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I sometimes have crushes on other guys

SuzanneDx

I've been with my boyfriend around a year and we have a great relationship, and I love him dearly. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else and he's supported me and loved me through difficult times. We share so many beautiful things together and he makes me feel amazing.

But the thing is, I sometimes have little crushes and feelings for other guys. Nothing too serious, but recently I read an article about this and now I think I need to tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling when it comes up for me, because in our relationship we've always had clear and open/honest communication. I think he will be fine and I think this will be healthy for our relationship.

The article that prompted me to communicate with my partner is (oh, it won't let me post links so):
Type into google: good therapy how to tell your partner you have a crush on someone else

They advocate something along the lines of; “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are”.

I don't want to keep anything from my partner... so now I feel it's time to tell him. Because recently in my circle of friends, I met a guy through another friend of mine, and I really felt a bit of attraction towards him. The group ended up at a friends house, and me and this guy were really discovering we had a lot of things in common and he felt very passionate about particular things that are close to my heart. I mentioned my boyfriend of course, so he's clear that I'm not "playing the field", but at the same time he asked me would I like to meet for a coffee sometime... and I can't deny that, yes, I would like to meet him and hang out. I don't have any intention of cheating btw... I just feel nice warm feelings and is there really anything wrong with that?

Thanks for any tips on how to manage my emotions here. It's rare that I have these crushes but when they come, I don't want to feel like I'm hiding something, etc.

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charlietheminxx

I would be so upset if my boyfriend told me about someone he had a crush on. I am sure he's fancied other people through the course of our relationship but if he felt the need to tell me, it would instantly indicate to me that there's more than just a passing attraction there. I would be racked with insecurity and start measuring myself up against the other woman.

If I found out he was going for a coffee date (and it is basically a date) with this woman he has a crush on, it would destroy me.

Honestly OP put yourself in that situation for a few minutes, imagine your OH telling you about sexy Lara from the office who he has a bit of a thing for. Then imagine him telling you he's going for a drink with her. Would it not bother you?

It's one thing to find someone attractive, it's another thing to tear someone else's head up over it, and worse again to plan to see the other person to get a warm fuzzy feeling.

Do you think maybe you shouldn't be in this relationship?

SuzanneDx

I'm sorry if I didn't explain it properly, but I'm not going to "act on" my current crush. I only met this guy a couple of weeks back and I really like him as a person. Also, he is currently doing some work which I find very important in the world and it lines up with my ethical views. I really enjoy having long and interesting conversations with him.

But I'm in love with my bf and he treats me amazingly well, and makes me feel so loved and so happy. And I love living with him. We work great together as a team and I don't think I've ever felt like this before for any other guy. Why would I throw that away? I wouldn't.

So I agree, it's best to just keep my own "warm fuzzy feelings" to myself. But can I stop myself having them? Why would I want to? Isn't it normal to want to experience nice, deep and loving connections with any human being we meet? It doesn't have to lead to sex. Which is why I would like to be more open about it, and not "hide" the aspect of my personality that just wants to explore other close relationships and friendships in a way that allows me to keep my relationship as well. For now I'm happy to just let my bf know I'm meeting a guy for a coffee and it's just a friend of mine. He's not the jealous type and he won't think too much about it. And he doesn't need to know all of the details of my friendships, as you guys are right - it might make him worry unneccessarily.

SuzanneDx

But I don't feel I have any need of another man in my life, but I do like hanging out with guys and before my current relationship, I've often had friendships with guys where we would hang out a lot, cook, and even sleep together in the same bed or stay up talking for hours and hours. Maybe even have a little closeness/hugging, and a deep emotional connection... but other than that just platonic (no kissing, sex, intimate touching, etc.). I've had a few of these kinds of friendships and I kind of see them as a sort of grey area... these guys are more than just friends, but not boyfriends either and it just never gets to that stage. But we'd hang out a lot and enjoy each others company. And now that I'm in a "real relatiosnhip", maybe I miss these kinds of platonic-but-more-than-just-friends types of men in my life. hmmm... I'm complex I know...

