Breakup out of the blue and doesn't make sense

LegacyUser · 20-03-2015 10:19am #1

Hi.

My boyfriend broke up with me the other day. It came completely out of the blue and to be honest I'm still in shock over it. We have been going out for five years and I thought everything was fine. I've been a bit stressed lately but I haven't taken it out on him as far as I can tell.

We have been going out for five years and have a child together too. The other day after I had reached a big deadline he said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore He said that he has been feeling like this for a few weeks but wanted to wait until I had reached this deadline before saying anything because he didn't want to ruin it for me. He said that he wants the freedom of being single but he had all the freedom a single lad has, bar being able to get with other girls. He says he doesn't want other girls he just wants to be able to do things without having to run them past me first.

I never have any problem with him doing his thing. He goes out one night a week with his friends and I have never tried to stop him. He sometimes goes out more than that and never asks me to go and never comes with me on the odd night I go out. He was mentioning a week long event that he wants to go to with one of the lads during the summer and I put up no objections whatsoever. I said that it sounded like it would be a good week for them.

We don't live together because we were saving to apply for a mortgage next year. We thought that it would make more sense to put monthly payments into the bank than paying rent. We only spoke about seriously buying a house together about two months ago. He doesn't pay maintenance, I buy our son's clothes and food. He sometimes will pay for a meal out or the odd Christmas/birthday present for him. He does spend good money on me for Christmas though so he's not stingey.

So he really does have a lot of freedom, considering he was in a serious relationship. I know a lot of you will say that I'm better off without him, and I might be. But I've invested so much in this relationship and I'm struggling to see where things went wrong. I want him back so much but I don't want to be the one to go crawling back and make him think that he can do this to me again. My head is all over the place the past few days.

Tokyo · 20-03-2015 1:14pm

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, and I can understand the mental torture that you are putting yourself through over this - struggling to see where things went wrong - wanting him back, and not wanting to feel like the five years you spent together were wasted.

It's not what you want to hear I know, but unfortuantely, while this breakup might have come out of the blue for you, it's not out of the blue for him, and he's likely been weighing it all up for quite a while now before coming to you with it. I'm not necessarily saying that you need to give up on him, but right now, that is where his head is at, and for now, the only thing you can do is to accept this is happening. And this isn't something that will happen overnight.

Like it or not, you have a child to consider here, so to a certain degree you are going to have to pull yourself together for your child's sake and try to keep your life on track and keep busy and keep moving forward. Spend time with yoru friends and family - it's a huge shock, so let them be there for you and help you through this. And for your child's sake, it's probably best to try and keep on civil terms with your partner - at some stage you are going to have to sit down and discuss his involvement in your child's life, including visitation, maintenance, etc.

I know part of you will always want to linger and think about why all this happened, which won't get you anywhere, but you can't help it and it's OK to feel that way. But at some stage try to take solace in the fact that your partner told you sooner rather than later. It may seem like it came out of the blue, and it may have, but from the sounds of things your partner was never ready for the kind of commitment you would like, and once he realised it, he backed off. While it hurts now, in the long run you will move on to relationships that are more in line with what you are looking for - on all levels.

jimd2 · 20-03-2015 1:54pm

Sorry to hear that, it sounds as if he has been thinking of this for a while and he just feels too restricted to you.

Has he said anything about how much access he would like to your child and have you thought about how much maintenance that you wll ask him to pay?

LegacyUser · 20-03-2015 3:17pm

Thanks guys. It was very civil, we didn't fight or argue. He struggled to even say it to me. I know I need to stop dwelling on it but it's hard, I just can't get my head around it. We had always spoken about moving in together and he was the one who suggested applying for the mortgage next year.

With regard to visitation, I won't stop him spending time with our boy I'll encourage it. Maintenance will be the tricky part. I'm terrible at asking people for money but I know I'll have to at some stage.

One thing I've just thought of now. I did notice one night that he had left his phone on the pillow when he had gone out of the room for a few minutes that it made a noise that isn't his usual notification noise. Of course I looked down at the phone out of instinct because it was right beside me, I didn't pick it up or touch it or anything because I didn't intend to snoop. I did notice that it was that little flame symbol that I think is for tinder. When he came back in I told him that his phone made an unusual noise and did he want to check it but he said no and changed the subject. Is there any way I can look up profiles on tinder like you can on facebook?

ceadaoin. · 20-03-2015 3:22pm

Maybe I'm too cynical but, in my experience, people don't usually leave a relationship out of the blue like this unless they have someone else lined up or their head has been turned at the very least. It sounds like in his head he has already checked out of the relationship leaving no room for discussion. Making excuses like you being controlling when you say you aren't just makes it easier for him to do this.

Whatever the reason, as said in a post above, you need to discuss the practicalities of maintenance and access. He may want the single life, but he is still a parent and that should come first.

