So....Ashley Madison

nidhona3

Hi people,

Just really wanted to air this anonymously to see what opinions are.

Just found my partners email address come up positive in a search of leaked addresses from the Ashley Madison website. Confronted partner who says, yes, he did sign up but only got so far as the credit detail request stage. This he says was as far as it went.

About a month previous I saw from his history, activity on another similar site which he gave the same response to...
Funnily enough I've not come across porn sites in his history which actually wouldn't bother me. Not as much as trawling sites that encourage you to be slimey and go behind your partners back.

I feel all I can do is blindly trust...what else can I do? ... What would you do? ...

strandroad

Did you ask why he keeps signing up to such sites?

nidhona3

mhge wrote: »

Did you ask why he keeps signing up to such sites?

He says that he does it when I'm away, if he's home alone and horny, goes to the site to check for pics etc. .. But says that when it gets to the stage where he has to pay he'll come to his senses... He says also that its not a regular thing
...

njs030

Why did you search for him? Is there trust issues?

irishgirl19

nidhona3 wrote:

He says that he does it when I'm away, if he's home alone and horny, goes to the site to check for pics etc. .. But says that when it gets to the stage where he has to pay he'll come to his senses... He says also that its not a regular thing ...

I'd be asking him to prove it with his card statement

strandroad

nidhona3 wrote: »

He says that he does it when I'm away, if he's home alone and horny, goes to the site to check for pics etc. .. But says that when it gets to the stage where he has to pay he'll come to his senses... He says also that its not a regular thing
...

There's plenty of free erotica online, I think you answered your own question - he goes on cheating sites as that's what he wants. He's not even that bothered by the fact that you keep finding them, doesn't sound like much commitment on his part at all.

nidhona3

notjustsweet wrote: »

Why did you search for him? Is there trust issues?

I searched because i've recently just happened to come across another similar site he had logged onto. When the Ashley Madison news cane up I was curious...

sm213

From your post it seems he's looking for an affair but doesn't want to pay the credits.
There's a lot more than pics online for free in porn sites etc.
Why specifically go to sites for adultery, not just a dating site.
I don't know where you go from here as you've no proof that he has actually done anything except sign up.
But the thought of cheating seems to be in his mind. I'd tread carefully here. I don't know if he's trustworthy.

nidhona3

irishgirl19 wrote: »

I'd be asking him to prove it with his card statement

I signed up to it myself out of curiosity to see at what stage they ask for card details. Not a requirement to send messages as far as I can see....

nidhona3

sm213 wrote: »

From your post it seems he's looking for an affair but doesn't want to pay the credits.
There's a lot more than pics online for free in porn sites etc.
Why specifically go to sites for adultery, not just a dating site.
I don't know where you go from here as you've no proof that he has actually done anything except sign up.
But the thought of cheating seems to be in his mind. I'd tread carefully here. I don't know if he's trustworthy.

I know, I've said that to him...the fact I've come across no porn history. But at the same time, I don't think he'd have any difficulty pulling offline if he really wanted to, so I'm not sure why he'd bother online? ... Duno, maybe its a thing guys like

Penny Tration

nidhona3 wrote: »

I signed up to it myself out of curiosity to see at what stage they ask for card details. Not a requirement to send messages as far as I can see....

Ashley Madison DO require credit card payment to send messages.

As to the actual problem - it's worrying, I won't lie.

Signing up to one site out of curiosity is something I'd be extremely annoyed about, but I'd possibly brush off. People are stupid, we do silly things and curiosity can get the better of us.

Twice though? That sounds more as though he actually has some intent, but didn't want to pay.

I'd be quite worried, and wouldn't be happy with him brushing it off.

I think you guys need to talk again. He needs to realise that while once can be passed off as stupid curiosity, two times cannot be seen as anything other than a genuine intent to cheat.

sm213

nidhona3 wrote: »

I know, I've said that to him...the fact I've come across no porn history. But at the same time, I don't think he'd have any difficulty pulling offline if he really wanted to, so I'm not sure why he'd bother online? ... Duno, maybe its a thing guys like

It could just be the fantasy of messaging an actual person flirting etc without the danger of it getting any further.
Like in a pub/club environment alcohol could fuel the fantasy and he could end up physically cheating.
Although I don't know emotionally cheating is just as hurtful even if nothing physical happens.