Virgil°

SuzanneDx wrote: »

So I agree, it's best to just keep my own "warm fuzzy feelings" to myself. But can I stop myself having them?

You can't make yourself stop feeling them but you CAN prevent them from going further. You're current course of action ensures the opposite.

Why would I want to? Isn't it normal to want to experience nice, deep and loving connections with any human being we meet?

No it isn't. That should be reserved for your boyfriend.

It doesn't have to lead to sex..

I suspect you don't realise just how close to cheating you actually are. You might think you're unique or somehow above it all, but trust me , you are not. Many a cheater started out the same. Same excuses, same justification.

I think like the other posters have said OP you seriously need to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes. How would you feel if your boyfriend was planning on going to coffee with some attractive female he had the hots for, with a view to kindling a "deep and loving connection" whatever that means?

pgj2015

SuzanneDx wrote: »

But I don't feel I have any need of another man in my life, but I do like hanging out with guys and before my current relationship, I've often had friendships with guys where we would hang out a lot, cook, and even sleep together in the same bed or stay up talking for hours and hours. Maybe even have a little closeness/hugging, and a deep emotional connection... but other than that just platonic (no kissing, sex, intimate touching, etc.). I've had a few of these kinds of friendships and I kind of see them as a sort of grey area... these guys are more than just friends, but not boyfriends either and it just never gets to that stage. But we'd hang out a lot and enjoy each others company. And now that I'm in a "real relatiosnhip", maybe I miss these kinds of platonic-but-more-than-just-friends types of men in my life. hmmm... I'm complex I know...

what are you talking about?, you are either friends or friends with benifits or boyfrind and girlfriend, more than friends is friends with benifits not hugging friends. its likely these more than friends of yours want more than hugging by the way.

batmanrobin

pgj2015 wrote: »

what are you talking about?, you are either friends or not. its likely these more than friends of yours want more than hugging by the way.

I'd say most of them were suffering with a case of blue balls!

Seriously OP you need to cop onto yourself a small bit. Deep, loving connections with everyone... No! With family and close friends and partners, yes. Put yourself in your bf's shoes and quit this nonsense carry on. Like I said above, you seem to be looking for drama.

Jack Killian

SuzanneDx wrote: »

Well we've agreed that we're in an exclusive relationship, and we've both had "the chat" where we agreed that we aren't going to be with people outside of this relationship. So, I don't feel like I'm playing any games here, my bf knows that I'm committed. And other guys who appear to fancy me, or ask me out, I make sure I mention my BF also early on.

But I'm just being honest... I'm human and I don't claim to be perfect at controlling my emotions. I think my BF knows this well enough.

Have you guys read that article I tried to post? Boards won't let me post URLs but it sounds like this sharing of could bring us closer together, and would actually be a preventative measure against pent up feelings of attraction.

In situations like this it's usually a good exercise to hypothetically reverse roles.

If he sat you down and told you he had crushes on other women, would you say "thanks for being honest, what's on TV?" or would you say "why are you telling me this ?" and drive yourself nuts ?

leggo

Look up 'emotional cheating' OP. Many people, myself included, would argue that you've already done it.

All of these feelings you're feeling for other men: when you commit to someone your boyfriend is supposed to be the sole provider of them. That's what your commitment is. Commitment isn't just a physical thing. Of course your boyfriend can't be every man and share every single interest and thought that you have, but you weigh it up on balance and decide if you want a committed relationship with one man that's worth forgoing the rest, or not.

