Teenage daughter pregnant

team fop · 04-05-2012 7:11pm #1

I have just found out my 15year old daughter I'd pregnant and she is determined to keep it. I am absolutely devastated as any parent would be, she will not tell me who the father is and isn't in a relationship! We(her family) have had a very tough 2years with her, she went totally off the rails and we were encouraging and supportive and we honestly felt we were making great progress with her, she seemed to be 'growing out' of it. But this has just been the icing on the cake. She has challenging behaviour and has been physically abusive to me on occasions so I have no idea how she thinks she can cope with a new born baby. I would have very serious concerns for the baby's safety. I am shaking writing this as I am at my wits end and have no idea where to go to next..I feel like I'm in quick sand and time is running out

golden lane · 04-05-2012 7:19pm

team fop wrote: »

I have just found out my 15year old daughter I'd pregnant and she is determined to keep it. I am absolutely devastated as any parent would be, she will not tell me who the father is and isn't in a relationship! We(her family) have had a very tough 2years with her, she went totally off the rails and we were encouraging and supportive and we honestly felt we were making great progress with her, she seemed to be 'growing out' of it. But this has just been the icing on the cake. She has challenging behaviour and has been physically abusive to me on occasions so I have no idea how she thinks she can cope with a new born baby. I would have very serious concerns for the baby's safety. I am shaking writing this as I am at my wits end and have no idea where to go to next..I feel like I'm in quick sand and time is running out

i'd say....for the next couple of weeks at least....go along with what she wants.....let...her do the talking..of course you listen intently.....pretend you will accept what she wants.......she will be finding out about the long term issues herself..........if she asks questions.....reply in a non biased way....no lies or exagerrations.....if she thinks you are lying...back to square one.......remember when you first got pregnant......she probably feels much the same........see how that goes....and go on from there......to you she is a young daughter....to her she is a grown woman.....no shouting whatever you do.......

The Princess Bride · 04-05-2012 8:08pm

Hon- big hug for you.As a parent of teens,my heart goes out to you.

As the adult in the equation,you need to look after yourself,maybe go and speak with your GP?

She is a child still,so will be thinking like one,and any rational ideas or longterm issues,will probably go over her head right now.

Take care you.
One step at a time.

BengaLover · 04-05-2012 8:14pm

Oh lordy, our worst fears, every one of us, cant imagine how you feel.
I dont think those MTV shows 16 and Pregnant do much to help teens either..
This could be the making of her, if you could keep the lines of communication open and try not to take over - which will be really hard because at the end of the day YOU are the one that knows whats best for her, but if you try to make decisions for her then that could push her away, so for now bite your lip and smile..(or try..)
Try and get her to really think about what kind of life she wants for her and her child when it comes, go and talk to your local social work team, there may be some classes or counselling she could have to prepare her.
My oldest is 17 and the way she is going on right now I may be the next one with the same post as you.:(

team fop · 04-05-2012 9:08pm

Thank you all for your support, I am in total shock that this has happened! I also have a 10year old daughter who I have to this about in this huge mess! I keep questioning where did I go wrong, what could I have done differently!!??? She will not communicate with me, more or less has said she has done this to spite me as she knows it is my worst nightmare, it's scares me this immaturity..this is another human being we are talking about not a doll! I really do need some professional help with this one, but it's a bank holiday weekend so none available

(( please god I will be able to hold my sanity together until Tuesday

Daisy M · 04-05-2012 9:09pm

Ok I am not going to pretend this is good news but its not the worst either. Focus on the positive your daughter is in good health she is alive and still in your lives, it would be devestating if she werent. Every time a teenager becomes pregnant it seems like the end of the world but yet when the baby is born all anger and hurt seems to melt away. Get in touch with positiveoptions, even if your daughter has no interest in speaking with them you may find they give you the support and help you need. Best of luck xx

Sharon1111 · 04-05-2012 9:47pm

Hi there

I registered so I could wish you some luck. I dont think she did this for spite its just a stupid moment you know the ones. but you are right one stupid minute a life time changed. If she has done this for spite then try your best not to react as this is what she expects, I know it so hard to do but you will feel the bigger person if you walk away from her and you do not give her the reaction she wants. Leave the situation as much as you can this weekend take your other daughter out go for a walk go to the park, forget about housework etc. take some time out to let it sink in. These few weeks will be the worst but as it sinks in you will realise its going to be ok your daughter immaturity will disappear. Remember to give her the responsibility. Things will settle down worse part is telling people feeling shame thinking this is a reflection on you it is not.

You will be glad in a few months that you havent reacted to her.

Bless you I will be thinking of you.

Sharon.

team fop · 04-05-2012 11:36pm

Thank you daisy and Sharon for your kind words of support! At the moment I cannot see the wood for the trees, my entire family are disgusted with the situation I am so angry and need some time out. I will contact positive options once the weekend has passed. I really need to know what options there is for her because staying at home with the baby right now isn't one of them as selfish as it sounds

LegacyUser · 05-05-2012 12:20am

I was in the same situation as your daughter a few years ago. I wasn't quite as young, but still young enough.
She might be saying that she did this to spite you as a soft of defence mechanism? She would probably prefer you to be angry rather than dissappointed in her. I know that's how I felt, it was just easier for me that way.
It's hard, but in my opinion you must let her make the final decision on this. My family pushed me into having an abortion and I never got over it. It damaged my relationship with my mother beyond repair and even now I don't think I will ever get over it. I would not wish that on anyone.
No matter how she seems to be coping with this on the outside, she must be terrified. No 15 year could be ok with finding out she is pregnant. I would advise you to support her on whatever she decides, that is what she needs right now. D.o try and convince her to contact the family planning clinic or positive options. They are great services for support and information.

