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Future for my wife and I

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  • 19-01-2015 12:44pm
    #1
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭


    My wife and I are married 8 years and have a beautiful 6 year old daughter.
    Our daughter has eczema which flares up occasionally and causes my wife, who is a great mother who works full time to become exhausted.
    Having said that for large parts of the year there are no problems.
    6 years ago when she was born I was under a lot of pressure at work, with unreasonable demands and an overbearing manager. I had to work some evenings until 9 just to keep my head above water. Twice I decided I had had enough and told a friend I was leaving but I reconsidered because of my new family eventhough I knew I could get another job quite easily. The recession was in full swing though and my mindset was "batten down the hatches and get through the other side".
    To do this for my family I had to ensure I got a full night's sleep, at least initially, particularly that I have mild epilepsy.
    Now 6 years on, things are great financially, we love our daughter and she's getting stronger. But my wife and I have had no sex in 4 years, never go out, are over 40 and she thinks it's strange that I bring up the possibility of another child.
    I have been patient with this and will go into this more in future posts.


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    #2
    macyard
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 380 ✭✭macyard


    She is right about the kid trying for one after 39 is too risky and you are the plus side of 40, you had your chance and let it slip by, love the one you have already.

    On the sex bring it up if she doesn't want to reciprocate not much you can do, go get some on the side you have needs, never tell her and it does not mean you love her less


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    #3
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    What was your sex life before the child came along?

    It sounds like an awful lot of things came together and put stress on your wife around the time your daughter was born. The eczema, trying to work full time and be a mum, financial worries, you being unhappy in that job. I wonder is her refusing to have sex to do with a fear of pregnancy? It may be her subconscious way of stopping herself from having another child. If your wife's in or around the same age as you, I don't blame her for not wanting to risk having another child. No matter what, having a child in your late thirties onwards is a risky thing to do. That is, if she manages to get pregnant at all. She obviously feels her family's complete and may think she has enough on her plate as it is.

    All I can suggest is for you to stop pestering her regarding having another child and sort your other issues. If you and her can't sit down and have a conversation about what's going on, would you consider marriage counselling?


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    #4
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    macyard wrote: »
    She is right about the kid trying for one after 39 is too risky and you are the plus side of 40, you had your chance and let it slip by, love the one you have already.

    On the sex bring it up if she doesn't want to reciprocate not much you can do, go get some on the side you have needs, never tell her and it does not mean you love her less

    She never said it was too risky. She is nearly 41. Why is there no chance?
    I'm always home from work on time and spend time with our daughters lot.
    Don't think it's really an option to start going out looking for extra-marital sex


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    #5
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Maybe she didn't say it was too risky but you'd be a fool to think the thoughts haven't crossed her mind.

    From http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1013991/getting-pregnant-in-your-40s
    If you do conceive, you are more likely to need extra care during your pregnancy. So most of the cons below are to do with health rather than lifestyle.

    If you do develop health problems, your doctor will classify your pregnancy as high risk. This may sound alarming. But what it means is you'll get the care you need to ensure you and your unborn baby stay as well as possible.

    You're twice as likely as a younger woman to experience:

    gestational diabetes
    pre-eclampsia
    high blood pressure
    placenta praevia (low-lying placenta)
    placental abruption, where the placenta comes away from the uterus (womb) wall

    The birth experience for women over 40 may be harder too. You're more likely to have:

    a caesarean section
    your baby presenting in an awkward position at birth
    your baby being born with a low birth weight
    your baby being born too soon

    The odds of chromosomal problems also jump as you get older. About one in 200 babies born to women aged 40 or over have Down's syndrome. This compares with one in 700 babies born with mums aged 35 to 39, and one in 1,500 babies born to mums aged 20 to 24.

    All women are offered screening tests in pregnancy for genetic conditions, such as Down's syndrome. Your age will be factored in to the result to give you a risk of your baby having a problem. So you may find that diagnostic tests, such as amniocentesis or chorionic villus sampling are suggested, to check for chromosomal problems.

    Sadly, the increased change of chromosomal problems also increases the likelihood of miscarriage. Half of all pregnant women aged 42 experience miscarriage. This disheartening figure rises to three quarters for women aged 45 years or more.


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    #6
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Also, seeing as she's not having sex with you, maybe she's not happy in the marriage? She might not want to bring another child into a situation she's not happy with.


