husband going home for six weeks

bruno79 · 20-08-2015 11:22am #1

Hi all im wondering if im insecure or selfish my husband of 8 months wants to go see his family for 6weeks in his country im thinking its very long time i also afraid in six weeks he will get usrd to not having me around and will not want to come back here or that he will meet somebody his own culture and stay therr am i insecure and overreacting

Tilly · 20-08-2015 11:31am

You are seriously overreacting. Let him go see his family, 6 weeks isn’t that long and he will not forget about you. You cant be stuck to his hip 24/7.

ManOfMystery · 20-08-2015 11:34am

If a husband and wife can't exist without each other for a month and a half without one thinking the other will leave or won't come back, there are serious issues at play in the marriage.

There are couples who spend much longer than that apart. My Uncle is a deep sea diver and has been married to my Aunt for 25+ years, it's not uncommon for him to sometimes be away on a rig for 4 or 5 months at a time. Doesn't mean he's going to run off with someone else.

Dial Hard · 20-08-2015 12:47pm

bruno79 wrote: »

Hi all im wondering if im insecure or selfish my husband of 8 months wants to go see his family for 6weeks in his country im thinking its very long time i also afraid in six weeks he will get usrd to not having me around and will not want to come back here or that he will meet somebody his own culture and stay therr am i insecure and overreacting

It's extremely insecure to think that a six-week absence means your husband is going to leave you, yes. You guys are married 8 months, can I ask whether you were together long before you got married? I ask because your comment about him getting used to not having your around is a very strange one to make, imo.

I have a feeling lots of people will come on here asking could you not go with him and normally I would too, but tbh I think there are bigger issues at play here and you going with him isn't going to fix any of them.

You need to ask yourself why you feel so worried about your husband essentially going AWOL the second he leaves the country.

Pyr0 · 20-08-2015 1:01pm

ManOfMystery wrote: »

There are couples who spend much longer than that apart. My Uncle is a deep sea diver and has been married to my Aunt for 25+ years, it's not uncommon for him to sometimes be away on a rig for 4 or 5 months at a time. Doesn't mean he's going to run off with someone else.

He's either on a rig or deep sea diving, where is he gonna go?

In all seriousness tho OP, 6 weeks shouldn't be a problem for a married couple to spend apart, especially if it's just to see family and friends back home.

If you find 6 weeks too long for a trip away without him, why not go with him for a week or two?

Wright · 20-08-2015 1:03pm

ManOfMystery wrote: »

If a husband and wife can't exist without each other for a month and a half without one thinking the other will leave or won't come back, there are serious issues at play in the marriage.

There are couples who spend much longer than that apart. My Uncle is a deep sea diver and has been married to my Aunt for 25+ years, it's not uncommon for him to sometimes be away on a rig for 4 or 5 months at a time. Doesn't mean he's going to run off with someone else.

Well what's he gonna do, sleep with the fishes? Slightly different scenario there don't ya think.

Into The Blue · 20-08-2015 1:09pm

How long were ye dating before ye got engaged?
How long were ye engaged prior to the wedding?

bruno79 · 20-08-2015 1:15pm

His family dont know were married as they are very strict and we got married after 8 months. Of meeting

Into The Blue · 20-08-2015 1:21pm

Are you more worried there's a chance he's in it for the passport?
Have you taken out contacts/bills/loans in your name for him?

bruno79 · 20-08-2015 1:26pm

Fyes ive taken a phone contrat in my name for him

ManOfMystery · 20-08-2015 1:38pm

Wright wrote: »

Well what's he gonna do, sleep with the fishes? Slightly different scenario there don't ya think.

Pyr0 wrote: »

He's either on a rig or deep sea diving, where is he gonna go?

For the record, the rig was near land (though still thousands of miles away from my Aunt) so it's not like he was sea-based the whole time. They often went on shore at weekends.

Whether he was on a rig or sitting in a bar every night is totally irrelevant anyhow. My point was that in terms of being apart from his wife, their separation could go on for months on end - it didn't mean he was up to anything or thinking of leaving her. 6 weeks is but a drop in the ocean (no pun intended) of time, and to start dreaming up worst case scenarios is a sign of deep insecurity and also a gross overreaction.

OP, the most likely scenario is - *shock* *horror* - he's just visiting his family. Like he says.

cactusgal · 20-08-2015 1:48pm

I think the fact that the husband's family doesn't know he is married is the bigger issue here!!

Emme · 20-08-2015 2:22pm

bruno79 wrote: »

Fyes ive taken a phone contrat in my name for him

Could he not get a phone contract in his own name? Make sure you sort out the cost of roaming charges etc. before you go.

I hope you don't have a joint account or share any other financial arrangements. At least not until his family know about you and you have met them.

