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My boyfriend says I'm unfair for not wanting him to watch porn!!

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Comments

  • #52
    lazygal
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,644 ✭✭✭✭lazygal


    seenitall wrote: »
    I'll make it short and to the point:

    end the relationship now, because whichever way you cut it here, someone is going to end up feeling short-changed at best, or, via the highways and by-ways of resentment, like an evasive siht at worst, so it isn't fair on either of you.

    Aim to find a religious or at least a conservative-leaning guy for yourself in the future, I think there will be more of a compatibility fit for you with one of those (although I may be very naive about that! :D).

    Best wishes.


    I'm not in any way religious and neither is my fiance and because of our problems with the industry porn forms no part of our relationship.

    OP, it would bug me big time if I'd explained my problem to a partner and he took no notice. Maybe he's not as interested in the relationship as he is in porn and you need to cut your losses.


  • #53
    Sleepy
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 24,268 ✭✭✭✭Sleepy


    OP, just a word of warning: take away a man's porn and you force him to move from masturbating over sexually arousing images to masturbating using his imagination.

    His imagination isn't going to just throw up sexual images of you when he's masturbating: it'll be every woman he's ever had a fun time with sexually, acquaintances (maybe even friends of his, or yours) that he finds sexually attractive.

    Generally speaking, to the male mind, porn is just sexually exciting images that help them get off, our imaginations will conjure up the fantasies of other women that you dread so much.


  • #54
    7Sins
    Closed Accounts Posts: 526 ✭✭✭7Sins


    Boyfriend Troubles wrote: »
    I imagine the women are still all required to have fake bodies and the "ending" still takes place on various parts of their bodies.

    These women are gorgeous and I could never look like that - he's basically saying that my body isn't nice enough and these other women really do it for him. Why else does he watch it?
    Alot of the women in porn aren't very good looking at all. He might not even use it as material to satisfy himself over but more as a random source of gratification during his day. I've been working on my laptop tonight for a few hours and I probably glanced at some porn for a few seconds here and there....means nothing but if you looked at my history tonight, you'd be like :O

    I think it's safe to say that if he wasn't satisfied with your body then he wouldn't be with you. As a guy though, I will admit that I would sometimes feel a little insecure compared to a vibrator...but then I just remind myself how awesome I'am in bed and that helps :)


  • #55
    Ickle Magoo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,485 ✭✭✭✭Ickle Magoo


    7sins, this forum is for offering posters civil and constructive advice.

    If you haven’t already, take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

    Many thanks.


  • #56
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Permabear wrote: »
    This post had been deleted.

    What does Jesuitical mean here please? I did look it up but I still don't get it. Sorry

    you are not going to find any man on the face of the earth for whom you can be the sole, solitary, and only source of sexual fantasy.

    I have to thank you for this. I'm actually like that. I can't think of anyone else when I'm in love. Given that I'll never meet anyone like myself, I now know I should just finally give up entirely on ever finding love. Thanks.


  • #57
    Fluorescence
    Moderators, Music Moderators Posts: 8,490 Mod ✭✭✭✭Fluorescence


    Op, here's another way of looking at it: porn is like fast food. It's quick, immediate and saves him having to make dinner for himself when you're not home (in this case, use his imagination). Just cause he likes a dirty curry and a beer on a wednesday night, doesn't mean he thinks less of your wonderful cooking and exquisitely prepared meals. Given the choice he'd take your sunday roast over the curry. But if it's a toss up between a takeaway and the cold beans on toast he'd cobble together for himself then'll he'll get the curry for convenience's sake ;)


  • #58
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I'm a woman and I masturbate to porn without the use of a vibrator (Sorry mods if this is too graphic).. Not the really nasty stuff of course but I do find some of it quite sexy. I don't fancy the men or women in the scenes but there's something about the action which gets me into the mood and helps me relieve the tension more easily.

    What I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is that your boyfriend isn't watching porn because you're not enough. Sex with an actual person is better than masturbation but there are different ways out there to help people get there by themselves. Men work on a more visual level than us ladies so the sight of unclothed naked ladies on the screen will work for him.

