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boyfriend watching porn

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  • 12-04-2015 7:53pm
    #1
    nashipear
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 25 ✭


    So I'm with my boyfriend about a year, we have a great relationship, great sex life...but for some reason if I'm off doing something and he's browsing the net, he will always go and watch porn, he's not using it to masturbate, most of the time I'm ok with it but other times it really affects my confidence, we have argued over it and last week he told me he would leave because I was trying to control him, should I just end it now or try to get over it????


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    #2
    DukeOfTheSharp
    Registered Users Posts: 307 ✭✭DukeOfTheSharp


    Honestly he's more than likely just watching it to kill some time, some people tend to do that. It really shouldn't be something you two argue about. I mean, have you explained that your confidence is shaken when he watches it sometimes? Maybe tell him that you're not asking him to stop, just to cut back a little bit, just for you?

    Basically, my advice would be this: sit down with him and explain to him how it's making you feel, that you don't want him to stop but maybe cut back and just explain to you why he watches it. Don't take an accusatory tone, don't let your feelings overwhelm your better judgement. What you have to remember is that him watching porn is nothing personal towards you, like you say you've a great sex life, it's just something he does. And, just as another alternative, maybe offer to watch some with him? If you meet him halfway, he might very well meet you halfway.


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    #3
    Jasper_
    Registered Users Posts: 109 ✭✭Jasper_


    I would very much air on the side of trying to get over it.

    I have been in loving relationships and been having sex like its going out of fashion - and still looked at porn fairly regularly. Most men I know do, to varying degrees of course.

    If everything is healthy in your relationship, if your sex life is good and he is treating you with respect then leave him be. Maybe ask him to be a bit more discreet about it though.


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    #4
    Lux23
    Registered Users Posts: 7,134 ✭✭✭Lux23


    It's not like he's watching it instead of sleeping with you. Give him some privacy.


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    #5
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    It sounds odd that he would threaten to leave over porn and makes me wonder if you have tried to control him in other ways?


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    #6
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Maybe if influences the sex you do have, sometimes people who watch porn a lot end up having porn style sex rather than loving in a relationship sex.


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    #7
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    gsi300024v wrote: »
    Maybe if influences the sex you do have, sometimes people who watch porn a lot end up having porn style sex rather than loving in a relationship sex.

    The thing is that I've tried positions and tips I picked up from watching porn and usually the response is that it's fantastic. Instead of being offended, the OP should consider watching porn with her fella. Even saying things like, "let's try that!" Also "porn sex" is still real sex and while a lot of it is over exaggerated, it still is legitimate.

    However if they try to stop their fella masturbating, which seems to be part of the problem, then they definitely come across as a control freak. Spoiler: most people masturbate. Men and women. Even in relationships. You can dump this guy, but I can guarantee that the other guy she goes for will watch porn and masturbate too.

    Hell, the op even mentioned how it doesn't affect their sex life and they still have regular sex.


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    #8
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Masturbation doesn't = pprn though, or at least it doesn't have to. I'd sure watch it with him. Just I'd be wondering too if I'd a partner who watched porn alot when they'd 5 mins to spare.
    For sure most men do it, but just because a lot of people do something, this doesn't mean it has no negative consequences. Not saying all porn watch has negative consequences.
    Sex can be amazing from the connection you get with someone not just amazing at the level of how you are physically stimulated.


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    #9
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    gsi300024v wrote: »
    Masturbation doesn't = pprn though, or at least it doesn't have to. I'd sure watch it with him. Just I'd be wondering too if I'd a partner who watched porn alot when they'd 5 mins to spare.
    For sure most men do it, but just because a lot of people do something, this doesn't mean it has no negative consequences. Not saying all porn watch has negative consequences.
    Sex can be amazing from the connection you get with someone not just amazing at the level of how you are physically stimulated.

    But what's to say that the sex you have inspired by porn doesn't have a connection. There isn't one between the two actors because they don't know each other. But you and your partner do. There is already a connection. Trying something new doesn't remove this.

