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LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!
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This thread is a great resource for information, help and advice. Fantastic read.
I've suffered for about 7/8 years now seriously but being honest maybe 20 years now on and off, but most times I could cope and get on with it, I'd a very understanding boss as well who can empathise which took a lot of the pressure work wise of. I've come around in recent months to the idea that I need to make on big change and loads of small changes in my life to help. I haven't really done anything about it though which has made things worse the last couple of weeks.
First thing in the New Year I have to move location as I'm very isolated where I am. Everything was always geared around my son but recently my depression has started to effect him and things can't go on like that. The change will mean seeing less of him but hopefully it should mean more "quality time" (I hate that phrase) with him instead of wasting loads of time, we get on fantastic, similar tastes in things and I don't want to look back in a few years looking at the waste of time and chances.
He used to be the reason I fought, went through tough times before when his Mam wouldn't let me see him for vindictive reasons, courts etc. but I always got to see him because she knew deep down it was doing him harm. Gave me a reason to fight though.
Now though the depression is effecting him, the first time I've let that happen and it's a serious wake up call. Before seeing him was the reason I got through and "bucked up", even that doesn't seem to work anymore.
Seeing less of him is the emotional pull though which will happen if I move and the depression feeds of that and the indecisiveness, in so many ways it becomes a viscious circle.
Logically I know the move will help. There'll be more things to do and more people around me, more opportunities like evening courses, more social outlets etc. like people have mentioned on this thread. Just a matter of availing of them and getting busy again, but that's for another day. Me having other things in my life going on will help him as in my current state I'm not of much use to him.
Again, the stories here are inspirational. I know it'll probably be there at some stage or level for a long, long time but I have to get a grip on it or I'm at risk of losing the most important thing in my life and if that happens, well the tears I have now will be a trickle compared to then and I'm not letting that happen.
Quoting myself, oh the vanity!
Well I've made the big move, all 10 miles of it, but seeing as I don't drive, not isolated anymore, everything within a 10 minute walk at most, 2 minutes in a lazy mood!
No excuse for not getting out of the house.
Young lad is loving the change, cinema a 10 minute walk and we watched the Muppets on Saturday. (Great piss take of modern nicey, nicey movies) He loves having everything so handy and when he asks me "what will we do next time I'm over" no excuses. Even a 5 minute walk to get out of the house will do. He's a great young lad, easily pleased, all he wants is to watch Fr. Ted, Dr. Who and the new target, the Fawlty Towers box set!
Should be able to visit one evening during the week with no real bothers and that was my worry.
Sister is nearby and full of ideas and plans! God bless! Heart is in the right place but I keep telling her, one step at a time, not trying to take over the world in Pinkey and the Brain style just yet.
It's funny, she'd be very familiar with alcoholics but it seems to me Alcoholics get a pass on recovery, depression less so. I suppose its a sign a recovering Alcoholic is a pretty normal person these days in Ireland, people still haven't got their head around a depressed person trying to recover, though many similarities.
Maybe it's an alcoholic is a physical thing, people can see the cause, they can't with depression.
Anyway, a few targets in my mind, need to set the next achievable target. A big step made, the small steps could be the hardest, so many to pick from.Mad Men's Don Draper : What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons.
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Join Date:Posts: 29920
GuitarZero, can't write much cos I'm on an iPad while travelling but I had to write to say this:Does anyone feel at night they wanna cry out of sheer bewilderment of how alone and desperate they feel.
Absolutely. And what's worse is that people in my daily life think I'm tough as nails and have everything sorted and some nights I would just lie there without any idea how I could come back to the surface and not suffocate.
I call it "wallowing", mostly because I don't have the right vocabulary for this thing...
What I've learned is that there is no bottom to that pit. I used to think at somehow I would have this release and that would be better for me and clean out the system but there was never a "bounce" for me. The more I wallowed the more I wouldn't see any reason not to go deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole.
I've learned that you have to fight, fight from the first minute, fight the hobgoblin, fight the negative spiral. Don't go there because there is NOTHING there for you. No great insight, no release, no peace, just endless descent. At least for me that's how it is.