    You use your vibrator. Your boyf watches porn. Different methods. Same result.

    I think you're being too harsh on him to be honest. You are both using artificial methods to get off and you are being unfair in expecting him to get rid of his crutch while you keep yours.


  • #59
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Boyfriend Troubles wrote: »
    He's actually looking at other women and imagining having sex with them and I find that upsetting.

    For me, that's the strangest bit of your post. He's probably not imagining having sex with them at all. He's simply turned on by the images and using them to "scratch an itch" so to speak.

    Why is it ok for you to relieve yourself in whatever manner you wish, and it's not ok for your boyfriend to do so as he pleases? I think you sound really controlling and you should look at that before you're on here with another username: GotDumped. Just my 2c.


  • #60
    pickarooney
    Moderators, Arts Moderators Posts: 35,489 Mod ✭✭✭✭pickarooney


    I don't see how it's that hard to grasp that a person could fantasize about all manner of different people. Why does it have to be reduced to a pointless 'replacement' notion?

    Do people honestly always fantasize about the same person or the same physique, colour, age, size of person? What's the point in a fantasy if it's always the same thing?


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  • #61
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    pickarooney wrote: »
    I don't see how it's that hard to grasp that a person could fantasize about all manner of different people. Why does it have to be reduced to a pointless 'replacement' notion?

    Do people honestly always fantasize about the same person or the same physique, colour, age, size of person? What's the point in a fantasy if it's always the same thing?

    It seems like most people have said that he's not fantasizing about these women. You seem to be saying he is, and there's nothing wrong with it.

    It's confusing.


    I'd also like to second what she_pornfan said. I have used porn and when I do I'm not fantasizing about the people in it. It is simply witnessing the act involved that titillates, not any fantasy about being in that situation with another person. If there is any fantasizing going on in my case, I am always fantasizing about my partner.

    So OP, maybe you could talk to him about your concern about feeling replaced, and if he is not the type to actually fantasize about being with the women he's watching, maybe you can find some reassurance from that and then possibly accept this part of his sexuality. That's how I see it, anyway, just another part of sexuality.


  • #62
    ppink
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,458 ✭✭✭ppink


    Boyfriend Troubles wrote: »
    And I know a lot of people (mostly men it seems) will find that unreasonable, but I can't help it. I just want to know how I can get him to stop. We can't carry on like this, but I love him in every other respect.


    you cant get him to stop. this is a choice he has made and if he agrees to stop chances are he will just hide it better from you....maybe that will be ok for you?

    If you set it out from the beginning of the relationship that this is how you feel about it then he is ignoring your strong beliefs and in a way he is looking to change you too.
    2 people looking for the other to change about something they both feel strongly about...........is it worth it?

    I think we all have certain things that are deal breakers for us, the question is whether this is one for you.

    Please dont go down the crazy road of trying to change someone.


  • #63
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op I think you need to step back for second. Every guy jerks off
    , even in healthy sex filled relationships, if they say they don't they are lowing
    I think you need to ask yourself why you want to control other people & is it rooted with
    a personal insecurity. Your bf has done nothing wrong and has been discreet from what
    you said in your post.


  • #64
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    You've two options : It doesn't seem that he's spending all his time watching porn, so is it possible for you to turn a blind eye? He's not doing it in a way that makes YOU feel degraded, he doesn't leave pornographic images on the computer for you to see. Also if it's something he's always done, and he was doing it when you started going out with him and you were alright with it, you can't move the goalposts now.

    The other option is to give up on him. If it bothers you that much, you're going to have to find someone who doesn't need porn to fulfil part of his life. If you can't turn a blind eye, it will always be a contentious issue. Did you ever envisage that your relationship(s) would have such contention? If not, then it's time to end it.


  • #65
    FoxT
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,204 ✭✭✭FoxT


    OP, sooner or later many relationships run into a situation where the usual negotiation patterns that they have used all along, won't work anymore. It can be over issues like sex, alcohol, children, money, or, in your case, porn.