It might seem like a nightmare right now, but at the end of the day a baby is always a blessing. If she goes through with it you will probably find a great change in her maturity and attitude to life. Try not to doubt her abilities.

I wish you all the best of luck.

cynder · 05-05-2012 1:05pm

Big hugs,

But it isnt the end of the world, If she wants to keep it that is her choice, to force her to have an abortion could ruin your relationship for years. Don't force her to have the baby adopted. You have to let her make the decision otherwise it will come back and bite you. This could actually be the making of her, she will have responsibility and will have to live up to it.

Check out these guys! http://www.positiveoptions.ie

She wont confide in you if you are like a bull in a china shop. You need to be calm, loving and supportive even though it is your worst nightmare. I know its hard and you want to be angry and scream at her.

The baby could go into childcare and she could continue with school, she needs her mom, be there for her.

titchy · 05-05-2012 4:46pm

I can only imagine what thoughts are running through your head right now.
Firstly I would say that your entire family being disgusted is not helping! You need support and help not judgement and to be fair 'there but for the grace of god ....go us all' ,
Secondly I think you need to decide how much help your willing or able to provide and be very clear on this, as the world and its mother will be full of advice judgements etc. but at the end of the day they all get to go back to their homes and close their doors YOU will be the one living it,

Putting emotional issues aside, theres money, space, and many more very practical issues here, day to day realities that will I fear inevitably fall on your shoulders...
But I have no idea of how you will get your daughter to realise these realities , at her age I think a third party may be needed to discuss it rationally with her?

I wish you and your family the very best with what ever decision you come to,

Finaly please dont let small minded people and their opinions upset you, they are the least of your problems , if they have nothing constructive, like offers of actual practical help, to bring to your table then ignore them.

uck51js9zml2yt · 05-05-2012 9:59pm

Its been said already and I agree, she doesn't need your disappointment in her. You said yourself -shes a child still- and as such despite the bravado is probably very scared and just needs her parents to give her a hug and tell her everything will be ok..and it will.
Its ok for you to be devastated but in the end she's the one who has really lost out. She has lost her childhood and will have responsibilities no 15 year old should have.
Despite her age, its her body and her child and she needs your support and guidance and your love. Whatever her decision and you may think its the wrong one, its still her decision and she may change her mind as time goes on, but don't try and force her or she will probably just resent you for it and that's what you don't want

I saw my niece after her dad died getting pregnant at 16, it wasn't planned but it happened and her mother was devastated but was supportive. She also made her face reality and take responsibility for what happened. Her mam looked after the baby during the day and she went back to school and took over when she got home.
The dad and his family were a waste of space and soon vanished which was a good thing for them.

I'm a parent, and its every parents worst fear. I really hope you find a way through this.

I am a friend · 07-05-2012 3:24pm

Op, am sorry to hear you are going through it.... Just wanted to echo what others have said in that its no reflection on you.

I would be anxious, at some stage, if I were you to find out who the Dad is as she is obviously underage and I would hope he were too... Not trying to add to your pain but I would like to ensure she wasnt preyed upon by someone older.

eviltwin · 07-05-2012 3:32pm

Hi OP, just coming at this from a different angle. I was a teen parent myself. I am now in my 30's with a teenage daughter of my own and a younger child and can honestly say having her was the making of me. It was the kick up the bum I needed. I continued with my education, got a great job, a house, married her dad and couldn't be happier really. So it can work out.

Please don't force her to have an abortion, I run a support group for women who have been through abortion - many pressured or forced by partners/family - and it ruins lives. Please don't try and coerce her to do anything, this is her life and she has to make the right decision for her.

Right now the priority has to be to get her fixed up with a doctor and hospital. Some counselling might benefit the whole family too.

Give yourself time to get used to the idea, honestly I am sure you are up to ninety right now but I know looking at my situation which back then was a total disgrace, worst thing that could have happened etc I know we now all look at my amazing daughter and wouldn't be without her for the world.

LegacyUser · 07-05-2012 4:00pm

My experience is generally that if the pregnant girl is being that difficult and dysfunctional, it doesn't augur well for the baby's future.

Frankly, adoption would probably be the best thing in this case. Loads of suitable Irish couples travel abroad for adoptions at great expense - maybe €30,000 for one adoption. Adoption is almost certain to give that baby a greater chance in life.

Unfortunately, we have gone from a situation in Ireland where most unmarried women gave their baby up for adoption to an equally ridiculous situation in which it is socially taboo to give one's baby up for adoption, no matter how dysfunctional the mother and father of that baby.

You will come under huge pressure to help out so that your daughter can keep the baby.

