LETS ALL LAUGH AT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION!!

stupidusername wrote: »

I think I get what you mean. problem is I haven't got many interests. though, I would like to get a pet...birds or ferrets. but I can't while I'm still sharing apartments. but some day. and they will be for me. besides that, I can't think of anything else.

I've been defriended. So much for thinking she was one of my best friends.

If you have been defriended, it sounds like you have been saved some hassle . .

One of my favourate songs in my late teens (back in the 90s :eek:) was the song "tracks of my tears" because it pretty much said everything about how I felt -

People say Im the life of the party cause I tell a joke or two
Although I might be laughing loud and hard, deep inside Im blue
So take a good luck at my face
Youll see my smile looks out of place
If you look closer its easy to trace
The tracks of my tears

That was everything I was in my younger years. I was the goto party guy that everybody wanted to be around. But I was horribly unhappy in life, kind of like how they say many comedians are manic depressive, I used to be up and down to ridiculous degrees, but never showed my downside to anybody but myself.

Wrote a poem back then (around the time I was going to councelling), if I find it I will post it here (have only shown it to my sister and wife).

flutterflye wrote: »

In my opinion, and experience - 'wallowing' isn't always a bad thing.
When you are hurt or go through something difficult, you need a bit of sympathy and "aw poor you" etc...

Sometimes you have to give that sympathy to yourself.
If you are talking to yourself negatively, well that's never good.
But if you are just going "poor me. why does this always happen?" etc...
Then I think that is an important part of looking after yourself - If it is constructive.

If it gives you the strength to move forward, and examine your feelings and behaviours and so on - then great.
It's when you get lost in the downward spiral of self pity, and let it go on for too long, or go too far - that's when it's dangerous.

Yeh, I think of it as something similar to mourning. . You go through a grieving process and pretty much try to awknowledge what happened, accept it, grieve and move on (or something like that) . .

telly_lover wrote: »

some mental health professionals in america refer to the above as being shamed in childhood

my fathers love and aprooval was always conditional when i was growing up and right up until he died twelve years ago , nothing i ever did was good enough

a very sizeable number of depression sufferers have core issues related to childhood and their relationship with their parents , i think anyone who has had a toxic relationship with a parent or parents needs to cut ties ( to a degree ) and move a considerable and safe distance from home , that way you feel like you are not under their microscope or in a possition for them to judge you , hanging around can create a culture of toxic codependance , you resent your parent or parents for damaging your self esteem but because of this feel helpless to ever survive without them , their is also the toxic ingredient of guilt which arises from a destructive co dependant relationship with parents , this helps no one and creates bitterness , its easier to forgive parents who were not ideal when you are making your own moves far removed from them , in time a better understanding between both can build


ps , i hope i dont get banned for this but i am not a fan of therapy , i think people have instinct and you know when your not happy , you need to be proactive and set practical goals which will result in possitive change for you in the future , i firmly believe that thinking too much is the worst thing in the world , if you think about stuff long enough , everything looks bleak , therapy trains your mind to over analyse everything , by encouraging the patient to go over everything , the therapist prolongs the whole experience which obviously suits them , im not against taking anti depressants if your in a bad way with anxiety or really black depression but i dont believe in going over every single minutia of historical detail with fine tooth comb , that leaves a person morbidley reflective

Its funny because growing up (and still) my mother suffered chronic depression, had multiple surgerys, had nervous breakdowns and tried to control me (or motivate me) by calling me a bum, useless etc (she denies it now!). . My dad only had time for me when I was engaged in a hobby he enjoys . . I had little relationship with my sisters. As somebody who was adopted, when I was 18 I was told that I had another family wanting to meet me and I wasnt interested. I remember my mum asking me to sit down because she had to talk to me about something. My first reaction was "how much did I drink last night and do I feel that funny feeling that you know you did something wrong!". When she said my biological family wanted to meet me, I sighed a relief , asked if that was all and could I go . For the record, I met my biological siblings since then and all is well . there (but that was another story - juggling two families - oh god !).

Ive always expected myself to fail, in fact I got used to expecting it and I got used to expecting things to go wrong for me or family, because I found by expecting the worst, you were seldom dissapointed . . I am never satisfied with what I do and take little pleasure in life because I feel like any good will be cancelled out by something bad that is just waiting to get me when I let my guard down!