    The OP needs to work on their own self assuredness, because if they did then their partner watching porn wouldn't affect them.

    Porn sex is real sex. Relationship sex, as you put it.

    Also I still would be interested to know if the OP tries to control her fella in other ways, because THAT should be the real issue here.


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    #10
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Porn sex is usually F45King, not saying it's not ok to do this in a relationship, I just think we are becoming too influenced by the sex we see in main stream porn.
    It's shaping what we think we should be doing in bed with our partners. I just see this as having more negatives than positives. That's all, you disagree, and that's fine. I respect your opinion.
    I think OP's reaction is quite common.


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    #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    gsi300024v wrote: »
    Porn sex is usually F45King, not saying it's not ok to do this in a relationship, I just think we are becoming too influenced by the sex we see in main stream porn.
    It's shaping what we think we should be doing in bed with our partners. I just see this as having more negatives than positives. That's all, you disagree, and that's fine. I respect your opinion.
    I think OP's reaction is quite common.

    What are the possible negatives to two consenting adults agreeing to try something new? If anything some of the best sex I've had in a relationship has come from looking at porn and thinking, "that looks fun!"

    We are far too sexually conservative in this country and I absolutely welcome any changes.


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    #12
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    I'm not saying we need to be sexually conservative either. I just think people watch porn and think that is what I should be doing or he/she should be doing with me. Porn seems to be all about the physical side and not much on the emotional side. I'm not saying porn can't be a healthy part of a couples relationship either, it can.


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    #13
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    gsi300024v wrote: »
    I'm not saying we need to be sexually conservative either. I just think people watch porn and think that is what I should be doing or he/she should be doing with me. Porn seems to be all about the physical side and not much on the emotional side. I'm not saying porn can't be a healthy part of a couples relationship either, it can.

    So join in with them. It shouldn't be "it's what he should be doing with me" it should be "it should be what we could do together". Change the way you think and you could have so much fun.


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    #14
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    See I don't want porn telling me or the world how to act. I'm far from held back, my thinking is if both want to try something and no 3rd party gets hurt, sure why not. But we've different opinions, I don't want my sex life to look like a porn clip. That's just me. I want to make my own decisions.


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    #15
    nashipear
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 25 ✭nashipear


    Hi guys, thanks so much for the replies, I don't control him at all, and I understand it's alot to do with my own confidence aswel, I have told him how I feel and he said He willcut down and try only do it when I'm not around, basically it all stems from when I first checked his fone, and found old videos and pictures of an ex, who I know from the town, one video was her pole dancing (I don't feel I need to do that to keep a man) and then on his Internet history saw he had been looking at escorts in the surrounding areas, after that I didn't talk to him, and he proposed to me with tears in his eyes, and told me he was just looking, and that he would never look again, during the fight we had he told me he had slept with a prostitute before to try and get through to me that he was telling the truth, now I really didn't need to know that! So ye...I Want to spend the rest of my life with hiM and we plan for the future but I'm just afraid in however many years I will find out that he has gotten bored of our sex and either cheat or move on to someone else...


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    #16
    nashipear
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 25 ✭nashipear


    This all sounds a bit Jeremy kyle I know...


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    #17
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    nashipear wrote: »
    Hi guys, thanks so much for the replies, I don't control him at all, and I understand it's alot to do with my own confidence aswel, I have told him how I feel and he said He willcut down and try only do it when I'm not around, basically it all stems from when I first checked his fone, and found old videos and pictures of an ex, who I know from the town, one video was her pole dancing (I don't feel I need to do that to keep a man) and then on his Internet history saw he had been looking at escorts in the surrounding areas, after that I didn't talk to him, and he proposed to me with tears in his eyes, and told me he was just looking, and that he would never look again, during the fight we had he told me he had slept with a prostitute before to try and get through to me that he was telling the truth, now I really didn't need to know that! So ye...I Want to spend the rest of my life with hiM and we plan for the future but I'm just afraid in however many years I will find out that he has gotten bored of our sex and either cheat or move on to someone else...


