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I sometimes have crushes on other guys

SuzanneDx

I've been with my boyfriend around a year and we have a great relationship, and I love him dearly. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else and he's supported me and loved me through difficult times. We share so many beautiful things together and he makes me feel amazing.

But the thing is, I sometimes have little crushes and feelings for other guys. Nothing too serious, but recently I read an article about this and now I think I need to tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling when it comes up for me, because in our relationship we've always had clear and open/honest communication. I think he will be fine and I think this will be healthy for our relationship.

The article that prompted me to communicate with my partner is (oh, it won't let me post links so):
Type into google: good therapy how to tell your partner you have a crush on someone else

They advocate something along the lines of; “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are”.

I don't want to keep anything from my partner... so now I feel it's time to tell him. Because recently in my circle of friends, I met a guy through another friend of mine, and I really felt a bit of attraction towards him. The group ended up at a friends house, and me and this guy were really discovering we had a lot of things in common and he felt very passionate about particular things that are close to my heart. I mentioned my boyfriend of course, so he's clear that I'm not "playing the field", but at the same time he asked me would I like to meet for a coffee sometime... and I can't deny that, yes, I would like to meet him and hang out. I don't have any intention of cheating btw... I just feel nice warm feelings and is there really anything wrong with that?

Thanks for any tips on how to manage my emotions here. It's rare that I have these crushes but when they come, I don't want to feel like I'm hiding something, etc.

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Keane2baMused

Lavinia wrote: »

seriously?

gz. i read, i said what i said. to OP. as I understand her perfectly me thinks.
which part was unclear to you in my short message?

i prefer the truth, always was, always will. its great to live in truth, but not everyone can do it.

do you have any problem with that?

There's a big difference between telling your OH you have a little crush but not acting on it. The OP went on a date with this person.

Lavinia

Keane2baMused wrote: »

There's a big difference between telling your OH you have a little crush but not acting on it. The OP went on a date with this person.

And how do you know I haven't? And how do you know how far I went lol...

suicide_circus

OP, you are what is known as a head melter.

You have no business in a committed relationship as evidenced by some of the utter claptrap you have been spouting here.

Imagine how your boyfriend would feel if he read this thread. I really feel for the guy. Do him a favour and break up with him and hopefully he can find someone with respect, cop on and maturity to be in a relationship with him.

batmanrobin

Lavinia wrote: »

And how do you know I haven't? And how do you know how far I went lol...

I think Keane was referring more so to to OP... Whose thread this is about.

leggo

I remember the first time someone told me about the positives of cocaine. "It gives you so much confidence man!" they explained enthusiastically. And I just kinda felt sorry for them. Why did they need to pay money and do drugs to get confidence?

The same goes for situations like this. Lavinia semi-bragging in implying she's cheated on past partners as if that's some kind of achievement just makes me feel bad for her, and the OP similarly, who has a history of infidelity too.

As hurtful as it is to your partner, it's not an achievement to be able to seek and obtain the attention of the opposite sex. It's pretty standard for most people. Same as most people not needing to snort dangerous narcotics up their nose to be confident. To find someone who actually loves you and wants to be your partner, and for whom you wish to forsake the attention of others (as the OP has stated she does), is much more difficult. And when you understand what the love of another human being is and the depths that it can grow to, you also understand that it is something that should be cherished and not meddled with or 'tested' for the sake of it. You definitely shouldn't actively try and do things that would hurt your partner if they found out. You're not achieving anything there beyond just being a self-loathing dick. Congrats on that.*

For the OP or Lavinia to need to seek that attention off other men, for Lavinia to then partially brag unabashedly about doing so and for the OP to be in complete denial about her wrongdoing here, that just makes me feel sorry for you guys. You must struggle to love yourselves if the love and attention of another person isn't enough for you and you must seek it outside of the relationship. It's an act of low self-esteem, not achievement. And that's the root of the problem that needs to be dealt with. You need to learn how to be whole within yourself so you can then give your partner back what they give to you and not look to be supplemented by others because you're looking to fill an infinite void within yourself.

The way you're actually going about it, though? That'll only add guilt to the mix. And if it hasn't hit you yet, then it's either gonna catch up on you in a big way when you start to fill that void, or you'll just never fill it and life will get progressively worse as you age and find your abilities to attract attention waning. You're actually compounding the problem and making it twice as bad as it is now. Like I said, I've been there. My own mistake was more a drunken ****-up than a premeditated plan, and even then the guilt of hurting someone who loved me because of me selfishly failing to deal with my own insecurities is something that made me getting over said struggles twice as difficult.