You can change all of this, you think you can't but you can. I had the same ing happen to me about my folks and how I hadn't told them how much they meant to me. The phone rang at 11pm and it said "Home". That scared be cos my folks are out cold by 10pm so I got a start and thought "omg, it's my dad, it's *that* call". I was nearly frantic when I answered to find it was my mum just calling to ask me something after a night out.
The next week I took them for dinner and in the middle of it I just blurted out how much I respected how much they had done for me in my life. I just opened my gob and said the words. I just reached into my pants, grabbed a handful, took a deep breath and told the people I love more than anything that I appreciated everything they had done for me. They were a bit taken aback because it came out of nowhere but my father, usually a fairly unemotional Dub, looked prouder then I've seen him in a long time.
So, pick a day, stick it in your head, arrange to meet and just tell them. That's my advice anyway. You aren't a passenger in your own life, fight back, take charge, get up and get in the game. Believe me, I'm not being trite, I know how hard it is when you have Velcro for a back and everything seems pointless. Listen to the voice telling you you know you should do this, concentrate on it and ignore the howls from the hobgoblin. Decide to do it and then head down and get it done. You'll be thankful, I swear. Don't let this pass, don't put it off. Don't feel embarrassed, you'll make their day.0 -
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K9, that put a great big fat stupid grin on my face today. I'm totally chuffed for you and for your son too. Much respect, much much respect that you do this for him (not to mention yourself)!
Have to agree on the fight thing, you have to summon it from somewhere, somehow, but it can be difficult to find it when you have that numbness and emptiness.Mad Men's Don Draper : What you call love was invented by guys like me, to sell nylons.
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Join Date:Posts: 29920
Have you told people this (I mean , other than us)? You aren't alone and people will help, I mean look at this thread for a start. If you've talked to people, consider talking to a counsellor, there's a lot can be done to help these days. It's a c*nt of a thing but it's not the master of you. 0 -
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You're welcome, it has helped me no end when writing it and since then a whole lot of people have written here or in Pm to say something similar. Its genuinely hard to know what to say or how to respond but it means a great deal to me to hear that. I wasnt expecting this to really go where its gone but I'm very happy it has. Bordering on chuffed-with-myself and for me, thats a big step forward.
Everyone on this thread who has had the guts to step up and say "yeah, me too, here's my story" all those people made this thread though, one guy wouldnt really carry any weight but when hundreds of people are talking about it, it makes it easier to add your voice to the throng. We need this countrywide.0 -
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I've shared my story here before, and since then things have mostly been a bit better. But recently I've made the mortal error of allowing myself time to think. I'm currently in China, teaching English until the end of May. I came here to have an adventure, to get away from home, to give myself somewhere new to try and shake old demons out. And for the first couple of weeks, when everything was new and hectic, it worked. My mind was free of personal problems. Instead I focussed on getting along with Chinese public transport and being taken to fancy restaurants every few nights by gracious Chinese hosts. This should be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I reckon a lot of people would love to be where I am right now. I should be giddy with excitement constantly.
But I can't feeling really underwhelmed and lonely right now.
Other than two other foreign ESL teachers, there's no-one here for me to talk to really. But I know if I went back home, it'd pretty much just be my family I'd be talking to. Going back home would mean going back to mindnumbing days of boredom, unemployment and loneliness. At least here, the loneliness part is all I have to deal with. So there's no point in me going back home. But the novelty of teaching has worn off after a couple of weeks and, after 18 classes a week, I'm usually just left with a very sore throat and a vague sense of futility.
When I do get back home, I'm starting a Masters in Nottingham in September. And already I can't help thinking to myself; what if I'm not able for it? I screwed up in college a lot of the time and I can't help feeling I'll screw up this time too. I should be looking forward to having another great opportunity but, eight months in advance, I'm already just pretty terrified.
Going back to the loneliness thing, I know there's no chance of me having any sort of lovelife over here in China (the whole "gheyness" thing is non-existent where I am) and it probably won't be any different when I get back home. I love being in a relationship but my previous two both ended disastrously. I don't talk to either of my exes anymore, and that really bugs me. I think it says a lot about me that, two years in a row, I get dumped right before my birthday by guys who, only a little while before, told me that they loved me. And it feels really unhealthy that I have yet to have an ex that I've stayed friends with after. It feels like I'm just completely disposable, or something. Good for a few months and then thrown away. And even though I long for a relationship that works out (or even one that ends well), I'm now terrified of even the prospect of going on a date with anyone. If what's already happened to me twice happens a third time......there's no way I can deal with that kind of shít.
