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How's it goin, doll? I'm Jim. I like kittens and saving the world

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  • 19-06-2008 2:29pm
    #1
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭


    So, I'm supposed to be going speed dating this weekend.

    Obviously, when it comes to ladies, you should never be honest. As some wise man once said "Never be yourself. No-one is gonna be interested in your REAL self". :pac:

    So, how can I spice up my drab life to impress hot ladies?

    Do I take the sensitive approach and pretend I work as a volunteer in a puppy shelter?

    Or do I go for the exciting, yet mysterious approach, and pretend I was once a subaquatic special forces commando?

    For all the guys here...what lies do you hit the ladies with when you're trying to get a rattle?

    And before anyone pretends they don't embellish the truth when they're out on the pull, we all know EVERY guy does it :p

    So, hit me with your best aliases. Bear in mind, it has to be a quick story, as I'll only have 8 minutes.

    Best one wins a blue peter badge :D


«13

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    #2
    seamus-2k7
    Closed Accounts Posts: 453 ✭✭seamus-2k7


    Whale biologist


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    #3
    zAbbo
    Registered Users Posts: 11,987 ✭✭✭✭zAbbo


    Ask her more about herself, that way you'll only have about 10 seconds talking to do.


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    #4
    RedXIV
    Registered Users Posts: 8,407 ✭✭✭RedXIV


    international martial arts superstar.

    ah no, find a story that makes em laugh, preferably with you getting alot of mishaps on the way with a mediocere ending. If you can relate it to something they said, you're on to a winner.


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    #5
    aidan_walsh
    Closed Accounts Posts: 17,208 ✭✭✭✭aidan_walsh


    seamus-2k7 wrote: »
    Whale biologist
    Whale OBGYN, ftw.


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    #6
    Steve_o
    Registered Users Posts: 3,432 ✭✭✭Steve_o


    "Hi my name is Randall, and I start fires..."


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    #7
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    Don't worry, "I'm a doctor, I spend my day saving people's lives", should be enough.


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    #8
    TeletextPear
    Registered Users Posts: 2,413 ✭✭✭TeletextPear


    dress in a really nice suit and then say "sorry im looking a bit scruffy, i spend so much time reading to sick orphans that i dont get much time to shop... id love to have a woman to help me pick out my clothes"

    bam, you're in there


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    #9
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭tallaght01


    seamus wrote: »
    Don't worry, "I'm a doctor, I spend my day saving people's lives", should be enough.

    Nah, savvy girls read between the lines and see the reality of that one "I work a 24 hour shift every 3 days and I have an obsession with my work to the detriment of whatever poor girl that gets saddled with me".

    International whale urology martial artist goes down way better :p


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    #10
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭tallaght01


    TeletextPear wrote: »
    dress in a really nice suit and then say "sorry im looking a bit scruffy, i spend so much time reading to sick orphans that i dont get much time to shop... id love to have a woman to help me pick out my clothes"

    bam, you're in there

    This is what I'm talkin about.

    Good effort. If i score, you'll be the first to get the pics lol


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    #11
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    Seamus has a point....you already have the perfect alias as a padeatrician.

    Otherwise I'm impressed by tradesmen....and people who give me the impression they have an interest in me.


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    #12
    TeletextPear
    Registered Users Posts: 2,413 ✭✭✭TeletextPear


    tallaght01 wrote: »
    This is what I'm talkin about.

    Good effort. If i score, you'll be the first to get the pics lol

    what can i say, i have a way with the ladies.... not much help to me seeing as im a girl tho haha :D


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    #13
    suspectdevice
    Registered Users Posts: 328 ✭✭suspectdevice


    just tell her that you genuinely feel, no matter how corny it sounds to her, that sexual compatibility is the most important thing, that there is no point in wasting dates finding out about each others tastes in food, wines, clubs, books, music, movies or anything else and then when you get down to the nitty gritty that you don't find her sexy or she don't find you sexy.

    hump to fu'ck on the first night and if its good then its worth figuring the personal stuff later. you know, sure anyone can be a vegetarian if they get head like that very week.....