Each to their own but I would not marry somebody no matter where they were from if their family didn't know about me and I hadn't met their family face to face. Just to be sure there aren't any other spouses hidden away. I'm sure this is not the case with the OP and her husband.

How long did you know him before you got married?

Taltos · 26-08-2015 10:23pm

Mod Note
Re-opened at OPs request

Dial Hard · 26-08-2015 11:12pm

All is becoming clear.

OP, I don't really know what to advise you here. My first post said that yes, I thought you were overreacting but with the bit of extra info above the issue is a bit more complex. Your relationship is one of very short duration and there are very obviously huge cultural differences at play.

I think all you can do is outline your worries to your husband and then hope for the best.

Stheno · 26-08-2015 11:15pm

bruno79 wrote: »

His family dont know were married as they are very strict and we got married after 8 months. Of meeting

Where is your husband from? By very strict do you mean they are very religious? If so what religion?

Ursus Horribilis · 26-08-2015 11:25pm

OP is your husband from a country where he needs to marry an Irish or EU citizen in order to stay here? Maybe my imagination's running away with itself here but some things aren't sitting right

1. You and him marrying within 8 months of meeting. Why the rush?
2. His parents are very strict and don't know you're married.
3. Your fear that he will meet someone else on his trip home and not come back. Incidentally, why isn't he bringing you home to visit his family?

What does your family think of him by the way? Your friends? Can you elaborate on why you are so worried about this that you opened two threads? Is it because your gut is screaming at you that he has used you to get a visa and that he doesn't actually love you?

Neyite · 26-08-2015 11:32pm

OP, sometimes it pays to listen to our gut.

Your husband who you've known for a mere 16 months, and married for 8 of those, is going home for 6 weeks to a family who don't know he is married. This isn't simple jealousy kicking in for you, this is your gut telling you that despite the fact that you are married, you don't know him all that well. Considering that you need to give 3 months notice to marry here (assuming you got married in this country) then you got engaged at a maximum of 5 months into your relationship. That's fast. Why so soon? Did your family attend? Your friends?

There are unconventional relationships, or whirlwind romances. There are people who met, married and had a child in the time it took for my partner and I to even get a joint account sorted. While you cant judge your relationship by another couple's, you have a gut feeling that there is something off happening here.

Is his country a similar culture /language /religion to yours? What kind of concerns are you having about his trip?

bruno79 · 26-08-2015 11:40pm

Yes he is indian so im afraid his family will try keep him there and cobvince hin to an arranged marraige he said they wont do that but im not so sure and im afraid he will realize he missed his family ao much that he decides to stay there7 weeks can change alot

Stheno · 26-08-2015 11:44pm

bruno79 wrote: »

Yes he is indian so im afraid his family will try keep him there and cobvince hin to an arranged marraige he said they wont do that but im not so sure and im afraid he will realize he missed his family ao much that he decides to stay there7 weeks can change alot

Is he Muslim and did you get married so he could stay here?

bruno79 · 26-08-2015 11:48pm

He is muslim his family know im his gielfriend but not that we are married he said he needs find right tine to tell them as he was married before and is devorced he didnt ask me to come with him i just have a sick feeling in my gut something bad is going to happen maybe im insecure but the next 7 weeks will be torture bot knowing wull my husband come back And if he doesnt im left to pick up the peices

bruno79 · 26-08-2015 11:50pm

No i married him because i love him

Stheno · 26-08-2015 11:53pm

bruno79 wrote: »

He is muslim his family know im his gielfriend but not that we are married he said he needs find right tine to tell them as he was married before and is devorced he didnt ask me to come with him i just have a sick feeling in my gut something bad is going to happen maybe im insecure but the next 7 weeks will be torture bot knowing wull my husband come back And if he doesnt im left to pick up the peices

I suspect given his religion that there are some serious issues here

Have you asked if you can go with him on the trip:

bruno79 · 27-08-2015 12:00am

No i knew there was no point asking if he wanted me to go he wouldof asked i bought his ticket and 300 spending i dont know how to wait 7 weeks tourtuing myself

bruno79 · 27-08-2015 12:05am

What i need to no is am i right tp be worried or am i being over cautiousu

Stheno · 27-08-2015 12:06am

bruno79 wrote: »

No i knew there was no point asking if he wanted me to go he wouldof asked i bought his ticket and 300 spending i dont know how to wait 7 weeks tourtuing myself

Does he work? Why did you have to buy his ticket and give him money?

Sounds like you are a meal ticket.

What does he do that he is here legally?

Ursus Horribilis · 27-08-2015 12:07am

I don't know how to put this to you tactfully but are you vulnerable in any way?

bruno79 · 27-08-2015 12:16am

Yes im vunrable just want to make him happy he got a job recently but kept his wages for his trip

bruno79 · 27-08-2015 12:18am

He got a stamp 4 when wr married meaning he leagally is entitled to stay now and work

Neyite · 27-08-2015 12:19am

bruno79 wrote: »

What i need to no is am i right tp be worried or am i being over cautiousu

If it were me, I'd be worried. Why is he hiding you? He's a grown man on his second marriage so why on earth marry you if he cant admit it to his own family? What will happen if they know he married outside of his country, religion and culture?

