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We need to create a new bible

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  • 02-05-2015 11:36pm
    #1
    Cody montana
    Registered Users Posts: 5,236 ✭✭✭


    for the modern world.

    Google: In the beginning Tim Berners-Lee created the internet. Now the webworld was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the mouse.

    This may shape the world for the next Millennium, so people don't act the gomeen.


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    #2
    YFlyer
    Registered Users Posts: 9,717 ✭✭✭YFlyer


    There is always new books wrote.


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    #3
    4zn76tysfajdxp
    Closed Accounts Posts: 27,944 ✭✭✭✭4zn76tysfajdxp


    There your mother lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.


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    #4
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    And the Good Lord said

    Let all gomeens be banished from this earth


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    #5
    LadyAthame
    Closed Accounts Posts: 793 ✭✭✭LadyAthame


    Be excellent to each other and rock on.


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    #6
    The King of Moo
    Registered Users Posts: 8,207 ✭✭✭The King of Moo


    #YOLT


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    #7
    Mr_Muffin
    Registered Users Posts: 917 ✭✭✭Mr_Muffin


    We need to get rid of the existing one.


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    #8
    uck51js9zml2yt
    Closed Accounts Posts: 18,268 ✭✭✭✭uck51js9zml2yt


    Cody montana wrote: »
    for the modern world.

    Google: In the beginning Tim Berners-Lee created the internet. Now the webworld was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the mouse.

    This may shape the world for the next Millennium, so people don't act the gomeen.

    Think you meant the person on TBL.

    Dont worry op. You've a bestseller in the making :)


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    #9
    Sheep Lover
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,730 ✭✭✭Sheep Lover


    And the Lord said "Can I have 4 sambucas and a packet of scampi, please!?"


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    #10
    HardenendMan
    Registered Users Posts: 583 ✭✭✭HardenendMan


    I'm still waiting for the devil to bring out his book. We have only heard gods side of the story so far.

    (Stolen from Jim Jefferies)


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    #11
    frag420
    Registered Users Posts: 6,158 ✭✭✭frag420


    Amen


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    #12
    Cody montana
    Registered Users Posts: 5,236 ✭✭✭Cody montana


    The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not Baaaaa.


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    #13
    Banjo String
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,380 ✭✭✭✭Banjo String


    In the beginning....


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s3nEAmt5AZ8


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    #14
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    History of Religions Thence:

    There were many false idols; that proposed by the cult of Christianity became outdated and dwindled in popularity because of the apparent neurotoxicity of the teachings. In the end, melting the brains of its followers and turning them into 'mushroom people' who could survive in the real world no longer, the Christians were force-fed sh1t and kept in the dark, the life they were most comfortable with.

    The cult of Scientology was similarly successful in its apparent attempt to collect followers like particularly deep-pocketed rare pogs. However, these worshippers died en masse of toxic shock in the great electricity failure of 2016, when their bodies gave up due to deprivation of tiny releases of dopamine through tin cans, which they had been used to and could no longer live without.

    The other religions embraced their collective unity and formed one supergroup, Musbudjudu. However, all their former followers thought they were only in it for the money and none of their contemporary work was as good as the Old Testament anyway and left on a Jefferson Starship for the planet Fairy King.


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    #15
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    Chloris wrote: »
    History of Religions Thence:

    There were many false idols; that proposed by the cult of Christianity became outdated and dwindled in popularity because of the apparent neurotoxicity of the teachings. In the end, melting the brains of its followers and turning them into 'mushroom people' who could survive in the real world no longer, the Christians were force-fed sh1t and kept in the dark, the life they were most comfortable with.

    The cult of Scientology was similarly successful in its apparent attempt to collect followers like particularly deep-pocketed rare pogs. However, these worshippers died en masse of toxic shock in the great electricity failure of 2016, when their bodies gave up due to deprivation of tiny releases of dopamine through tin cans, which they had been used to and could no longer live without.

    The other religions embraced their collective unity and formed one supergroup, Musbudjudu. However, all their former followers thought they were only in it for the money and none of their contemporary work was as good as the Old Testament anyway and left on a Jefferson Starship for the planet Fairy King.

    Sorry not enough pages in the book for all that


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    #16
    Adamantium
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,563 ✭✭✭Adamantium


    If people actually decided en masse to follow the ten commandments of the first one, we wouldn't have to make a new one.

    Why make a new one, when everyone will ignore and pick and choose from that one too.


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    #17
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    lulu1 wrote:
    Sorry not enough pages in the book for all that
    sry 4 inconvnence ill stik to monosylabik unpunctuated word lists n futur


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    #18
    degsie
    Registered Users Posts: 8,738 ✭✭✭degsie


    Let's call it The Bibble.


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    #19
    Chloris
    Closed Accounts Posts: 535 ✭✭✭Chloris


    Ah f, no text speak allowed. I can't edit my post on the app. Maybe we should add that to the Bible.