Do you honestly believe him?
Because you are the one that knows him. We can all give advice and suggestions.
What's your gut telling you?

nidhona3

Jenny Thalia wrote: »

Ashley Madison DO require credit card payment to send messages.

As to the actual problem - it's worrying, I won't lie.

Signing up to one site out of curiosity is something I'd be extremely annoyed about, but I'd possibly brush off. People are stupid, we do silly things and curiosity can get the better of us.

Twice though? That sounds more as though he actually has some intent, but didn't want to pay.

I'd be quite worried, and wouldn't be happy with him brushing it off.

I think you guys need to talk again. He needs to realise that while once can be passed off as stupid curiosity, two times cannot be seen as anything other than a genuine intent to cheat.

The above is why it's not sitting well with me this time. But the poblem with the Ashley Madison site is that although his email came up it gives no indication of when he signed in, how often etc. He said he has in the past logged into a few of these sites, even before we were an item. He can't specifically recall A.M. ... So its a tricky one

nidhona3

sm213 wrote: »

It could just be the fantasy of messaging an actual person flirting etc without the danger of it getting any further.
Like in a pub/club environment alcohol could fuel the fantasy and he could end up physically cheating.
Although I don't know emotionally cheating is just as hurtful even if nothing physical happens.

Do you honestly believe him?
Because you are the one that knows him. We can all give advice and suggestions.
What's your gut telling you?

This is what I suspect it is, a fantasy thing like you've described. And this being the reason I do believe him deep down. But its so hard to believe in something without proof. Like believing in God.

Penny Tration

nidhona3 wrote: »

The above is why it's not sitting well with me this time. But the poblem with the Ashley Madison site is that although his email came up it gives no indication of when he signed in, how often etc. He said he has in the past logged into a few of these sites, even before we were an item. He can't specifically recall A.M. ... So its a tricky one

Well, to be honest - he's been on at least one adultery site since you guys got together. So, it's now up to him to regain your trust. That means he should be getting out the credit card statements. If he's paid for any of these sites, he's been doing more than just looking at pictures.

sm213

nidhona3 wrote: »

This is what I suspect it is, a fantasy thing like you've described. And this being the reason I do believe him deep down. But its so hard to believe in something without proof. Like believing in God.

The problem with the fantasy thing is that what if one day its not enough.
Could you guys not do role play or something if you are comfortable with that. Be "the other woman".
Maybe he feels a bit adventurous and is afraid of telling you/offending you so does the dumb thing and searches elsewhere.
I think you need to point out that signing up to these sites isn't acceptable in your eyes as you are in a committed relationship.
I don't know where you draw the line with using porn etc. But whatever your views are they need to be known.
Maybe talk about things he'd like to try or you'd like to try.
Mix it up a bit.
Ultimately you will deal with this in your way. I can only give ideas.

ted1

nidhona3 wrote: »

I searched because i've recently just happened to come across another similar site he had logged onto. When the Ashley Madison news cane up I was curious...

Curiosity killed the cat, out if interest I signed up but never took it any further you have to pay for everything

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

Why did you search for him? Is there trust issues?

Why does it matter? He is on the list so whether there is trust issues or not is irrelevant.

I think it's going to take a lot of patience to get your relationship back to a stage where you can trust him again.

CollyFlower

If you are in a loving relationship there is no need to sign up to one of these sites..

MagicMarker

Coming to his senses when he has to get the credit card out is meaningless.

If he's out with the lads chatting to a woman at what point does he come to his senses?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I can honestly say that I signed up out of curiosity as much to see if there were many people on it. I looked at a few profiles to see what kind of people they were but never contacted or messaged anyone. Now I'm going to have to tell my wife, mother of our two kids. I'm an idiot and could possibly have ruined our family.

It's very possible he did the same thing.

Sunflower 27

I think he is making a fool of you.

What more evidence do you need that this guy can't be trusted?

He is contacting other women to chat to them - that is not harmless looking online. He sounds like a lying dirt bag. Pursue this relationship at your own peril would be my advice.

giggle84

nidhona3 wrote: »

I signed up to it myself out of curiosity to see at what stage they ask for card details. Not a requirement to send messages as far as I can see....

OP I think only men have to pay to use it, it's free for women which is why you wouldn't have been asked to pay. I'm open to correction on this though as I haven't used it myself.

Could you ask him to log into his account and show you that his card details aren't on it and that he never contacted anyone? Assuming that user history shows up on AM that is.

