He says / she says

Christy Manure · 07-10-2008 12:17pm #1

My gf says she is a regular poster here, but she won't tell me her username. Last night I was having a discussion with with her about some behaviour of hers which I couldn't understand. She ended up telling me that I don't understand women as a whole, and told me if I posted here I would learn something. So here goes:

At the end of a long day, I was enjoying some well-deserved rest with a dvd. My gf came into the room and started asking me questions about the show I was watching. I patiently answered them all, explaining who was who and what was what. Then she moved on to asking me questions about trivial subjects, such as her sister's wedding, a scarf she had been given, etc., etc. I dealt with all of these politely as well. After each round of questions, I would rewind the show back to the point where she interrupted it, and watch the bit I had missed.

Then she asked me, if I found her interesting? Well I knew this was the end of my peace, and we had a little argument. I took the position that she had deliberately ruined my moment of relaxation at the end of the day, and that all of her questions could have waited for a better time. Her side of things was that I should have known that she wanted to have a conversation and should have abandoned watching the tv and given my attention to her.

After making the following point, I was directed here:

None of her conversational sallies was more interesting than the tv show I was watching. They were much less interesting; in fact, they weren't interesting at all. So why should they hold my attention? If she wants to divert my attention from something, then she is in competition with it, and needs to be superior to it. In this instance, she was vastly inferior.

The conversations she wanted to have were so pointless that we could have had them without using words. We could have moo-ed at each other like cows without losing any of the meaning. I felt that her desire to do this did not trump my desire to not do so.

Well that's it. Here's hoping my understanding of women is enhanced.

brianthebard · 07-10-2008 12:20pm

LOLZ you do realise she's going to read this now?
Also I think saying she deliberately ruined your viewing is a bit strong don't you? Jeez, be grateful someone is interested in spending time with you.

Silverfish · 07-10-2008 12:21pm

Personally, I think you'd both be better off with other people, neither of you appreciate the other.

My €0.02.

Beruthiel · 07-10-2008 12:21pm

Christy Manure wrote: »

If she wants to divert my attention from something, then she is in competition with it, and needs to be superior to it. In this instance, she was vastly inferior.

Nice. You're a real catch.

youcancallmeal · 07-10-2008 12:23pm

What dvd were you watching?

stovelid · 07-10-2008 12:25pm

I usually get my revenge by waiting until my wife is in the middle of The Apprentice, X-Factor, Property Ladder or Prison-Break or some other crud and then insisting that she discuss Shamrock Rovers players of the 80s and open source software with me.

Seriously though, you both may need partners that you're more suited to.

Clare Bear · 07-10-2008 12:27pm

I know I'm one of few probably taking his side here (and apologies in advance to the regular Lady in question) but while she just wanted to chat with you and I understand that, you needed your relaxing time after a stressful day. Her converstation wasn't an important one, it could have waited. If it was me personally I would have gotten the hint and just left it until it was over. I'd expect the same if the roles were reversed. If her favourite programme came on or favourite DVD that she wanted to watch was on and you came in baffling away randomly I don't think she'd be too impressed either. I'm sure she could have waited an hour or two to talk about her scarf. It would be a completely different story if it was something important that she needed to talk about. Everyone needs their "me" time people!

Malari · 07-10-2008 12:31pm

Wow, you should really have asked her to either watch the tv with you or stopped it and watched it after she was finished. It's not like it was a live match or never-to-be-repeated news item.

This happens all the time in relationships. Get over yourself. She might be watching, or reading something, or be on the phone when you come bursting in with your news of the day next week. Be more patient.

While all you've said about having to be more interesting than the competition may be true, it's not prudent to actually say that to someone if you have an interest in maintaining any relationship with them.

It's not a gender thing, it's a mutual respect thing.

shellyboo · 07-10-2008 12:34pm

I'm making that sucking-air-in-between-your-teeth-face and squinting. It's not good, my friend.

From a woman's point of view, here's what happened. She came in to see you, after what I'll presume was a long day for her as well. She expresses interest in something that you're watching, asking questions - which can be annoying, I'll give you that. Nonetheless, she's showing interest in something which interests you. Can you see where I'm going with this?