So it's your call guys. You can continue to ignore the problem and act like hurting people is okay and struggle later, or you can accept it for what it is and act now. OP if I was you, I'd start soon. Confess what you did to the boyfriend and let him react however he will then deal with the consequences. Or you're dooming this relationship and just wasting everyone's time, including your own.

*I'm not looking to insult or be inflammatory there, just confronting them with the harsh reality. Feel free to edit mods if you feel it crosses the line.

Lavinia

batmanrobin wrote: »

I think Keane was referring more so to to OP... Whose thread this is about.

Yes, and so I shared with OP my experience, that she know she is not the only one and that there are ore people in this world wh think in a similar manner.
Also to encourage her to pursue what she perceives as right thing to do and what would make her happy.

I see nothing wrong with it.

Right people will understand and appreciate. Wrong ones will walk away, which is also okay.
Besides I know lot of people who live in a similar manner and are happy healthy and totally cool persons

and yes, I love them lots, for many many years now.

Jack Killian

Lavinia wrote: »

Yes, and so I shared with OP my experience, that she know she is not the only one and that there are ore people in this world wh think in a similar manner.
Also to encourage her to pursue what she perceives as right thing to do and what would make her happy.

....and her boyfriend ? Should he not be happy ?

Lavinia

Jack Killian wrote: »

....and her boyfriend ? Should he not be happy ?

If they are not compatible he will not be happy anyways. Nor her.
Sometimes love is not enough to stay in a relationship, they can love each other still and remain friends but find partners that would share their deeper believes.
We have this one life anyway and the time is flying.. so why not follow the road that is attracting you rather than try to be something you are not.
No one is happy with that. Even if you try it and endure for few months or years or even decades, who guaranties you both would not be happier or achieve more with people who are more compatible with you.
We people are not all the same.. Sometimes you may walk out of someone (or free them from yourself) exactly because you love that person. To me it is not selfish at all.

Jack Killian

Lavinia wrote: »

If they are not compatible he will not be happy anyways. Nor her.
Sometimes love is not enough to stay in a relationship, they can love each other still and remain friends but find partners that would share their deeper believes.
We have this one life anyway and the time is flying.. so why not follow the road that is attracting you rather than try to be something you are not.
No one is happy with that. Even if you try it and endure for few months or years or even decades, who guaranties you both would not be happier or achieve more with people who are more compatible with you.

Agreed. So then end the relationship and move on.

Lavinia

Jack Killian wrote: »

Agreed. So then end the relationship and move on.

That is one option. The other is that that relationship may become stronger than ever. It is as if you and your partner go to another level of intimacy. Does not mean it is easy. So yes, not at all for people, eg who would not be open to that.
But if I'd be in OP's place, I'd talk with my partner and see how he feels and thinks about it. Id give him a chance to know the full truth and to have freedom to decide for himself if he wants to proceed with me or not, would hear his opinion and take it into consideration also. Be careful how to approach him and what to say.

Jack Killian

Lavinia wrote: »

That is one option. The other is that that relationship may become stronger than ever. It is as if you and your partner go to another level of intimacy. Does not mean it is easy. So yes, not at all for people, eg who would not be open to that.
But if I'd be in OP's place, I'd talk with my partner and see how he feels and thinks about it. Id give him a chance to know the full truth and to have freedom to decide for himself if he wants to proceed with me or not, would hear his opinion and take it into consideration also. Be careful how to approach him and what to say.

Yes, that's an option - let him know ALL the facts and decide for himself. He might want an open relationship where he could go for coffee dates with hotties and/or engaging conversationalists.

My worry would be your "be careful..... what to say" though; it should be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Hiding anything at all would be deceit.

Lavinia

Jack Killian wrote: »

Yes, that's an option - let him know ALL the facts and decide for himself. He might want an open relationship where he could go for coffee dates with hotties and/or engaging conversationalists.

My worry would be your "be careful..... what to say" though; it should be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Hiding anything at all would be deceit.

