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The mature decision in a sexless marriage

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13

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    #62
    HavingCrack
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,847 ✭✭✭HavingCrack


    paddyandy wrote: »
    When someone loves you enough .....sex becomes less important maybe unimportant but TV keeps emphasising an importance that did'nt exist years ago but the media plays a coy move all though the day with it's 'sex sells' and how important sex is .Relatively new idea .It's the expectations that cause a lot of trouble in difficult marriages already burdened enough with bringing up a family .
    Sex is a Tyranny used by advertising and people's marriages are suffering from it .

    Have you been reading 1984? :eek:


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    #63
    Caraville
    Registered Users Posts: 854 ✭✭✭Caraville


    krudler wrote: »
    This, marriage seems to kill a relationship, i know someone married less than two years and are sorry they did

    That's funny cos I know dozens of other couples married for decades and they never regretted it. Obviously there are exceptions but I reckon most of these couples would have split anyway whether they were married or not. If you're running scared from a committed relationship because you've gone from boyfriend and girlfriend to married then chances are you don't want to be with that person forever anyway, ring or no ring.
    Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

    It really boils down to insecurity not letting your wife/ husband have sex with other people. The more you treat your oh like a possession the more jealous you feel.

    There are tribes around the world where women and men aren't treated as possessions, they have sex with numerous people and there is no jealousy. They are perfectly happy.

    I don't see it as a possession thing though- and I would highly doubt there is no jealousy at all. Sooner or later someone's nose is going to get out of joint.


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    #64
    Scanlas The 2nd
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,144 ✭✭✭Scanlas The 2nd


    Caraville wrote: »
    krudler wrote: »
    This, marriage seems to kill a relationship, i know someone married less than two years and are sorry they did

    That's funny cos I know dozens of other couples married for decades and they never regretted it. Obviously there are exceptions but I reckon most of these couples would have split anyway whether they were married or not. If you're running scared from a committed relationship because you've gone from boyfriend and girlfriend to married then chances are you don't want to be with that person forever anyway, ring or no ring.
    Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »

    It really boils down to insecurity not letting your wife/ husband have sex with other people. The more you treat your oh like a possession the more jealous you feel.

    There are tribes around the world where women and men aren't treated as possessions, they have sex with numerous people and there is no jealousy. They are perfectly happy.

    I don't see it as a possession thing though- and I would highly doubt there is no jealousy at all. Sooner or later someone's nose is going to get out of joint.

    Why would it bother you if your OH had sex with someone else with your permission?


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    #65
    paddyandy
    Site Banned Posts: 2,037 ✭✭✭paddyandy


    If you depend on great sex to keep your marriage interesting for the next 5 years then you should bargain for a 12 month lease on each other and leave children out of it . They are the real casualties of this 'marriage is for fun ' notion that is very recent and plays havoc through giving expectations that never existed only a few decades ago .


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    #66
    stupidusername
    Closed Accounts Posts: 14,762 ✭✭✭✭stupidusername


    paddyandy wrote: »
    If you depend on great sex to keep your marriage interesting for the next 5 years then you should bargain for a 12 month lease on each other and leave children out of it . They are the real casualties of this 'marriage is for fun ' notion that is very recent and plays havoc through giving expectations that never existed only a few decades ago .

    hate to be with you


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    #67
    paddyandy
    Site Banned Posts: 2,037 ✭✭✭paddyandy


    bluewolf wrote: »
    firstly, biology

    secondly, i find this exceedingly rich coming from someone whose objection to women in sport is "they're not sexy enough for me"
    Biology with a bit of discipline and modesty instead of heating your selves up with tv .
    Where did i say "they're not sexy enough for me "....?????????
    You are not treating my posts with good faith .What is really botherin' you . STILL smartin over another thread ....


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    #68
    paddyandy
    Site Banned Posts: 2,037 ✭✭✭paddyandy


    stupidusername wrote: »
    hate to be with you

    When my posts are popular i'll worry .