Chemical Byrne · 20-03-2015 4:43pm

I'd second Caedaoin's post. Given the tinder notifications and the sudden breakup I'd be putting my money on him having met someone else. That doesn't necessarily equate to him having cheated though, they may not have had sex or been intimate but just might be thinking of dating and seeing what happens.

Either way, the fact he's leaving means he just isn't happy in the relationship and wants to move on and he has a right to do that.

I would hope though that he will continue to be a good parent to his son and not flake out on him. That would be such a tragedy.
And how is he as a father? From your post I get the impression that he is a bit laxadaisical about it. How do the two of ye share parenting?

Virgil° · 20-03-2015 10:18pm

Is there any way I can look up profiles on tinder like you can on facebook?

Just to point out on this OP. There is literally nothing to be gained from doing the above.

Best case scenario you find nothing and nothing about your situation is any better. Worst case, you find he has already started seeing someone else and nothing changes except a hefty dose of heartache for yourself.

I really think you should come to terms with him being gone and concentrate your energies on feeling better yourself and assuring ,as much as possible, that the break doesn't negatively affect your child.

All the best OP.

catonthewire · 21-03-2015 1:20am

Hi OP, five years is a long time to be with anyone and have the relationship.ended so.abruptly, especialy when you didn't see it coming...

My heart go out to you, thoughts of why, how could he, and is there someone else are naturaly going to be on your mind..
Imagine though if you had of set up home together, then he changed his mind, the effect on you and your child would have been more devastating..
Honestly, this man doesn't appear to be able to deal with a mature relationship, one that includes acting like a partner and Dad...

I know it won't be easy, but don't torture yourself by checking tinder ect, this will only add to your pain...
Lean on your friends and family for support, be there for your child and be good to you...

miss choc · 21-03-2015 6:39am

I am in the same process but married and a longer relationship it was mutual as I was unhappy but it hurts either way when a relationship breaks down like you I knew we has cracks but I was way more in denial and thought we could fix stuff. It will take time I don't have kids but it get support from friends and family it is new for me too so I share your pain. All I want to do is go out and have fun but I know I need to calm down and not go out chatting to guys here and there when I heart isnt in it I need time to heal.
Look after yourself first and your child who is now your main priority.
I am a mixed bag of emotions but I am not too bad with husband as we were both miserable and he just made the brave move to talk about it it was a long time coming I had blinkers on whereas he had this on his mind for months/year.

LegacyUser · 21-03-2015 9:20am

A lot of talk about money and paying his way. Im sure the op might like to consider letting the father have him over for half the time and share the load.

It's funny how ppl are quick to pull the maintenance trigger before looking at what the father might want.

catonthewire · 21-03-2015 10:53am

Longandgirthy wrote: »

I see no evidence that he can't handle a mature relationship, in fact he seemed to handle one well for five years. When you don't feel fully committed to someone or prefer to be single then the best thing to do is to break up, that is the mature decision. OP just make sure he pays his fare share of maintenence towards your child, I know you say you don't like asking for money but it has to be done, he has to pay his share too.

Evidence??...

He is the father of a small child , yet does not pay any maintenance, yet manages to maintain quite an active social life...
Having a child and being in a relationship, whatever the living arrangements requires parents to behave like adults...
IMO this guy wanted the best of both worlds, until he made a decision, the girl is best off without him...

miss choc · 21-03-2015 1:39pm

I agree with op he has a responsibility he cant be just around to do the nice things for his son and not pay his way if he is able to go out socialising and/or wining and dining a future partner he will well able to contribute to his son's life financially. My ex contributes to our mortgage and helps with my 81 yr old mother who lives with me whilst not blood relative he has known her for 15 yrs and hasnt his own mother anymore he would always help out financially for my Mam if I was in trouble that is what a decent guy does. It's not a money thing it's just for this person you should get something financially its his child and you shouldn't have to be scared/awkward asking for money for your son's education, clothes etc

The Lazy Raptor · 21-03-2015 8:52pm

catonthewire wrote: »

Evidence??...

He is the father of a small child , yet does not pay any maintenance, yet manages to maintain quite an active social life...
Having a child and being in a relationship, whatever the living arrangements requires parents to behave like adults...
IMO this guy wanted the best of both worlds, until he made a decision, the girl is best off without him...

He doesn't want to be in the relationship, therefore he made the right decision to end it. OP you need to sit down with your ex and discuss what maintainence needs to be paid.

LegacyUser · 23-03-2015 9:51am

OP here.

Thanks for all of the replies everyone. I completely agree with most of what you've said. I won't stop him seeing our son at all, if he wants him 50% of the time then that's fine by me we'll make arrangements for that. We'll still spend time as a family too.

I'm not going to bring up money just yet. If he starts buying him some clothes and school stuff then I won't broach the subject at all, if not then I'll bring it up. The last thing I want is to take all of his money.