Yes absolutely. Careful in terms to say things with love.
But first thing is to be able to be totally honest with myself - or OP with herself.
What is that I really want and what are my reasons, and to proceed from there.
I also am happy to know people who live in monogamous relationship and marriage and are really loving each other and happy like that. Not too many though, but few rare ones.
Majority is in-between, staying in relationships/marriages for all different reasons but lose love and respect along the way, lose themselves and behave in a bad manner, doing stuff behind their partners backs and for me that is terrible.
Be honest with yourself and go for it. That is the most important thing, and yes, for me that is real love.

Lavinia

ps. and of course, giving freedom to yourself absolutely means you have to be capable to give and support the freedom of your partner. otherwise it has most chances to became hell for both of ye. and others involved.

Big Bag of Chips

So originally you wanted to admit everything to your partner because you felt the honesty would make your relationship better.... So now how does your relationship feel that you've lied to him? Well maybe you didn't directly lie, but you omitted some fairly fundamental details behind the real reason for "meeting a friend for coffee".

Your bf has crushes on other people too. You're not unique. You're not so wonderful and beautiful that he became blind to every other girl the day you 2 started seeing each other. So he does fancy others. How would you feel if he came to you, told you he fancied "Ann"? Told you he got the feeling "Ann" felt the same about him. Felt they had a really deep connection. Clicked on so many levels, levels that YOU don't click on as a couple. And felt that he owed it to himself, and you, and "Ann", to test himself. Would you be delighted to see him go off on his "little date"? And be sitting at home, excitedly awaiting the outcome of the "test"? Or how would you feel if you found out after the event? And found out he'd lied to you about it? How would you feel if he went on a few different dates, telling you he was "meeting a friend" and came home from one saying he felt more the friend than you, and he was leaving you for her? Would you feel lied to?

If you're still a fairly young relationships, then maybe you're still in the early phases of seeing if you are committed to each other. But when do you stop "testing" yourself? 1 year? 3 years? After you move in together? After you have kids? Get married? What if you keep having this crushes and deep connections with others. Do you just keep "testing" yourself to make sure it is still your bf that you want to be with? What happens one day if the test "fails" and you realise you want to spend a bit more time testing yourself?

Don't fool yourself that you are growing up, and maturing and becoming a better partner in a stronger relationship. You are now hiding something small, but significant, from your bf. You're right btw not to tell him. Because you would seriously upset him if you did. Maybe think about HIM the next time you fancy a "date" with someone else. And think how he'd feel if he knew the truth of what you were actually up to.

LegacyUser

SuzanneDx wrote: »

But I don't feel I have any need of another man in my life, but I do like hanging out with guys and before my current relationship, I've often had friendships with guys where we would hang out a lot, cook, and even sleep together in the same bed or stay up talking for hours and hours. Maybe even have a little closeness/hugging, and a deep emotional connection... but other than that just platonic (no kissing, sex, intimate touching, etc.). I've had a few of these kinds of friendships and I kind of see them as a sort of grey area... these guys are more than just friends, but not boyfriends either and it just never gets to that stage. But we'd hang out a lot and enjoy each others company. And now that I'm in a "real relatiosnhip", maybe I miss these kinds of platonic-but-more-than-just-friends types of men in my life. hmmm... I'm complex I know...

Ah seriously OP. You're not 'complex' at all, what an almighty deluded self-justification that is. You're no different from your average cheater; maybe not a physical cheater - yet - but you are emotionally cheating, and looking for validation that it's ok to do so. You are trying your best to have your cake and eat it: being in a relationship, whilst actively trying on other guys for size.

That's not 'complex'. It's quite horrible behaviour, and you should let you BF go before you royally F with his head when he finds out. I actually literally cannot believe you wanted to tell him this cr*p as it would 'make your relationship stronger'. What a crock.

You're deluding yourself about your behaviour, and you're hoodwinking him. If you want to play the field or look for random guys to validate your existence, well then off you pop. You are being a liar to your BF by staying with him during your experimental period though - and you are lying to yourself too

Harsh but true: You're not complex at all, you're needy for attention, and a plain old simple textbook cheater.

Pyramid12

OP you need to tell your OH the truth, that aren't sure you can control yourself around other men such that you need to arrange dates to "test yourself".

It's only fair that he should know exactly who he is in a relationship with so he can decide for himself if that is the type of woman he wants to be with.