    I'm not sure I'd be staying with him.


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    #18
    hoodwinked
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,175 ✭✭✭hoodwinked


    ok am i getting this straight?

    - you are together a year
    - his hobby of watching porn upset's you but does not interfere with your sex life
    - you argue over this and he in one argument threatens to leave you and in another proposes to you?
    - he thinks you are trying to control him
    - you have checked his phone and internet browsing history
    - he has told you that he has slept with a prostitute (before you dated) and you are not ok with this?
    - you plan for the future while thinking he will cheat or move on to someone else.

    Op from what i can see the answer is quite simple, relationships really don't need this kind of drama,

    as for the porn issue, it's one of those things that divides opinions, some people are fine with it, others are not, nether is "Right" or "Wrong" but what is clear is you and your boyfriend are on opposite sides on this one and you won't agree anytime soon, it is unfair for you to request he stop looking at it especially as it isn't a problem for him, likewise it is unfair to ask you to "put up" with something you are so uncomfortable with.

    it to me seems like you are just not compatible.


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    #19
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Calclor wrote: »
    Do you actually think anyone is suggesting you can'take make your own decisions and you have to copy what you see in port?

    I do not think this.


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    #20
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Op did he look for escorts while with you? That in itself would be a dealbreaker. No wonder you don't trust him. Did you sit down and talk about why he would do that when he has you?
    And the porn, well as one poster says above it really is a personal thing..me personally I can't stay with a man who will look at it whilst in a relationship with me, and that's just my personal preference, just like some people will not date a smoker/drug user. I have my reasons for this (non religious) and any relationship I've been in they know this from early on.
    The thing is you really can't change people I dont think. They have to want to and have valid reasons within themselves to change their behavior. He sees you as trying to control him and that sounds like hes not really willing to listen to your concerns and either give up or compromise for you. It really is your choice what you're willing to put up with and for your own reasons. Be confident and stand by them and dont put up with less than you feel you need and deserve in a relationship. Nobody can tell you not to be hurt or feel betrayed when that's what you feel. Has he been lying about it and hiding it? sometimes it's the constant deceit that is worse than the actual action that hurts you.


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    #21
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    The more I read about this the more I think you should leave. I don't have any particular problem with people watching porn but this guy's relationship with it doesn't sound healthy at all. What I find more alarming is what you posted in your update
    Basically it all stems from when I first checked his phone
    Why were you checking his phone? Is it because you didn't trust him?
    Found old videos and pictures of an ex, who I know from the town, one video was her pole dancing (I don't feel I need to do that to keep a man)
    For starters, keeping old photos and videos of an ex on your phone is disrespectful in my book. Especially if it's one of her pole-dancing. It's one thing to look at a video of some anonymous woman pole-dancing, quite another if it was a woman you went out with and had sex with.
    It's interesting that you're saying you feel you don't need to do that to keep a man. It's as if you're on the back foot already and don't feel that you're interesting or daring enough for him.
    Then on his Internet history saw he had been looking at escorts in the surrounding areas, after that I didn't talk to him, and he proposed to me with tears in his eyes, and told me he was just looking, and that he would never look again
    Again, you're showing that you don't trust him. I don't blame you by the way. Though I'm sure someone is going to come along and lecture you about looking at other people's phones and internet history.
    I don't buy for one second that "just looking" excuse and I don't believe you do either. Then he throws in the world's most insincere marriage(?) proposal, presumably as a way of throwing water on the flames.
    During the fight we had he told me he had slept with a prostitute before to try and get through to me that he was telling the truth, now I really didn't need to know that!
    Oh but I think you really do need to know. I think you've been brushing the red flags under the carpet because you've built up a future with him in your mind. There's just the pesky inconveniences of the frequent, indiscreet porn watching, the searching for escorts, sleeping with a prostitute. You can't assume that it's just the one prostitute he slept with either. People tend to minimise the bad things they've done. He didn't tell you this for your own benefit
    So ye...I want to spend the rest of my life with him and we plan for the future but I'm just afraid in however many years I will find out that he has gotten bored of our sex and either cheat or move on to someone else...