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    #14
    seamus
    Registered Users Posts: 68,317 ✭✭✭✭seamus


    tallaght01 wrote: »
    Nah, savvy girls read between the lines and see the reality of that one "I work a 24 hour shift every 3 days and I have an obsession with my work to the detriment of whatever poor girl that gets saddled with me".
    "But I work so hard, I have no time to spend the thousands of euro I earn every day, and I really want someone who can take care of my money for me."

    Instant hottie magnet.


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    #15
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭tallaght01


    suspectdevice wrote: »
    just tell her that you genuinely feel, no matter how corny it sounds to her, that sexual compatibility is the most important thing, that there is no point in wasting dates finding out about each others tastes in food, wines, clubs, books, music, movies or anything else and then when you get down to the nitty gritty that you don't find her sexy or she don't find you sexy.

    hump to fu'ck on the first night and if its good then its worth figuring the personal stuff later. you know, sure anyone can be a vegetarian if they get head like that very week.....

    Thye have this weird rule that you can't use overtly sexual language in the conversation at this event. I'm worried that if I say all that to her she's gonna ring the "pervert bell" and I'll be hauled out and shamed.


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    #16
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭tallaght01


    TeletextPear wrote: »
    what can i say, i have a way with the ladies.... not much help to me seeing as im a girl tho haha :D


    On the plus side, you would make an amazing lesbian though :pac:


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    #17
    jester77
    Registered Users Posts: 11,262 ✭✭✭✭jester77


    Just get straight to the point...

    "I'm not into small talk or formalities, so how about we first shag, get that out of the way and take things from there"


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    #18
    suspectdevice
    Registered Users Posts: 328 ✭✭suspectdevice


    tallaght01 wrote: »
    Thye have this weird rule that you can't use overtly sexual language in the conversation at this event. I'm worried that if I say all that to her she's gonna ring the "pervert bell" and I'll be hauled out and shamed.

    ah man, that sucks, pervert bell. what, do people actually go to these without sex on their mind? suppose some girls would, but lads, surely not.

    i can imagine soon they will bringing out this little thing that monitors your heart beat and stuff, looking for signs of arousal, and the bleeper goes off and you get hauled out for just thinking about whether you would hump her or not, or you might even think you woud hump the one that some other bloke got to talk to first


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    #19
    funk-you
    Registered Users Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭funk-you


    "Hi, I'm Trent Douglas. I'm an airline pilot. I trained in the airforce for two tours before deciding an a quieter life and moved to the commercial side. Yes i would like to have a few kids(i love them) and a nice big house but at the moment i'm concentrating more on experiencing the good things in life."

    -Funk


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    #20
    Board-in-work
    Closed Accounts Posts: 135 ✭✭Board-in-work


    wear an eyepatch, with a white suit....Pay the waiter to interupt the date - "I'm sorry Mr.XXX, I didn't see you arrive, let me get you a better table" etc etc.Make sure you arrive with an orphaned orangutang - (shoot both the parents for realism.) Give the ape to the waiter - leave with the bird.


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    #21
    TeletextPear
    Registered Users Posts: 2,413 ✭✭✭TeletextPear


    tallaght01 wrote: »
    On the plus side, you would make an amazing lesbian though :pac:

    time for a career change :D


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    #22
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭tallaght01


    funk-you wrote: »
    "Hi, I'm Trent Douglas. I'm an airline pilot. I trained in the airforce for two tours before deciding an a quieter life and moved to the commercial side. Yes i would like to have a few kids(i love them) and a nice big house but at the moment i'm concentrating more on experiencing the good things in life."

    -Funk


    Is it a good idea to add "while in the airforce I topped the confirmed-kills league table 3 years running. It involved some unauthorised cluster bombing of Iraqi villages. But that's me, unconventional and a bit of a loose cannon".

