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Why do you want/ not want children?

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24567…18

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    #32
    Penny Tration
    Closed Accounts Posts: 12,687 ✭✭✭✭Penny Tration


    There's one thing I find odd, with me. A lot of people (my oh included) who don't want kids seem indifferent to them, which is grand.

    But I adore kids. I think they're adorable, even when having tantrums. I love looking after my friends' kids, and really enjoy being around kids.

    Is anyone else like that? Loves kids, loves being around them, loves looking after them, but never wants their own? My bf thinks it's really odd that I love kids, even though the thought of having one fills me with dread.


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    #33
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    username123 wrote: »

    Being honest, so many friends have changed in negative ways since having kids, they're wrecked, they look crap, they've no time for anything, they're more stressed, they're actually not happy and it shows. Of course some love it, but they're by far the minority from what I can see.
    I presume you don't spend as much time around your friends with kids as you did before. It's easy to make assumptions then.


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    #34
    chinacup
    Registered Users Posts: 539 ✭✭✭chinacup


    Wouldnt trust myself to be a good parent at least not at this age, I'm still v young but parenting is a full time job your either in it for the long haul or you be a half parent. I see it as a serious role almost like a career path. And you don't necessarily become a good parent if you have paternal/maternal urges. Nothing irritates me like seeing a bad parent!


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    #35
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    green_screen wrote: »
    There's one thing I find odd, with me. A lot of people (my oh included) who don't want kids seem indifferent to them, which is grand.

    But I adore kids. I think they're adorable, even when having tantrums. I love looking after my friends' kids, and really enjoy being around kids.

    Is anyone else like that? Loves kids, loves being around them, loves looking after them, but never wants their own? My bf thinks it's really odd that I love kids, even though the thought of having one fills me with dread.

    I feel the same.
    I'm good with them too.
    Still don't want my own.


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    #36
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    green_screen wrote: »
    There's one thing I find odd, with me. A lot of people (my oh included) who don't want kids seem indifferent to them, which is grand.

    But I adore kids. I think they're adorable, even when having tantrums. I love looking after my friends' kids, and really enjoy being around kids.

    Is anyone else like that? Loves kids, loves being around them, loves looking after them, but never wants their own? My bf thinks it's really odd that I love kids, even though the thought of having one fills me with dread.
    I am exactly the opposite. I have no particular interest in other people's kids or spending time with them. But they are handy to play with ours when we are talking to their parents. Some childless friends are a lot more hard work now. You need to watch your kids so that they don't annoy them and the topics of conversation are limited because of different experiencs. Nothing wrong with that, our lives are just at different stages.


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    #37
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I am exactly the opposite. I have no particular interest in other people's kids or spending time with them. But they are handy to play with ours when we are talking to their parents. Some childless friends are a lot more hard work now. You need to watch your kids so that they don't annoy them and the topics of conversation are limited because of different experiencs. Nothing wrong with that, our lives are just at different stages.

    Personally I prefer the term "childfree"; it implies an element of choice in the condition. ;-)


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    #38
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Malari wrote: »
    Personally I prefer the term "childfree"; it implies an element of choice in the condition. ;-)
    I did not mean to make assumptions. I think it is pretty clear that English is not my first language.


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    #39
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    username123 wrote: »
    Being honest, so many friends have changed in negative ways since having kids, they're wrecked, they look crap, they've no time for anything, they're more stressed, they're actually not happy and it shows. Of course some love it, but they're by far the minority from what I can see.

    Or maybe their priorities change. I don't have the time, money or desire to be the polished person I could be and probably would be if I didn't have kids. I find this is the hardest thing to get across to people I know who don't have children. They see being with the kids as a form of drudgery. They think I'm boring. They can't understand why I'd rather stay in on a Saturday night with my family than be out tearing up the dancefloor. There are times when being a parent can really suck and I find myself wishing I could send them off somewhere but I only have to look at my best friend who is unable to have the family she is desperate for and who at this stage probably never will and I realise how lucky I am.


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    #40
    Malari
    Registered Users Posts: 18,150 ✭✭✭✭Malari


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I did not mean to make assumptions. I think it is pretty clear that English is not my first language.

    Actually I didn't pick that up from your posts, so I guess we can all make assumptions, eh?

    Anyway, it was just a light-hearted comment, which is why I put a "wink" after it.


