babysitting hell - advice

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 2:06pm #1

I've been the past four years babysitting at weekends for a neighbour who i thought was nice person until recently. When i first started it was only an odd sat night. As far as i know granny would come every other weekend so this lady and her husband always went out. I don't know what happened but granny isn't visiting anymore since last summer. They must have had a falling out because this lady speaks badly about the granny even in front of the child.

Last summer my neighbour booked me permantly for sat nights. This was something wasn't ever happy about but i went ahead and did it anyways. The whole situation is getting out of hand now. If i want a night off to go out or if i'm too tired after a busy week working she sends me on a proper guilt trip. If theres a night that i can't babysit due to illness or whatever reason again she sends me on another guilt trip. Recently since xmas herself and her husband has been coming home late - it could be 3 or afterwards. This is something i did speak up about but they didn't listen to me. They are still coming back late. Last weekend was by fare the worst. She had the nerve to try and book me permantly for fri nights too. I told her that i couldn't because of work. And she sent me on a guilt trip saying that her daughter really loves me, she doesn't settle with anyone else and she doesn't have any one else for babysitting. She was trying to get to babysit for fri nights and i really can't i and told her.

This lady has no consideration for anyone else. I'm not happy with the whole situation, but i don't know what to do. I wouldn't mind babysitting occasionly but not every saturday night. I don't know how to say it to her. Shes one of these people who chooses not to understand no matter what. I'll give you an example we've another neighbour who she doesn't like who recently had a new baby. The baby is very sick and she just doesn't care. I don't know what to do. I don't want to fall out with her because we're neighbours but i don't want to continue with the way things are. (by the way she has no major plans for her sat nights - just the local pub - so it is ridilicous how she has me booked permantly).

echosound · 13-02-2008 2:30pm

Just tell her that you are not available every saturday (and friday!!!) night to babysit, that you have a life of your own too. If she doesn't like it, well TBH that's tough. You're the one doing them a favour, and as you say you work all week too, it doesn't sound like you're relying on the money, IYKWIM. That's assuming you get paid and it's not just a very big favour on your part every week?

About the returning late thing - I'd tell them in no uncertain terms that if you do babysit, you will only continue to do so if they are home at an agreed time. What age are you if you don't mind me asking?

Don't let her guilt trip you into babysitting when you feel you are not able to due to being tired or wanting a night out for yourself - you're not the one who brought a child into the world, they are, it's up to them to make arrangements if they want to go out, and if no-one is available, well then it's tough, that's the joys of parenthood. Stay in and skip the pub.

Honestly - just tell her straight out that you won't be available every single weekend night, and don't let her cow you into backing down. It's your time, you choose to do with it what you want.

JuliusCaesar · 13-02-2008 2:32pm

This woman is the 'give her an inch, she'll take a yard' bully. Stand up for yourself, outline your limitations, and stick to them. Don't let her guilt-trip you - it's justa nother way of getting her own way at your expense (= bullying, imho). Most of us who need babysitters understand that they have a life!

Meathlass · 13-02-2008 2:32pm

You should treat this like a proper job. ie. they have to be home at a certain time or else you charge extra. You need one weekend a month off and if you don't want to work friday nights then don't work them, don't even babysit on one friday night. Don't give into the guilt trips either. Do you need the money? Could you just give it up completely? What age are you? No one wants to spend their early 20's in at the weekend babysitting!

Shelli · 13-02-2008 2:33pm

Not sure how old you are, but could your parents have a word with her?

Sherifu · 13-02-2008 2:34pm

Tell her no. Be polite but firm. You can't let her walk all over you.

madds · 13-02-2008 2:35pm

I would finish up completely with this couple. There are plenty of babysitting jobs out there if you require the extra cash. You're being bullied here. In a few years time you will look back on this and say "why didn't I put that old cow in her place?"

Cathmandooo · 13-02-2008 2:35pm

Do you badly need the money? I'd cut her off completely if she's guilt tripping you like that. It's not fair, you have a life to lead too and already have a job. Even if you love seeing the kid and have a special bond I'd still tell her you're not available any more. She should be keeping up with her own responcibilities and not constantly going down to the pub every friday and saturday night. You quitting might encourage her.

If you want to maybe you could bring the kid out sometimes in the afternoon on the weekend for a treat.

Beruthiel · 13-02-2008 2:36pm

I don't even know what you're bothering to ask. Me, I'd tell her I'm no longer babysitting for her, I'm permanently busy from now on.

moco · 13-02-2008 2:36pm

Just say no! Don't let the fact you think she's a bitch make you more likely to keep her happy, it should be the opposite!

How she expects to be able to block book a young girl for every Saturday is beyond me, does she think you don't need a life?! She's just a selfish bully, stand up for yourself.

biko · 13-02-2008 2:36pm

You need to toughen up. People will push you as far as you will let them and you need to take a stand now. Know your limits.