    Or does kill-rate chat turn the ladies off?

    :D


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    #23
    Creature
    Registered Users Posts: 3,005 ✭✭✭Creature


    Special forces commando. If she pushes for details just say it's classified. Don't forget to mention that you're trained to kill a man within 5 seconds using your bare hands.

    That or boards.ie moderator, I'm sure that gets all the ladies.














    ...to flee in terror


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    #24
    chickenhawk
    Registered Users Posts: 656 ✭✭✭chickenhawk


    funk-you wrote: »
    "Hi, I'm Trent Douglas. I'm an airline pilot. I trained in the airforce for two tours before deciding an a quieter life and moved to the commercial side. Yes i would like to have a few kids(i love them) and a nice big house but at the moment i'm concentrating more on experiencing the good things in life."

    -Funk

    Don't bother. They never believe the pilot line even if it's true (nearly). :(


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    #25
    funk-you
    Registered Users Posts: 2,743 ✭✭✭funk-you


    chickenhawk wrote: »
    Don't bother. They never believe the pilot line even if it's true (nearly). :(

    You'd be surprised. It's all in how you sell it. You need backstory with attention to detail.

    -Funk


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    #26
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 0 ✭ [Deleted User]


    suspectdevice wrote: »
    just tell her that you genuinely feel, no matter how corny it sounds to her, that sexual compatibility is the most important thing, that there is no point in wasting dates finding out about each others tastes in food, wines, clubs, books, music, movies or anything else and then when you get down to the nitty gritty that you don't find her sexy or she don't find you sexy.

    hump to fu'ck on the first night and if its good then its worth figuring the personal stuff later. you know, sure anyone can be a vegetarian if they get head like that very week.....


    I am dubious about the prospects of sexual fullfillment in the long term with someone who can't appreciate anticipation.

    However if like you he is prepared to give regular head to a girl who won't eat meat. Well then his luck might well be in.....


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    #27
    5starpool
    Subscribers Posts: 32,846 ✭✭✭✭5starpool


    If I have learned anything at all from TV it is that woman instantly love doctors, so who am I to disbelieve trashy American shows?

    Alternatively, but not too alternatively, tell her that you worked as a flying doctor in Australia for a few years. Otherwise tell her you are a taxi driver, and to reinforce that, sit backwards on the chair and look at her over your shoulder.


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    #28
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭tallaght01


    I've never brought my prejudices about anyone's dietary choices into the bedroom.

    Do members of the vegetarian community find sexual discrimination to be a big problem?

    :pac:


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    #29
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭tallaght01


    5starpool wrote: »
    If I have learned anything at all from TV it is that woman instantly love doctors, so who am I to disbelieve trashy American shows?

    Alternatively, but not too alternatively, tell her that you worked as a flying doctor in Australia for a few years. Otherwise tell her you are a taxi driver, and to reinforce that, sit backwards on the chair and look at her over your shoulder.

    American docs earn a fortune though!

    I'm lovin the idea about looking at her over me shoulder. If I charged her for the 8 minutes, I could make some cash out of her too.

    win-win situation, 5starpool. Good work.


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    #30
    The Hill Billy
    Registered Users Posts: 22,748 ✭✭✭✭The Hill Billy


    5starpool wrote: »
    If I have learned anything at all from TV it is that woman instantly love doctors, so who am I to disbelieve trashy American shows?
    Aye, that may be so... But I'd keep quiet about the galloping-knob-rot (that you may or may not have caught from a patient, possibly in the local STI clinic) that required drastic surgery some months ago. ;)


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    #31
    tallaght01
    Closed Accounts Posts: 5,778 ✭✭✭tallaght01


    Hill Billy wrote: »
    Aye, that may be so... But I'd keep quiet about the galloping-knob-rot (that you may or may not have caught from a patient, possibly in the local STI clinic) that required drastic surgery some months ago. ;)


    LOL

    I caight it off yer oulone :pac:


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