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    #41
    panda100
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,551 ✭✭✭panda100


    Stheno wrote: »
    Also I genuinely do not like small children/babies, I've almost a fear of them
    cjmcork wrote: »
    I've been certain that I won't be having them - I'm sure someone will be offended by this, but all my friends have kids now and I've ZERO interest in little jonny on his bloody trampoline, etc (and faking interest when I have to watch them on it), etc etc..........
    username123 wrote: »
    Never interested in kids, don't get that 'aw' feeling when I see a baby, just feel a bit awkward that I'm supposed to be having some reaction that I don't seem to be having.

    Being honest, so many friends have changed in negative ways since having kids, they're wrecked, they look crap, they've no time for anything, they're more stressed, they're actually not happy and it shows. Of course some love it, but they're by far the minority from what I can see.
    /QUOTE]

    +1 to all the above.

    My desire not to have children has grown and grown since I've gotten older, despite everyone telling me otherwise. I find it a total stress when asked to look after my nieces and nephews. Its lovely for a small while, and that's about it. As cjmcork says its about feigning interest after a while. I sometimes feel like I'm a bit of an anomaly for feeling this way but obviously am not alone from reading this thread.


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    #42
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    eviltwin wrote: »
    Or maybe their priorities change. I don't have the time, money or desire to be the polished person I could be and probably would be if I didn't have kids. I find this is the hardest thing to get across to people I know who don't have children. They see being with the kids as a form of drudgery. They think I'm boring. They can't understand why I'd rather stay in on a Saturday night with my family than be out tearing up the dancefloor. There are times when being a parent can really suck and I find myself wishing I could send them off somewhere but I only have to look at my best friend who is unable to have the family she is desperate for and who at this stage probably never will and I realise how lucky I am.
    I think some of us are lucky that we have what we wished, especially if we didn't need to compromise in finding a partner that wants the same.

    I don't think kids should be a crutch to lean on but I remember a year or a bit more ago when things were very stressful at work and how I could come home and switch off because the two little demons just made me deal with them and forget work stuff. Children definitely make life busier but also a bit fuller and less one dimensional.


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    #43
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I presume you don't spend as much time around your friends with kids as you did before. It's easy to make assumptions then.

    Best not to presume ;)

    Its simply an observation based on what I can see around me. I see parents who have a lot more stress in their lives, who look worn out, who constantly complain that they dont have enough sleep, money, support, who dont seem to have any time for anything positive like the gym or a weekend away etc... People who seemed like happy people with plenty of interests before they had children who just seem generally unhappy since they had children. As I said, its not everyone, but its there often enough for me to find off putting.

    I disagree that its just about changed priorities. My own priorities have also changed simply because Im no longer young with no financial responsibilities and lots of disposable income. I far prefer to sit in and be comfy on a Saturday night! Ive absolutely no interest in tearing up any dance floor! Getting older happens to us all, kids or not.


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    #44
    eviltwin
    Registered Users Posts: 17,495 ✭✭✭✭eviltwin


    username123 wrote: »
    Best not to presume ;)

    Its simply an observation based on what I can see around me. I see parents who have a lot more stress in their lives, who look worn out, who constantly complain that they dont have enough sleep, money, support, who dont seem to have any time for anything positive like the gym or a weekend away etc... People who seemed like happy people with plenty of interests before they had children who just seem generally unhappy since they had children. As I said, its not everyone, but its there often enough for me to find off putting.

    I disagree that its just about changed priorities. My own priorities have also changed simply because Im no longer young with no financial responsibilities and lots of disposable income. I far prefer to sit in and be comfy on a Saturday night! Ive absolutely no interest in tearing up any dance floor! Getting older happens to us all, kids or not.


    I wonder in that case is it the children that have made them unhappy or other things like lack of support, unrealistic expectations etc.

    I don't doubt some people feel worse off with kids but most parents are very happy despite the negatives.

    When you decide to have a child you have to accept some things will take a back seat. You can't have it all but the gains are worth it for the most part. I don't get to do half as much as my childfree friends but having children has opened up new interests for me that I wouldn't have otherwise known. I don't spend much money on myself but I get more joy out of using a spare 50 quid to take the kids to the zoo than I would spending it on clothes or a handbag.

    That's not to say its all sunshine and rainbows but its not forever. The early years can feel like hell sometimes but they don't stay in that baby/toddler stage for long.


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    #45
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I wonder in that case is it the children that have made them unhappy or other things like lack of support, unrealistic expectations etc.

    Yes, this could definitely be true. And presumably its a temporary situation too as kids arent kids forever.