It's okay to have friendships with members of the opposite sex and little crushes too. But it's also crucial to put boundaries in place and not to act on them. For example, I have people in my life I'll never go drinking or out in general with once I'm in a relationship because I know there's something that could potentially happen. Like you I'm aware that I'm not perfect, and that also means I'm capable of making mistakes I can't take back in the moment (as is everyone I believe). They mean something to me and there's possible romantic feelings there, either love or lust, and I acknowledge this and that I'm human. So the people I'm friends with that this applies to become just distant 'Facebook friends' when I'm with someone and that's just how it is because I respect the commitment I made to my partner. I don't stay friends with people I cross the line with physically, ever. Literally. There's not one person I have any contact with that I've so much as kissed in my life. They're my boundaries. I'm not saying everyone should have the same level, but you should have your own and your partner should be completely on-board with them. I think you should be completely honest with him about the theory behind what you're saying, but not the specifics, to see how he feels and then make sure you two are in-sync.

You're already acting on yours by following up with and trying to build a deeper connection with someone you know you have romantic feelings for. You ARE cheating by going on this date or even thinking about it. Whether you put a stamp on it by having sex with him is irrelevant.

You need to do some soul-searching. Are you emotionally ready to commit to one man if you can't forego the deep connection and attention of other men? Do you truly love this man if you aren't, or are you using him and Googling articles that could've been written by anyone that tells you what you want to hear?

Personally I don't think it sounds like you're ready for a relationship. You could try force yourself to be by listening to everyone here (you're not going to get the answer you're looking for btw), but I fear that'll only cause you to resent this guy. You may love your current boyfriend, but these feelings are bubbling up for a reason and trying to tell you something: that you have growing up to do and stuff to get out of your system before you're emotionally ready to give someone full commitment and intimacy. Deny this all you want and act on your crushes, all that'll happen there is you'll continue to justify your minor misdeeds until you end up seriously hurting someone you love. I did the exact same myself and learned the hard way when I was young and in my first relationship. The guilt stays with you for life.

FluffyAngel

SuzanneDx wrote: »

So I agree, it's best to just keep my own "warm fuzzy feelings" to myself. But can I stop myself having them? Why would I want to? Isn't it normal to want to experience nice, deep and loving connections with any human being we meet? It doesn't have to lead to sex.

the above quote is where u are ,you are trying to convince yourself that its only sex when you cheat?
cheating doesn't mean sex,some of my best relationships were without sex,because i invested fully In body mind and spirit

my feeling is that your telling yourself that its only cheating when sex happens,because deep down you know its cheating,now your looking for affirmation from boards.. my view is you are cheating

best of luck

[Deleted User]

There is no such thing as a "transparent" relationship. Everyone hides little things from their partner and I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing - there's a difference between, "hey, that's an attractive man/woman, don't you think?", which is a fleeting glance and, "I have a crush on X", which, to me, adds in a much deeper feeling.

Don't tell your partner. It will achieve nothing, but placing a shadow of doubt in their head.

And don't take what you read in a magazine as gospel truth. 99% of what they say won't apply to your particular relationship, your particular boyfriend, your particular circumstance.

SuzanneDx

hey guys,

thanks again for the feedback on this. leggo, it's interesting what you've said about emotional cheating btw...

Well anyway, I met the guy. And you know, I'm glad I did. We had a lot of things in common and he's given me some help and ideas about some work I'm currently trying to do for my career. We share some very unique traits in certain things. It was just good company, a nice chat, and a lot of friendliness. And sharing of great food. And it's not like he doesn't know I have a bf.

In the end, I did kind of have the feeling he fancied me though. He gave some compliments, and then asked if I was free the next day (or day after) to meet and hang out. My feeling was... no. I was happy to leave things where they were. I told him I'd had a nice evening, but that I was not really available to meet up again, and I think he gets the message that I don't want to persue anything more.

And it felt good to feel that sense of "no thanks". I'm glad I went to meet him, and I'm also glad I had the feeling of "why should we try and make something more out of this when I'm already happy with by bf?". Now I feel even stronger in my relationship and I'm so happy to go back home to my bf cos I know he's the one for me.