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    #69
    iguana
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 12,915 Mod ✭✭✭✭iguana


    scholar007 wrote: »
    Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't it usually the female in a marriage who goes off having a bit of hows yer father? Like ya never hear women complaining that himself isn't up for a bit of rumpy pumpy!

    Nope, it actually tends to be more common in mature couples for the man to go off sex. Have you never seen Married With Children.


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    #70
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    Big Johnson wrote: »
    Deal with your own f*cking problems

    Oh, shut up & don't be such a tart.


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    #71
    Scanlas The 2nd
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,144 ✭✭✭Scanlas The 2nd


    paddyandy wrote: »
    If you depend on great sex to keep your marriage interesting for the next 5 years then you should bargain for a 12 month lease on each other and leave children out of it . They are the real casualties of this 'marriage is for fun ' notion that is very recent and plays havoc through giving expectations that never existed only a few decades ago .

    What casualties would there be when two loving mature parents take good care of their children and every now and again they go off to see someone on the side.

    Our natural sexuality is to to be highly promiscuous. Men and women are designed to sex with numerous people. We see so many failed marriages and high rates of depression and disease because we don't live the way we are supposed to. Forcing monogamy on people is like smashing a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't work.


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    #72
    starbelgrade
    Closed Accounts Posts: 20,739 ✭✭✭✭starbelgrade


    Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »
    Forcing monogamy on people is like smashing a square peg into a round hole. It doesn't work.

    No-one is forced to be monogamous, though a lot of people choose to be so. And for many of those people it does work.

    I think you're judging everyone else by your own experience which is not always the best way to judge things.


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    #73
    whatdoicare
    Registered Users Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭whatdoicare


    Could the couple not just go to a sex counsellor instead? I'd hate to think that I'd throw away my 10 year relationship with my now husband just because things have gone a bit dead in the bed room.

    We have a very open and honest sex life and we aren't afraid to talk to each other about what's going on- be it good or bad. That communication didn't happen overnight, we had to work at it and it took us a long time to get to the point where we are right now.

    I'm am very aware that it is very important to make time and an effort for your partner in life and if you want it to work you have to work hard at it and if it's not working after that then it's time to call it an amicable day.

    My folks are approaching their 40th anniversary and they still have to work at their marriage - so by seeing that I know that that's what you gotta do to make it work in the long haul!

    You wouldn't give up on your kids if things weren't going exactly as you planned - so why would you give up on your partner?


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    #74
    x_Ellie_x
    Registered Users Posts: 513 ✭✭✭x_Ellie_x


    That whole "let's stay together for the sake of the kids" business is crap. You're just ensuring that your kids will have unhappy childhoods. If you can't stand the sight of your spouse anymore, then do the right thing and leave. Trust me, I am speaking as one of those kids. I think my parents miserable marriage is the reason I can't make a relationship last for more than 2 years. One of my worst fears is ending up in a marriage like my parents'.


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    #75
    Caraville
    Registered Users Posts: 854 ✭✭✭Caraville


    Scanlas The 2nd wrote: »
    Why would it bother you if your OH had sex with someone else with your permission?

    Well I wouldn't give them my permission, but if in some weird bizzaro world I did, then I reckon eventually I wouldn't be happy and would be worried that my OH preferred the other person over me. Some might call that insecurity, others might see it as simply wanting to have someone who is simply their special someone.

    It's like people who sleep around- some are happy to do that forever, but others eventually will want to settle down with one person- in the end they don't want the freedom to do what they want, they want the relationship where they have to look after the needs of another person too.


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    #76
    LH Pathe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 2,515 ✭✭✭LH Pathe


    ..who changed the thread title from is to in. slyyyy...


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    #77
    Scanlas The 2nd
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 3,144 ✭✭✭Scanlas The 2nd


    x_Ellie_x wrote: »
    That whole "let's stay together for the sake of the kids" business is crap. You're just ensuring that your kids will have unhappy childhoods. If you can't stand the sight of your spouse anymore, then do the right thing and leave. Trust me, I am speaking as one of those kids. I think my parents miserable marriage is the reason I can't make a relationship last for more than 2 years. One of my worst fears is ending up in a marriage like my parents'.