    Just as an example, I was at a 40th birthday on Saturday night. Two of the couples there have both had a child each around the same time about a year ago. Couple A looked great, were in great form, expecting another and full of normal chat - also seemed very much in love themselves. Couple B both looked worn out, were in terrible form, couldnt believe that Couple A were going to have another so soon and their chat was really a litany of complaints of how hard their lives are now and they seemed disconnected from each other, snappy at each other.

    I look at Couple A and think - thats how it should be.
    I look at Couple B and think - Nope.

    Unfortunately I see more Couple B's than A's.

    I wonder if modern society has an impact on this. Couples where both HAVE to work full time to pay the mortgage, where there is less support because the grandparents live in different counties etc....


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    #46
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    eviltwin wrote: »
    I wonder in that case is it the children that have made them unhappy or other things like... unrealistic expectations...

    Among people I know, there's a lot of this.


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    #47
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I am exactly the opposite. I have no particular interest in other people's kids or spending time with them. But they are handy to play with ours when we are talking to their parents. Some childless friends are a lot more hard work now. You need to watch your kids so that they don't annoy them and the topics of conversation are limited because of different experiencs. Nothing wrong with that, our lives are just at different stages.

    If friends can't be happy, or have time, for each other and their lives and interests, it doesn't say much for their friendship.

    I don't have or want children. Among the people I hang out with, I'm the only one without kids.
    I love my friends kids, and my nieces and nephews.
    But I love saying good bye to them too!


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    #48
    XxMCRxBabyxX
    Moderators, Education Moderators Posts: 7,439 Mod ✭✭✭✭XxMCRxBabyxX


    green_screen wrote: »
    There's one thing I find odd, with me. A lot of people (my oh included) who don't want kids seem indifferent to them, which is grand.

    But I adore kids. I think they're adorable, even when having tantrums. I love looking after my friends' kids, and really enjoy being around kids.

    Is anyone else like that? Loves kids, loves being around them, loves looking after them, but never wants their own? My bf thinks it's really odd that I love kids, even though the thought of having one fills me with dread.

    I'm the same too. Kids are great - as long as they're someone else's! :-)


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    #49
    Addle
    Registered Users Posts: 4,812 ✭✭✭Addle


    XxMCRxBabyxX wrote: »
    I'm the same too. Kids are great - as long as they're someone else's! :-)

    Plus they'll pay the taxes that will pay our pensions, hopefully!


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    #50
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    username123 wrote: »
    Yes, this could definitely be true. And presumably its a temporary situation too as kids arent kids forever.

    Just as an example, I was at a 40th birthday on Saturday night. Two of the couples there have both had a child each around the same time about a year ago. Couple A looked great, were in great form, expecting another and full of normal chat - also seemed very much in love themselves. Couple B both looked worn out, were in terrible form, couldnt believe that Couple A were going to have another so soon and their chat was really a litany of complaints of how hard their lives are now and they seemed disconnected from each other, snappy at each other.

    I look at Couple A and think - thats how it should be.
    I look at Couple B and think - Nope.

    Unfortunately I see more Couple B's than A's.

    I wonder if modern society has an impact on this. Couples where both HAVE to work full time to pay the mortgage, where there is less support because the grandparents live in different counties etc....
    But life is never as it should be. Either of the couples could be even more miserable if they couldn't have kids or they could think their lives are not going anywhere. I find that most of my friends who don't have kids need very challenging work not to feel bored. Most of them are clocking approx 60 hour working weeks.

    The life of leasure and no responsibility is not for everyone either.


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    #51
    Hollister11
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,482 ✭✭✭Hollister11


    I'm 18 I don't have any kids let but I hope I have my first in the next 6-8 years.


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    #52
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    Addle wrote: »
    If friends can't be happy, or have time, for each other and their lives and interests, it doesn't say much for their friendship.
    No very often their interests change. I have quite a few friends who don't have children (some childless and some childfree) and we try to see them without kids in tow. But with most of them our work experience is very similar (even if we live in different countries) so we have strong common interests. There are some of my friends and my partner's friends with whom we have less and less in common, if they at least have children there is something we can talk about.


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    #53
    Arthur Beesley
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,537 ✭✭✭Arthur Beesley


    Too much hassle and I'm too selfish to put someone before me at all times.


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    #54
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    meeeeh wrote: »
    Either of the couples could be even more miserable if they couldn't have kids or they could think their lives are not going anywhere.

    Sure they could be. But Im specifically talking about the common theme I see over and over again that when (some) people have children, they become less happy, more stressed and seem to have a more difficult life than previously.

    I personally do not desire that.