Sometimes I think there is a part of me that just liked to "test out" my relationship sometimes,or test out myself actually - because maybe sometimes I have doubt about how much I should be trusted. and in this case I had the definite feeling that I don't want to persue anything outside my relationship and I probably won't in future. But of course, I don't know for certain - things can change over time right? But perhaps these little dates are no harm if they make me feel happier and stronger in my relationship. Maybe if I hadn't gone to meet this guy I would have been wondering "oh but is it possible that I'd want to be with someone else".... whereas right now I feel 100% clear that I don't want to be with anyone else.

I know it's stupid, but maybe going on that "date" was something I needed to do for myself. It's like sometimes I'm a little bit almost afraid that some day I might have more serious feelings for others or might emotionally cheat or cheat outright (when I was a teenager I was terrible for cheating on my bfs so I have a lack of self trust), and after doing something like this I feel more and more certain that I won't, and I don't want to cheat in any way, and I feel like my feelings for my bf are a lot more clear.

batmanrobin

Ugh, your bf has my sympathies. By the way, going on these "little dates" as you call them does constitute cheating. I can't imagine you'd be too happy if your bf did it to you. You sound like an incredibly selfish, immature individual. Too immature to be in a committed relationship. Your bf deserves better.

SuzanneDx

batmanrobin wrote: »

Ugh, your bf has my sympathies. By the way, going on these "little dates" as you call them does constitute cheating. I can't imagine you'd be too happy if your bf did it to you. You sound like an incredibly selfish, immature individual. Too immature to be in a committed relationship. Your bf deserves better.

It's cheating? Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. And you make it sound like I go on these "little dates" regularly just waiting for something to happen, I honestly don't. Most of my friends are female at the moment and I don't get to hang out with so many guys apart from my bf and another male friend I regularly meet with for chats.

And I felt much more at peace with myself when I realised that I didn't want to start something with this guy and happily go back to my bf. Sure, maybe there was potential for something to happen... maybe I did have *some* feelings for this guy, but in the end I realised that I'm in a happily committed relationship and it's a case of "what's the point?". Why start something up, why meet again for another cup of coffee, why go deeper into it, when I'm so very happy and in love with my bf?

I haven't cheated. And I won't. I can't guarantee I will be with my bf forever, but who can? There is no guarantee he will love me forever either. But for now, I'm sure about how I feel and I'm happy with that... I feel you're judging me unfairly. You're right, maybe I'm a little immature, and I am 6 years younger than my bf, but I feel I'm slowly getting to the point that I'm cool with being in a committed relationship. It's not always easy cos I've been a little unsettled in the past but these are my "growing pains" I guess...

leggo

I'll give you credit for one thing at least: you're incredibly honest with both yourself and on here, so that's commendable. A lot of people would lie to themselves to justify doing what they do, you're at least looking at it for what it is.

At the same time...are you reading what you're writing?!

You've made a commitment to this man. All of these 'tests' and so on you speak about? We have a word for that: it's called dating. It's what we do before we commit to someone. Then we commit because we decide that's the person we want to be with. If you're not ready to give that commitment, you shouldn't be leading your boyfriend on by committing to him in theory but not in practise.

He'd likely dump you if he found out about this, I and many others would, that alone and the fact that you took all the advice given here and completely twisted it to, "yeah, I'm gonna do what I want anyway and you're all right, I shouldn't tell him" shows that somewhere in your brain, you know it's wrong.

If you don't want to commit to someone, that's fine. But if you do and you go behind his back on dates to 'test how much you really want the relationship', then you're being downright cruel. If you just get a kick out of the attention of other men, or sneaking around, then this is not the solution. You're going to hurt someone and the scary thing is you seem to, on some level, know this and just not care. I'm sorry if someone hurt you in the past and you think that's okay, but it's really, really not.

batmanrobin

SuzanneDx wrote: »

It's cheating? Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. And you make it sound like I go on these "little dates" regularly just waiting for something to happen, I honestly don't. Most of my friends are female at the moment and I don't get to hang out with so many guys apart from my bf and another male friend I regularly meet with for chats.