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    #7
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    macyard wrote: »
    She is right about the kid trying for one after 39 is too risky and you are the plus side of 40, you had your chance and let it slip by, love the one you have already.

    On the sex bring it up if she doesn't want to reciprocate not much you can do, go get some on the side you have needs, never tell her and it does not mean you love her less

    She never said it was too risky. She is nearly 41. Why is there no chance?
    I'm always home from work on time and spend time with our daughters lot.
    Don't think it's really an option to start going out looking for extra-marital sex.


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    #8
    macyard
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 380 ✭✭macyard


    Borinis_Socks wrote: »
    She never said it was too risky. She is nearly 41. Why is there no chance?
    I'm always home from work on time and spend time with our daughters lot.
    Don't think it's really an option to start going out looking for extra-marital sex

    After 40 the risk of miscarriage and a unhealthy baby are just to high, you had 6 year to have another kid and did not adval of the chance.

    if she doesn't want sex then your options are be celibate or elsewhere, hooker if you have no time or just a mistress if you do have time

    If you want something new to love get a dog or cat for your daughter they cam be like family and will help teach your daughter responsibility


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    #9
    dudara
    Registered Users Posts: 33,519 ✭✭✭✭dudara


    What aspects of your relationship have you and your wife discusssed? Never mind not having a child, what about sex and intimacy? What are her thoughts there?


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    #10
    Leo12
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 34 ✭Leo12


    Do not get a mistress or go and visit a prostitute! Omg totally disregard that 'advice'! You need to speak to your wife gently and calmly about your sex life. And please, having a baby after 40 is fraught with dangers, please heed all medical advice above. Your daughter is in school now and I'm sure your wife is enjoying the extra freedom that comes with it, who in their right mind would want to go back to nappies, night feeds and a possible horrendous pregnancy? She is probably avoiding sex because she thinks you want to impregnate her and seeing as she carried the can with your daughter before obviously doesn't want that to happen again. You have a beautiful daughter, be happy with your blessings and please speak to your wife....go out for a nice meal and a few drinks or whatever you did when dating and try and rekindle the spark..Good luck !


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    #11
    macyard
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 380 ✭✭macyard


    Leo12 wrote: »
    Do not get a mistress or go and visit a prostitute! Omg totally disregard that 'advice'! You need to speak to your wife gently and calmly about your sex life. And please, having a baby after 40 is fraught with dangers, please heed all medical advice above. Your daughter is in school now and I'm sure your wife is enjoying the extra freedom that comes with it, who in their right mind would want to go back to nappies, night feeds and a possible horrendous pregnancy? She is probably avoiding sex because she thinks you want to impregnate her and seeing as she carried the can with your daughter before obviously doesn't want that to happen again. You have a beautiful daughter, be happy with your blessings and please speak to your wife....go out for a nice meal and a few drinks or whatever you did when dating and try and rekindle the spark..Good luck !

    Look I am saying try to work it out first but if she doesn't want to have sex you cannot force her, he has needs so a hooker is a good option as he still loves the wife and the hooker is just for sex so there is no chance he will fall in love with her and leave the wife.

    Hooker on the side can strengthen the relationship as it cover his sexual needs and stop him pressuring the wife for something she does not want to do, it will help him not resent the wife and continue to love her.

    Mistress is a bit more risky as there is a chance for him to fall in love and leave his wife and kid, hookers can actually help a marriage if the wife has gone off sex.


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    #12
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Borinis_Socks wrote: »
    will go into this more in future posts.

    Why keep details back if they are going to relate to the advice people give. What exactly are you asking OP? Do you think you should leave your wife because you've had a rough patch? You both work and admit it's been a difficult few years with money, daughters illness causing stress. Why do you mention getting a full nights sleep - was your wife stopping you doing this or was this effecting your relationship with her somehow?

    You say you've been patient but have you actually spoken to your wife about the issue? Have you made an attempt to work on your sex life? Did you just bring up having another kid out of the blue rather then talking about your like of sex life?


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    #13
    Leo12
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 34 ✭Leo12


    OMG I've heard it all now... Prostitutes can help a marriage??? What planet are you on??? There is obviously a marriage in turmoil here with intimacy issues and other things stemming from the past... This couple have no social life, don't go out so are obviously stuck in a rut. The marriage needs to be discussed with the OP and his wife honestly and openly and counselling will help them if that what they decide. They are both still very young with a young daughter so need to work on communication together. If both parties them cannot find common ground after this then yes the marriage is damaged beyond repair. Marriage is tough, the wedding is only the start not the end!