But the one thing I give myself credit for and that I am good at is keeping my family together in a weird way . . I constantly bring my children over to my folks and sisters house and it creates a new fresh environment that didnt exist when I was younger. THey are all differant to my children and to a large degree I think they all envy the bit of happiness I have carved out. all I wanted growing up was a family and I have it . . My mates used to slag me in my early teens saying every girl I kissed I wanted to marry . . Funny cause it was kinda true, I always wanted a relationship, not a fling !! Oh, I dont miss my teenage years, even though I had some epic parties in my house . .

jammstarr wrote: »

Thank man



Are days like this the norm or the exception for you Drumpot?

The norm nowadays . . But in all fairness, I know exactly why I feel like this (alot of serious stress/pressure) . .

But my wife will confirm that I can go days or weeks even months "ok" and likewise weeks/days/months then be just Distant, lethargic, non responsive (like a zombie) . . The anti depressents work at making me "ok", but they had side effects I just couldnt live with.

How about you . . Is it a daily thing or sporadic like me ?

Yearning4Stormy wrote: »

Bejebus, Drumpot. I've got to send out the virtual hugs again tonight...?

Yeah... okay. http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/okay-guy

Look after yourself, man. Have a great weekend and keep everything crossed this damn weather improves!

Thanks very much . . I hope you have a great weekend too my friend . .

And just for you I spent the last hour in the attick looking for my poem (it was in an old diary) . . Couldnt find it . .Got down disgusted . . But I couldnt shake the thought that it was in my wardrobe for some reason (under a sh*t load of stuff) . . I pulled everything out and voila - it was at the bottom . . 1999 Diary (copied from my 1998 diary!) . .

Bit of backround . . I was 20 at the time. I would drink on my own (raid my folks liquor cabinet) regularly. I remember Michelle smiths gold medals in 1996 olympics, i was up for every one of them in a bottle of gin/vodka/whiskey or whatever was available . . I didnt care about myself and was constantly just numb to everything . . When I wrote the poem I had started councelling and for the first time that I could remember, I felt a bit of hope. . .That was what my poem was about because I only felt like a burden, a black sheep of the family thats greatest sin would be to kill oneself only because it would upset my family. I used to think, Im useless and a burden on my family, but god how bad a person would I be if I killed myself !! ! They would never forgive me ! !


Feeling More then Lonely - written @ 11.30pm Feb 8th 1998 by Drumpot (a 20 years old Drumpot! F**k me I feel my age now!)

Whats it all about ?
Dancing, Singing, Crying, Loving!
You said you would do it whenever you wanted to
But you never ever tried, you just died
On your own when you needed help
You took a drink when you needed a yelp
You did it to yourself but now you are reborn
Your lifes starting over, broken from being torn.

When you're feeling down, let yourself frown
Go with the flow
When you need a hand, reach out for there is always help, its never too late . . .
Why wait?
Who are you really and what do you want ?
You dont know me and I dont know you, yet we are one

I know now what it is like to have harmless fun
With my pain and anger all bottled inside
I learned well not to show it but when drunk could not hide
I hurt who was close to me
Why didnt they know, why didnt they see?

I cry now as I write this
For what reason I do not know
But I draw comfort from my tears
as Im able to show
Im so tired, yet alive and willing to go
The more that I am you, Im getting to know
My family and friends have been great to me
It means so much to me or you, whoevering I may be



That poem is genuinley one of the proudest things I have done in my life . . For anybody who doesnt understand the pain, suffering and loneliness that people suffering from depression can go through, being able to (after years of torture and feeling like nobody knew me) express my inner torture so clearly, was and still is something (one of the few things) that makes me proud of myself. Im not saying this for self gratification, Im saying it , hoping that somebody can relate to it and find some hope that while they might feel all is hopeless, there is still a chance and you can prevail. .

Just looking through my diary reminds me of how far I have come, but also how I have to keep on trucking . . For anybody younger then me (or older), I hope you can share your stories and your pain here like I have (talk about taking over the thread, Im sorry all, I will try to limit my posts now that I have gone overload the last few days). I just feel like its great to share my experiences, in the hope that somebody, anybody, can take something from what I have strived to do to make myself happy. and sorry for the long posts, Im just so psyched I found my poem (its made my night actually - its the little things in life!) and Im delighted to share it with fellow "happy challanged" boardies . .