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Planning to end my marriage this week

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  • 14-07-2014 4:28pm
    #1
    gadgetbloke
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭


    hi all.

    as the heading goes that my plan before the week is out. I have been married for less than 10 years . For the last number of years things have been ****. I have had a number of job changes due to the economic down turn while my wife works for her self has been in he same consistent role since before we married. Lack of Finances are central to my decision.
    With all the arguing and mental abuse I can no longer stay here. I cannot grow and develop a better life for myself and the kids in this environment.

    It has been a rocky road for the most of it . We have not shared the same bed for over a year and a half now. I can be honest and say I checked out a long time ago. We attend accord on and off through the marriage but it was only putting a plaster over the wound.

    I have always worked but my change of job positions has seen a reduction in my weekly income compared to to pre 2008. I have been unable to secure a better paid position. I am in my current position just over 3 years know but every week has been a week of stress and arguments over money and LIFESTYLE.

    In the last year the argument and disrespect for each other has just nosedived. With my wife calling me a p**** and a b******D in front of our children and i arguing back telling her to piss off and calling her a bitter b**** and occasionally under my breath calling her a c*$T.

    Am i ashamed of this yes behaviour. YES.Why did i do cause i was so dam angry with her and myself for ending up in this situation. The children are suffering from this, that is why I have decided in my head to end it. I have prepared my mind for this. There has never been any physical abuse its all mental. The guards have never visited my home or she has never had cause to cause them.

    I am 40 now I have tried to make it work. But I ave failed/. I have many faults and bad habits but none of them include gambling, drugs , smoking being an adulterer etc. Im just an ordinary bloke trying to get by with the life ive been given,

    I lost all my friends and connections due to the marriage. I became isolated and in some ways dependent of the situation .

    I am not on the mortgage of the house. That was her decision. She wanted me to pay the bills and utilities and shopping so basically all of my weekly money went into the family and home. I was left with nothing for myself.

    I do not know what she earns as she has kept that private.I don't really care anymore but I need to leave for my own sanity and that of my childrens. If I am not there There can be no arguments and there will be peace for the children. I know its going to be so hard. Our marriage has never been of equal footing as she has always earned more than I and over the years she has used that fact to ridicule and be little me at every turn.

    She cannot be argued with and takes no for an answer. Shes a dictator always has to get her own way. She also has bullying tendencies which hav led to break downs of relationships with her own siblings. One saying to me in the past I DONT KNOW HOW YOU STICK HER. THE WAY SHE SPEAKS TO YOU . SHE HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU, I thought long and hard about this in the decision making process.

    The last 2 years have seen austerity squeeze and squeeze me to the state were my car is off the road due to no tax n insurance and nct because i havent enough money. GETTING A BETTER PAID OB IS EASIER SAID THAT DONE. . This to has been USED AS a weapon which she has used to beat me with mentally. She has a better head than me for financial dealings and I know she is going to come at me with the legal brigade.

    I have no money to employ the legal brigade and I cant afford to put my car on the road.

    My question is? what do i do to prepare for leaving. and how to i tell my kids. They both love me and adore me and I LOVE them.

    Shes been taLking of getting her solicitor to draw up some legal agreement but i am against signing anything. The are a few bills a bit behind at The moment but I have been doing my best to stay on top of these but its been stressful. We are not talking thousands either.

    Need some opinions from members.

    GB no not garth brooks ...( GADGET BLOKE)

    she has been asking me to leave for some time but i have been trying to hang in there for my kids and as I had no where to go. I have recently made temporary arrangements to stay somewhere else till i get back in my feet.


Comments

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    #2
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    Before you do anything - including telling her or anyone else - go and meeting a good solicitor.
    If you are not properly prepared legally you will really suffer in the longer term.

    Do your homework now - don't let it slip but get that advice pronto!


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    #3
    kitchenkid
    Registered Users Posts: 78 ✭✭kitchenkid


    Like the other posters, I suggest you see a solicitor who will advise you or negotiate for you. Ideally, you want her earnings and your income to stretch to cover the four of you in two dwellings. This is the ideal outcome; getting there may involve a lot of coming to terms with the financial constraints, for example, the house may have to be sold.............

    Will you care for the children half-time? Can you make arrangements to do this? The children need a father and mother if it is possible to have both.

    Can you upskill to find work/better work? There seems to be a small upturn in the economy - be prepared to take advantage of any opportunities.

    Can you apply immediately to the local authority for housing if you cannot afford to rent a suitable place?