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    #14
    macyard
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 380 ✭✭macyard


    Leo12 wrote: »
    OMG I've heard it all now... Prostitutes can help a marriage??? What planet are you on??? There is obviously a marriage in turmoil here with intimacy issues and other things stemming from the past... This couple have no social life, don't go out so are obviously stuck in a rut. The marriage needs to be discussed with the OP and his wife honestly and openly and counselling will help them if that what they decide. They are both still very young with a young daughter so need to work on communication together. If both parties them cannot find common ground after this then yes the marriage is damaged beyond repair. Marriage is tough, the wedding is only the start not the end!

    The marriage is just not about sex, when a marraige is failing due to just no sex, going elsewhere for the sex is a good idea as it will keep the marriage and family together if there is no issues with that part of the relationship . Or do you think if a woman doesn't want sex it's better to break the family.

    Men can have sexual needs that need to be filled, if the wife doesn't want to the man getting it eslewhere from someone he will never love to keep the marraige and family together is a good option especially for the kids.


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    #15
    Leo12
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 34 ✭Leo12


    Did you not read the OPs original post? The marriage is in a serious rut they have no sociall life his wife doesn't want another child yet is under pressure to have one so the lack of intimacy is obviously a SYMPTON of this .... The op needs to TALK to his wife to resolve things... Your posts smack of ignorance and misogyny....there are TWO people in a marriage and chaining that women will break a marriage due to lack of sex is just pure wrong... I've said it before and will say it again...what happens in the bedroom reflects what's happening outside it ...


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    #16
    Teyla Emmagan
    Registered Users Posts: 5,641 ✭✭✭Teyla Emmagan


    I'm not sure what the relevance of the 'I have to get a full night's sleep' comment is. Are you saying that you weren't on hand to help with night feeds/baby comforting when your daughter was born? And now your wife is working full time and you say the excezma flare ups really wear her out, which sounds like she's the only one dealing with the issue. And you are wondering now why she mightn't want another child? No offence, but it doesn't sound like rocket science to me. She doesn't want to raise another one singlehandedly again!

    I am actually not sure how the two of you are still together reading this. You have't had sex in 4 years and clearly have no notion what the other is thinking/feeling. Age aside, it doesn't sound like a great relationship to bring a new baby into. And what if there was something wrong with the new child (to tie in with the rest of the doom-mongering on this thread), do you really think you'd be able to overcome it?

    If you two are doing that well financially, maybe your wife could drop down to a 4 day week. She sounds like she needs a break. And then you might find she has enough energy and interest in sex again.

    But I really think you two should see a marriage counsellor, and not a gynacologist.


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    #17
    JeffKenna
    Registered Users Posts: 4,535 ✭✭✭JeffKenna


    If I were the OP I would be worried that my wife is cheating on me. 4 years without sex isn't a proper functioning marriage. Maybe try and keep and eye out for possible signs?


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    #18
    macyard
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 380 ✭✭macyard


    Leo12 wrote: »
    Did you not read the OPs original post? The marriage is in a serious rut they have no sociall life his wife doesn't want another child yet is under pressure to have one so the lack of intimacy is obviously a SYMPTON of this .... The op needs to TALK to his wife to resolve things... Your posts smack of ignorance and misogyny....there are TWO people in a marriage and chaining that women will break a marriage due to lack of sex is just pure wrong... I've said it before and will say it again...what happens in the bedroom reflects what's happening outside it ...

    I am female so unless it's "internal misogyny" you are off the mark there. But I am very open sexually and am not sex negative

    The man will break the marraige not the woman cause he is not getting sex cause it leads to resentment and his needs not being fulfilled. Some women's sex drive just plumits as we age and him fulfilling his sexual need is not an issue as long as it doesn't become emotional. If he stays a loving father and husband him getting his needs fill elsewhere for something the wife doesn't want to do anymore is a good thing as it will keep the marriage together.


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    #19
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    macyard wrote: »
    The marriage is just not about sex, when a marraige is failing due to just no sex, going elsewhere for the sex is a good idea as it will keep the marriage and family together if there is no issues with that part of the relationship . Or do you think if a woman doesn't want sex it's better to break the family.

    Men can have sexual needs that need to be filled, if the wife doesn't want to the man getting it eslewhere from someone he will never love to keep the marraige and family together is a good option especially for the kids.