Are you willing to stand your ground if you feel that this is not the right course of action?

eviltwin · 08-05-2012 12:48pm

ERTYU wrote: »

My experience is generally that if the pregnant girl is being that difficult and dysfunctional, it doesn't augur well for the baby's future.

Frankly, adoption would probably be the best thing in this case. Loads of suitable Irish couples travel abroad for adoptions at great expense - maybe €30,000 for one adoption. Adoption is almost certain to give that baby a greater chance in life.

Unfortunately, we have gone from a situation in Ireland where most unmarried women gave their baby up for adoption to an equally ridiculous situation in which it is socially taboo to give one's baby up for adoption, no matter how dysfunctional the mother and father of that baby.

You will come under huge pressure to help out so that your daughter can keep the baby.

Are you willing to stand your ground if you feel that this is not the right course of action?

The girl is 15 and has just found out she is pregnant....totally to be expected she would have an "attitude", god love her she is probably terrified about it all.

Adoption can be wonderful but you can't advise on the basis of a few posts. Something like that is a big decision that should only be made after lots of counselling.

Its not the OP's choice, she can guide, advise etc but at the end of the day the mother of the baby has to be the one to make that decision. Pressure to put a child up for adoption is as bad as pressure to abort.

LegacyUser · 08-05-2012 8:41pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Its not the OP's choice, she can guide, advise etc but at the end of the day the mother of the baby has to be the one to make that decision. Pressure to put a child up for adoption is as bad as pressure to abort.

Of course it's the mother's decision.

But the grandmother, equally, is entitled to say that she doesn't want the grandchild reared in her house.

Sleepy · 08-05-2012 8:48pm

I'm going to throw a totally different slant on it here. My daughter's only 3 so my frame of view is entirely hypothetical but I think I'd be trying to help her see that an abortion is the best option for her here. If the price of stopping her from ruining her life is that my relationship with her is damaged, I think I'd live with that. I'd rather she has a good life than likes me.

cbyrd · 08-05-2012 11:01pm

Your baby is pregnant.. and as difficult as it is for you she's probably scared shítless too..:eek: deep breaths ... i know it's not what you wanted for her but if she wants to keep the baby, you never know, it might just be the making of her..it's not going to be easy whatever she decides but if she knows she has you in her corner it might just be a bit easier... this is your grandchild...:) maybe offer her the olive branch and ask her how she would like you to help her..;)
It's my worst nightmare that in 2 years my own could be in this situation but i'd like to think we could work it out too...
Best of luck and remember... it could be worse... (my own mantra

)

KittyeeTrix · 09-05-2012 12:41am

I feel for you OP, cannot be easy on you at all........

But please move away from the idea that her life is ruined... It's not. Breaking her neck and being confined to a wheelchair following a car crash would be more akin to her life being ruined. This hasn't happened..

Her life has changed and as a result will definitely be a lot less enjoyable for the remainder of her teens and her 20's as she is left holding the baby so to speak.

I've actually spend about some time earlier looking at an old school friends pictures on FB. She was 15 when she had her baby girl some 24 years ago. She now owns her own home even though she split with the babys daddy after 2 years of marriage when they were 21. She has an amazing job as a brand buyer for one of the top high street stores and looks like she travels a lot based on her pictures..........Certainly not the FB page of a girl whose whole life was ruined....

Chin up, your daughter is healthy and that's what matters. She'll have some hard knocks along the way but she'll cope. Young mums usually do as they've not got much other choice!

I definitely would not be advising her to have an abortion. My daughter is 15 in 2 years time and if it were to happen to me I would lay all of the options out on the table for her (abortion included) but I'd do my best not to force one upon her. She'll know in her heart and head what it is she truly wants to do and may not appreciate it or get over any option foistered upon her in later life..........No fancy job, money or whatever will make up for a decision she may feel was forced upon her..

Best of luck with it all:)

Lola92 · 09-05-2012 9:49am

I agree with the general sentiment here, it is a tough situation but ultimately one that your daughter has to make the decision on.

I suppose I am looking at a little from the other side, I had my daughter when I was 18. I was finished school so in some ways that made it a lot easier. I don't think she honestly would have gotten pregnant to spite you, but if that is the case she has some serious growing up to do. I would suggest ye all sit down together with your gp and talk about it. She needs to understand what a commitment it is to become a parent young and the impact that it will have on her education, her friends, her whole life really.

Although I am a young parent, I would not change my daughter for the world. I have always been a maternal person and I was lucky that I was and still am with the man I wanted to settle down and have a family with. Has your daughter got any experience with babies or small children? Does she know realistically what it will be like? She needs to know that it is very much a full-time commitment.

My little girl is now almost a year and a half old and fortunately, thanks to the support of my parents and my partner, I am about to finish the first year of my degree. It has not been easy. Not what you would call the typical 'college experience'. I am often asked on nights out, to go places after college but no matter what I have to be back for 5.30 to get my daughter from the babysitter. I think I have been on maybe 3 nights out in the last 17 months and the most time that I have been away from her is 6 hours on the weekend while I was doing a course.

Becoming a young parent will not ruin her life, but it will change it forever. I have lost a lot of friends, not because they are horrible people but because realistically most people in their early 20's and late teens are busy having a social life and everything that comes along with it. They soon get tired of hearing that baby X had you up all night teething and that you are wrecked or that baby rolled over today or whatever the next big thing is for you. The things that you had in common aren't so common anymore when you become a full-time mum. But equally I have met some amazing people who have become great friends of mine through having my daughter, there is a flip side to every coin.