    Dont dwell on the past and what happened or who said what.........you tried, you failed, like many others. Life goes on.

    best of luck


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    #4
    smcgiff
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,943 ✭✭✭smcgiff


    Sorry to hear this. Firstly, it doesn't sound like there's a marriage at present (apart from in name only).

    Tough it out for now, don't leave the family home until you seek advice from a solicitor.


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    #5
    TimeToShine
    Registered Users Posts: 4,881 ✭✭✭TimeToShine


    Solicitor. A good one.

    Just because her name is on the mortgage doesn't mean you'll get nothing out of it. Just as if the roles were reversed she would be entitled to a significant amount of your earnings/assets so too does this apply in your case depending on the custody arrangement. Sign nothing until you've spoken to a solicitor.


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    #6
    gadgetbloke
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭gadgetbloke


    thank you for those comments

    GB


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    #7
    Recondite49
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,004 ✭✭✭Recondite49


    gadgetbloke wrote: »
    thank you for those comments

    GB

    Hope things work out for you buddy. Better times are ahead.


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    #8
    mikehn
    Registered Users Posts: 615 ✭✭✭mikehn


    Would totally endorse the above advice, you need good legal advice. You do have an entitlement to a share in the family home even though you are not on the mortgage, you have just made your contribution by a different route i.e. paying bills. You need to be hard nosed about this and take the legal advice you are given, it will be difficult in the short term, no doubt you will be blackmailed by threats of with holding of contact with the kids but understand that you need to have these arrangements cast in stone and you will benefit by having a legal agreement in place. See a solicitor, ask around for one experienced in family law, concentrate on the kids and try and avoid/put her out of your mind. Its a s****y situation but for the sake of your future relations with the kids you need to go about this the right way.


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    #9
    irish gent
    Registered Users Posts: 240 ✭✭irish gent


    Hi I'm very sorry for whats going on with you, and your family. I can fully understand what you are going trough . I suggest you see a solicitor. citizens information have solicitors calling in there once week and you can get free legal advice. That is your home and you own half ! that bully has no rights to push you out of it. I think you should not move out until you find out what you are entitled to. I was in the same boat as yourself and my God the help I got from people from Boards was fantastic .You can also ring alone for men they are great ..depending on your salary you might be able to get free legal aid . My advise to you is say nothing to her about ending the marriage yet until you have yourself in order . to rent is very expensive . How old are your kids now ? I went to mediation and sorted out my problems .


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    #10
    gadgetbloke
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭gadgetbloke


    TimeToShine wrote: »
    Solicitor. A good one.

    Just because her name is on the mortgage doesn't mean you'll get nothing out of it. Just as if the roles were reversed she would be entitled to a significant amount of your earnings/assets so too does this apply in your case depending on the custody arrangement. Sign nothing until you've spoken to a solicitor.

    I don't want any claim to the property it's my kids home. I just need some info regarding what a solicitor is likely to ask me about ?


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    #11
    gadgetbloke
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭gadgetbloke


    The children are 9 n 4 both loveable little things. Girls. I don't want or wish any claim on the house way so ever. I just was a clean break. I have no intentions of going down that road it's my kids home.

    I get 400 odd euros a week at the mom. I am at a standstill at the moment in terms of being on the mindset of changing jobs I'm trying to gage what she may be advised to do by her solicitor giving I'm not on the mortgage and and minor joint commitments we may have had Ada married couple n also regarding utilitie bills etc. should I try get my name of any that my name is on ?


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    #12
    Taltos
    Registered Users Posts: 20,830 ✭✭✭✭Taltos


    OP - realistically - a solicitor needs to answer those questions.

    Pushing anything like that now may just tip her hand, and damage your case. So talk to a solicitor to see if its even needed. In terms of a clean break you need to take a step back here and accept that with children this probably isn't going to be possible. She could turn out to be super reasonable but I think mentally and emotionally you need to prepare for the worst - if it doesn't happen great but right now your number one priority is to get the legal advice you sorely need.


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    #13
    gadgetbloke
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9 ✭gadgetbloke


    thanks taltos


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    #14
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    gadgetbloke wrote: »
    The children are 9 n 4 both loveable little things. Girls. I don't want or wish any claim on the house way so ever. I just was a clean break. I have no intentions of going down that road it's my kids home.