She then begins a conversation about things in HER life, which interest her. Whether you find these topics as interesting as watching paint dry or not, she deserves your attention, because these are things of concern to her. The point here is not whether you find her conversational topics more interesting than your DVD, but on the whole, what's more important to you - your girlfriend, or a DVD?

She shouldn't have to be vastly entertaining 24/7 to warrant your attention and interest. You were sitting watching a DVD and she STILL wanted to spend time with you and talk to you, despite the fact you weren't dazzling her with your conversational talents.

And unless you can swear blind that you've never, ever, not once opened your mouth to her about cars, football, DIY, the Discovery Channel, golf, or anything that she may not find interesting (excuse my disgusting sexism there) then you can't really complain that sometimes you have no interest in what she's saying.

I think, honestly, that your attitude is a bit lazy and a bit selfish. She's not there for your entertainment, you're in a relationship with her - that calls for mutual understanding and a hell of a lot of patience. If watching your DVD undisturbed is a really big issue for you, explain that to her, and assuming that she's not a harpy, she should leave you in peace for an hour or so to watch it.

stovelid · 07-10-2008 12:35pm

Wait 'til the OP's girlfriend logs in and then straight to the Thunderdome ftw.

robtri · 07-10-2008 12:46pm

dude, you have a girl who is interested in you, she comes home and wants to talk to you, doesn't matter about what, and your more interested in some tv show you have recorded that you can watch at anytime, if you think a tv show is more interesting than her, thats just screwed up

GeturGun · 07-10-2008 12:56pm

Christy Manure wrote: »

If she wants to divert my attention from something, then she is in competition with it, and needs to be superior to it. In this instance, she was vastly inferior.

:eek::eek: OMG!!
How old are you?!?!? Seriously.

shellyboo wrote: »

She shouldn't have to be vastly entertaining 24/7 to warrant your attention and interest.
She's not there for your entertainment, you're in a relationship with her

+1

JaneyMc · 07-10-2008 12:58pm

I'm actually on his side on this, if I was in the middle of something, trying to relax after a long days work and someone started moaning at me for attention, when they could cleary see I was occupied, I would not be impressed.

I'm sure questions about scarves and the rest could wait 40 mins or so, so he could give her his full attention.

Dragan · 07-10-2008 1:03pm

Re-reg?

She Devil · 07-10-2008 1:11pm

Ha ha .. it could be my boyfriend that wrote that (if such argument occured between us) he says i always ruin films in cinemas by asking who is who etc ....... to be honest at this stage i just do it to annoy him. He says i'm an attention seeker and i say .... well yeah, i am! I want his attention at the most awkward of times, thank god he is a real gent and gives it to me.
I do understand where the OP is coming from, because his girlfriend it seems is just like me!

WindSock · 07-10-2008 1:12pm

Communication is the key, as always. I am like a demon when I come home for the first hour or so, same as when I awake. My boyfriend understands this and will not approach me for a how was your day chat until I am properly relaxed and have taken off my work face. Same with him, I won't go near him with a chat if he hasn't eaten and is hungry.

g'em · 07-10-2008 1:13pm

Dragan wrote: »

Re-reg?

Bum spasm alert?

WindSock · 07-10-2008 1:15pm

No, if I think you are referring to the same thing that I think you are referring to

Maple · 07-10-2008 1:18pm

I do get the OP's point. If I walked into a room where my OH was watching something so intently to the point where he kept stopping and rewinding the DVD then i'd shut up and wait until it was over to have the chats about whatever trivia had happened throughout my day. To be fair to him I do think it was trival stuff she wanted to chat about. Whereas if it was more important stuff i'd ask him to turn it off because i wanted his opinion on something.

LolaDub · 07-10-2008 1:19pm

It sounds like she was having one of those days too and was probably looking forward to seeing you. While the incident itself is minor enough in my opinion your attitude is the problem and if you told me i was vastly inferior to a dvd i'd be gone before the dvd ended.

You need to get a communication balance. Would it have been so hard for you to say sorry honey i'm watching this do you want to join me or do you want me to pause it? She'd know you wanted to watch the dvd and she was included. Sounds like she just wanted to spend time with you.

the_syco · 07-10-2008 1:24pm

OP: would she give you the time of day if she was watching Corrie, Eastenders, or some likewise drivel?

