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When is it rape?

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  • 13-04-2015 10:36am
    #1
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭


    I'm not speaking legally here. Not sure how I'm speaking to be honest.
    When is it 'rape' when you comply out of fear etc. but 'comply'.


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    #2
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Goshen wrote: »
    I'm not speaking legally here. Not sure how I'm speaking to be honest.
    When is it 'rape' when you comply out of fear etc. but 'comply'.

    Do you have a specific question? Do you think you might have raped someone?

    Surely the only definition that should matter is the legal one, but personally it is when the person doesn't or can't consent.


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    #3
    Riskymove
    Registered Users Posts: 10,885 ✭✭✭✭Riskymove


    "Rape" is a legal matter and can only really be defined in a legal way

    What I would say generally is that if your consent (to anything) is coerced through force or fear etc. then it isn't really consent.


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    #4
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    [Deleted User] wrote: »
    Do you have a specific question? Do you think you might have raped someone?

    Surely the only definition that should matter is the legal one, but personally it is when the person doesn't or can't consent.

    Lol no. I'm female. Thanks for your help.


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    #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Goshen wrote: »
    Lol no. I'm female. Thanks for your help.

    Are you saying women can't be rapists? Obvious troll is obvious.


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    #6
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    Riskymove wrote: »
    "Rape" is a legal matter and can only really be defined in a legal way

    What I would say generally is that if your consent (to anything) is coerced through force or fear etc. then it isn't really consent.

    This is what I needed to read. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.


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    #7
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    As I said, I will not be pursuing legal action. Pretty difficult to prove anyway. It is basically to try to come to terms with something myself and I need a word to describe it.


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    #8
    tara73
    Registered Users Posts: 2,341 ✭✭✭tara73


    Goshen wrote: »
    I'm not speaking legally here. Not sure how I'm speaking to be honest.
    When is it 'rape' when you comply out of fear etc. but 'comply'.

    do you mean you have sex out of fear for your physical wellbeing and generally don't want to have sex?
    if a person is threatening you with the words if you don't have sex with him he's doing 'xyz' to you, you need to make it clear to the person you are not interacting with him/her anymore.
    but if it's that bad, you fear for your physical health, you need to get away as quickly as possible and also report it to the guards.

    would be good if you could give more infos as it is difficult to figure out what your definite problem is.


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    #9
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    tara73 wrote: »
    do you mean you have sex out of fear for your physical wellbeing and generally don't want to have sex?
    if a person is threatening you with the words if you don't have sex with him he's doing 'xyz' to you, you need to make it clear to the person you are not interacting with him/her anymore.
    but if it's that bad, you fear for your physical health, you need to get away as quickly as possible and also report it to the guards.

    would be good if you could give more infos as it is difficult to figure out what your definite problem is.

    I think I have given adequate detail.


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    #10
    Hannibal Smith
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,893 ✭✭✭Hannibal Smith


    Some one putting you in fear is an assault in its self. 'Consenting' out of fear is not consent.


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    #11
    spurious
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 27,138 CMod ✭✭✭✭spurious


    OP, can you talk to a Rape Crisis Counsellor?
    The very fact that you are asking here means you are not happy with what happened. Apart entirely from any legal things, you should speak to someone about how you feel about it.


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    #12
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    OP, you should consider contacting your local rape crisis centre.


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    #13
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    Hannibal Smith wrote: »
    Some one putting you in fear is an assault in its self. 'Consenting' out of fear is not consent.

    I pretty much knew that but could not find words to describe what is happening. Cheers


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    #14
    Hannibal Smith
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,893 ✭✭✭Hannibal Smith


    Goshen wrote: »
    I pretty much knew that but could not find words to describe what is happening. Cheers

    Can you get out of the situation?


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    #15
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    spurious wrote: »
    OP, can you talk to a Rape Crisis Counsellor?
    The very fact that you are asking here means you are not happy with what happened. Apart entirely from any legal things, you should speak to someone about how you feel about it.

    Will be something I consider at a later date than today. Thanks though, I would not have considered this.


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    #16
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    Hannibal Smith wrote: »
    Can you get out of the situation?

    I can and I can't. Out of the frying pan into the fire...


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    #17
    mapaca
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭mapaca


    Are you safe now? You can phone the rape crisis centre for help or advice on this anytime 1800 77 88 88


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    #18
    beyondbelief67
    Registered Users Posts: 550 ✭✭✭beyondbelief67


    Goshen wrote: »
    Will be something I consider at a later date than today. Thanks though, I would not have considered this.