Look, the early days of love, you want to shout it to the world how much you mean to each other. He should be practically dragging you home to meet the woman he adores and who he wants to spend the rest of his life with. You should be nauseatingly loved up with him, not worried that he will forget he has a wife after a few weeks.

Were you married in Ireland in a legally binding ceremony?

bruno79 · 27-08-2015 12:25am

Yes we were legaly married he told me im to fat to be accepted by his family that his culture frown upon overweight women im only averagely overweight i think he wanted to go home withoyt any issues abd becauae we not long together his fanily will go crazy

Stheno · 27-08-2015 12:30am

bruno79 wrote: »

He got a stamp 4 when wr married meaning he leagally is entitled to stay now and work

I'd be worried if I were you
he appears to have little means, got a visa to stay here once you married still can't get a mobile in his own name, has borrowed off you to go home, and his family think you are just a girlfriend??
Do you not see anything wrong here:

Stheno · 27-08-2015 12:32am

bruno79 wrote: »

Yes we were legaly married he told me im to fat to be accepted by his family that his culture frown upon overweight women im only averagely overweight i think he wanted to go home withoyt any issues abd becauae we not long together his fanily will go crazy

So being brutal he married you for the visa
Get out

Ursus Horribilis · 27-08-2015 12:33am

I don't know how to say this to you without being hurtful but it makes sense that he'd go for someone like you. A bit vulnerable, low self esteem perhaps? It didn't surprise me when you mentioned your weight. Have you had many boyfriends in recent years?

I've got a horrible feeling he chose you as his meal ticket and has told you a pack of lies to keep you hidden from his family. Worse still, you're choosing to believe them because you don't want to face up to what is obvious to the rest of us.

maggiepip · 27-08-2015 12:34am

Saying that you're too fat to be accepted by his family is straightforward emotional abuse and manipulation. Im sorry op but you have big problems with this man.

bruno79 · 27-08-2015 12:45am

Vut his sster in law asked me to come next year with him they like to meet me but he told 2 friends hr married tge rest of the time if someobe rings ive to be quiet as he not ment to be living with a woman before marraige at the start he told all facebook he engaged then took it off his profile all of a sudden shurley he cant fake love can he we spent every day chating on phone n at home we never left each others sides in a year this r first time apart

Stheno · 27-08-2015 8:52am

bruno79 wrote: »

Vut his sster in law asked me to come next year with him they like to meet me but he told 2 friends hr married tge rest of the time if someobe rings ive to be quiet as he not ment to be living with a woman before marraige at the start he told all facebook he engaged then took it off his profile all of a sudden shurley he cant fake love can he we spent every day chating on phone n at home we never left each others sides in a year this r first time apart

Op it's not normal to live a life where you have to pretend you are not around if someone rings your husband

Are you Irish? Do you have any family you can talk to?

Tilly · 27-08-2015 9:11am

I take back my first comment. Knowing a lot more facts now it would seem that you have reason to be worried. Can you tell me what he actually brings to the relationship for you?

kylith · 27-08-2015 9:33am

OP, realistically you can't know until he comes back if he is going to come back.

Now, maybe he married you because he loves you but, to put it bluntly, marrying you was how he got a visa to stay in the country. Did he push for such a quick marriage?

In all honesty warning bells are ringing here: you paid for his ticket, you gave him spending money, his phone contract is in your name. God only knows what he's put in your name since you got married. This 'cultural problem with being overweight' sounds like total BS to me; where is he from? Has he been in contact with you since he went away?

And yes, some people can fake love very easily.

Emme · 27-08-2015 9:39am

bruno79 wrote: »

Yes we were legaly married he told me im to fat to be accepted by his family that his culture frown upon overweight women im only averagely overweight i think he wanted to go home withoyt any issues abd becauae we not long together his fanily will go crazy

That seems strange. I dated an Indian guy (Hindu) for a few months and while we were together I went from a size 10 to a 12 because he kept feeding me up. He said that curvier women were liked in India - look at Bollywood actresses.

OP your husband said he was divorced but if you haven't met his family how do you know the marriage is still over? In some religions it is accepted to have more than one wife.

It is not legal to have more than one wife in Ireland.

It is strange for him to go home for such a long time and not bring you with him. Particularly if he used all his wages to pay for his ticket home. Has he contributed financially to your household at all or are you bankrolling him?