No matter what decision she makes there will be positive and negative aspects to both that need to be considered. I wish you both the best of luck.

eviltwin · 09-05-2012 1:00pm

Agree with Lola.

I resent this idea that being a young parent means your life is in ruins. Granted its tough and there are going to be hard times but your life is not over. There are plenty of young parents out there who had their kids at a much tougher time with a lot less help and made a go of it. Its all about how you look at it, treat it like a disaster and it will be, look on it as a challenge and there is no reason why you can't still achieve your goals.

It will either make you or break you. If your loved ones have your back you'll become stronger than you ever believed possible, if everyone treats you like a pariah you'll sink.

Sleepy · 09-05-2012 1:15pm

*IF* your loved ones can support you. Not every parent can afford to pay someone (or give up their own job) to rear their grandchildren.

eviltwin · 09-05-2012 1:20pm

Sleepy wrote: »

*IF* your loved ones can support you. Not every parent can afford to pay someone (or give up their own job) to rear their grandchildren.

There are plenty of other ways you can support someone Sleepy. It might mean taking the child for an hour or two, being on the end of a phone, helping out with a few chores....

The most basic support is just the knowledge that your family love you, respect your decision and are still there for you.

Anyone with kids no matter what age needs a support network.

OldNotWIse · 09-05-2012 1:26pm

KittyeeTrix wrote: »

I feel for you OP, cannot be easy on you at all........

But please move away from the idea that her life is ruined... It's not. Breaking her neck and being confined to a wheelchair following a car crash would be more akin to her life being ruined. This hasn't happened..

Her life has changed and as a result will definitely be a lot less enjoyable for the remainder of her teens and her 20's as she is left holding the baby so to speak.

I've actually spend about some time earlier looking at an old school friends pictures on FB. She was 15 when she had her baby girl some 24 years ago. She now owns her own home even though she split with the babys daddy after 2 years of marriage when they were 21. She has an amazing job as a brand buyer for one of the top high street stores and looks like she travels a lot based on her pictures..........Certainly not the FB page of a girl whose whole life was ruined....

Chin up, your daughter is healthy and that's what matters. She'll have some hard knocks along the way but she'll cope. Young mums usually do as they've not got much other choice!

I definitely would not be advising her to have an abortion. My daughter is 15 in 2 years time and if it were to happen to me I would lay all of the options out on the table for her (abortion included) but I'd do my best not to force one upon her. She'll know in her heart and head what it is she truly wants to do and may not appreciate it or get over any option foistered upon her in later life..........No fancy job, money or whatever will make up for a decision she may feel was forced upon her..

Best of luck with it all:)

Agree, pressuring someone to have an abortion (or go down any route) against their will is going to do more than make them "not like you". My best friend had a baby when she was young (he is my godson) and her life is far from over. She has her own house now, she's just finisged college and she has met a really nice guy and settled down with him. She still has a great relationship with her mum because her mum respected her decision, and certainly if any of the external family were small minded enough to be "disgusted" this "disgust" was left at the door - it was not heaped upon the poor girl who already had enough to be carrying without worrying about shaming the family.

tipptopper · 09-05-2012 1:39pm

Op, my heart goes out to you, it really does. Like most of the posters before me, If she does decide to keep the baby, i really think it will be the making of her. It’s such a scary time for you both, no doubt about it. It’s tough raising kids at any age but she is just a child herself and despite all the bravado she is showing and the hurtful things she may say, she will be scared stiff and will want you to love and support her. It won’t be easy but it’s best to put all options on the table and discuss them openly and sensibly. And one other thing, tell your family to **** off if they have nothing positive to say, I’m sure they made plenty of mistakes in their life, keep strong for yourself, your daughter and your family and while the world might seem to have ended today, it hasn’t, it has just changed and you’ve all got to adjust accordingly. I have 2 young girls and not if you offered me a million pounds this minute to change my life, would I. Best of luck.

titchy · 09-05-2012 1:58pm

Sleepy wrote: »

*IF* your loved ones can support you. Not every parent can afford to pay someone (or give up their own job) to rear their grandchildren.

I agree, like I said previously its all well and good offering advise of offering support, love etc but its the OPs life that will be affected here not just her daughter.

Theres no comparison between the support a grown woman even an 18 year old mother would need and that a 15 year old mother would need,

so unlike another woman's choice in the same situation even a young adult of eighteen, their decision and its consequences will fall squarely on their own shoulders,

the decision that this child makes will have huge, life changing implications for the OP so to say she should have little or no input here is unfair,

Finally I feel sorry that the OP has lost out on the last few years of her daughters childhood/ teenage years, and yes I know that she will always be her daughter, and Ive no doubts that the OP loves her truly, but I can't imagine having to parent a mother.

Can You?

KittyeeTrix · 09-05-2012 2:44pm

titchy wrote: »

the decision that this child makes will have huge, life changing implications for the OP so to say she should have little or no input here is unfair,

I don't think anyone here has said she should have little or no input

By all means, she should have a major impact but do not go into hyperbole about the notion that her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE IS RUINED because it isn't.... It's changed, more difficult, scary and a million other things but it's not ruined..