I'm only 22 years old but already it feels like I have unhealthy amounts of regret. There are so many things I wish I could change about my life and the way things have gone. I know that the past is the past, and that there's nothing I can do about it. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, my mind won't let me stop pondering the "what-ifs". And I've done the whole counselling thing, psychotherapy thing, psychiatric thing, anti-depressants thing (still on them at the moment)....and every time it feels like I'm resolving things and moving in the right direction, something comes along to just set me back again.
I'm not even looking for advice or sympathy any more, really. I just need to vent, and online is pretty much the only place I can do it right now. And a lot of this stuff I've already posted about before, so anyone who knows me that reads it would be forgiven for rolling their eyes and calling me a broken record. Maybe someone shouting in my face, telling me to cop on and get the fúck over myself is what I need.
I really thought I'd moved on from the whole "needing to see the bad in everything" mindset, and 2012 started off on such a high note; getting to go to China, getting accepted for a Masters......I should not be feeling so down right now. It just doesn't make sense. Nothing about depression does, I guess. 0 -
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Captain Graphite wrote: »I've shared my story here before, and since then things have mostly been a bit better. But recently I've made the mortal error of allowing myself time to think. I'm currently in China, teaching English until the end of May. I came here to have an adventure, to get away from home, to give myself somewhere new to try and shake old demons out. And for the first couple of weeks, when everything was new and hectic, it worked. My mind was free of personal problems. Instead I focussed on getting along with Chinese public transport and being taken to fancy restaurants every few nights by gracious Chinese hosts. This should be the opportunity of a lifetime for me. I reckon a lot of people would love to be where I am right now. I should be giddy with excitement constantly.
But I can't feeling really underwhelmed and lonely right now. Other than two other foreign ESL teachers, there's no-one here for me to talk to really. But I know if I went back home, it'd pretty much just be my family I'd be talking to. Going back home would mean going back to mindnumbing days of boredom, unemployment and loneliness. At least here, the loneliness part is all I have to deal with. So there's no point in me going back home. But the novelty of teaching has worn off after a couple of weeks and, after 18 classes a week, I'm usually just left with a very sore throat and a vague sense of futility.
When I do get back home, I'm starting a Masters in Nottingham in September. And already I can't help thinking to myself; what if I'm not able for it? I screwed up in college a lot of the time and I can't help feeling I'll screw up this time too. I should be looking forward to having another great opportunity but, eight months in advance, I'm already just pretty terrified.
Going back to the loneliness thing, I know there's no chance of me having any sort of lovelife over here in China (the whole "gheyness" thing is non-existent where I am) and it probably won't be any different when I get back home. I love being in a relationship but my previous two both ended disastrously. I don't talk to either of my exes anymore, and that really bugs me. I think it says a lot about me that, two years in a row, I get dumped right before my birthday by guys who, only a little while before, told me that they loved me. And it feels really unhealthy that I have yet to have an ex that I've stayed friends with after. It feels like I'm just completely disposable, or something. Good for a few months and then thrown away. And even though I long for a relationship that works out (or even one that ends well), I'm now terrified of even the prospect of going on a date with anyone. If what's already happened to me twice happens a third time......there's no way I can deal with that kind of shít.
I'm only 22 years old but already it feels like I have unhealthy amounts of regret. There are so many things I wish I could change about my life and the way things have gone. I know that the past is the past, and that there's nothing I can do about it. But no matter how many times I tell myself that, my mind won't let me stop pondering the "what-ifs". And I've done the whole counselling thing, psychotherapy thing, psychiatric thing, anti-depressants thing (still on them at the moment)....and every time it feels like I'm resolving things and moving in the right direction, something comes along to just set me back again.
I'm not even looking for advice or sympathy any more, really. I just need to vent, and online is pretty much the only place I can do it right now. And a lot of this stuff I've already posted about before, so anyone who knows me that reads it would be forgiven for rolling their eyes and calling me a broken record. Maybe someone shouting in my face, telling me to cop on and get the fúck over myself is what I need.