    Yes but if two parents still love each other and get in well but they just don't fancy eachother then the kids will be fine if they stay together.


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    #78
    Jesus Wept
    Registered Users Posts: 25,243 ✭✭✭✭Jesus Wept


    grindelwald wrote: »
    It really depends on the reason why the couple aren't having sex, it is because one was injured and in hospital? or perhaps one is dying of cancer and sex is the last thing on their mind, it it because they dont love each other? is it a temporary thing? the list goes on.

    To say if the couple aren't having sex with eachother they should have it with other people and still stay married is a heap of bull s88t. You have to address the reason for a sexless marriage, if one person is sick or unable to perform does not give the other one right to go get thier kicks elsewhere, my marriage vows were 'I SHALL FORSAKE ALL OTHERS' I SHALL RESPECT, HONOR AND ADORE (my husband) IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, TILL DEATH DO US PART. My husbands vow were the same.

    If they do not love each other then the best option is too split up but it really depends on the couple you cant paint every couple with the same brush.

    As biggins said, a marriage takes work, a little give n take.

    Don't forget obey.


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    #79
    cynder
    Registered Users Posts: 4,128 ✭✭✭cynder


    The-Rigger wrote: »
    Don't forget obey.


    Wasn't in my vows :D


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    #80
    paddyandy
    Site Banned Posts: 2,037 ✭✭✭paddyandy


    Plenty of unstable and maladjusted people come out of ideal backgrounds and great materiel from terrible upbringings . i believe but i can't quote the source atm.


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    #81
    Downlinz
    Registered Users Posts: 1,489 ✭✭✭Downlinz


    If you make the commitment to marriage and again the commitment to have children then you're an absolute lowlife and horrible person to deny those children a set of parents because you're hung up on something as selfish as your own sexual satisfaction.

    Worried about being unhappy? Tough ****, its not all about you. Live with your mistakes and don't let other people suffer because of them.


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    #82
    philologos
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,479 ✭✭✭✭philologos


    bluewolf wrote: »
    Forcing the kids to endure hostile/unhappy parents is detrimental to them. Any kids who have gone through that and a subsequent separation will say as much themselves.

    Yes, and no.

    Surely one should put the kids first as much as is possible, indeed one should take their marriage seriously enough to attempt to fix it if it is breaking through marriage counselling or whatever else one can do?

    OP: Surely the most mature decision would be to encourage sexual expression within the marriage rather than outside.


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    #83
    coffee_cake
    Moderators, Category Moderators, Politics Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 81,309 CMod ✭✭✭✭coffee_cake


    obviously i meant after reconciliation is attempted if possible, which is why i said "hostility" and not "leaving because you're a bit bored"


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    #84
    qrrgprgua
    Registered Users Posts: 786 ✭✭✭qrrgprgua


    bluewolf wrote: »
    Forcing the kids to endure hostile/unhappy parents is detrimental to them. Any kids who have gone through that and a subsequent separation will say as much themselves.


    Yes.. I agree. I had an terrible childhood with both parents unhappy. They didn't split. at the time I wished they had..

    But every child wishes they had 2 happy Parents. Having a Father and Mother does help Children.

    Money alcohol played big factors in my parents lifes..

    Sex.. would be great to have it all.. but its not everything in a relationship, it forms part of it.

    If you are going to have kids.. Find the right partner who you would stay with no matter what.


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    #85
    44leto
    Closed Accounts Posts: 4,137 ✭✭✭44leto


    "Life’s statistics make a mockery of our cultural dedication to monogamous relationships. Monogamy is expected by 95% of couples, yet a survey, by the Social and Economic Sciences Research Center at Washington State University, of sexually active Seattle residents aged 18-39 found 27% of men and 18% of women reported that during their most recent sexual relationship, they had had sex with at least one other partner. Is this shocking? If you’re a regular tabloid reader, probably not.