The worst thing here isn't that you don't seem capable of a monogomous relationship, thats fine and not for everyone, it's the deception and rationalisations that make it a dangerous combination which gives you the potential to destroy people's lives.

Lavinia

leggo wrote: »

For the OP or Lavinia to need to seek that attention off other men, for Lavinia to then partially brag unabashedly about doing so and for the OP to be in complete denial about her wrongdoing here, that just makes me feel sorry for you guys. You must struggle to love yourselves if the love and attention of another person isn't enough for you and you must seek it outside of the relationship. It's an act of low self-esteem, not achievement. And that's the root of the problem that needs to be dealt with. You need to learn how to be whole within yourself so you can then give your partner back what they give to you and not look to be supplemented by others because you're looking to fill an infinite void within yourself.

If I do not know myself as well as I do, and I do know myself very well, Id be very worried for myself.
Jeez, what projections you are making to someone you do not know at all.
I am very confident person, never seeked attention but got more than I could handle.
It just happened and is still happening. I am fully aware that my being is different than majority so what. I am ready even to stay alone for the rest of my life, but I will not pretend to be something I am not. Lost many years of my life trying to fit in, didn't lead anywhere.
Actually, I believe sooner or later people will be able to throw away poisonous feelings such as jealousy and possessiveness an realize that love can only be lived if freedom is also there. Freedom with love, with respect, with honesty. To majority this is science fiction, but so be it.
Not for everyone though, and that is also okay.
To each its own.

@OP: try to see within yourself what is your real interest and drive and passion, or believes and vision. Listening to other people (me included) sometimes helps but sometimes leads you to sideways that are not yours. I do not doubt good intentions of everyone writing here. But it may not be your way. In the end it will be and is up to you, and you only. It is your life.

leggo

Lavinia wrote: »

If I do not know myself as well as I do, and I do know myself very well, Id be very worried for myself.
Jeez, what projections you are making to someone you do not know at all.
I am very confident person, never seeked attention but got more than I could handle.
It just happened and is still happening. I am fully aware that my being is different than majority so what. I am ready even to stay alone for the rest of my life, but I will not pretend to be something I am not. Lost many years of my life trying to fit in, didn't lead anywhere.
Actually, I believe sooner or later people will be able to throw away poisonous feelings such as jealousy and possessiveness an realize that love can only be lived if freedom is also there. Freedom with love, with respect, with honesty. To majority this is science fiction, but so be it.
Not for everyone though, and that is also okay.
To each its own.

If I said I was gonna fix your car, then didn't, and you were left without a car for a week, you'd have a right to be mad. You wouldn't be jealous or possessive because of that. You'd be mad because I made a commitment and failed to honour it.

Same logic applies here.

Re-read this thread. When the OP first posted, everyone said she'd be crazy to tell her bf about having little crushes on other guys. Then that flipped because she acted on it. The problem isn't her feelings, as you seem to be focusing on while conveniently ignoring the actual issue at hand: that she was committed to this guy and went on to cheat on him by going on a date with another guy. There's no complexity to it. We've no indication he's jealous or possessive. She just lied.

Big Bag of Chips

Lavinia wrote: »

In the end it will be and is up to you, and you only. It is your life.

That's not strictly true though, is it? If she is in, as her boyfriend believes it to be, an exclusive relationship, then it is not up to her and only her to decide that it is ok to go on "little dates" and "test" herself with other fellas that she has crushes on. If that's the kind of relationship you intend having, OP, then you absolutely must tell your bf. You have to give him the chance to either agree to it (and be allowed go on similar dates with girls he has a crush on) or to say it's not for him.

But you don't get to unilaterally decide what sort of relationship your bf (unwittingly) is in.

triona1

Lavinia

leggo wrote: »

If I said I was gonna fix your car, then didn't, and you were left without a car for a week, you'd have a right to be mad. You wouldn't be jealous or possessive because of that. You'd be mad because I made a commitment and failed to honour it.

Same logic applies here.

Re-read this thread. When the OP first posted, everyone said she'd be crazy to tell her bf about having little crushes on other guys. Then that flipped because she acted on it. The problem isn't her feelings, as you seem to be focusing on while conveniently ignoring the actual issue at hand: that she was committed to this guy and went on to cheat on him by going on a date with another guy. There's no complexity to it. We've no indication he's jealous or possessive. She just lied.

