One-Liner Jokes

folan · 20-08-2010 10:02am

My girlfriend is so bad in bed, I close my eyes and pretend she's my hand

CommonNameDave · 24-08-2010 1:18pm

What did the prostitute say when she got out of the psychiatrists shower?
.
.
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Well, that's another load off of my chest!

stateofflux · 26-08-2010 11:38am

couple of bob monkhouse gems..

"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers."

"I can still enjoy sex at 74 - I live at 75, so it's no distance. "

keano_afc · 27-08-2010 2:08pm

I just rang the council to complain about the size of my wheelie bin. You couldnt swing a cat in it.

Penn · 27-08-2010 2:12pm

I'd love to do an Iron Man Triathalon. I think I'd be alright at the running, just not sure about the flying and shooting lasers

Brendog · 27-08-2010 3:27pm

"I was working late in the Carphone warehouse last night when my daughter text me."

"Dadthespacebuttononmyphoneisfaultypleasecomehomeandgivemeanalternative."

"As I sped home I couldn't help but think.......What the hell does 'ternative' mean??"

MonkieSocks · 30-08-2010 4:38pm

What do Gynaecologist and a Pizza Delivery Boy have in common?

They're both close enough to smell it but could get fired for eating it.

jc77 · 31-08-2010 7:57pm

Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?

It's boring.

Carra23 · 02-09-2010 4:43pm

You were so ugly as a kid, your Ma had to tie a pork chop round yer kneck so the dog would play with ye

sensibleken · 03-09-2010 9:48am

Why did god invent dominos pizza?

To punish humanity for its complacency in allowing the holocaust to happen

-Neil Hamburger, last night

bemak · 03-09-2010 1:16pm

A black man approached me and said, "Can you tell me how to get to the train station, please?"

I said, "Certainly, monkey face. You go past the jerk chicken, around the grape soda and, Muhammad's your cotton-picker, it's opposite the watermelon."

As I lay here in hospital, I'm thinking to myself, "That's the last time I eat those ****ing Rowntree's Randoms!"

D_murph · 05-09-2010 10:43pm

What did the epileptic Scotsman get for Christmas?

A Wii fit!!

ilovelamp2000 · 12-09-2010 11:24pm

What do you get when you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip ?

Killed in a tunnel.

MonkieSocks · 13-09-2010 10:15am

I remember watching Wayne Rooney in the world cup and thinking, you fat head you couldn’t score in a brothel.

Just shows how much I know about football.

patmac · 13-09-2010 10:58am

My mother-in-law was killed in an horrific accident involving the washing machine, ah well at least she died in comfort!

MonkieSocks · 13-09-2010 12:04pm

I was in a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.

The question was where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa.

________________________

One of the other questions was to name two things commonly found in cells.

It appears that Northsiders and Pikeys is not the correct answer

fred funk }{ · 13-09-2010 11:09pm

I was busy having sex with the wife when I felt a tap on my shoulder.I hate ****ing in the bath.

MonkieSocks · 15-09-2010 10:22am

I recently suggested to my wife that she try masturbating with fruit.

She went fookin bananas.

admiralofthefleet · 15-09-2010 2:20pm

How do you know if someone has an iPhone?

They tell you

gleep · 15-09-2010 2:38pm

There's a new diet sweeping Pakistan

It's called the swimfast diet

Comer1 · 16-09-2010 11:29am

Sadly, a friend of mine committed suiside last week by drinking a tin of varnish.

He had a terrible end but a beautiful finish!

CarrickMcJoe · 16-09-2010 1:58pm

dyslexic gets mixed up between his sleeping tablets and viagra..

Ended up going for 40 ****!

ilovelamp2000 · 19-09-2010 9:19am

I got stopped by a market researcher while out and about, she asked me what grooming products do I currently use.

I told her Haribo and High School Musical usually do the trick.

CarrickMcJoe · 19-09-2010 1:50pm

Goin into B & Q , guy asked me "Do you want decking?"

Just as well I was faster!

Dennis the Stone · 19-09-2010 7:26pm

jc77 wrote: »

Anyone else getting fed up hearing about this big drill that they're using to rescue the trapped miners in Chile?

It's boring.

Tribune:

harbel · 19-09-2010 8:34pm

Cant keep Cork Down!

Podman · 19-09-2010 8:55pm

Up Down

MonkieSocks · 20-09-2010 4:34pm

Me and my wife's favourite sexual position is called the "Man City in Europe."

Neither of us know what we are doing or why we are there, there's no passion, no communication and we never make it past the first stage.

There's dribbling and never a clean sheet, it's over far too quickly and when it does end I know it will be at least another fookin year before it happens again.

P.S.

If you are "City till you die" there are clinics for that these days in Switzerland!

MonkieSocks · 21-09-2010 10:20am

A big well done and congratulations to my missus for managing the amazing feat of getting a black belt in cookery.

The only woman on Facebook that can kill a man with one chop!

MonkieSocks · 21-09-2010 3:15pm

Last night, my missus rubbed Coffee Granules all over my c*ck...

... I came in an instant.

One-Liner Jokes

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