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    #55
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    I can honestly say I don't notice difference one way or the other but I am also not that interested in other people, neither I need their happiness or lack of it for validation of my decisions. You can always find someone who has children and struggles ans someone who doesn't and struggles with that too. It is like a horoscopes you can always find something in all the drivel that tells you how you really are a rat or a horse or whatever the signs are. We usually see what we want to see.


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    #56
    username123
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,484 ✭✭✭username123


    meeeeh wrote: »
    I can honestly say I don't notice difference one way or the other but I am also not that interested in other people, neither I need their happiness or lack of it for validation of my decisions. You can always find someone who has children and struggles ans someone who doesn't and struggles with that too. It is like a horoscopes you can always find something in all the drivel that tells you how you really are a rat or a horse or whatever the signs are. We usually see what we want to see.

    I dont know why you are being so passive aggressive. Not everyone wants kids, people have different reasons. Your reasons for wanting them are just as valid as my or other peoples reasons for not wanting them. Because I make an observation I am not seeking validation for my decisions, this is a discussion thread, I was commenting on my own life experiences. I dont appreciate your passive aggressive attempt to undermine my opinion simply because it differs from your own.


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    #57
    Snoopy1
    Registered Users Posts: 4,185 ✭✭✭Snoopy1


    Definitely do not want kids.
    I cant stand them, they scare me. I do like my little cousins (but they go home at end of day) , but every time another cousin announces they are expecting, i get the feeling of dread that we have to deal with babies again.
    I hate hearing about kids too.
    Im just too selfish, i like being independent.


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    #58
    therealme
    Registered Users Posts: 221 ✭✭therealme


    I have a (serious) fear of pregnancy/childbirth and hate looking at pregnant women.

    I am selfish - I like to sleep in, go out when I want, do what I want. I know I could do that with kids but I feel children need stability and routine etc. and I cannot provide that. I see and hear of too many children who are dragged here and there, left with lots of different minders, placed in front of a tv/ipad etc.and I feel that too is selfish that children need their parents time and love when they are young.

    I have never felt the desire/need to have children and think there are a lot of people who should not have had children but it's the expected thing to do.

    Also, I could never afford to. As a self-employed person, with a business that is not doing well at the moment, I simply do't have the means to pay for a child.


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    #59
    Nymeria
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭Nymeria


    I'm turning 30 this year and I'm pretty certain that I don't want children - have never felt the urge. I don't really have a 'reason' as such, just something I know in my heart...I suppose the same way that other people just know that they really want them. When I hear other women talking about being broody and stuff, I kind of smile and nod, but don't really understand it. I accept that it must be true for them, but in quite a detached way...like they are speaking a different language or something.

    I have three nephews and a niece who are great fun, whom I love dearly and I get great enjoyment out of being an aunt, but even so motherhood is just not something I can imagine for myself.

    I would say that I have seen kind of the opposite to username123's experience amongst people I know. Some of my friends, and my brother and sister who all have kids seem more content and settled than they used to be, and from the looks of it they get great joy out of spending time with their kids and teaching them stuff.

    My sister is one of those people who wanted to be a mother from very young, has always loved kids and now that she has her own, she says she feels very fulfilled and happy with her lot. I absolutely believe her, but at the same time I know that her choices would not be right for me, just as mine would not make her happy. My life is not better than hers, not worse, just different.


    Mostly, I'm just grateful to live in a time and a place where I can make the choice, many women aren't as lucky.


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    #60
    meeeeh
    Registered Users Posts: 11,624 ✭✭✭✭meeeeh


    username123 wrote: »
    I dont know why you are being so passive aggressive. Not everyone wants kids, people have different reasons. Your reasons for wanting them are just as valid as my or other peoples reasons for not wanting them. Because I make an observation I am not seeking validation for my decisions, this is a discussion thread, I was commenting on my own life experiences. I dont appreciate your passive aggressive attempt to undermine my opinion simply because it differs from your own.
    I didn't reason my decision for having kids that people without them are miserable and eventually become haggard spinsters or some other insult. You honestly don't see that telling people who have children that they look unkept or whatever the word was, stressed and blah blah blah is not offensive. Plus a huge generalisation and as a proof you offer a couple at a party because people with children are all the same anyway.

    So no I am not undermaining your opinion because it is different than mine, I am undermaining it because it is stereotypical, full of generalisations and insults. I was not critical of anyone else's opinion here because why people want or don't want to have children is none of my business until they don't insult me.


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    #61
    Lucyfur
    Registered Users Posts: 32,513 ✭✭✭✭Lucyfur


    MOD

    The bickering stops now.

    If you can't post in a civil manner, then don't post.

    Thank you.


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