    It sounds like your approach here is wanting him to change 'How can I get him to stop'.

    This approach wil not work. Think about it - how successful would your partner likely be, if he tried to change you?

    It is something you need to talk about. Try to understand & be non judgmental. It is not an easy subject to talk about, so take your time. It may well require multiple conversations. At the end of it all, neither of you will have changed the other, but you will hopefully develop a deeper understanding & acceptance of each other.

    If this fails, then at least you will be in a better informed position as you decide on your own future.

    Best of luck with it,

    - Foxt


  • #66
    Rufus the brave
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34 ✭Rufus the brave


    Maybe wathc some porn together. Rather than watching the degradin hardcore stuff, watch some nice porn of real people having sex, rather than the saddo hardcore fake stuff.

    You might like the sensual and erotic type porn. I don't blame you for not liking the hardcore stuff, I don't like it myself (although I admit to having watched loads of it in the past, but have kind of gone off it). :o


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  • #67
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I think it is absolutely insane that you are basically controlling your OH's sexuality and it's completely counter-intuitive to ideas of sexual esteem and liberation. I mean, what happened to you? This is ridiculous. Talk to your OH - he is not being forced to be with you, he CHOOSES to be with you. When you decided to take offense to him watching porn you are pushing him away and telling him what is right and wrong in terms of sex. Now he's going to be double-checking everything he does with you in bed, and will probably end up masturbating much more to get it out of his system. Talk to him about the porn and if there are any fantasies he is keen on doing or completely ignore it.

    In fairness, you have a dildo - a proper instrument for masturbation. How would you feel if he said you can only use your hands from now on because he felt jealous that you were having sex with a toy? Or that he was buying himself a fleshlight because he doesn't get to watch porn anymore? It's just way too silly. I'm pretty sure if he did say that you would cry out about equality, feminisms and all the rest. Calm down, girl!

    So glad I allow my OH to do what he wants on his own time instead of being a control freak. He is allowed to masturbate to images of other women. He is NOT allowed to want to be with other women romantically.

    Either you learn to accept the fact that this is a normal part of male sexuality or you move on to a guy that doesn't watch porn. Chances are that same guy is going to have a problem with your dildo.


  • #68
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    anideamay wrote: »
    I think it is absolutely insane that you are basically controlling your OH's sexuality.......I mean, what happened to you?...... This is ridiculous. .....It's just way too silly. I'm pretty sure if he did say that you would cry out about equality, feminisms and all the rest. Calm down, girl!......I'm so glad I allow my OH to do what he wants on his own time instead of being a control freak.

    You say you're not a control freak, yet you tell the OP she's wrong for thinking the way she does? Maybe you should calm down!


  • #69
    Dudess
    Closed Accounts Posts: 37,214 ✭✭✭✭Dudess


    I understand you being uncomfortable with the image of a woman being ****ed violently up the ass/deep-throated (never mind the "You're a prude" crowd - they think they're so liberated, they're actually seriously conformist; some people just don't get turned on by something as crass as that) but do remember: the women choose the line of work, enjoy it (they genuinely do) and get well paid. There are hideous aspects to that industry, but the "run of the mill" stuff is generally not exploitative.
    In terms of your boyfriend: I definitely don't think you're being fair. It is just escapism - and a release he enjoys. As long as it doesn't result in your sex life being replaced by it, it is very day-to-day stuff. And as you can see, I'm not coming from a position of bias.
    Would you watch/read more softcore erotica yourself, like Rufus above recommends? It's highly enjoyable to do so, and for me, it just ignites a sex life rather than diverting away from it. Amateur porn featuring a couple who are actually really into each other, rather than just two people ****ing coldly and cynically for the cash - maybe give that a viewing with himself there?


  • #70
    tenchi-fan
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,339 ✭✭✭tenchi-fan


    Boyfriend Troubles wrote: »
    He even tried to turn the argument around and said that he'd stop watching porn when I stopped using my vibrator on my own!!! I tried to say that I don't have a problem with him masturbating because yes I do that with my toy too but the problem is that he's doing it over pictures of other women.

