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unplanned pregnancy

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    #32
    JaCrispy
    Registered Users Posts: 627 ✭✭✭JaCrispy


    If he didnt want more kids why didnt he get a vasectomy?


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    #33
    Dolbert
    Closed Accounts Posts: 6,154 ✭✭✭Dolbert


    I'd be telling him that I'd be having the baby with or without him, but that's just me. He's so concerned for your health, but he won't let you see a doctor in case you get any ideas? What a s***.


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    #34
    ShaShaBear
    Registered Users Posts: 5,528 ✭✭✭ShaShaBear


    unplanned pregnancy wrote: »
    No my husband does not want me to make an appointment with doctor or hospital as he feelss then we will end up on the system and i will end up going through with pregnancy.

    It's a bloody baby you're having, this isn't a trip to a pound full of puppies he's trying to stop you from going to!!!! :mad:


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    #35
    javagal
    Registered Users Posts: 2,236 ✭✭✭javagal


    If this was my husband, we'd be on serious leaving ground.
    You very much sound like you want the baby, an abortion doesn't sound like anything you're on-board with.
    Op, be honest with yourself, would you be able To live with your husband knowing he forced you to terminate a baby you wanted?

    The weight sounds like a massive cop out, as other posters stated, you can always keep up with slimming world during pregnancy and find you'll lose weight or if not, lose if after, like all other women do. I'm 20 weeks pregnant and up 10 pounds and I don't care, I'm in love with my little man(who was also unplanned)

    My mother is very overweight, like 19+ stone and had 4 healthy pregnancies. I was perfect weight on my daughter and ended up in icu needing blood transfusions, so while weight does factor, it doesn't immediately mean you'll have a risky pregnancy.

    So you need to think yourself. If you go for an abortion, will you be able to fly home the day after and move on with your life, glad you saved the feelings of this man who you more than likely will grow to resent.
    Of course, if you want the abortion, Go for it but you sound like your clinging on to hope thinking as the longer time goes on, he'll come around.


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    #36
    PucaMama
    Registered Users Posts: 3,129 ✭✭✭PucaMama


    This is an issue with your husband. Not the baby. So who should suffer for it? Obviously not the baby. I'd kick him out if it was me.


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    #37
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    It's not just my decision though, if I do go ahead and have this baby, what if I die? and my husband and children are left behind? I was very sick after last birth. Although the specialist did say I could go again but would be carefully monitored.

    Originally my husband and I were planning two children but because I was so sick after pregnancy we both changed our minds. Although now that I am pregnant again, obv have an attachment to this baby.

    We did have a session with therapist and my husband said he wouldn't leave me if I went ahead but he really doesn't want another baby. I love my husband and have to take his wishes on board for our family. He is a really great father to our child we already have. Obv I'm very torn as I'm the one pregnant and full of emotions etc. We did see a doctor for a scan privately and are going back in two weeks to see to see more as it was very early. The reason we don't want to notify our local doctor and the hospital as if we do go ahead with an abortion it would be complicated trying to explain why we aren't pregnant anymore.

    My husband is trying to leave it with me for a few weeks, as we don't get scanned again until almost two weeks.

    I feel that every week that goes by I am thinking more about having the baby. Although it's still so early.
    I am aware that my husband isn't excited and doesn't want it.

    It's strange for me because we were both so excited on our first and would never even discussed abortion. This pregnancy doesn't feel like a happy one and my heart is heavy.

    My husband has been checking up clinics for abortions with my consent as we have to make appointments in advance.

    I'm aware that I could still miscarry as it's early days, and i'm under stress and I feel sad about that too.


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    #38
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,865 ✭✭✭✭January


    Ok guys, lets try stick to constructive advice and not get too emotive, telling the OP to kick her husband out isn't going to help her here.


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    #39
    December2012
    Registered Users Posts: 4,695 ✭✭✭December2012


    Have you seen an obgyn yet? What are your chances of pre eclampsia, or death, as it is a real fear of yours.


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    #40
    Rachiee
    Registered Users Posts: 880 ✭✭✭Rachiee


    Have you been able to truthfully tell your husband that you want the baby? you are considering his feelings, but is he considering yours? Is he fully aware of your feelings?
    It's such a difficult situation I think you're right you need to make the decision together and that means being aware of all the possible consequences of the decision. If he doesn't know how much you want the baby he won't know what kind of sacrifice he's asking you to make in asking you to go ahead with the abortion.


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    #41
    screamer
    Registered Users Posts: 6,131 ✭✭✭screamer


    I think it's very tough for you to make the right decision as there are 2 of you seemingly wanting different things. you said you would love another baby if you had lost weight, as someone who has been through the mill to get pregant a 2nd time all I can say is never take your fertility or ability to get pregnant for granted. Good luck with the decision it's a tough one, either way.


