2012 5:27pm

Seven Kinds Of Sex ....

The 1st kind of sex is called .....
Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and have sex
until you're blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ...
Kitchen Sex.
This is when you've been with your partner for a short time and you're so needy you'll have
Sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ...
Bedroom Sex.
This is when you've been with your partner a long time.
Your sex has become routine and only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ...
Hallway Sex.
This is when you've been with your partner for too long.When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ...
'Fuc* You!'

The 5th kind of sex is called ...
Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning,Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.
(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ...
Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more.She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And. Last ... But not least ...
The 7th kind of sex is called ...
Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

sam1970 · 03-11-2012 5:35pm

brilliant cant stop laughing

Bootup · 05-11-2012 4:02pm

Bootup · 08-11-2012 3:42pm

Q: What's the difference between an eight-months pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Bootup · 17-11-2012 3:18pm

Sunhill · 14-06-2013 5:47pm

"You've put on weight, man, you should do some exercise"
"Actually, I ran a mile last night"
"What prompted you to do that?"
"Was on a date with this chick. Took her to the pub, we were getting on great. Then she said she had two kids at home. That's when I ran a mile last night"

Bootup · 16-06-2013 2:45pm

Men and Women

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