    I think you should get off your moral high-horse by bringing in the ethical dimensions of porn production. Tens if not Hundreds of millions of people watch it, your boyfriend is not single-handedly (pun not intended) causing the degradation of these women, in fact some of them get paid very well.

    As for the vibrator. He's right, I'm afraid. Similar to porn, it's an aid for masturbating. It's not a case of your boyfriend using it against you. He's simply high-lighting a double standard.

    Men prefer visual stimulation whereas women prefer mental stimulation. So while he watches something, you're happy to let your mind run riot and use your vibrator to hit the high notes.

    Your main problem is you accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you in his mind, yet you have sex with an inanimate object.

    Your options:
    1. An ultimatum: Tell your boyfriend the porn is a deal-breaker. Leave him if he continues to watch it.
    2. An understanding: Give your boyfriend a break, and continue using your vibrator. Stop pretending you're any better than your boyfriend, because you're both doing the same thing.
    3. An agreement: Take him up on his offer. You bin the dildo and he stops watching porn. It might sound a bit too conventional, but it could work out for the best.


  • #71
    carlybabe1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,069 ✭✭✭carlybabe1


    fluorescence wrote: »
    How childish. The OP's boyfriend isn't flaunting pics of porn actresses in her face, commenting on their cleavage or tight bodies, and generally rubbing her nose in it. She only found out because she used his laptop and it came up on the browsing history. This is terrible advice and I'd be ignoring it.

    OP, I don't understand why you find porn so unacceptable despite your explanations, but I can say that he'll not be budging on this issue. It's not even an issue for him. Unless you can find some way to get past it (perhaps making your own porn vids with him or taking sexy pictures for him to use when you're not around), then this isn't going to work between ye.


    And you call my advice terrible? Yes OP you should definitely take compromising, sorry I mean sexy pics, and wat the hell, make a movie to gratify him when your not around. Hes STILL gonna look at porn, but when you end the relationship, he'll have all of that "entertainment" to amuse himself, probably his friends, and possibly anyone with access to you tube...Eh BAD idea me thinks.

    The problem the OP has, as she explained, is that she doesnt like the idea of being compared to the women hes looking at in porn, i merely suggested that if she was to admire other men for similar physical reasons, (minus the boobs of course) then he might better understand how shes feeling and that its not just a "prudish" thing


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  • #72
    Mallei
    Registered Users Posts: 144 ✭✭Mallei


    tenchi-fan wrote: »
    As for the vibrator. He's right, I'm afraid. Similar to porn, it's an aid for masturbating. It's not a case of your boyfriend using it against you. He's simply high-lighting a double standard.

    Men prefer visual stimulation whereas women prefer mental stimulation. So while he watches something, you're happy to let your mind run riot and use your vibrator to hit the high notes.

    Your main problem is you accuse your boyfriend of cheating on you in his mind, yet you have sex with an inanimate object.

    ...

    Continue using your vibrator. Stop pretending you're any better than your boyfriend, because you're both doing the same thing.

    Sorry, I feel I have to intervene here, because for the millionth time porn and vibrators are not the same thing. It seems to be exclusively men making this argument, as if to desperately try and defend their addiction to porn by picking something that their partners like and claiming that it's essentially the same thing.

    The equivalent to a vibrator (a female sex toy) is a male sex toy. Male sex toys are not part of this problem; we have no idea how the OP would view a male sex toy entering the relationship, and given that it's therefore irrelevant to the discussion I don't see the point in continuing to mention them.

    The equivalent to porn is porn. The OP clearly does not watch porn, and she does not want her boyfriend to do so. Whatever she does in terms of masturbating with the aid of toys is not the same.


  • #73
    Maple
    Hosted Moderators Posts: 16,186 ✭✭✭✭Maple


    Thread is over two weeks old and the OP hasn't returned to seek further advice.

    Locked.

    Maple


This discussion has been closed.
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