This is invention of other people on this thread. OP never "went to cheat on her bf" and she said so. She also said that she told her bf she will meet this guy.
As I see she didn't tell him "all the details" and that is wrong of course, she said she didn't cause of some of the posts here.
Well that was also not nice to blame other posters here for herself not being fully open and honest. But she did start this thread as she needed advise, otherwise we would not be typing here any of this.
So please do not judge her so harshly, or jump to conclusions just cause everyone is clapping.

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

That's not strictly true though, is it? If she is in, as her boyfriend believes it to be, an exclusive relationship, then it is not up to her and only her to decide that it is ok to go on "little dates" and "test" herself with other fellas that she has crushes on. If that's the kind of relationship you intend having, OP, then you absolutely must tell your bf. You have to give him the chance to either agree to it (and be allowed go on similar dates with girls he has a crush on) or to say it's not for him.

But you don't get to unilaterally decide what sort of relationship your bf (unwittingly) is in.

What is not strictly true?
Other that that sentence I agree with the rest -as basically that is exactly what I wrote already..

leggo

But she did cheat on her boyfriend. Going out on dates with other men, whether you solidify it with sex or not, is cheating.

And I'm not responding 'because other people are clapping'. I'm responding because you quoted my post and addressed me...

KikiDee

Look the fact is, you lied to your bf OP. You have a crush, big whoop. We all get them. We've all been in relationships where we may have taken a second glance at someone else. It's not a big deal. OP you took it to the next level and met with your crush without telling the bf. From what I can gather, the bf was informed afterwards? If that was me, I'd be hurt, angry and honestly considering my 'serious' relationship with the person that would do that.

OP, tbh, I think you need to have a chat with yourself about what you want. Crushing on other guys is natural but actually going on a 'date' with them would make me think your relationship isn't fulfilling something for you.

batmanrobin

Lavinia, Her not telling her bf all the details because of what some of us have said on here is the biggest bloody cop out!

She cheated. She might not, as another poster said, have had sex, but she absolutely did cheat.

This was not a casual coffee meet up with a friend or acquaintance, this was a date with a guy she potentially had feelings for. She went out with him knowing that something could have happened. She might not want to admit that it was a date because she is trying to minimise her responsibility to her bf, but it was.

Like another poster said, she is a cheater plain and simple. Nothing complex about it or unique.

OP, you've already done your bf wrong by going out with someone else. Don't continue that by keeping him in the dark. Tell him exactly what you told us here and let him decide whether he wants to be with you. Because it actually is no longer your choice whether this relationship continues.

Lavinia

Perhaps definition of cheating should be established, as we probably do not hold the same ones.
I mean on - where do you draw a line - in order to call someone a cheater. (That is also what I meant when said "cause everyone is clapping" = calling her a cheater).
Would a cheater be the person who sees everyday attractive people on the street, have a small or bigger inner reaction to them possibly of sexual nature also, but does not tell about that to their partner - a cheater? (dos not have to be on the street, I'm just saying).

I think the OP has been judged harshly and characterized as a "cheater", because she went to see another guy. Even if only to "test" herself.
I believe she didn't do anything with this guy because she actually didn't want to - cheat - because of her boyfriend.

If she has a history of misbehaviours in her past then perhaps it was a good thing for her and her boyfriend and their relationship.

Still I think she should tell her boyfriend openly about her troubles and then take it from there. He may have have understanding for that after all and she may be surprised, as it sounds he loves her and enjoys being with her.

leggo

We don't really need to agree. Society has written that contract for us. When you commit to being in a relationship, it implies that you don't pursue other romantic interests because you have, indeed, committed to this person.

To assume that your partner is okay with you doing so is such a MASSIVE leap from the social norm, it is literally the opposite of what you've agreed to. Not that it can't work, but it's the kind of thing that, yes, you do need to at least run that by them if your definition of a committed relationship involves not actually committing and pursuing other relationships. Go back to the car example: when I agreed to fix your car, if I, when I said those words, actually meant "I'm actually going to do nothing"...you'd feel like I should have ran my definition of 'fix' by you, wouldn't you? Because what I delivered was the opposite of what I agreed to.

The breaking of that contract is, therefore, cheating. It doesn't have to be physical. The evidence that she knows she's broken the contract, and therefore cheated, is that she doesn't want to tell her boyfriend the truth.

Again, sometimes lying is just lying. No complexity to it.