We met up and spoke again yesterday and although I still don't fully understand where it came from I'm beginning to accept it. As long as we stay friends and he's a good dad to our son I should eventually come to terms with it.

Thanks again for the replies, I needed a different perspective on the whole thing.

giggle84 · 23-03-2015 11:42am

alloftheusernamesaretaken wrote: »

I'm not going to bring up money just yet. If he starts buying him some clothes and school stuff then I won't broach the subject at all, if not then I'll bring it up. The last thing I want is to take all of his money. /quote]

Might it be more difficult to bring it up down the line when more time has passed? Could be easier to sit down and agree on money and access all at the same time. Of course you don't want all his money, but the money is not for you it's for your child, so don't let him make out that you're after his money for yourself!! This is his child too and he should pay 50% of the costs of raising his child. You're not being unreasonable to push for that.

Best of luck OP, wish you well.

Sleepless and Manic · 23-03-2015 12:13pm

alloftheusernamesaretaken wrote: »

As long as we stay friends and he's a good dad to our son I should eventually come to terms with it.

SO he lives with his parents, doesnt help with the child and doesnt contribute any cash towards the child either?

And he wants his "freedom"??? To do "what he wants"?

You say you wouldnt object to him looking after the child 50% of the time, but do you really think he may suggest that? Is he looking after the kid 50% of the time now?

I would sort out structured maintenance payments as soon as possible. He could get into another relationship at any moment given his tinder habit and he's proven how responsible he is.

Stench Blossoms · 23-03-2015 12:16pm

Yeh I'd be in agreement with getting the maintenance payments sorted ASAP.

I reckon it might give him the smack of reality he deserves.

catonthewire · 23-03-2015 3:08pm

Honestly I have to agree with the above post 100 percent..

You must sit down together asap and sort out the financial arrangements for your child's future, there are so many aspects of all your futures that must be sorted..
You may even have to consult a solicitor so that in the long term no-one can walk away from their responsibilities..

Your child has two parents, two people who must share the cost and time involved, remember you are also entitled to a life of your own , some me time, so don't worry about upsetting him, find out exactly what your child is entitled to..

kylith · 23-03-2015 3:17pm

I am absolutely gobsmacked that he's not paying any maintenance towards his child as it is. Does he mind the child while you're working instead?

TBH, it sounds like you're better off without him.

Chemical Byrne · 23-03-2015 3:32pm

OP you never say how he is as a parent, just in general like?

A grown man who abandons his child to go "on de pizz wit de boiz" is nothing short of pathetic.

DeltaWhite · 23-03-2015 3:48pm

Op, hope you dont take this the wrong way, but I think you are being a little bit soft here. I feel that maybe the fact you have only broken up and it was his decision has you feeling obviously upset, but maybe this would be the perfect time for you to tell him what arrangement you would like for your child and see if he agrees.

It's really not fair to have you footing the bill for everything. You seem a bit soft and there's not a whole lot wrong with that except people take advantage of others who they consider "soft"... just something to keep in mind? An agreement of childcare must be made between you both 100%. A child is the equal responsibility of BOTH parents!

keysersoze0330 · 23-03-2015 4:39pm

I'm wondering who was going to be footing the mortgage if it had materialised. Might be as well off away OP. Also prepare for him coming back with his tail between his legs, when he realises the grass isn't always greener. Stay strong for yourself and your child.

ceadaoin. · 23-03-2015 7:41pm

alloftheusernamesaretaken wrote: »

I'm not going to bring up money just yet. If he starts buying him some clothes and school stuff then I won't broach the subject at all, if not then I'll bring it up. The last thing I want is to take all of his money.

No one is suggesting that you take all his money, just that you ensure he contributes towards the raising of his child. I know it's a lot to take in but you should get out of that mindset if you don't want to be walked all over. Buying a few things for school does not equate to providing equally for your child. If your son lives with you, you will be paying for all the food, most clothes, shoes, medical bills, and activities every single month, not just when school starts. It's not unreasonable to ask him to contribute towards these expenses.

So he will have a few less euros to spend going out with his mates. Not your problem. Have you always paid for everything even when you were together? It seems from your posts that you lived apart.

Stench Blossoms · 23-03-2015 7:46pm

The going rate is usually 50-75 (max is 150) per child, per week.

I've a terrible feeling that when he realises he's going to have to actually now pay for his own child and won't have as much money to go out 'with the lads' he might reconsider your relationship.

Do not take him back.

Sleepless and Manic · 24-03-2015 10:12pm

Cetesoon wrote: »

Well he would have to probably pay more than that per week in the relationship so I can't see finances motivating him to return.

OP said he dosent live with them and he doesnt pay maintenance now. He just buys the odd meal out now and again.

Breakup out of the blue and doesn't make sense

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