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So....Ashley Madison

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  • 21-08-2015 10:13pm
    #1
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭


    Hi people,

    Just really wanted to air this anonymously to see what opinions are.

    Just found my partners email address come up positive in a search of leaked addresses from the Ashley Madison website. Confronted partner who says, yes, he did sign up but only got so far as the credit detail request stage. This he says was as far as it went.

    About a month previous I saw from his history, activity on another similar site which he gave the same response to...
    Funnily enough I've not come across porn sites in his history which actually wouldn't bother me. Not as much as trawling sites that encourage you to be slimey and go behind your partners back.

    I feel all I can do is blindly trust...what else can I do? ... What would you do? ...


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    #2
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    Did you ask why he keeps signing up to such sites?


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    #3
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    mhge wrote: »
    Did you ask why he keeps signing up to such sites?

    He says that he does it when I'm away, if he's home alone and horny, goes to the site to check for pics etc. .. But says that when it gets to the stage where he has to pay he'll come to his senses... He says also that its not a regular thing
    ...


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    #4
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    Why did you search for him? Is there trust issues?


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    #5
    irishgirl19
    Registered Users Posts: 1,609 ✭✭✭irishgirl19


    nidhona3 wrote:
    He says that he does it when I'm away, if he's home alone and horny, goes to the site to check for pics etc. .. But says that when it gets to the stage where he has to pay he'll come to his senses... He says also that its not a regular thing ...


    I'd be asking him to prove it with his card statement


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    #6
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    He says that he does it when I'm away, if he's home alone and horny, goes to the site to check for pics etc. .. But says that when it gets to the stage where he has to pay he'll come to his senses... He says also that its not a regular thing
    ...

    There's plenty of free erotica online, I think you answered your own question - he goes on cheating sites as that's what he wants. He's not even that bothered by the fact that you keep finding them, doesn't sound like much commitment on his part at all.


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    #7
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    notjustsweet wrote: »
    Why did you search for him? Is there trust issues?

    I searched because i've recently just happened to come across another similar site he had logged onto. When the Ashley Madison news cane up I was curious...


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    #8
    sm213
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭sm213


    From your post it seems he's looking for an affair but doesn't want to pay the credits.
    There's a lot more than pics online for free in porn sites etc.
    Why specifically go to sites for adultery, not just a dating site.
    I don't know where you go from here as you've no proof that he has actually done anything except sign up.
    But the thought of cheating seems to be in his mind. I'd tread carefully here. I don't know if he's trustworthy.


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    #9
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    irishgirl19 wrote: »
    I'd be asking him to prove it with his card statement

    I signed up to it myself out of curiosity to see at what stage they ask for card details. Not a requirement to send messages as far as I can see....


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    #10
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    sm213 wrote: »
    From your post it seems he's looking for an affair but doesn't want to pay the credits.
    There's a lot more than pics online for free in porn sites etc.
    Why specifically go to sites for adultery, not just a dating site.
    I don't know where you go from here as you've no proof that he has actually done anything except sign up.
    But the thought of cheating seems to be in his mind. I'd tread carefully here. I don't know if he's trustworthy.

    I know, I've said that to him...the fact I've come across no porn history. But at the same time, I don't think he'd have any difficulty pulling offline if he really wanted to, so I'm not sure why he'd bother online? ... Duno, maybe its a thing guys like


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    #11
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    I signed up to it myself out of curiosity to see at what stage they ask for card details. Not a requirement to send messages as far as I can see....

    Ashley Madison DO require credit card payment to send messages.

    As to the actual problem - it's worrying, I won't lie.

    Signing up to one site out of curiosity is something I'd be extremely annoyed about, but I'd possibly brush off. People are stupid, we do silly things and curiosity can get the better of us.

    Twice though? That sounds more as though he actually has some intent, but didn't want to pay.

    I'd be quite worried, and wouldn't be happy with him brushing it off.

    I think you guys need to talk again. He needs to realise that while once can be passed off as stupid curiosity, two times cannot be seen as anything other than a genuine intent to cheat.


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    #12
    sm213
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭sm213


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    I know, I've said that to him...the fact I've come across no porn history. But at the same time, I don't think he'd have any difficulty pulling offline if he really wanted to, so I'm not sure why he'd bother online? ... Duno, maybe its a thing guys like

    It could just be the fantasy of messaging an actual person flirting etc without the danger of it getting any further.
    Like in a pub/club environment alcohol could fuel the fantasy and he could end up physically cheating.
    Although I don't know emotionally cheating is just as hurtful even if nothing physical happens.

    Do you honestly believe him?
    Because you are the one that knows him. We can all give advice and suggestions.
    What's your gut telling you?


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    #13
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    Jenny Thalia wrote: »
    Ashley Madison DO require credit card payment to send messages.

    As to the actual problem - it's worrying, I won't lie.

    Signing up to one site out of curiosity is something I'd be extremely annoyed about, but I'd possibly brush off. People are stupid, we do silly things and curiosity can get the better of us.

    Twice though? That sounds more as though he actually has some intent, but didn't want to pay.

    I'd be quite worried, and wouldn't be happy with him brushing it off.

    I think you guys need to talk again. He needs to realise that while once can be passed off as stupid curiosity, two times cannot be seen as anything other than a genuine intent to cheat.


    The above is why it's not sitting well with me this time. But the poblem with the Ashley Madison site is that although his email came up it gives no indication of when he signed in, how often etc. He said he has in the past logged into a few of these sites, even before we were an item. He can't specifically recall A.M. ... So its a tricky one


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    #14
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    sm213 wrote: »
    It could just be the fantasy of messaging an actual person flirting etc without the danger of it getting any further.
    Like in a pub/club environment alcohol could fuel the fantasy and he could end up physically cheating.
    Although I don't know emotionally cheating is just as hurtful even if nothing physical happens.