Maybe start by only sitting every second Saturday from now on. Just tell them you don't have time any more. Do not explain why. If you do explain why you will find yourself at a disadvantage as your neighbour will then trivialise whatever else you had planned. Hence, no explaining why.

Your neighbour probably is used to pushing people around and appealing to them but you need to start standing up for yourself. You need time off too.

The Hill Billy · 13-02-2008 2:37pm

OP - This woman is taking the utter píss out of your good nature. She has absolutely no right to demand that you be at her beck & call for even one Saturday night, never mind every Saturday night.

You don't say whether you need the money, so maybe that is a factor in why you continue to babysit for her(?).

Even so, you need to stand up for yourself. Babysit on your terms - not hers. E.g. "I will not babysit beyond midnight" - If they do come home late tell her that she needs to get a new sitter. "I am only available on alternate Saturdays" - If this doesn't suit her let her get someone else.

You need a life too. Do not put up with this crâp any longer.

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 2:39pm

Why do ye bother????????????????

tk123 · 13-02-2008 2:40pm

At the end of the day they are her kids and she's going out on the pi$$ here - it's not like she's going to work and you're the childminder or something Yoiu have no responsibility here to this woman or her kids - you have a life too. Also you don't mention if you're getting paid - please tell me you are getting paid and not being taken advanatge of!! You need to put her straight - you are offering the service here - if she doesn't like the terms and conditions let her find someone else. TBH if she's like you describe I'd be glad if she fell out with me and didn't bother me for a while

Mr. Incognito · 13-02-2008 2:41pm

Just say no- sheesh.

seamus · 13-02-2008 2:52pm

Ah, the curse of the Irish countrywoman. "Ah go on, ye will", "Ah shure it'll be grand, go on", "But we'll all miss ye. You will won't ye, ah go on".

Mrs. Doyle wasn't an exaggerated stereotype.

The one trick here is to keep repeating yourself when you say no. Don't give in, just keep saying no. You'll think you sound stupid, but she'll give in first. If you keep giving in, she knows that she can keep pestering you because you don't really mean it when you say "No", you're just being polite or difficult. If you're on the phone, it's great because you can make excuses like, "Oh, my waffles are burning, sorry I have to go, see ya".

If you actually want to keep babysitting for her, the first thing you do is you set out an expectation. You tell her that you're no longer able to guarantee her every Saturday. You don't have to tell her why, but if she asks, it's because you work on Friday nights and want to use your Saturday for going out with your friends. Tell her that because of this, you need to know at least a day beforehand if she needs a babysitter.

This means that she has to ring you and ask you every single time - your presence isn't assumed. This gives you the upper hand in whatever she has to say. Be firm on it. If she doesn't ring you one week, just don't turn up. She'll ring to see where you are, "But you never rang me, so I didn't think you needed me to turn up". If you can, be somewhere that's nowhere near her house, like the cinema. So she can't even convince you to come over, she'll be stuck and she'll have learned her lesson.

She is taking you for granted, whether or not you're getting paid.

Radharc na Sleibhte · 13-02-2008 2:55pm

milky.coffee wrote: »

This was something wasn't ever happy about but i went ahead and did it anyways.

From day one you've been roped into it.
Tell her you've got a job in a pub or something.

humanji · 13-02-2008 3:11pm

As everyone says just say no. If she has the balls to ruin your weekends for her personal gain then you should have the balls to say no.

Sephiroth_dude · 13-02-2008 3:14pm

Tell her in polite manner to **** off!

blah · 13-02-2008 3:37pm

Stand up for yourself and tell her you won't be available in future. Stop giving in to the guilt trip.

And then find something fun to do with your Saturday nights, enjoy yourself.

Burnt Toast · 13-02-2008 3:41pm

I remember when i was younger, girls i hung around with were always in the same situation. When they'd try and get out of a night, they'd always get guilt tripped.

You need to stand up for yourself, say no and mean it. Don't get into making excuses why, just tell them you're busy and you aren't available, regardless of the circumstances.

You have a life too, they have to accept that.

majiktripp · 13-02-2008 3:49pm

Next time she tries that guilt trip sh!t just reminder her who's child it is and who her who the childs fu*kin mother is and to ante up and take some responsibilty for the welfare and minding of her own child. Your entitled to a life yourself you know, like other posters here suggest, I'd cut her off completely until she learns to appreciate the saturdays you have done for her first.

ferdi · 13-02-2008 3:53pm

i would quit instantly. she sounds like a total bint, there is plenty of other jobs you could do.

tbh · 13-02-2008 4:24pm

you've fallen into the trap of still playing by the "rules" when this woman has blatantly shown that she doesn't even know what the rules are. We all do things we don't want to do because it makes for an easy life. We go to weddings with our OH that we don't really want to go to, we give lifts to people when it's out of our way, we get engaged.....just joking about the last one. But the reason we do these things when we don't want to is because we know that one day, we may need a favour from someone that may not want to really do it. It's called give and take. I go to some strangers wedding with my missus, she lets me play xbox on valentines nights. My point is, what do you owe this woman? If it were not for you, she wouldn't be going out - yeah right, she'd just get someone else. So, the next time she asks, you owe it to yourself to say no. What she's doing is bullying you, so she doesn't deserve for you to put yourself out. Remember: you don't have to explain. When she asks, you say "sorry, I only get two nights off a week, and I'm already doing you a favour on one of them". If she doesn't like it, whats the worst she can do? fire you?