And I felt much more at peace with myself when I realised that I didn't want to start something with this guy and happily go back to my bf. Sure, maybe there was potential for something to happen... maybe I did have *some* feelings for this guy, but in the end I realised that I'm in a happily committed relationship and it's a case of "what's the point?". Why start something up, why meet again for another cup of coffee, why go deeper into it, when I'm so very happy and in love with my bf?

I haven't cheated. And I won't. I can't guarantee I will be with my bf forever, but who can? There is no guarantee he will love me forever either. But for now, I'm sure about how I feel and I'm happy with that... I feel you're judging me unfairly. You're right, maybe I'm a little immature, and I am 6 years younger than my bf, but I feel I'm slowly getting to the point that I'm cool with being in a committed relationship. It's not always easy cos I've been a little unsettled in the past but these are my "growing pains" I guess...

What was the point in meeting up with him at all?! Why did it take meeting up with a guy you might have feelings for to make you realise you're happy with your bf? Surely you shouldn't need sneaking around behind your bf's back to make you realise you're happy?

It's incredibly bad form. No ifs, buts or maybes.

You've made it sound like you wouldn't be adverse to doing it in the future with other men you might have "feelings" for.

What a lucky man your bf is, he has a gf who will be keeping her options open.

No, there is no guarantee of forever with any relationship, but you don't sneak around and if you want out of a relationship, you end it.

All your posts in this thread are about how you feel and how you're affected. Have you ever stopped to think about how your bf might feel if he found out? Honestly, has he factored at all in your thinking?

KikiDee

OK...I get why you may have wanted to meet him. Can't say I'd make the same decision myself but however.
If it's all ok and above board, why keep it a secret from your bf? As in the meeting this other guy?

I need to agree with batman there, your posts are all about your feelings and the impact this is having on you. From the moment you decided to meet this other guy, regardless of if 'anything' happened or not, you should have factored your fellas feelings into the equation.

SuzanneDx

I wasn't sneaking around his back btw, I ended up telling him all about my meeting up and I actually told him before I met the guy. And I assured him that I was committed to him and nothing was happening. I didn't make a big deal out of my potential feelings, etc. because the advise in this post made me realise it would be a case of "too much information".... so I didn't give him all of the details I'm giving here, but I was honest with him about the meeting. In the end, there wasn't an awful lot to tell. So there wasn't any "big secret" or anything.

LegacyUser

SuzanneDx wrote: »

I wasn't sneaking around his back btw, I ended up telling him all about my meeting up and I actually told him before I met the guy. And I assured him that I was committed to him and nothing was happening. I didn't make a big deal out of my potential feelings, etc. because the advise in this post made me realise it would be a case of "too much information".... so I didn't give him all of the details I'm giving here, but I was honest with him about the meeting. In the end, there wasn't an awful lot to tell. So there wasn't any "big secret" or anything.

Why did you bother asking for opinions, only to ignore the overwhelming advice to not act on the idea and not tell your fella about it? All your recent posts suggest you were already going to do it and thought you'd get lots of validation that some rubbish article was a great basis for it. To be honest, your behaviour has, in my opinion, been foolish. I doubt that's the end of it for your boyfriend either.

SuzanneDx

batmanrobin wrote: »

SuzanneDx wrote: »

It's cheating? Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. And you make it sound like I go on these "little dates" regularly just waiting for something to happen, I honestly don't. Most of my friends are female at the moment and I don't get to hang out with so many guys apart from my bf and another male friend I regularly meet with for chats.

And I felt much more at peace with myself when I realised that I didn't want to start something with this guy and happily go back to my bf. Sure, maybe there was potential for something to happen... maybe I did have *some* feelings for this guy, but in the end I realised that I'm in a happily committed relationship and it's a case of "what's the point?". Why start something up, why meet again for another cup of coffee, why go deeper into it, when I'm so very happy and in love with my bf?