I really thought I'd moved on from the whole "needing to see the bad in everything" mindset, and 2012 started off on such a high note; getting to go to China, getting accepted for a Masters......I should not be feeling so down right now. It just doesn't make sense. Nothing about depression does, I guess.
I spent time doing a volunteer program in Shanghai in 2008 and I can empathise with a lot of the alienated feelings your talking about. I remember feeling very isolated and out of sorts. Chinese people though polite are very reticent so that would leave you feeling even lonelier in a crowd.
How long is your teaching contract for? If its only a few more months then maybe you can see it out. Whatever you ultimately do try not to see yourself as a failure. Us depressive types can be perfectionists and thus very hard on ourselves. As for the negative thoughts or thoughts about 'screwing up' I'd say write them down and try and challenge them. Reasoning them out makes them lose a lot of they're power.0 -
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It's incredibly easy to feel alone in a foreign country. No language , cant read or write, different culture etc... Trust me I've been on the road in Asia now for two weeks and it's a challenge but I have a buddy with me which makes it a bit easier... College will be a lot easier I think, cos you will have plenty of people who are potential friends. You are 22, I envy you. It gets sooooo much better.I spent time doing a volunteer program in Shanghai in 2008 and I can empathise with a lot of the alienated feelings your talking about. I remember feeling very isolated and out of sorts. Chinese people though polite are very reticent so that would leave you feeling even lonelier in a crowd.
How long is your teaching contract for? If its only a few more months then maybe you can see it out. Whatever you ultimately do try not to see yourself as a failure. Us depressive types can be perfectionists and thus very hard on ourselves. As for the negative thoughts or thoughts about 'screwing up' I'd say write them down and try and challenge them. Reasoning them out makes them lose a lot of they're power.
Thanks for taking the time to reply. Teaching contract is until the end of May but I've no intention of not seeing it out. I know if I went back home, I'd just be going back to the life I had there. Which is what I needed to get away from.
Last night I just felt really shít about everything. I'd been sick for a few days and when I'm sick my mind seems to drift back to the past more often. Had a good nights sleep and woke up this morning feeling a bit better. Typing everything down and just getting it out of my system helps a lot.
Thanks again.0 -
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ItsAWindUp wrote: »I don't know about the card thing, but I am over eighteen. And if possible I'd rather that they didn't find out about it. Does anyone know how much anti-depressants roughly cost?
Really depends on what you're prescribed. I was paying €100 for a months supply at one stage.
I'd second talking with your folks even if you're a legal adult. They'll only want to help you out
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God! I was batsh1t crazy and that crap will come back to bite me in my ass some day.[/Quote]
I dont think there is a person on this planet that hasnt done some crazy **** in their time. Apologise to the person if you can and move on be kind to yourself good to know u feel ur getting better 0 -
Selena Creamy Bather wrote: »God! I was batsh1t crazy and that crap will come back to bite me in my ass some day.
I dont think there is a person on this planet that hasnt done some crazy **** in their time. Apologise to the person if you can and move on be kind to yourself good to know u feel ur getting better[/QUOTE]
Apoligising is something I want to do because I was in the wrong but I am kinda in two minds about it. He drove me into despair with his lies and actions and had absolutely no remorse for me or my feelings. Which actually started off the depressive episode. He made me feel so unbelievably low and worthless. There wasn't even so much as even an apology from him. Almost as if to say: if you feel that way, it's nothing to do with me.0 -
Mucky.Bucky wrote: »Selena Creamy Bather wrote: »God! I was batsh1t crazy and that crap will come back to bite me in my ass some day.
I dont think there is a person on this planet that hasnt done some crazy **** in their time. Apologise to the person if you can and move on be kind to yourself good to know u feel ur getting better
Apoligising is something I want to do because I was in the wrong but I am kinda in two minds about it. He drove me into despair with his lies and actions and had absolutely no remorse for me or my feelings. Which actually started off the depressive episode. He made me feel so unbelievably low and worthless. There wasn't even so much as even an apology from him. Almost as if to say: if you feel that way, it's nothing to do with me.[/Quote]
maybe write him a letter saying sorry ? Then never post it 0 -
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