    OK so you want to spend the rest of your life with him but are you 100% sure that it is the right thing to do? In my opinion the porn's the least of your problems. The guy is actively looking up hookers and has demonstrated that he's not above having sex with them. If it was me I'd be gone.


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    #22
    nashipear
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 25 ✭nashipear


    Well to be perfectly honest I just looked at his phone because I'm insecure from a previous relationship, and part of me is just nosey...your making so much sense, if it wasn't for all this it would be perfect, my family and friends always say how we are so perfect together, which we are, I'm going to think today of how I can approach this assertively, then I suppose that's it!


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    #23
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    nashipear wrote: »
    Well to be perfectly honest I just looked at his phone because I'm insecure from a previous relationship, and part of me is just nosey...you're making so much sense, if it wasn't for all this it would be perfect, my family and friends always say how we are so perfect together, which we are, I'm going to think today of how I can approach this assertively, then I suppose that's it!

    I think your family and friends would say something entirely different if they knew what was really going on. Someone who looks up escorts doesn't do so for the pretty pictures. How can you be sure he isn't continuing to have sex with prostitutes?


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    #24
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    In a way it's funny that he's the one complaining about you trying to control him. Really it's the other way around. Because of his "out there, loud and proud" porn usage and telling you about the prostitute, he has you on a sticky wicket. He has told you what he's like basically and you've no grounds for complaint. So either you like it or lump it.


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    #25
    davmol
    Registered Users Posts: 883 ✭✭✭davmol


    Im sure alot of women would rather their lad be knocking one out than down in the local boozer pulling out of some randy oul one.

    99% of lads watch porn and the other 1% are spoofers.


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    #26
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    davmol wrote: »
    Im sure alot of women would rather their lad be knocking one out than down in the local boozer pulling out of some randy oul one.

    99% of lads watch porn and the other 1% are spoofers.

    Lets say we're lads who don't watch porn, and our gf watches a lot of it, would we be ok with it? As in we go out to make tea, pause the movie we watching and they watching porn?
    Men who are in better shape then us, bigger man hood? Would we be grand?


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    #27
    Slutmonkey57b
    Registered Users Posts: 5,558 ✭✭✭Slutmonkey57b


    The porn is not the big issue here, it's the lack of trust, the need to snoop around and the emotional blackmail.

    You're lacking in confidence and trust, which is leading you to do something a healthy person doesn't, snoop around.

    He's got what sound dangerously close to a sex addiction problem if he's incapable of leaving the porn alone for any length of time, or looking at escorts while in a sexually satisfied long term relationship.

    Lastly, he shouldn't manipulate your feelings like he is, and should recognise that making you feel insecure and threatened isn't something a loving partner does.


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    #28
    Mystery Egg
    Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators Posts: 2,580 Mod ✭✭✭✭Mystery Egg


    I have an objection to porn, on a lot of levels.

    It is important to me therefore that my partner would share the same values and it would be a problem for me if he was into porn.

    It's important for the health of any relationship for both partners to agree on issues that are strongly held beliefs for them. To me it would signal that you're wrong for each other.


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    #29
    nashipear
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 25 ✭nashipear


    davmol wrote: »

    99% of lads watch porn and the other 1% are spoofers.

    I've asked guy friends and the ones who are able to hold down a relationship don't watch porn and the friend who said it's OK to watch porn is the one who's the town man slut


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    #30
    nashipear
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 25 ✭nashipear


    My boyfriend also says that^^^^


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    #31
    gsi300024v
    Registered Users Posts: 1,023 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    Not a massive survey there guys. But if I was a in a relationship I'd prefer partner to not watch much porn versus one who watches it everytime i went to make us both a cup of tea.


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