I believe it could be ruined however if she were rushed/pressured or brow beaten into a decision that she ultimately doesn't want to make!....

titchy · 09-05-2012 4:40pm

do not go into hyperbole about the notion that her WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE IS RUINED because it isn't.... It's changed, more difficult, scary and a million other things but it's not ruined.

I never once said her entire life was ruined...confused...

Please reread my posts before you quote youll see I am not saying any decision should be forced/rushed into

In fact Im not saying what decision should be made at all Im just thinking of the op

Yes it wont be the end of the world I actually really do agree there
Yes in several years ive no doubt shell build a great life for herself

BUT the op has a massive task ahead of her and I really want to acknowledge this

I really feel for her,

I repeat the supports this child is going to need are huge and many

I cant imagine having to support financially, emotionally and in every other way parent a 15 year old mother

Can you?

Sleepy · 09-05-2012 5:25pm

I think I was the one who mentioned the word 'ruined' so maybe I should explain what I meant by it.

For me, my life only really started after secondary school. Everything up until I finished my Leaving Cert was, in my teenage mind, the hurdles I had to jump over in order to get to college and start "having a life". TBH, it was worth it, college was arguably the best 5 years of my life and it was where I got to discover who I am. So, that's the framing of it for me. I don't have miserable memories of childhood or anything like that but, in my mind the best years of my 'growiing up' were from 17 to 24.

Yes, a single 16 year old mother can get a good leaving cert, go to college and have a career afterwards. Unless her parents are going to be raising the child for her, however, she's not going to get much of the college experience, never going to be able to do a J1, go backpacking for a year (or more) or simply have the freedom to do with her life what she wants to as her first responsibility is always going to be to her child.

eviltwin · 09-05-2012 5:38pm

Sleepy wrote: »

I think I was the one who mentioned the word 'ruined' so maybe I should explain what I meant by it.

For me, my life only really started after secondary school. Everything up until I finished my Leaving Cert was, in my teenage mind, the hurdles I had to jump over in order to get to college and start "having a life". TBH, it was worth it, college was arguably the best 5 years of my life and it was where I got to discover who I am. So, that's the framing of it for me. I don't have miserable memories of childhood or anything like that but, in my mind the best years of my 'growiing up' were from 17 to 24.

Yes, a single 16 year old mother can get a good leaving cert, go to college and have a career afterwards. Unless her parents are going to be raising the child for her, however, she's not going to get much of the college experience, never going to be able to do a J1, go backpacking for a year (or more) or simply have the freedom to do with her life what she wants to as her first responsibility is always going to be to her child.

Not everyone gets to do that anyway child or not, not everyone wants it.

My college years were spent raising a toddler and yeah it was hard going at times seeing everyone out. I had the chance to do it at times but didn't really want to, all my money went into the bank or on my daughter.

I was able to buy my own house at 25 which 10 yrs later I have nearly paid because I wasn't spending the money on nights out unlike most of my peers who at that point were broke. Because I wasn't out until dawn like some of the people I worked with I advanced quite quickly in the company. I have done my fair share of travelling...with my daughter.

I turned out okay. I am sure people rung their hands and despaired over me but I am no different to anyone else my own age. Hardly "ruined". I think actually I'm in a far better position than many of my peers.

I do get your point...if your life revolves around a social life it must be hard to not be as involved as you would like to be. I was never one for going out drinking anyway which probably made it easier for me but you can do all these things, maybe not now as much as you would like but as the child grows it gets easier.

And having a child brings it owns rewards.

Its far better to have to look back on your life though and regret a few youthful nights out than look back and regret an abortion or adoption you didn't want to happen.

The Princess Bride · 09-05-2012 5:53pm

I'm a little surprised as to some of the responses here.
Did you read the OPs principle concerns at all?

team fop wrote: »

We(her family) have had a very tough 2years with her,
she went totally off the rails .....
She has challenging behaviour and has been physically abusive to me on occasions so I have no idea how she thinks she can cope with a new born baby.
I would have very serious concerns for the baby's safety.

Well done to those of you/your friends who had children young and have come out years later,still smiling.
But did you have challenging behaviour as a teen?

This is not a young pup we're talking about - it's a baby who needs nurturing during pregnancy and for ....oh, say 18 years or so afterwards.
This does not sound like the average 15 years old girl who just happens to be pregnant.

eviltwin · 09-05-2012 6:12pm

msthe80s wrote: »

I'm a little surprised as to some of the responses here.
Did you read the OPs principle concerns at all?

Well done to those of you/your friends who had children young and have come out years later,still smiling.
But did you have challenging behaviour as a teen?

This is not a young pup we're talking about - it's a baby who needs nurturing during pregnancy and for ....oh, say 18 years or so afterwards.
This does not sound like the average 15 years old girl who just happens to be pregnant.

I think we know its not a pup...we have kids, we get it :rolleyes:

She is a vulnerable girl pregnant or not, this is not the normal kind of behaviour of a teenager. All the more reason the family need counselling to help them explore the options.