I haven't cheated. And I won't. I can't guarantee I will be with my bf forever, but who can? There is no guarantee he will love me forever either. But for now, I'm sure about how I feel and I'm happy with that... I feel you're judging me unfairly. You're right, maybe I'm a little immature, and I am 6 years younger than my bf, but I feel I'm slowly getting to the point that I'm cool with being in a committed relationship. It's not always easy cos I've been a little unsettled in the past but these are my "growing pains" I guess...

What was the point in meeting up with him at all?! Why did it take meeting up with a guy you might have feelings for to make you realise you're happy with your bf? Surely you shouldn't need sneaking around behind your bf's back to make you realise you're happy?

It's incredibly bad form. No ifs, buts or maybes.

Firstly I wasn't sneaking.

Secondly... the problem is within me. I know I'm selfish. I know I'm immature. And in order for me to grow up and learn to be happy in a committed relationship, I need to just confront certain elements of my personality. It's like there is a can of worms in me, and if I don't dig them up I won't know what is the potential for devastation. I've never been in such a serious or committed relationship as this one, and so want to make sure my love is strong, steadfast and robust... and I know it sucks that I have to meet up with another guy to prove something to myself, but I came out feeling a lot clearer.

I'm selfish, immature and childish - yes. I'm imperfect... but I'm learning and I think I deserve a chance to grow within this relationship.

I dug up the old can of worms, and actually there was nothing there that would threaten my current relationship. I wasn't sure if I could trust myself or my feelings... because of the past, and my past behavious... now I feel like I can trust myself, I feel stronger in my rel and more committed...

Keane2baMused

OP unless you are headed for a future of an open relationship and your OH is fully agreeable and open to it I suggest you knock these little "dates" on the head for once and for all.

You're doing a lot of justifying here, if you were so sure and secure then why the need at all?

Someone will invariably end up hurt, whether you are willing to believe it or not.

batmanrobin

SuzanneDx wrote: »

I wasn't sneaking around his back btw, I ended up telling him all about my meeting up and I actually told him before I met the guy. And I assured him that I was committed to him and nothing was happening. I didn't make a big deal out of my potential feelings, etc. because the advise in this post made me realise it would be a case of "too much information".... so I didn't give him all of the details I'm giving here, but I was honest with him about the meeting. In the end, there wasn't an awful lot to tell. So there wasn't any "big secret" or anything.

I wonder, if you were to show him what you had written here, what his response would be.

There is a world of difference between saying you met x for a catch up, and you met x, who you may have feelings for, for a little date, cos you needed to test yourself and the relationship to see whether you really loved and were happy with the person you're with. But hey, it's okay now cos you've been reassured of your feelings for your bf. But you can't guarantee that you might not go on more of these little dates in the future.

I'd say you be better off sorting your head out while single rather than potentially ruining a person's ability to trust others and hurting him for what really amounts to selfish reasons. Go see a therapist if you need help working through things. As opposed to going on dates with other men.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

SuzanneDx wrote: »

Firstly I wasn't sneaking.

Secondly... the problem is within me. I know I'm selfish. I know I'm immature. And in order for me to grow up and learn to be happy in a committed relationship, I need to just confront certain elements of my personality. It's like there is a can of worms in me, and if I don't dig them up I won't know what is the potential for devastation. I've never been in such a serious or committed relationship as this one, and so want to make sure my love is strong, steadfast and robust... and I know it sucks that I have to meet up with another guy to prove something to myself, but I came out feeling a lot clearer.

I'm selfish, immature and childish - yes. I'm imperfect... but I'm learning and I think I deserve a chance to grow within this relationship.