    I'm not sure if you're trolling or actually serious.

    Advising someone to cheat is ridiculous advice.

    If he and his wife have problems, work them out - counselling, date nights, holidays, whatever it takes. And if they can't work them out, then break up amicably. It's that simple.

    Involving a prostitute or mistress or fcukbuddy or whatever you want to call it? Sexual health risks, wife's trust destroyed, kids would never look at him the same way again, potential messy divorce with further financial and emotional woes.

    Have a long read through this forum and try and count up how many threads have OP's saying how great it was for their marriage when their partner cheated on them. That's right - there's none.


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    #20
    macyard
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 380 ✭✭macyard


    ManOfMystery wrote: »
    I'm not sure if you're trolling or actually serious.

    Advising someone to cheat is ridiculous advice.

    If he and his wife have problems, work them out - counselling, date nights, holidays, whatever it takes. And if they can't work them out, then break up amicably. It's that simple.

    Involving a prostitute or mistress or fcukbuddy or whatever you want to call it? Sexual health risks, wife's trust destroyed, kids would never look at him the same way again, potential messy divorce with further financial and emotional woes.

    Have a long read through this forum and try and count up how many threads have OP's saying how great it was that their partner cheated on them. That's right - there's none.

    He has sex on the side marriage stays together wife never finds out, kids have a mother and father. No more pestering for sex unless she wants it.

    He doesn't they break up, he looses have his stuff if not more, kids now going through a rough divorce might not get to see kids again.


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    #21
    Dial Hard
    Registered Users Posts: 13,512 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard


    can't log in wrote: »
    Why do you mention getting a full nights sleep?

    I took it to mean that he let his wife do all the night feeds/getting up if the child woke during the night etc while the child was small. In which case, I don't blame her one bit for not wanting another one.

    OP, you need to talk to your wife, and pronto. The no sex thing is a massive red flag that has been waving in your face for the past four years and you've done nothing about it.

    And for God's sake, help her out a bit more with your daughter and around the house. She works full time but it still sounds like you're letting her carry the can almost completely in this regard.


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    #22
    power pants
    Registered Users Posts: 2,907 ✭✭✭power pants


    I think it is unfair to say the poster is trolling. I can sort of see the logic but I too do not think it would the right road to go down. Depends on the individual and even the wife. Perhaps if they sit down and talk about it, she might be content enough to let him.
    who knows?
    Just because we don't agree with other peoples advice, doesn't mean its trolling


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    #23
    ManOfMystery
    Registered Users Posts: 2,394 ✭✭✭ManOfMystery


    macyard wrote: »
    He has sex on the side marriage stays together wife never finds out, kids have a mother and father. No more pestering for sex unless she wants it.

    He doesn't they break up, he looses have his stuff if not more, kids now going through a rough divorce might not get to see kids again.

    You're making two massive assumptions here, both of which I've highlighted. If either one is incorrect then a marriage is potentially ruined for nothing. Lies have a habit of being found out.


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    #24
    Neyite
    Administrators, Politics Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 25,947 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Neyite


    Mod:

    May I remind you all that recommending the OP avail of a prostitute is against the charter.


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    #25
    The Princess Bride
    Registered Users Posts: 18,587 ✭✭✭✭The Princess Bride


    Borinis_Socks wrote: »
    My wife and I are married 8 years and have a beautiful 6 year old daughter.

    Now, things are great financially, we love our daughter and she's getting stronger. But my wife and I have had no sex in 4 years, never go out, are over 40 and she thinks it's strange that I bring up the possibility of another child.
    I have been patient with this and will go into this more in future posts.

    Nowhere does it say he is pestering his wife to have a baby, I don't what other posters are reading.
    OP, nobody can advise without more information.

    You say you've not had sex in 4 years, is this a problem or are you both comfortable with that?
    Likewise, you never go out, is there a reason for this or do you both prefer to stay at home.

    It's great to be financially comfortable, but you've got to be happy too.
    No social or sex life together for a young couple?
    Doesn't sound like a healthy marriage to me,sounds more like 2 people, cohabiting, rearing their child together.

    Are you actually happy together? Is there any intimacy?Suggesting another child surely makes it all rather clinical, no?


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    #26
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    dudara wrote: »
    What aspects of your relationship have you and your wife discusssed? Never mind not having a child, what about sex and intimacy? What are her thoughts there?