The Princess Bride · 09-05-2012 6:28pm

eviltwin wrote: »

I think we know its not a pup...we have kids, we get it :rolleyes:

You think? I've been working with vulnerable children most of my adult life- most people would be shocked with some of the scenarios I've seen.

Let's be honest here,not everybody who gets pregnant - regardless of age -is cut out for parenting.

bikervamp · 09-05-2012 6:37pm

eviltwin wrote: »

Not everyone gets to do that anyway child or not, not everyone wants it.

well done eviltwin.
Exactly, not everyone does the J1 and all the socializing college kids get to do, I certainly didn't.
I have worked since I was 18 and was constantly reminded of my sisters 'mistake' so I wouldnt go down that road. My sister got pregnant in her teens and she is lucky to have grown up with her daughter. My niece grew close to her nan (my mam of course). My sisters life wasn't ruined. I would love to have children but things aren't working out that way. My mam passed away last year and will never see my kids if it ever happens. People should count their blessings even if in the meantime it looks like life is over. In the eighties shame was a big thing for an unplanned pregnancy and money certainly wasn't abundant. It doesn't matter what others think. It's none of their business. All that matters is the teen gets support and her family are there for her. If she is as wild as she sounds this might be the making of her.
Things happen for a reason so they say. Yes parents expect the very best for their kids but sometimes the best is what destiny has planned.
I really do wish you the best but please do not let this make you ill. Stress is no good and certainly doesnt have the answers.

PS. I know the parents concern is for the welfare of the unborn child and we are only hearing one side of the story. All I think we can do as a forum is wish them the best in whatever decision is made and hopefully some family counselling from a professional will help. The decision can certainly not be made for them here but sharing experiences may bring a little glimmer of hope to the family.

KittyeeTrix · 09-05-2012 7:01pm

[QUOTE=titchy;78585223I never once said her entire life was ruined...confused...

Please reread my posts before you quote youll see I am not saying any decision should be forced/rushed into

In fact Im not saying what decision should be made at all Im just thinking of the op

Yes it wont be the end of the world I actually really do agree there
Yes in several years ive no doubt shell build a great life for herself

BUT the op has a massive task ahead of her and I really want to acknowledge this

I really feel for her,

I repeat the supports this child is going to need are huge and many

I cant imagine having to support financially, emotionally and in every other way parent a 15 year old mother

Can you?

[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry titchy, I didn't mean you were saying her life was ruined.

I was just pointing out that of course everyone here knows the mother of this teenager should have a lot of input into the decisions being made but just to tread carefully and not force her into decisions that may be later regretted...

I too could not imagine having to support a teenager through pregnancy and young motherhood but at the same time I couldn't act in a way that would make my daughter do something she may later bitterly regret.

I'm not saying adoption or abortion aren't the answers in this case, I'm just saying to cover all the options if possible before any action is taken:)

bikervamp · 09-05-2012 7:13pm

I realize the kid is neither a pup nor a college student who hasn't done her leaving cert yet.
Just sharing concern and a story, that's all. Not offering the definitive answer.
I merely mentioned the college bit through a previous quote. And no, the difference isn't really that 'monumental'. We are talking about a child here, a fifteen year old who is has become out of hand. If anyone here claims to have 'the answer' well fair play to them.
Again, people are only offering stories and what little advice they can offer. That's all. Best of luck OP and family.

titchy · 09-05-2012 7:17pm

KittyeeTrix wrote: »

[QUOTE=titchy;78585223I never once said her entire life was ruined...confused...

Please reread my posts before you quote youll see I am not saying any decision should be forced/rushed into

In fact Im not saying what decision should be made at all Im just thinking of the op

Yes it wont be the end of the world I actually really do agree there
Yes in several years ive no doubt shell build a great life for herself

BUT the op has a massive task ahead of her and I really want to acknowledge this

I really feel for her,

I repeat the supports this child is going to need are huge and many

I cant imagine having to support financially, emotionally and in every other way parent a 15 year old mother

Can you?

I'm sorry titchy, I didn't mean you were saying her life was ruined.

I was just pointing out that of course everyone here knows the mother of this teenager should have a lot of input into the decisions being made but just to tread carefully and not force her into decisions that may be later regretted...

I too could not imagine having to support a teenager through pregnancy and young motherhood but at the same time I couldn't act in a way that would make my daughter do something she may later bitterly regret.

I'm not saying adoption or abortion aren't the answers in this case, I'm just saying to cover all the options if possible before any action is taken:)[/Quote]

Your right in what your saying.

And sorry if I was defensive,

If its this emotional here I cant imagine what op house is like!

Sorry on phone so cant see who wrote it but I second what was said about the forum being a support for the OP

Its been five days since you posted and I sincerely
Hope that your daughter and yourself have gotten some help advice and maybe even an inch of common ground?