I would advise you to meet with trusted friends or family and discuss your concerns with them. Swallow your pride and them say what they want. You need to have support behind you when your husband comes back so you can face whatever it is you are afraid of. Do you have any assets in your name such as a house or apartment? If so it might be a good idea to seek legal advice.

Neyite · 27-08-2015 9:47am

There is no culture that frowns on overweight or slightly overweight people to the extent that they are ostracised from family. He is lying.

And certainly not a Muslim and Indian one. In fact, in many Middle East and Eastern countries, carrying around a bit of weight traditionally indicated you eat well and therefore had prosperity and wealth - which were good things to have.

It takes a special kind of asshole to twist the fact he doesn't want to introduce his wife to his family in such a way that he blames her for being too overweight to meet them. :mad:

You paid for his flights, his spending money, his phone. You have, by marrying him, given him something extremely valuable - the right to work and live in Ireland. This is not sounding good OP.

Dial Hard · 27-08-2015 11:48am

OP, where are your family in all of this? I would almost put money on you not having a good relationship with them/being estranged.

You sound extremely vulnerable and naïve, with low self-esteem. The perfect personality trifecta for a cynical visa-hunter. I'm guessing that he was the one driving the relationship to the next level from the start; he suggested moving in together, he was the one who proposed early, he was the one pushing for the marriage.

How did you meet? What did/do your friends think of him? Have you met any of his friends?

What about his first marriage? Was she Indian? Did it take place in India? How long are they divorced? How long had he been in Ireland before he met you? I'm not firing all these questions at you out of nosiness, I just want you to think about how well you actually know this man.

This entire situation stinks to high heaven for me and if I were you, I'd be doing as much digging as possible to find out whether or not his first marriage ever actually legally ended.

baby and crumble · 27-08-2015 12:39pm

OP, I see from some of your other threads that you're a Mum- surely then you wouldn't be able to go to India for 7 weeks this time of year? Where are you getting your money to pay for his ticket and give him spending money?

giggle84 · 27-08-2015 3:08pm

Emme wrote: »

It is strange for him to go home for such a long time and not bring you with him. Particularly if he used all his wages to pay for his ticket home.

And if he has a new job? How is he getting that much time off?

None of this sounds good.

strandroad · 27-08-2015 3:16pm

I'm sorry to be blunt OP but from the facts you describe he's a bully, a liar and a leech.

He did not marry you out of love and he does not think about you as his true wife, his family will not know that you exist at all if he can help it. You're not a person, but a passport, credit card and a roof over his head to him.

He's using and abusing your generosity and naivety and gives nothing but empty words and lies back.

Do you have anyone to turn to for support?

giggle84 · 27-08-2015 3:18pm

baby and crumble wrote: »

OP, I see from some of your other threads that you're a Mum- surely then you wouldn't be able to go to India for 7 weeks this time of year? Where are you getting your money to pay for his ticket and give him spending money?

I had a look at other threads too.. OP did you get married in Northern Ireland?

Dial Hard · 27-08-2015 3:44pm

giggle84 wrote: »

I had a look at other threads too.. OP did you get married in Northern Ireland?

I don't know what difference you think that makes, her marriage is no less legally valid if she did.

Faith · 27-08-2015 4:26pm

Dial Hard wrote: »

I don't know what difference you think that makes, her marriage is no less legally valid if she did.

Presumably they're asking because you don't need to give as much notice to get married in NI as you do in the Republic. It's 3 months in the Republic, but you can leave it as late as 28 days in advance in NI, afaik. It may indicate a rushed marriage.

giggle84 · 27-08-2015 4:43pm

Faith wrote: »

Presumably they're asking because you don't need to give as much notice to get married in NI as you do in the Republic. It's 3 months in the Republic, but you can leave it as late as 28 days in advance in NI, afaik. It may indicate a rushed marriage.

Exactly. I'm wondering whose idea it was to get married up North and what the logic behind it was.

Plus to become an Irish citizen he would have to be married to and living with the OP for 3 years. If he then wanted to divorce her he would have to wait 4 years if they married here, up north it's only 2 years.

Dial Hard · 27-08-2015 4:49pm

Faith wrote: »

Presumably they're asking because you don't need to give as much notice to get married in NI as you do in the Republic. It's 3 months in the Republic, but you can leave it as late as 28 days in advance in NI, afaik. It may indicate a rushed marriage.

It's two months' notice for non-resident couples. But I think we're all pretty much agreed that it was rushed either way.

ivytwine · 27-08-2015 6:12pm

And now he doesn't just have a right to work in the Republic. He has the right to work in the UK... A much bigger area and a huge urbanised population at that. So what's to say he hasn't taken his wages, the money the OP gave him for flights, and gone to London/Manchester etc to set up shop.

Op please mind yourself. I think you need someone to talk to offline, be it a solicitor or a trusted family member. There's no shame in what's happened here. You have a good heart. X

husband going home for six weeks

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