LegacyUser

Are you sure this Facebook link was legitimate? Could of just been retrieving emails giving false data. Id want access to the full dump if I wanted to be certain

nidhona3

Taliaalghul wrote: »

Are you sure this Facebook link was legitimate? Could of just been retrieving emails giving false data. Id want access to the full dump if I wanted to be certain

I thought about that so tried the 4 or 5 email addresses I have to check and all clear, so how is it just his?

I've approached him about it and he's admitted he probably did sign up at one stage but doesn't know when or anything particular about it being AM

nidhona3

giggle84 wrote: »

OP I think only men have to pay to use it, it's free for women which is why you wouldn't have been asked to pay. I'm open to correction on this though as I haven't used it myself.

Could you ask him to log into his account and show you that his card details aren't on it and that he never contacted anyone? Assuming that user history shows up on AM that is.

I tried resetting his password on the site. AM site said if your email exists in our database then you will receive an email to reset password.... One never came

strandroad

nidhona3 wrote: »

I tried resetting his password on the site. AM site said if your email exists in our database then you will receive an email to reset password.... One never came

He could have closed the account already.

nidhona3

mhge wrote: »

He could have closed the account already.

Don't you have to pay 20 euro to do that. He's such a technophob and only recently started using card for things online so tbh don't think he's savvy enough to have been able to live this other life and manage to conceal it so well.

Maybe I should give him more credit but I want to believe him.

sReq | uTeK

Run

strandroad

nidhona3 wrote: »

Don't you have to pay 20 euro to do that. He's such a technophob and only recently started using card for things online so tbh don't think he's savvy enough to have been able to live this other life and manage to conceal it so well.

I haven't used the site but I believe that you can close your account for free; you are supposed to pay if you want it (and the message trail) erased from their database.

njs030

Have you asked to see his bank and credit card statements?
Wouldn't that be the easiest way of proving his innocence for both of you?

Matteroffact

how do you find out who is a member of the Ashley Addison site without signing up ?

Sunflower 27

nidhona3 wrote: »

Don't you have to pay 20 euro to do that. He's such a technophob and only recently started using card for things online so tbh don't think he's savvy enough to have been able to live this other life and manage to conceal it so well.

Maybe I should give him more credit but I want to believe him.

I get you want to believe him, but burying your head in the sand will only hurt you more in the long term.

In this day and age it is hard to believe a young person does not know how to join a website. When a business wants your money, they make it very easy and clear how to join/become a member.

Given the nature of the site, I find it very hard to believe he forgot. I had never even heard of this site before, but clearly it is well known to people that want to cheat - and get away with it.

I really feel your pain, but would you really prefer to stay with him, always questioning what he is doing when he is not at home?

If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that I am not going to be fobbed off with 'I don't remember'. He surely must have been getting correspondence from the site so he knew he was on it.

I get you just want all this to go away. But you can't un-see what you saw. You need a better explanation than 'I don't remember'.

Penny Tration

nidhona3 wrote: »

Don't you have to pay 20 euro to do that. He's such a technophob and only recently started using card for things online so tbh don't think he's savvy enough to have been able to live this other life and manage to conceal it so well.

Maybe I should give him more credit but I want to believe him.

You don't have to pay to close an account. you only pay to have them wipe all your information from their database. That's where this hack came from - the website had lied when they said they'd wipe everything for a fee.

Tbh, he should be showing you his card statements without you needing to ask. He's being very nonchalant about it, as though it's not a big deal. Once could be passed off as silliness or nosiness, but it's twice, that you know about. That means he at least has intentions of cheating.

argentum

Stupid man wrote: »

Hi,

I can honestly say that I signed up out of curiosity as much to see if there were many people on it. I looked at a few profiles to see what kind of people they were but never contacted or messaged anyone. Now I'm going to have to tell my wife, mother of our two kids. I'm an idiot and could possibly have ruined our family.

It's very possible he did the same thing.

Please dont tell your wife if you think it could possibly ruin your marriage and your family life.You did something out of curiosity that most men would do without thinking that they were cheating on their partner.You dont need to feel guilty if you know that your intention was not to cheat but just to look.If it ever came up in a conversation that she found your email adddress listed just lie and say its not you but someone messing.