    Do you honestly believe him?
    Because you are the one that knows him. We can all give advice and suggestions.
    What's your gut telling you?

    This is what I suspect it is, a fantasy thing like you've described. And this being the reason I do believe him deep down. But its so hard to believe in something without proof. Like believing in God.


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    #15
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    The above is why it's not sitting well with me this time. But the poblem with the Ashley Madison site is that although his email came up it gives no indication of when he signed in, how often etc. He said he has in the past logged into a few of these sites, even before we were an item. He can't specifically recall A.M. ... So its a tricky one

    Well, to be honest - he's been on at least one adultery site since you guys got together. So, it's now up to him to regain your trust. That means he should be getting out the credit card statements. If he's paid for any of these sites, he's been doing more than just looking at pictures.


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    #16
    sm213
    Registered Users Posts: 280 ✭✭sm213


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    This is what I suspect it is, a fantasy thing like you've described. And this being the reason I do believe him deep down. But its so hard to believe in something without proof. Like believing in God.

    The problem with the fantasy thing is that what if one day its not enough.
    Could you guys not do role play or something if you are comfortable with that. Be "the other woman".
    Maybe he feels a bit adventurous and is afraid of telling you/offending you so does the dumb thing and searches elsewhere.
    I think you need to point out that signing up to these sites isn't acceptable in your eyes as you are in a committed relationship.
    I don't know where you draw the line with using porn etc. But whatever your views are they need to be known.
    Maybe talk about things he'd like to try or you'd like to try.
    Mix it up a bit.
    Ultimately you will deal with this in your way. I can only give ideas.


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    #17
    ted1
    Registered Users Posts: 23,265 ✭✭✭✭ted1


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    I searched because i've recently just happened to come across another similar site he had logged onto. When the Ashley Madison news cane up I was curious...

    Curiosity killed the cat, out if interest I signed up but never took it any further you have to pay for everything


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    #18
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    notjustsweet wrote: »
    Why did you search for him? Is there trust issues?

    Why does it matter? He is on the list so whether there is trust issues or not is irrelevant.

    I think it's going to take a lot of patience to get your relationship back to a stage where you can trust him again.


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    #19
    CollyFlower
    Registered Users Posts: 5,997 ✭✭✭CollyFlower


    If you are in a loving relationship there is no need to sign up to one of these sites.. :(


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    #20
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    Coming to his senses when he has to get the credit card out is meaningless.

    If he's out with the lads chatting to a woman at what point does he come to his senses?


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    #21
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi,

    I can honestly say that I signed up out of curiosity as much to see if there were many people on it. I looked at a few profiles to see what kind of people they were but never contacted or messaged anyone. Now I'm going to have to tell my wife, mother of our two kids. I'm an idiot and could possibly have ruined our family.

    It's very possible he did the same thing.


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    #22
    Sunflower 27
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,955 ✭✭✭Sunflower 27


    I think he is making a fool of you.

    What more evidence do you need that this guy can't be trusted?

    He is contacting other women to chat to them - that is not harmless looking online. He sounds like a lying dirt bag. Pursue this relationship at your own peril would be my advice.


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    #23
    giggle84
    Registered Users Posts: 168 ✭✭giggle84


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    I signed up to it myself out of curiosity to see at what stage they ask for card details. Not a requirement to send messages as far as I can see....

    OP I think only men have to pay to use it, it's free for women which is why you wouldn't have been asked to pay. I'm open to correction on this though as I haven't used it myself.

    Could you ask him to log into his account and show you that his card details aren't on it and that he never contacted anyone? Assuming that user history shows up on AM that is.


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    #24
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Are you sure this Facebook link was legitimate? Could of just been retrieving emails giving false data. Id want access to the full dump if I wanted to be certain


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    #25
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    Taliaalghul wrote: »
    Are you sure this Facebook link was legitimate? Could of just been retrieving emails giving false data. Id want access to the full dump if I wanted to be certain

    I thought about that so tried the 4 or 5 email addresses I have to check and all clear, so how is it just his?

    I've approached him about it and he's admitted he probably did sign up at one stage but doesn't know when or anything particular about it being AM


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    #26
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    giggle84 wrote: »
    OP I think only men have to pay to use it, it's free for women which is why you wouldn't have been asked to pay. I'm open to correction on this though as I haven't used it myself.

    Could you ask him to log into his account and show you that his card details aren't on it and that he never contacted anyone? Assuming that user history shows up on AM that is.

    I tried resetting his password on the site. AM site said if your email exists in our database then you will receive an email to reset password.... One never came


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    #27
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    I tried resetting his password on the site. AM site said if your email exists in our database then you will receive an email to reset password.... One never came

    He could have closed the account already.


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    #28
    nidhona3
    Registered Users Posts: 24 ✭nidhona3


    mhge wrote: »
    He could have closed the account already.

    Don't you have to pay 20 euro to do that. He's such a technophob and only recently started using card for things online so tbh don't think he's savvy enough to have been able to live this other life and manage to conceal it so well.

    Maybe I should give him more credit but I want to believe him.


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    #29
    sReq | uTeK
    Registered Users Posts: 5,999 ✭✭✭sReq | uTeK


    Run


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    #30
    strandroad
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,676 ✭✭✭strandroad


    nidhona3 wrote: »
    Don't you have to pay 20 euro to do that. He's such a technophob and only recently started using card for things online so tbh don't think he's savvy enough to have been able to live this other life and manage to conceal it so well.

    I haven't used the site but I believe that you can close your account for free; you are supposed to pay if you want it (and the message trail) erased from their database.


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    #31
    njs030
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    Have you asked to see his bank and credit card statements?
    Wouldn't that be the easiest way of proving his innocence for both of you?


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