    More astonishingly, in the 1990s, Robin Baker, then an evolutionary biologist at Manchester University, discovered that 8% of children are conceived when a woman has recently slept with another man. Another statistic reveals that 10% of children in Britain don’t belong to the men they’re supposed to. This, says Baker, “is normal behaviour for a mammal”. His novel, Primal, explores what happens when humans revert to their instincts, away from societal restrictions. “It’s nurture, not nature, that makes us monogamous,” he says".

    Monogamy it seems farcical these days, yet I know couples who are, but I know loads who are not, yet they stay married and hapilly, it seems to be a game, does the missus really want to know what goes on at the golfing weekend or the lads city break.


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    #86
    iguana
    Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 12,915 Mod ✭✭✭✭iguana


    44leto wrote: »
    More astonishingly, in the 1990s, Robin Baker, then an evolutionary biologist at Manchester University, discovered that 8% of children are conceived when a woman has recently slept with another man. Another statistic reveals that 10% of children in Britain don’t belong to the men they’re supposed to. This, says Baker, “is normal behaviour for a mammal”. His novel, Primal, explores what happens when humans revert to their instincts, away from societal restrictions. “It’s nurture, not nature, that makes us monogamous,” he says".

    These claims have no basis in fact. I'd read quite a few sources for such claims but when you follow them up there is no proof at all behind them.


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    #87
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    bluewolf wrote: »
    obviously i meant after reconciliation is attempted if possible, which is why i said "hostility" and not "leaving because you're a bit bored"

    It gets harder for parents as the kids get bigger, kids notice things and know everything is not right but kids want parents to stay together and this can be emotional blackmail sometimes.
    While it's often the best thing to split it's hard to separate kids from one parent and lets face it they have to live with one parent. Kids then have to choose who to live with and this is unfair, sometimes parents stick together until the kids grow up.
    qrrgprgua wrote: »

    If you are going to have kids.. Find the right partner who you would stay with no matter what.

    Every couple intends to stay together until problems appear, having kids is a strain on some relationships and the best relationship in the world often falls apart.


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    #88
    kowloon
    Registered Users Posts: 13,387 ✭✭✭✭kowloon


    hondasam wrote: »
    Kids then have to choose who to live with and this is unfair, sometimes parents stick together until the kids grow up.

    I was under the impression the kids get no choice.
    Unless Mammy is on the crack she keeps the kids and Daddy can visit a few days a week unless he has a newer, better family lined up.


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    #89
    hondasam
    Closed Accounts Posts: 34,418 ✭✭✭✭hondasam


    kowloon wrote: »
    I was under the impression the kids get no choice.
    Unless Mammy is on the crack she keeps the kids and Daddy can visit a few days a week unless he has a newer, better family lined up.

    Depends on the ages and other stuff, not all mothers want to keep the kids full time. Every situation is different and they might share the living arrangements with for example a child living with each parent, not ideal imo but it happens.


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    #90
    philologos
    Closed Accounts Posts: 22,479 ✭✭✭✭philologos


    paddyandy wrote: »
    Plenty of unstable and maladjusted people come out of ideal backgrounds and great materiel from terrible upbringings . i believe but i can't quote the source atm.

    What do you mean by plenty in both cases?

    I don't think anyone would say that divorce would be ideal for any child. We also have to consider that by and large marriage is better for child rearing, this is statistically sound.

    It's fine to say that some people emerge from situations with divorced parents, but I don't think many would say it was easy or ultimately beneficial.

    You seem to be claiming that both situations are equivalent but that isn't really true.


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    #91
    --LOS--
    Registered Users Posts: 11,028 ✭✭✭✭--LOS--


    I just wonder if anyone that makes claims that they wouldn't care about their partner sleeping with other people has even been in a serious long-term relationship and really loved that person.
    For me I just don't understand open relationships, it would definitely not work for me. Life is not perfect, you have challenges in a relationship that you have to deal with, the solution is not staying in the relationship without working on it and sleeping with other people. Does not compute


    Can I also say I hate how there is such an emphasis on marriage in these kinds of threads, your relationship is not lacking just because you're not married, I would never get married, I have relations who have kids and are not married, it's not like the kids know any difference whether the parents are married or not!


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