    Have tried numerous time to broach the subject of sex and intimacy. My wife made me feel very small when I brought it up. On holidays in 2012. I brought condoms in the suitcase thinking that with time away it might be the perfect opportunity.
    When I went to the room she had hid them and was almost sneering at me in front of the child.
    I stormed out of the hotel room. I couldn't believe it. It's just something that sticks in my mind and I don't see it as a phase because nothing has changed.
    It's hard for me to expose my feelings on here but I might as well be honest. It's not necessarily about another child.
    It's about feeling loved and appreciated. I really feel so alone.


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    #27
    Leo12
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 34 ✭Leo12


    I'm sorry to hear you feel so alone. Time for you to lay your cards on the table, you will have to just talk to her frankly and tell her what you are feeling, no ifs or buts. How were things before 4 years ago?


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    #28
    Stavro Mueller
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,673 ✭✭✭Stavro Mueller


    Borinis_Socks wrote: »
    Have tried numerous time to broach the subject of sex and intimacy. My wife made me feel very small when I brought it up. On holidays in 2012. I brought condoms in the suitcase thinking that with time away it might be the perfect opportunity.
    When I went to the room she had hid them and was almost sneering at me in front of the child.

    Oh that's nasty. How was your sex life before this? I wonder is she of the "Lie back and think of England" brigade? Now that you've given her a child you're of no further use to her? If she's unwilling to change or discuss counselling then I'm afraid you may have some decisions to make.

    The way she treated you here, is that similar to how she treats you in your everyday life?


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    #29
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    Oh that's nasty. How was your sex life before this? I wonder is she of the "Lie back and think of England" brigade? Now that you've given her a child you're of no further use to her? If she's unwilling to change or discuss counselling then I'm afraid you may have some decisions to make.

    The way she treated you here, is that similar to how she treats you in your everyday life?

    I'm starting to think now that all she wanted was a child. Sometimes she talks to me in a very condescending way and shouts (eventhough she denies it).
    It's true, she is a great mother and rightly says that she cooks the dinner at weekends and irons clothes.
    I won't deny that I could do more but I'm sure I'm a good Dad who chips in.
    To be honest I just want her as she was before, cooking dinner and ironing shirts ain't going to cure my loneliness. The only thing I feel we share is our beautiful daughter. Over the last few years I thought it was just a phase and things would turn but how many years do you wait?
    I'm currently in the process of trying to get a babysitter so that we can go out and maybe rediscover something we've lost. The worrying thing is she has said "but sure where do we need to go"
    I've told her before that I'm lonely but she doesn't seem to get it.
    I can keep my head buried in the sand but I think it's going to get worse and worse


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    #30
    professore
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,857 ✭✭✭professore


    Basically you have to let her know in no uncertain terms you love her and your daughter but are not happy with the current state of affairs. Just say things need to change or you're leaving - and be prepared to do it. Don't get angry or anything - just state it as fact. Make it clear that you are willing to change too.

    One of 2 things will happen : she will say she wants to work on it with you or she will freak out and blame you for everything, saying she hates you etc etc. Then you have your answer.

    If it's the second option, go find a solicitor. Life is far too short to spend it with someone you are not happy with.


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    #31
    Borinis_Socks
    Registered Users Posts: 53 ✭✭Borinis_Socks


    Stavro Mueller wrote: »
    Oh that's nasty. How was your sex life before this? I wonder is she of the "Lie back and think of England" brigade? Now that you've given her a child you're of no further use to her? If she's unwilling to change or discuss counselling then I'm afraid you may have some decisions to make.

    The way she treated you here, is that similar to how she treats you in your everyday life?

    I'm starting to think now that all she wanted was a child. Sometimes she talks to me in a very condescending way and shouts (eventhough she denies it).
    It's true, she is a great mother and rightly says that she cooks the dinner at weekends and irons clothes.
    I won't deny that I could do more but I'm sure I'm a good Dad who chips in.
    To be honest I just want her as she was before, cooking dinner and ironing shirts ain't going to cure my loneliness. The only thing I feel we share is our beautiful daughter. Over the last few years I thought it was just a phase and things would turn but how many years do you wait?
    I'm currently in the process of trying to get a babysitter so that we can go out and maybe rediscover something we've lost. The worrying thing is she has said "but sure where do we need to go"
    I've told her before that I'm lonely but she doesn't seem to get it.
    I can keep my head buried in the sand but I think it's going to get worse and worse


This discussion has been closed.
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