Ps it was bikervamp well said too we can all only offer anecdotes, and concern best wishes

lukesmom · 09-05-2012 7:28pm

I got pregnant very young and an abortion was recommended to me. However I chose not to go down that road and had my son. It wasn't easy though. I'm not going to lie an say it was the making of me or it was the best thing that ever happened me. Don't get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart but I wish I had of waited at least 10 years until I was mature enough and had done all the things my friends were doing. And I don't buy the bs that people say that you can still do everything your friends do. You can do some, but not everything. Because everything changes. You have to grow up at full speed at mature beyond the natural growth of maturity. Its great bringing new life into the world but in my opinion its hard at any age but as a teenager its bloody near impossible. You need a brilliant support network at home. So you need to ask yourself are you prepared to do most of the looking after this child if your own child stays at school? Are you going to spend money on this child if the father is not revealed? If the answer is yes and your daughter wants to keep her baby then fine but if you have any doubts you will need to iron them out now as my own parents thought they were nearly finished rearing kids until I revealed I was pregnant and they felt like they were starting all over again.

eviltwin · 09-05-2012 7:30pm

Touch wood it all works out. Sometimes when you are in the middle of the situation it can seem like the worst thing in the world. Time and the right help and support for everyone will hopefully help everyone see things more clearly and point you all in the right direction.

Best of luck to you all xx

09-05-2012 7:37pm

Support your daughter. She needs you now more than ever. Forget what other people think. Your daughter will only communicate with you if she trusts you. Do not be angry with her. It will do no good. Help her. Guide her. Tell her it will be ok. It is your grandchild that she is carrying and I guarantee you the second you lay eyes on that baby it will be the love of your life.

hattoncracker · 09-05-2012 8:39pm

OP, I know this is not what you dreamed of for your daughter, I'm sorry for the loss of the possibilities for her that you dreamed of.

I read in your post that she has been lashing out and behaving badly the past couple of years.. Do you know have an idea as to why? If you can figure that out and work through it before the baby is born it might help you both bond, and then you can work on your relationship with eachother. At the moment that is the most important thing. F**k the baby daddy, f**k the extended family and their 'tutting', and focus on helping your daughter. Let her see that you are willing to support her and that helping her through whatever decision she makes is your first priority, this is a good chance for you two to get your relationship back on track and maybe bring you closer than ever, which will make it easier for her to confide in you.

argosy2006 · 09-05-2012 8:49pm

Can't you just raise kid as your son or daughter,
You really telling me your kicking her out to raise kid?
No,
Exactly,

team fop · 09-05-2012 8:53pm

Ok first of all I would like to thank each and every poster for your honesty and support! I have been blown away. But it has made me realise this situation is not abnormal in today's society. I would just like to clarify a few things in reply to posts. My family are disgusted this has happened as we all know my daughter is extremely vulnerable and immature. As msthe80's pointed out "we are not dealing with the average 15year old". I love the bones of my daughter as much as she hates me (normal teenage attitude

) but I am do scared about where we go from here. She is refusing to talk to a third party, we have been in family therapy for over a year and she refuses to engage.. I continue to attend in the hope that 1day she will change her mind. She also refuses to engage with a psychologist.
I have never asked her to have an abortion or consider adoption, I am trying to get her to open up and see the bigger picture. I go some paperwork from positive options so maybe she will eventually contact them herself..til then I'll keep trying.
I would also like to say well done to all you young mothers out there who have made it, well done to Lola92. I know what your talking about. I have finally finished a 4year honors degree..just putting together my thesis while trying to deal with all of this. I have a full-time dream job starting in July, and now I'm in the dreadful predicament as to what to do. Do I give up my chance to give my family the financial stability we have always dreamed of, to be a stay at home 34year old grandmother as Sleepy said??? As for the father, mystery solved. He's a scumbag(excuse the term..angry again) who has fecked off to another county

hattoncracker · 09-05-2012 8:55pm

argosy2006 wrote: »

Can't you just raise kid as your son or daughter,
You really telling me your kicking her out to raise kid?
No,
Exactly,

Em.. I'm having a bit of trouble understanding what you're saying here.. If it's that you think the OP should just raise her grandchild as her own and pretend then that's an awful idea.

argosy2006 · 09-05-2012 8:56pm

team fop wrote: »

Ok first of all I would like to thank each and every poster for your honesty and support! I have been blown away. But it has made me realise this situation is not abnormal in today's society. I would just like to clarify a few things in reply to posts. My family are disgusted this has happened as we all know my daughter is extremely vulnerable and immature. As msthe80's pointed out "we are not dealing with the average 15year old". I love the bones of my daughter as much as she hates me (normal teenage attitude ) but I am do scared about where we go from here. She is refusing to talk to a third party, we have been in family therapy for over a year and she refuses to engage.. I continue to attend in the hope that 1day she will change her mind. She also refuses to engage with a psychologist.
I have never asked her to have an abortion or consider adoption, I am trying to get her to open up and see the bigger picture. I go some paperwork from positive options so maybe she will eventually contact them herself..til then I'll keep trying.
I would also like to say well done to all you young mothers out there who have made it, well done to Lola92. I know what your talking about. I have finally finished a 4year honors degree..just putting together my thesis while trying to deal with all of this. I have a full-time dream job starting in July, and now I'm in the dreadful predicament as to what to do. Do I give up my chance to give my family the financial stability we have always dreamed of, to be a stay at home 34year old grandmother as Sleepy said??? As for the father, mystery solved. He's a scumbag(excuse the term..angry again) who has fecked off to another county

Fecked off to another country? He's a man then, Not some 14 years old boy,?

argosy2006 · 09-05-2012 9:00pm

hattoncracker wrote: »

Em.. I'm having a bit of trouble understanding what you're saying here.. If it's that you think the OP should just raise her grandchild as her own and pretend then that's an awful idea.