    I get 400 odd euros a week at the mom. I am at a standstill at the moment in terms of being on the mindset of changing jobs I'm trying to gage what she may be advised to do by her solicitor giving I'm not on the mortgage and and minor joint commitments we may have had Ada married couple n also regarding utilitie bills etc. should I try get my name of any that my name is on ?

    If by clean break you mean you don't pay any child maintainance that's simply not fair or morally right imho . Your wife will be looking after the girls most of the week in the family home and even those on SW should pay something - even a nominal amount .


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    #15
    TimeToShine
    Registered Users Posts: 4,881 ✭✭✭TimeToShine


    It depends on the custody arrangements - considering that he said she makes more money than him then it's fair to assume she is relatively career oriented so he might look after the kids for longer than we'd think.


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    #16
    newbie13
    Registered Users Posts: 156 ✭✭newbie13


    gadgetbloke wrote: »

    She wanted me to pay the bills and utilities and shopping so basically all of my weekly money went into the family and home. I was left with nothing for myself.

    I do not know what she earns as she has kept that private.I don't really care anymore

    Your marriage has come to end already in this point, How come a wife wouldn't tell about her money to her husband? If there are still secrets between I & my wife then we are not married anymore.


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    #17
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    TimeToShine wrote: »
    It depends on the custody arrangements - considering that he said she makes more money than him then it's fair to assume she is relatively career oriented so he might look after the kids for longer than we'd think.

    Judges tend to be of the belief (rightly imho) that a child particularly during school term should spend about 5 nights of the week in one bed. Study after study has found that 50/50 arrangments while theoretically balanced are not what kids want and lead to hassle .


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    #18
    diveout
    Closed Accounts Posts: 746 ✭✭✭diveout


    desbrook wrote: »
    Judges tend to be of the belief (rightly imho) that a child particularly during school term should spend about 5 nights of the week in one bed. Study after study has found that 50/50 arrangments while theoretically balanced are not what kids want and lead to hassle .

    You also need to have an extremely respectful co parenting relationship and very fluid communications to make it anywhere possible to functioning without doing damage to the kids.


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    #19
    mikehn
    Registered Users Posts: 615 ✭✭✭mikehn


    gadgetbloke wrote: »
    I don't want any claim to the property it's my kids home. I just need some info regarding what a solicitor is likely to ask me about ?
    Want does not come into this. You already have an interest in the family home under Irish law, looking forward to when custody / visitation rights are decided it could be of some benefit to you if she messes you around about spending time that you have been awarded with the kids. You should not make any statements at home about what you want or dont want and speak to a family law solicitor asap. If I was in your position I would not trust my judgement about whats best long term. You seem to have spent a long time under severe stress, that will colour your thinking about some matters. Solicitor ASAP.


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    #20
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    mikehn wrote: »
    Want does not come into this. You already have an interest in the family home under Irish law, looking forward to when custody / visitation rights are decided it could be of some benefit to you if she messes you around about spending time that you have been awarded with the kids. You should not make any statements at home about what you want or dont want and, speak to a family law solicitor asap. If I was in your position I would not trust my judgement about whats best long term. You seem to have spent a long time under severe stress, that will colour your thinking about some matters. Solicitor ASAP.

    Plus one. At the moment you just want out. Only in a few years will you truly want to rebuild your own independent life - maybe with a new partner. Think long term because the decisions you make now have long term consquences.


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    #21
    NSAman
    Registered Users Posts: 3,388 ✭✭✭NSAman


    gadgetbloke wrote: »
    I don't want any claim to the property it's my kids home. I just need some info regarding what a solicitor is likely to ask me about ?

    While I understand completely your thinking on this GB, PLEASE see a solicitor first. I have had friends in the same situation and because they were short of cash didn't do the same and now regret it.

    First step is already done. Your decision mentally.

    You have to look after yourself. As your wife seems to be a clued in individual, you also have to know where you stand and not sign your life away simply because of the children (which you undoubtedly love), you also need a future.

    Whether she likes it or not, you WILL be entitled to interest in the family home (even if it is in her name the same as if it were in your name).

    Take it from me, get chatting to a good solicitor. Not only will they guide you through the mire of seperation, they will also advise you of your rights which most men seem to think are secondary.

    Warning, this can get very nasty. One of my mates was accused of being gay, because he was a friend of mine and stayed for a while with me during the mayhem.