    Sometimes it can still feel a bit raw emotions wise to talk to the rape crisis centre but if you need advice from them you can email them too if you feel to shook up to talk.
    And I think the advice you get from there will help you in so many ways, and they will also give you advice you might not of thought of too, preserving clothing etc, if your still in fear you could also contact women's aid or women's refuge.
    Most of all stay strong and stay safe.


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    #19
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    mapaca wrote: »
    Are you safe now? You can phone the rape crisis centre for help or advice on this.

    Depends on your definition of safe. Generally, if I have sex with him on demand, I am safe and well looked after. Problems manifest when I don't want sex. So mostly I comply.


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    #20
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    I would like to apologise for suspecting that the OP is a troll and reiterate what everyone else is saying - contact your local rape crisis centre. Sooner rather than later.
    Goshen wrote: »
    Depends on your definition of safe. Generally, if I have sex with him on demand, I am safe and well looked after. Problems manifest when I don't want sex. So mostly I comply.

    Is there anything keeping you in that relationship or anything making you afraid to leave?


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    #21
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    Yes. Money basically.


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    #22
    Hannibal Smith
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,893 ✭✭✭Hannibal Smith


    Goshen wrote: »
    I can and I can't. Out of the frying pan into the fire...

    I get you. I dont know whether youre an adult or not. Either way, you can take steps to get out of the situation safely. You dont deserve this and you dont have to let anyone near you if you dont want them to be. You can take steps to stop it.


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    #23
    beyondbelief67
    Registered Users Posts: 550 ✭✭✭beyondbelief67


    Goshen wrote: »
    Yes. Money basically.

    If you contact women's aid you don't need any money to be safe they will help you with a place to stay, to be safe and with money, please never think you have to stay in a situation like this because of that.


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    #24
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    Goshen wrote: »
    Yes. Money basically.

    I'm not talking about anything more than money to survive. I'm not in Ireland but am Irish. That and the emotional hold he has over me. We have sex. I should be grateful or something. So he thinks


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    #25
    kylith
    Registered Users Posts: 17,736 ✭✭✭✭kylith


    Jesus, get out of there. No amount of money is worth fearing for your safety.


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    #26
    mapaca
    Registered Users Posts: 405 ✭✭mapaca


    Yes, this situation is all wrong. Manipulation and abuse. You do not have to stay with him. You have taken the first step in posting here. Please contact rape crisis help or women's aid where you are. They can give you practical advice and support for the next step, when you're ready.


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    #27
    beyondbelief67
    Registered Users Posts: 550 ✭✭✭beyondbelief67


    No matter where you are in the world there will be either a women's aid centre or women's refuge, both will give you advice and a place of safety, please know your not alone and there are people who can help you and who care.


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    #28
    Goshen
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 117 ✭✭Goshen


    I 'choose' to stay with him apparently so his lawyer has advised him. As I said I just need to get words to describe stuff for myself so I can look at it and figure out what is going on


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    #29
    Tigger99
    Registered Users Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    Goshen the very fact that he got advice from his lawyer doesn't mean you have to stay. You only have his word that he even spoke to him, why would he even speak to a lawyer unless he knew he raped you?

    To even tell you of this conversation is so manipulative and sinister.

    Money can be earned again, please don't worry about leaving a financially secure life (I get the impression that you are worried about how you'll survive financially) you being physically safe is much more important. Do you have family or friends that could help you out with a plane ticket home?


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    #30
    denhaagenite
    Registered Users Posts: 1,169 ✭✭✭denhaagenite


    Goshen wrote: »
    Depends on your definition of safe. Generally, if I have sex with him on demand, I am safe and well looked after. Problems manifest when I don't want sex. So mostly I comply.

    If you comply because you don't want problems to manifest then it is against your will. This is rape.
    Goshen wrote: »
    I 'choose' to stay with him apparently so his lawyer has advised him. As I said I just need to get words to describe stuff for myself so I can look at it and figure out what is going on

    His lawyer does not know whether or not you have a choice in the matter. Be safe Goshen, get out ASAP.


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    #31
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Dont listen to his lawyer. And especially don't listen to what your partner tells you his lawyer said, because its a very good chance that its at best, a stretch of the truth.

    Get your own lawyer. Or, if you cant, contact a women's shelter organisation wherever you are, and they can advise you impartially. They also can counsel for rape.


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