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    #42
    ChewChew
    Moderators Posts: 24,367 ✭✭✭✭ChewChew


    Op you're situation is heartbreaking and so terrifying at the same time. I also had a difficult pregnancy and exceptionally scary delivery of my baby so I understand your fears as they are definitely my own as well. I feel sorry for your husband also because I know how my partner felt at the time for mine and the baby's safety. I personally don't think your husband is a bad man because I don't know him and can't judge him on this one thing. I might not agree with his reaction, but only you know if this is/is not typical behaviour of him.

    What I would say is be brutally honest with him. While pregnancy and delivery scares you that you have made a connection to this baby now. Why don't you both go for an honest appointment with your GP? Regardless of what you decide your GP won't breech your confidentiality but you need to both go and make a joint decision. Best of luck op, I hope it all works out whatever your final decision is.


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    #43
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    Everything in your posts OP says you want this baby. If you are going to have an abortion because it's what your husband wants then I think you're making a mistake. No woman should have an abortion unless she's completely sure it's the right decision for her. By all means look at everything and everyone else's perspective but ultimately you will be the one who has to have it and its you who will bear the biggest emotional impact. I think you should get medical advice to make sure you are okay and to assess your risk if you have the baby. I also think you should see a crisis pregnancy counsellor on your own to work through your feelings.


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    #44
    Diamond Doll
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,344 ✭✭✭Diamond Doll


    I am very much pro-choice, but it has to be the mother's choice. Of course you should take your husband's views into account, but at the end of the day it's your body and your choice. And from everything you've said so far, it sounds like you're very aware of all the potential problems and issues - but that you still want to have this baby.

    Your husband isn't coming across very well here, but in a way I can see where he's coming from. He's being very logical and pragmatic. As a couple, you didn't plan this baby, you didn't want this baby. He has very rational concerns about your health, and he's prioritising you over a potential baby he never even wanted. There are of course financial and lifestyle concerns too. I can see how, to him, the best option in your circumstances is to have an abortion, and he probably thinks he's being quite kind in giving you plenty of time to get your head around the idea of an abortion.

    The problem is that he doesn't understand what it's like to feel a baby growing inside you, to feel how your body is changing and developing to accommodate the pregnancy, even in the early weeks. And especially when you've gone through it once before, with the outcome being a healthy baby.

    Of course you're feeling very conflicted and anxious, and even if you make the final decision to continue with the pregnancy, those feelings probably won't go away anytime soon. You need to look into whatever supports you can to help you through the pregnancy (if you choose to continue with it), e.g. your GP, the mental health services in your maternity hospital, relationship counselling.

    First step is to go to your GP, though, ideally alone. Explain everything to them. Don't worry about being "on the system" - IF it were a case that you did decide to get an abortion, it would be easily explained as a miscarriage, if you wanted to (hopefully it won't come to that though.)

    I really don't think your husband is being intentionally cruel or heartless. Just that he genuinely sees this pregnancy as an inconvenience, that can relatively easily be solved, whereas you see it as potentially becoming a much-loved baby. This doesn't mean that he won't be supportive as your pregnancy continues, or that he won't love and cherish the new baby when it arrives. I do think relationship counselling would be very helpful though, to avoid any resentment further down the line.

    Best of luck whatever you decide ... but do make sure it's YOUR decision.


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    #45
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op - the thing is - the health problems can be managed. The weight, the pre-eclampsia, all of that - it's a risk, but it's manageable. You will be monitored every step of the way.

    The situation with your husband is a whole other thing. You do need to talk to someone about it. Having been through the early stages of pregnancy no. 2 myself lately, emotional rollercoaster doesn't begin to describe it. It's hard to try and make a decision at that time, never mind about something so emotive.

    For the record I don't know how I feel about abortion - I think it's certainly needed in some cases but in situations like this, I really don't know. I do feel people underestimate and understate what the aftermath is like emotionally. But I only base that the fact that I never knew what it was like to have a child until I actually had one, and that having one has changed my view of a lot of things. I'm not entirely sure that many of the arguments around abortion come from people who have had kids or know what it's like to have kids (and I'm not referring to people who had pregnancies with severe abnormalities etc here). I often wonder that if they knew at the time what it was like to have a child, would they have made the same decision, and would they be so passionate to argue in favour of abortion now - and to state that everything was fine for them afterwards. I honestly have trouble with truly believing that.

    I understand your husband is being logical - but ...... it is your decision. It's you that will have to live through it and experience it and deal with the emotions of it. He'll be there....but it's you that will physically feel it...

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that it IS your choice, and that from what you're saying,I think you would prefer to keep the baby.And based on that, it's you that needs to make the choice. I do think a session with a crisis counsellor would be useful - if you could avoid one that has a religious affiliation do, because they will most likely not be in favour of an abortion in any way. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.


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