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    #22
    Munstermad
    Registered Users Posts: 490 ✭✭Munstermad


    Great advice here, all I can add is that it is a very slow process but will be worth it. Be patient. Hopefully ye can keep things fairly amicable for your daughters sakes. T.B.H. Finance and access/custody is usually where things start to get rough so do take the advice and see a good solicitor a.s.a.p. Think of it as the best investment in you and your children's future lives that you will ever make. Mentally where you have been is pure hell, and where you are now is on they way out of it. Best of luck.


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    #23
    Sozsoph1
    Registered Users Posts: 7 ✭Sozsoph1


    Your making the right decision for both you and the children.The good thing is you are married therefore you automatically are entitled to joint custody of the children!


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    #24
    jawacz
    Registered Users Posts: 35 ✭jawacz


    Contact usip.ie


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    #25
    11wingnut
    Registered Users Posts: 471 ✭✭11wingnut


    THE ABOVE IS NOT RIGHT IT IS
    USPI.IE AND I WOULD RECOMMEND THEM.


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    #26
    Silverbling
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 311 ✭✭Silverbling


    sorry to hear about your circumstances it is hard going, fair play to you for putting your kids first, I can tell you from experience what happens when you listen to other people.

    my ex and myself agreed to him signing over the house to me in lieu of maintenance. He then changed his mind and wanted his share of the house, he got 1/3 of the proceeds and I moved 70 miles away with his then 3 year old son to be nearer my family.

    we have a great parenting relationship and a teenage son who is secure and happy, my ex says with hindsight he should never have listened to other people, a house is just a house but having your kids around the corner is worth more than any amount of money.

    keep a cool head, the gloves come off in a separation but if you always think of the kids you can work things out and fight in the background without them knowing. 12 years later we are friends who can communicate better than we ever did when we were married but it took a lot of hard work to get where we are now, the proof is our 15 year old son who we work together to bring up and so far he has not gone off the rails (so far!)

    best of luck with everything, it is not easy


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    #27
    seanaway
    Registered Users Posts: 646 ✭✭✭seanaway


    I agree with everyone here.

    Get advice from a professional.

    Yuo may not want your entitlements but think of your children. They may just need you to have those rights down the line. Imagine your wife decided to remarry. What do your kids get out of that unless you have part of the house to leave them.etc...

    Take care and remember there is no problem-however tough- that does not have a solution.


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    #28
    free-2-air
    Registered Users Posts: 11 ✭free-2-air


    desbrook wrote: »
    Study after study has found that 50/50 arrangments while theoretically balanced are not what kids want and lead to hassle .

    Hi Desbrook......without wanting to take this tread off on a tangent, i just want to offer an alternative opinion to your 'study after study' comment above, which i think may be of use to the OP and other fathers who may be doubting whether they are doing right by their child in pushing for equal or near equal parenting time post separation/ divorce.

    Before saying anything else though, I want to state upfront that this not me saying the negligent or absent fathers should automatically be entitled to 50% (or any %) shared parenting time or that in all cases it is appropriate. What i am saying is that from what i have read the best outcomes for children of separated parents comes where there is 'balanced and meaningful' contact with each parent.

    Many of the studies that i have read (and have i have plowed through all of the main ones going back to Bauserman in 2002) have been based on vanishingly small sample sizes from which general principles and deductions have been made. Then another conflicting report, based on similarly limited evidence is published, and then another. It's little wonder then that judges and lawyers find it hard to form a consensus and to keep abreast of current thinking in this area......however hard, that is the responsibility that they bear and no judge or lawyer in a family case has any excuse for not being up to date on what is in best interest of children whose lives they pronounce on.

    For any father concerned about what the court is going to grant him in relation to his children, i would say first do a bit of navel gazing and ask are you really willing and able to commit to looking after them for 50% of the time and are you credible (based on past actions) saying this in front of a court.

    If you are, then have a look at "Social Science and Parenting Plans for Young Children:
    A Consensus Report published in Feb '14 in the American Psychological Association's journal Psychology, Public Policy and Law. This is a consensus report, and a response to the proliferation of flawed, damaging and negligent reports/studies which have begun to be referenced extensively in family law cases internationally. Standing behind this report are over 110 of the world's foremost experts from the US, UK, Ger, Jap, Aust, Swed, Spain, NZ, Finland etc etc)

    A full copy is available from the link below (not my dropbox account), and there is also a good 3 page conclusions and recommendations section, but the key thing for fathers to take away is that 'balanced and meaningful' contact with each parent is in the child's best interest...they may be more hassle, but they result in better outcomes for kids and that is what matters.