SarahJ · 07-10-2008 1:32pm

I'm gona watch this thread like a hawk for his girlfriend to come on

In a way, I agree with him, as I am one of those impatient people who hates having to explain things on tv, in movies etc. But his post makes him sound really arrogant, "If she wants to divert my attention from something, then she is in competition with it, and needs to be superior to it. In this instance, she was vastly inferior".

Big words my friend!

Lil' Smiler · 07-10-2008 1:36pm

In fairness, my bf does get annoyed with this. I sometimes talk a little too much and he's not good at all at multi tasking - can only do one thing at a time, if he's on the computer or watching something he can't talk at the same time. Also, he's a slow reader so it gets to him when i'm yapping away. Similarly it wold annoy me if he kept talking when i was watching my fave shows or whatever... but we both accept it and have plenty of other times to chat and have quality time together anyway!

Dragan · 07-10-2008 1:41pm

Personally OP I think you are confusing the subject matter with the medium. You say she needs to be interesting? Well she is perfecty entitled to say that YOU should be interested? You sound like the type of guy who would call himself a straight shooter, you tell it how it is, she needs to be interesting etc.

Well I hate to break it to you mate, no one should need to jump through hoops just to get their partners attention away from the TV.

Don't get me wrong, some down time is always important but you ****ed up in the first place. You should have just turned around to her and said "Look hun, I'm sorry but my brain is mush after the day, how about you cuddle up beside me here and we'll chill for a bit, then chat?".

Communication is key, not faking interest.

super_furry · 07-10-2008 1:44pm

the_syco wrote: »

OP: would she give you the time of day if she was watching Corrie, Eastenders, or some likewise drivel?

Just the point I was about to make. If there's something on television that doesn't interest my other-half she's spout all kinds of irrelevant drivel. Seemingly half-way through a football match is the perfect time to start discussing her friend's brother's girlfriend's shoes.

topper75 · 07-10-2008 1:45pm

I think after reading about the 'rewinding the DVD' bit that the OP's girl needs to go to the doctor and get her female intuition checked out. It might be blocked!

I also think at the same time though that females' complaints about men not communicating are very evident here; would "I'm just watching this. I'll chat to you when this is over love." have been too demanding to mouth at the end of an exhausting day, instead of continuing to stare at the telly like a fish?

Both wrong. The part about comparing her to the show was silly.

07-10-2008 1:53pm

You sound like Onslow from Keeping up the Appearance tbh.

If I acted like that to any of my previous GFs or the girl I am currently seeing I'd have my balls chopped off.

Looking forward to your mrs seeing this although I doubt she'll post

KrazeeEyezKilla · 07-10-2008 1:59pm

Christy Manure wrote: »

If she wants to divert my attention from something, then she is in competition with it, and needs to be superior to it. In this instance, she was vastly inferior.

You have a point but that is not a good way to make it, especially if she could be reading this. A girlfriend isn't competing with a DVD.

If she has something to tell you should pay attention but she didn't seem to. She had nothing to say and was only trying to interupt you for the sake of it.

Puddleduck · 07-10-2008 2:06pm

eeeehhh ok. I dont think you need to split up or anything like others have suggested but I think some boundaries need to be set up. If she wanted to spend time with you she could have sat down and watched it with you, and talked afterwards. That would really irrtate me if my boyfriend came in asking a million questions and then threw a hissy fit because I didnt pay him enough attention.

stovelid · 07-10-2008 2:07pm

You know, as much as you love and value your partner, there are few topics that are so important that you have to drop everything you are doing (or watching) at that minute to hear about.

I wouldn't arrive home and expect my wife to instantly stop what she is doing to listen to me. Newsflash: you live together. There is enough time to watch DVDS, and chat.

That said, OP did himself no favours with the description.

John Mason · 07-10-2008 2:09pm

i have to say, it does my head in completely when i am trying to watch something on TV and some keeps asking inane questions. i have been know to tell people to be quiet and speak when the programme is finished.

May be you should have just told her you would busy and would talk to after your stories had finished.

i mean, i wouldnt be interrupting the OH with questions when he is watching football, that same as he wouldnt talk to me when i am watching some programme i wanted to see unless it was relavent to the show

He says / she says

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