SpaceRocket

Don't lie about it. Tell her, and let her decide what she wants to do. Your name or email address or whatever is out there now as having signed up to that site so either she finds out now from you or further down the line. If she feels she deserves better, then let her go so she can find someone who deserves her trust.

argentum

SpaceRocket wrote: »

Don't lie about it. Tell her, and let her decide what she wants to do. Your name or email address or whatever is out there now as having signed up to that site so either she finds out now from you or further down the line. If she feels she deserves better, then let her go so she can find someone who deserves her trust.

Why would you wreck your marriage and life over something that's not really important but silly and stupid.
You know her , we don't but if you feel that your marriage would end don't tell her.Its a website , you had a look to see what the fuss was just out of curiosity but didn't do anything. Is that cheating ....No its not . Are you untrustworthy....No you're not
Just don't do something as stupid again.

zeffabelli

I know it's not the same but I will daydream about all the places I can go, fantasise about alternative lives I can lead, flute around on Ryanair.com with their cheap fares, allowing me to dream, but I know I will never ever book a flight to these places.

Reality starts with handing over the money, before that, it's just a dream.nothing more.

deseil

argentum wrote: »

Why would you wreck your marriage and life over something that's not really important but silly and stupid.
You know her , we don't but if you feel that your marriage would end don't tell her.Its a website , you had a look to see what the fuss was just out of curiosity but didn't do anything. Is that cheating ....No its not . Are you untrustworthy....No you're not
Just don't do something as stupid again.

I agree, you were curious you did nothing wrong, but if you tell her it will cause alot of hurt and trust issues and will most likely be a kick in the teeth for her. If she finds your email lie and say you never signed up. If you just looked theres no credit card information.

KomradeBishop

The websites that search for the email, only tell you that the email is in the list - however, the actual database leaked, contains information like last digits of credit card, profile information like height, IP address, GPS co-ordinates (think that applies only to app) etc. - you can check this more directly, and if any of that kind of data is present, you can out him for sure and catch him in a lie.

The problem is: It's a raw database dump, it's hard to analyse without technical knowledge.

It's only a matter of time before a search tool turns up, with this extra information though.

Rikand

MagicMarker wrote: »

Coming to his senses when he has to get the credit card out is meaningless.

If he's out with the lads chatting to a woman at what point does he come to his senses?

When he has to buy her a drink ?

"Oh, can't be having that..."

EuropeanSon

I assume you all know that there weren't actually any girls on these sites. I read that something like only a few thousand out of millions of female profiles were believed to be genuine.

There's next to no chance that your boyfriend met someone and had an affair through this site, whether or not he intended to is another matter.

LegacyUser

EuropeanSon wrote: »

I assume you all know that there weren't actually any girls on these sites. I read that something like only a few thousand out of millions of female profiles were believed to be genuine.

There's next to no chance that your boyfriend met someone and had an affair through this site, whether or not he intended to is another matter.

The intention is almost the only thing that's important.

I found a foreign brand of condom in my ex's coat pocket just after he'd been abroad for work (I wasn't searching, I'd just borrowed the nearest coat to go out to the bin in the pouring rain). This is when I knew it was all over. He told me he hadn't done anything, but that was really not the point, was it?

Witchie

Imogen06 wrote: »

The intention is almost the only thing that's important.

I found a foreign brand of condom in my ex's coat pocket just after he'd been abroad for work (I wasn't searching, I'd just borrowed the nearest coat to go out to the bin in the pouring rain). This is when I knew it was all over. He told me he hadn't done anything, but that was really not the point, was it?

Similarly for me. I found a packet of condoms in my husbands pocket after he had been out at a stag night and when I asked him about it he said that the stag and him had been chatting to 2 girls and the stag had told him he was in there and egged him on to buy condoms which he did. He said he did nothing after that but for me he had crossed a line of just talking to a girl and buying condoms to have sex with her. I dumped his ass.

Sometimes the intention to cheat is enough.

conor8989

nidhona3 wrote: »

Hi people,

Just really wanted to air this anonymously to see what opinions are.

Just found my partners email address come up positive in a search of leaked addresses from the Ashley Madison website. Confronted partner who says, yes, he did sign up but only got so far as the credit detail request stage. This he says was as far as it went.

About a month previous I saw from his history, activity on another similar site which he gave the same response to...
Funnily enough I've not come across porn sites in his history which actually wouldn't bother me. Not as much as trawling sites that encourage you to be slimey and go behind your partners back.

I feel all I can do is blindly trust...what else can I do? ... What would you do? ...

dont know really its a tough one why is he thinking about other women if it was a free site would he have acted on it probley