Should it be hard ?

LegacyUser · 30-04-2008 12:28pm #1

Im in a relationship , i love my partner , when we first met it genuinely was like we were meant to be together , we met abroad and turned out to be neighbors that never met before . He had lost a sibling , i had lost a best friend both of us knew this but never talked about it really it was still pretty raw for us both , things were absolutely unreal when we first met , completely and utterly in love , we still are .. we moved in together and got engaged but somewhere amongst everything we have ended up in couples counseling , due to both our pasts and how they affected us both resulting in unnecessary arguing and miscommunication... my question is , if its meant to be should we have to work so hard to keep it ?

AngryBadger · 30-04-2008 2:47pm

Nothing in life ever works simply because it's "meant to be". If you really believe it's meant to be, then you'll be willing to work for it to keep it alive. Rather than looking to the idea that "if this were somehow the intention of fate then it would be easy", you need to be looking at why you're suddenly asking yourself if this is worth fighting for.

If I was in your shoes, and I was saying that I really, truly, loved this person as I could love no other then there isn't a force in the cosmos that would keep us apart.....unless of course they didn't love me back....which would totally suck donkey balls....but I digress

K_P · 30-04-2008 2:53pm

I hate to break it to you but there's no such thing as "meant to be". What you're describing is the first rush of love/lust that happens at the beginning of a relationship. It happens to everyone and it also eventually fades away for everyone. If you're lucky there'll be a solid foundation there to keep you both going once that happens.

I don't really know what sort of advice to give not knowing the details of the problems you are having. But if the problems are with your individual pasts and if you love each other as much as ever, it sounds like there's hope for ye. But you need to start seeing your relationship not as something magical between two people cosmically destined to be together, but as one between two people who have faults and failings and are far from perfect. Every relationship requires work and, without knowing the details, all I can say is if it's worth having at all then it's worth working at.

MIN2511 · 30-04-2008 2:55pm

hmmmm

Sometimes love doesn't conquer all unfortunately, reality sets in and then most people can't cope... So far it seems both of you are trying to work things out(which is a plus), i think you should stick it out and be patient...

And answer to your question-Yes; love is hard, you have to work hard to make it work and maintain it...

LegacyUser · 30-04-2008 3:10pm

Its just that , we've been together 3 years but i get so down when i think about why we are in counseling .. we're both quite young ( mid 20's) and i cant help feeling a little bit ashamed to be in counseling , i dont want there to be something wrong but there is , we have huge communication issues , my partner stores everything up and then could let it all out over something tedious.. me , i take too much on instead of designating and then end up resenting , i do feel like the couseling is helping but should 2 people so young and so in love be in counseling ? why our relationship ?

AngryBadger · 30-04-2008 3:43pm

From the sounds of it you both have problems you need to address independently of your relationship, however, and this is normal, these problems are spilling over into your relationship.

I'm also in my mid-20s, and I'm of the opinion that people in our age bracket often have problems that they NEVER address. So i think ultimately all aspects of your lives will be enhanced as a result of constructive counselling sessions, both your romantic relationship, and other relationships you have away from each other.

In other words what I'm saying is that, from the sounds of it, maybe there isn't a problem with your relationships as such, but you both have your own personal problems which are having a poisoning effect when symptoms of these problems raise their heads within the context of your relationship.

I'm going to stop trying to clarify this now, while the getting's good as it were

littlefriend · 30-04-2008 11:44pm

Hi OP
I'm might be wandering a bit with this but there is a point in here somewhere

My brother died suddenly 14 years ago and I think my family are still in shock about it. We don't talk about it every day or anything but it has changed everything in our lives completely. Sometimes I realise that I haven't thought about it in a while and I wonder am I finally over it but really I know I'm not. Today I was listening to some commentary about Bertie's speech on the radio. The presenters were talking about him leaving politics and going on about how long it has been since he began as FF 's leader. I was listening away anyway and then it struck me that when he took over Mark was already dead. The thought of all he has missed [I dont mean Bertie

) really upset me. I couldn't stop crying about it - it was awful.