    Text speak was widely condemned in the new world, as was doublethink and any comedy movies without Seth Rogan and Judd Apatow's involvement.


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    #20
    MistyCheese
    Registered Users Posts: 4,005 ✭✭✭MistyCheese


    Thou shalt not be a dick


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    #21
    riffmongous
    Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 12,629 Mod ✭✭✭✭riffmongous


    Let he who was the recipient of no social welfare cast the first rant


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    #22
    EoghanIRL
    Registered Users Posts: 4,080 ✭✭✭EoghanIRL


    -For the Flying Spaghetti Monster so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting pasta.
    Sphagetti 3:16


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    #23
    lulu1
    Registered Users Posts: 1,815 ✭✭✭lulu1


    Let he with a bed to go to. Go to it now.

    Chapter 7 Verse 299


    Goodnight.


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    #24
    DakarVert
    Registered Users Posts: 687 ✭✭✭DakarVert


    I'v always wondered if the bible was written by some mad lad as a story.

    Like someone finding the Harry Potter series in a few thousand years and basing a religion on that, believing the books were an account of what happened in that time.


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    #25
    bnt
    Registered Users Posts: 12,959 ✭✭✭✭bnt


    DakarVert wrote: »
    I'v always wondered if the bible was written by some mad lad as a story.

    Like someone finding the Harry Potter series in a few thousand years and basing a religion on that, believing the books were an account of what happened in that time.
    That's the Koran you're thinking of there. The Judeo-Christian Bible is generally agreed to have had many authors, none of whom agreed with any of the others.

    From out there on the moon, international politics look so petty. You want to grab a politician by the scruff of the neck and drag him a quarter of a million miles out and say, ‘Look at that, you son of a bitch’.

    — Edgar Mitchell, Apollo 14 Astronaut



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    #26
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Is there any way that the happy guy who writes this one does NOT say "I hope no one cums before me?" :)

    The first couple of commandments would read better in that light :)


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    #27
    DEFTLEFTHAND
    Registered Users Posts: 16,500 ✭✭✭✭DEFTLEFTHAND


    Nasty negative condescending weird bearded people go to hell and serve as Beelzebub's bitch.

    The righteous ascend to heaven and listen to Rory Gallagher and Jimi Hendrix live in session and drink pints of G direct from the taps of St Jame's Gate.


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    #28
    Ruu
    Closed Accounts Posts: 9,622 ✭✭✭Ruu


    Smite the trolls he said, and they were smitten!


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    #29
    Lyaiera
    Registered Users Posts: 5,818 ✭✭✭Lyaiera


    And the precocious young upstart did sit with the elderly agricultural men who debated the blight and the young teen spoke as one of them. "Did my father not say that the man who arranges his time for solitary hand shuffle Nivea action shall suffer his potatoes to turn to mush?" And the wizened men were shocked at the wisdom with which the young man did speak. So the most elder of the assembled did turn to young prophet and announced a solemn vow, "Shut up ye fool or I'll boot yer hole. Yer father's a prick and thicker than marmalade..."


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    #30
    ardmacha
    Registered Users Posts: 7,476 ✭✭✭ardmacha


    Beware ye of the forums of evil, first amongst which is the boards.ie. Any man who luxuriates in this evil will have his gonads wither like a nettle exposed to Round-Up,while she who loiters there will assume the popularity of Twink.


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    #31
    UCDVet
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,894 ✭✭✭UCDVet


    Adamantium wrote: »
    If people actually decided en masse to follow the ten commandments of the first one, we wouldn't have to make a new one.

    Why make a new one, when everyone will ignore and pick and choose from that one too.

    Seriously? They seem ridiculous to me. The first three are strictly to perpetuate the religion. I am the lord thy God/ no other gods / no making graven images / don't take the name of the lord in vain.

    We've got a list of 10 rules and we're going to waste three of them on making sure you get your religion right.

    We only have one rule against murder, but THREE about God (depending on which list of 10 commandments you're using).

    Then we've got one about keeping the Sabbath holy. I mean, we're putting MURDER on the same level as going to work on Sunday. For a perfect book describing perfect rules from a perfect God that seems pretty retarded.

    Honour thy mother and father....sure hey, that's nice to see.

    Then we've the 'covetting' - either 1 or 2 commandments, depending on which bible we're talking about.

    I'm not a biblical scholar, but I have covetted things. I do it all the time. I don't consider it a negative thing in the slightest. It motivates us, inspires us, encourages us.

    The bible says:
    Every one who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart

    I mean, wow. Okay, I get that a theme of the bible is 'we are all sinners' but the commandments aren't weighted. We just have 10 of them. No reason to assume they aren't equally valued by God.

    Looking at an attractive girl is as much a sin as not listening to my Mother as is MURDERING someone as is going to work on Sunday as is STEALING EVERYTHING YOU OWN.

    That's insane.


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