    Don't be cowed by anyone saying that your involvement in your child's life is not in their best interest.

    dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/12119890/Warshak2014.pdf
    Also have a look at WOOZLES: THEIR ROLE IN CUSTODY LAW REFORM, PARENTING PLANS AND FAMILY COURT


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    #29
    jcon1913
    Registered Users Posts: 798 ✭✭✭jcon1913


    gadgetbloke wrote: »
    The children are 9 n 4 both loveable little things. Girls. I don't want or wish any claim on the house way so ever. I just was a clean break. I have no intentions of going down that road it's my kids home.

    I get 400 odd euros a week at the mom. I am at a standstill at the moment in terms of being on the mindset of changing jobs I'm trying to gage what she may be advised to do by her solicitor giving I'm not on the mortgage and and minor joint commitments we may have had Ada married couple n also regarding utilitie bills etc. should I try get my name of any that my name is on ?

    You may not want the house etc now but you are entitled to half so sign nothing and agree to nothing until you have taken legal advice. If you leave without an agreement about every thing - finances access to the kids etc - a judge will later on be reluctant to upset what they will see as the status quo.


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    #30
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    free-2-air wrote: »
    Hi Desbrook......without wanting to take this tread off on a tangent, i just want to offer an alternative opinion to your 'study after study' comment above, which i think may be of use to the OP and other fathers who may be doubting whether they are doing right by their child in pushing for equal or near equal parenting time post separation/ divorce.

    Before saying anything else though, I want to state upfront that this not me saying the negligent or absent fathers should automatically be entitled to 50% (or any %) shared parenting time or that in all cases it is appropriate. What i am saying is that from what i have read the best outcomes for children of separated parents comes where there is 'balanced and meaningful' contact with each parent.

    Many of the studies that i have read (and have i have plowed through all of the main ones going back to Bauserman in 2002) have been based on vanishingly small sample sizes from which general principles and deductions have been made. Then another conflicting report, based on similarly limited evidence is published, and then another. It's little wonder then that judges and lawyers find it hard to form a consensus and to keep abreast of current thinking in this area......however hard, that is the responsibility that they bear and no judge or lawyer in a family case has any excuse for not being up to date on what is in best interest of children whose lives they pronounce on.

    For any father concerned about what the court is going to grant him in relation to his children, i would say first do a bit of navel gazing and ask are you really willing and able to commit to looking after them for 50% of the time and are you credible (based on past actions) saying this in front of a court.

    If you are, then have a look at "Social Science and Parenting Plans for Young Children:
    A Consensus Report published in Feb '14 in the American Psychological Association's journal Psychology, Public Policy and Law. This is a consensus report, and a response to the proliferation of flawed, damaging and negligent reports/studies which have begun to be referenced extensively in family law cases internationally. Standing behind this report are over 110 of the world's foremost experts from the US, UK, Ger, Jap, Aust, Swed, Spain, NZ, Finland etc etc)

    A full copy is available from the link below (not my dropbox account), and there is also a good 3 page conclusions and recommendations section, but the key thing for fathers to take away is that 'balanced and meaningful' contact with each parent is in the child's best interest...they may be more hassle, but they result in better outcomes for kids and that is what matters.

    Don't be cowed by anyone saying that your involvement in your child's life is not in their best interest.

    dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/12119890/Warshak2014.pdf
    Also have a look at WOOZLES: THEIR ROLE IN CUSTODY LAW REFORM, PARENTING PLANS AND FAMILY COURT


    I have no doubt that where both parents are willing to work closely with each other , live close by etc that yes 50/50 is superior to traditional arrangments . The reality is though that with the best will in the world such harmony rarely exists or parents just cant manage it because of economic pressures .

    Economics is a real issue - there are even bigger costs to caring for a child 3+ days a week to the normal 1-2 days . More sets of school uniforms , lunchboxes, runners PE gear - the list is endless . Behing all this is the fact that Ireland is no place for such arrangements . Whether purposely or not 50/50 is severely discriminated against . The single parent tax credit can now only be obtained by one parent . It can be shared - but only at that parent's discretion . Housing policy eg rent allowance again only recognise's one home for the child . Children's allowance is mother first . The list goes on .

    Overall and reluctantly I still say 50/50 isn't good for kids or parents in the main especially in Ireland .


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    #31
    bergkamp77
    Registered Users Posts: 10 ✭bergkamp77


    <mod note

    bergkamp77 - I have given you your own thread here as your post here does little to help advise the OP and I think you would benefit from some advice yourself.

    http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2057276274#

    Thanks
    Taltos>


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