A couple of years after he died I started going out with this guy - like you we really fell in love hard. Looking back on it I think being so happy with him allowed me block out the feelings about my brother. The problem is with something as huge as a death like that it is impossible not to deal with it - its going to get you at some stage. I broke up with that guy 6 years later. When I did, all the stuff I'd been hiding from came right back up and Christ I was an absolute mess. No one really understood what was wrong with me as I had been the one to finish the relationship. Anyway, when I read your post I was thinking neither of you could really be over losing the two people in your lives those years ago. Don't underestimate what affect that has had on you.

I think perhaps you should go for counseling individually. Like someone in a previous post said the fights you are having could be nothing to do with your relationship at all. Carrying grief about a young death around is a very very difficult thing to do - perhaps you are both cracking under the strain of it. It doesn't mean your relationship is over, in fact, looking for problems in your relationship rather than dealing with your own issues might not help anything.

If you are still in love, and it sounds like you are, hold on to it.
I hope this makes some sense or is some help to you.

ps one think I will say to you -and I dont mean to take anything from the loss of your best friend- is that losing a family member is very very different than losing a friend. Someone else that I was extremely close to committed suicide 8 years ago - it was awful but different. I think that when a sibling dies you are carrying your family's grief as well as your own. Things like Christmas are dreadful because there is a bit of a shadow over everyone but no one wants to break down for fear of upsetting everyone else.

Overheal · 01-05-2008 12:58am

I'm told; "Love is something you Make". And making usually implies a bit of effort

Cheer up miss; we all have problems and the best people are the ones that work through them rather than avoid them. You're on the right track

Wibbs · 01-05-2008 9:32am

AngryBadger wrote: »

I'm also in my mid-20s, and I'm of the opinion that people in our age bracket often have problems that they NEVER address.

Good post that. This part stood out as I reckon it has a hell of a lot of truth in it. I would say that of those I knew in my 20's(including myself for that matter) quite a few had those unresolved problems. I see it still with people in the same age bracket. It's the ideal time to address these problems before they become your default setting, covered up by practice and facade. An all too easy path to take. Many of those same people I knew I see now in their late 30's being affected by them. Every so often we all need to take a time out mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically so that we can really look at ourselves and see where we need to improve ourselves for ourselves. To see how we may need to change to be the best example of us that we can be.

LegacyUser · 01-05-2008 9:41am

Honestly , from the bottom of my heart thanks to every single of one of you for posting you will never know how much they mean to me.
Little friend im so sorry about your brother but your post was amazing and an eye opener for me so thank you so much.
Honestly , everyone , thank you , i feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is an amazing site . therapy in itself.

AngryBadger · 01-05-2008 10:12am

Wibbs wrote: »

Good post that...

Thanks Wibbs, you're a handsome, handsome man

And wise beyond your ears

:D:D:D:D

Puffin · 01-05-2008 2:28pm

While this is slightly off topic it might be useful.

A good relationship rule- the basis of a long term partnership/marriage should be 50% ‘sexy’ and 50% ‘boring’.

‘Sexy’ bits include sex, private jokes and pet names, physical attraction, going on holidays, making each other laugh, eating out and raucous nights with friends

‘Boring’ bits include wanting to live in the same area, agreeing on approximately how much one should pay for a pair of shoes, agreeing on how clean the house should be and who should clean it, similar views on whether to have kids and how to raise them, and the ability to negotiate where to spend Christmas day

Obviously, the sexy bits come a lot more easily.

And at the risk being very negative, the ‘boring’ bits are very very important. If you can’t agree on them, they will grind down the ‘sexy’ bits.

LegacyUser · 01-05-2008 3:26pm

Because neither of us have been in as committed relationship as this one it was hard taking care of all the boring stuff but i agree with you , its totally important ...definitely as of much importance as the sexy stuff is !
The last few months things were absolutely great between us , we both agree that we've never felt closer but my OH went mad over something and and went back to a way that doesn't suit him... i cant tell you how disappointed i was with him...i felt my heart actually sinks to my boots cause i thought we were making real progree, i feel like he threw away the last few months that meant so much to me because he couldn't control himself and his actions ....
I do agree that we both have individual problems and and we are going to see the counselor individually as i think this is priority at the moment and hopefully our relationship wont suffer anymore ...

Should it be hard ?

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