Its what will happen, Parents left holding the daughters baby,
You really believe they will abandon her,NOt help,
Helping then becomes more, and before you know it, daughter is out enjoying life and parents are at home with kid,
Or worse case it happens again,'' as first time was not so bad''
So could arrive home pregnant again at 17,
Worse case of course,

hattoncracker · 09-05-2012 9:06pm

argosy2006 wrote: »

Its what will happen, Parents left holding the daughters baby,
You really believe they will abandon her,NOt help,
Helping then becomes more, and before you know it, daughter is out enjoying life and parents are at home with kid,
Or worse case it happens again,'' as first time was not so bad''
So could arrive home pregnant again at 17,
Worse case of course,

So how many pregnant teenage daughters do you have, speaking from what must be experience to make such a generalised statement.

hattoncracker · 09-05-2012 9:10pm

team fop wrote: »

Ok first of all I would like to thank each and every poster for your honesty and support! I have been blown away. But it has made me realise this situation is not abnormal in today's society. I would just like to clarify a few things in reply to posts. My family are disgusted this has happened as we all know my daughter is extremely vulnerable and immature. As msthe80's pointed out "we are not dealing with the average 15year old". I love the bones of my daughter as much as she hates me (normal teenage attitude ) but I am do scared about where we go from here. She is refusing to talk to a third party, we have been in family therapy for over a year and she refuses to engage.. I continue to attend in the hope that 1day she will change her mind. She also refuses to engage with a psychologist.
I have never asked her to have an abortion or consider adoption, I am trying to get her to open up and see the bigger picture. I go some paperwork from positive options so maybe she will eventually contact them herself..til then I'll keep trying.
I would also like to say well done to all you young mothers out there who have made it, well done to Lola92. I know what your talking about. I have finally finished a 4year honors degree..just putting together my thesis while trying to deal with all of this. I have a full-time dream job starting in July, and now I'm in the dreadful predicament as to what to do. Do I give up my chance to give my family the financial stability we have always dreamed of, to be a stay at home 34year old grandmother as Sleepy said??? As for the father, mystery solved. He's a scumbag(excuse the term..angry again) who has fecked off to another county

OP, this is just absolutely awful for you. But you've worked really hard and fair play to you for getting your degree. Your daughter reminds me of my sister when she was younger, she had very similar behaviour to your daughter. Have you tried to get her talking to a counsellor on her own? If it's family therapy you're in maybe there are things she would rather say without you in the room? It really helped my sister.

titchy · 09-05-2012 9:38pm

hattoncracker wrote: »

team fop wrote: »

Ok first of all I would like to thank each and every poster for your honesty and support! I have been blown away. But it has made me realise this situation is not abnormal in today's society. I would just like to clarify a few things in reply to posts. My family are disgusted this has happened as we all know my daughter is extremely vulnerable and immature. As msthe80's pointed out "we are not dealing with the average 15year old". I love the bones of my daughter as much as she hates me (normal teenage attitude ) but I am do scared about where we go from here. She is refusing to talk to a third party, we have been in family therapy for over a year and she refuses to engage.. I continue to attend in the hope that 1day she will change her mind. She also refuses to engage with a psychologist.
I have never asked her to have an abortion or consider adoption, I am trying to get her to open up and see the bigger picture. I go some paperwork from positive options so maybe she will eventually contact them herself..til then I'll keep trying.
I would also like to say well done to all you young mothers out there who have made it, well done to Lola92. I know what your talking about. I have finally finished a 4year honors degree..just putting together my thesis while trying to deal with all of this. I have a full-time dream job starting in July, and now I'm in the dreadful predicament as to what to do. Do I give up my chance to give my family the financial stability we have always dreamed of, to be a stay at home 34year old grandmother as Sleepy said??? As for the father, mystery solved. He's a scumbag(excuse the term..angry again) who has fecked off to another county

OP, your doing amazing, for what its worth ide say dont make any rash decisions about your new career plans youve obviously worked so hard for!

And dont mind small minded people, unless someone has something constructive to add like actual offers of help dont give them your time,

Again for what its worth ide wonder has your daughter not realised the full extent and consequences of her situation?

Perhaps as someone said one to one counselling might help. She might be more willing to listen to the truth from an unbiased 3rd party then she may talk to you about what she wants, and in turn you to tell her what exactly you are and not willing to help her with.

Best wishes for you and your family, thinking of you all

team fop · 09-05-2012 9:39pm

We have tried numerous councellors! Professionals are baffled by her, I'm often told I deserve a medal..I don't want a medal, I just want a somewhat normal relationship with my daughter. There's not a day that goes by where me and her dad don't tell her We love her or stop trying. I always had it in my head that someday she will be ashamed at the way she treats us, but at least she would know I never gave up on her. But this a nightmare , I am at the end of my tether! And the dad isn't a man, he's a 17year old boy who is a member of the travelling community..that has just crushed me further, how in gods name do u deal with that! I know she's very angry and I'm doing my best to push my angry away and be strong for her, but it's getting really hard now with that news

Teenage daughter pregnant

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