Gumbyman · 13-02-2008 4:52pm

Say you've been offered a job working nights somewhere and that if they want to keep you they'll have to double or triple your rate. And that's just for Saturdays. Fridays are your night off. What age are you? Tell them your exams are coming up. Best thing of all to say is simply "no". Not your responsibility.

LegacyUser · 13-02-2008 9:47pm

I'm 25 and I work part time as a childcare worker caring for a child with a disability (which i absolutely love doing). Due to start full time soon within the next few weeks.

this whole situation is bothering me because i'm not even going to have the time to even wash myself not to mention babysitting sat night. I'm going to have to say no then. Shes not going to understand and I don't want to fall out with her. I'm thinking about using this working full time as an excuse for not being able to babysit every sat night. I need the money sometimes and other times i don't. Shes horrible.

Electric · 13-02-2008 10:14pm

Back in my babysitting days I used to babysit for someone just like you've described.

She always made me feel so bad whenever I said no - like I was depriving them of something or being really unreasonable. Anyway as time went on they started coming home later and later and they would pay me less and less. It started at £20 (that shows you how long ago it was) then it went down to £15, £10 and then they started saying I'll get you next time.

Course I was too soft to say anything. Anyways one night they didn't come home till 7am! So when I got home my Mam was waiting up for me and she went mental! She didn't believe that I had been babysitting she thought I had snuck out to meet my boyfriend!

So I got in deep deep sh*t and it was only when my Mam was talking yer one that she realised I was telling the truth.

After that I never babysat again. At first I used to give excuses but then she called me on it one day so I told her that she had gotten me into so much trouble that I wouldn't even consider doing it again.

You mentioned in your post that the granny doesn't babysit anymore. That's probably cos she was sick of being taken advantage of! And the reason she b*tchs about her is that she now has to fork out for you whereas granny was probably doing it for free!

If you don't need the money then tell her you can't do it anymore. If you need an excuse say that your job has become more demanding and that you really want to make the most of your free time.

You are hardly going to look back in a couple of years and wish you had given up more of your free time to this wagon

,mnb · 13-02-2008 10:31pm

madds wrote: »

I would finish up completely with this couple. There are plenty of babysitting jobs out there if you require the extra cash. You're being bullied here. In a few years time you will look back on this and say "why didn't I put that old cow in her place?"

+1 ..stop babysitting for them

Mrs OBumble · 13-02-2008 11:02pm

milk.coffee wrote: »

I'm 25 and I work part time as a childcare worker caring for a child with a disability (which i absolutely love doing). Due to start full time soon within the next few weeks.

Does your childcare employer have any rules about how much secondary employment you're allowed to take on? They should do, because they need to be aware of how much work-related stress you're subject to (now that stress is a health and safety issue and all). Perhaps you could say "I'd love to baby-sit, but my boss won't allow me to work with children outside work hours"?

(Even if they don't have a rule like that .. perhaps she could come to believe that they do, if you get my drift ...)

Seems to me that it comes down to how important the relationship with your neighbour is. If you're living in a city, then saying no will be a lot easier than the country.

Perhaps you could help her find some other solutions: can you recommend anyone else in the neighbourhood who could baby-sit? Are there baby-sitting clubs around, or even businesses? Think outside the box here ... there IS an alternative solution.

If you need to really play hard-ball: if she doesn't come home by the agreed time, say that you'll call social services because she's abandoned the children. (And effectively she has: she organised a sitter until mid-night, that time is gone, and potentially so have you ...). Yes, this could be hard to pull off ... but thinking about it might make saying "no" seem easier

One more thing: where is the child's father? He's as responsible for the childcare as the mother is. Not much help if he's at the pub with the woman, I know ... but are you sure this is how the relationships work. See if you can appeal to him in some way to take some responsibility.

spinandscribble · 13-02-2008 11:49pm

ring her next chance you get and tell her you will no longer be working for her as you'll have a full time job. if she says boo and i mean BOO to you just tell her shes being unreasonable to expect you to choose to be her babysitter instead of a job you're trained and want to do. then just get off the phone, dont enter into any further conversion.

Talliesin · 13-02-2008 11:57pm

milky.coffee wrote: »

I don't know how to say it to her.

Work your way through this list until it works:

No, thanks.
No, I'm really grand for babysitting gigs right now.
Sorry, I can't.
I said no.
**** off.
Go **** yourself with with a cactus.
If you contact me again I will contact the gardai.

You probably won't have to go that far through it.

babysitting hell - advice

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