I dug up the old can of worms, and actually there was nothing there that would threaten my current relationship. I wasn't sure if I could trust myself or my feelings... because of the past, and my past behavious... now I feel like I can trust myself, I feel stronger in my rel and more committed...

I know it's somewhat the nature of the forum, but even for RI that's an awful onslaught of "I me my I I I" in one post. It's like your boyfriend is a complete unknown entity in all this, I can't get any sense of him as a person from this thread. He's not there to facilitate your personal growth, he's not a security blanket you get to keep in your back pocket while you see if you feel like having a little cheat or if he'll still do. Your actions have consequences for him, and you are accountable for those consequences, they should be just as much a consideration for you as 'well how do I feel, what have I learned about me'.

You're getting really piled on here and I know that's not pleasant, but think about why that is? Nobody here knows you or had any preconceptions about you or investment in the situation, and you were getting told more or less the same thing by everyone. Which then transformed into still doing what you wanted to do. It's good that you're seeing that you need to work on yourself and maybe need to learn certain standard behaviours and expectations for committed relationships, but this is not all about you and your feelings.

Jack Killian

SuzanneDx wrote: »

I wasn't sneaking around his back btw, I ended up telling him all about my meeting up and I actually told him before I met the guy. And I assured him that I was committed to him and nothing was happening. I didn't make a big deal out of my potential feelings, etc. because the advise in this post made me realise it would be a case of "too much information".... so I didn't give him all of the details I'm giving here, but I was honest with him about the meeting. In the end, there wasn't an awful lot to tell. So there wasn't any "big secret" or anything.

Hmmm...... to me, those two bolded bits are somewhat contradictory.

Mr. Incognito

I'm sorry OP but you sound incredibly immature and almost child like in your divine interpretation of what you think is acceptible.

I dont forsee any decent guy staying with you for any length of time with all this drama going on.

kylith

SuzanneDx wrote: »

I wasn't sneaking around his back btw, I ended up telling him all about my meeting up and I actually told him before I met the guy. And I assured him that I was committed to him and nothing was happening. I didn't make a big deal out of my potential feelings, etc. because the advise in this post made me realise it would be a case of "too much information".... so I didn't give him all of the details I'm giving here, but I was honest with him about the meeting. In the end, there wasn't an awful lot to tell. So there wasn't any "big secret" or anything.

Did you tell him it was a 'little date' to 'test out' your relationship, or that you had a crush on this guy? Because if you didn't then you may have told him that you were meeting this guy, but you still lied to him.

Virgil°

So lets take the other logical outcome of your date OP: You meet this guy for coffee and you really take a liking to him?

What then? Do you just go ahead and cheat?

Don't kid yourself OP. There's a reason you haven't told your boyfriend all the gritty details of your intentions for this meetup. You'd be dumped immediately if he knew the full truth. You're basically just keeping your him on the line until you meet someone better.

Its an awful callous way to treat the man you supposedly love. I'll agree with everyone else here OP ,your boyfriend deserves a better girlfriend.

beks101

SuzanneDx wrote: »

(when I was a teenager I was terrible for cheating on my bfs so I have a lack of self trust)

A little addendum tucked away there that suddenly explains things. You've got form for cheating and you're not exactly making the case for someone who has matured and learned some valuable lessons from it.

You still need the male attention, you need the reassurance that you have countless options and the inappropriate closeness with men that are not your OH and you need the validation that other men want you, regardless of whether or not you'll actually choose to do anything with it. Why? Why is this so important to you? Why can't you let it go and be a caring, committed partner to a man you profess to love?

You're still justifying your dishonest behaviour in the way I'm sure you did as a teenager - but I've got so much in common with him...but we have the same set of "unique traits"...but we share the same "ethical views"...but if I don't meet him, I'll always wonder...best to go along just to make sure my OH is the right one for me...oh, oops! I guess he wasn't...

I'm not sure what age you are but it appears you've learned nothing about how to conduct yourself in a relationship and you're stuck in this destructive rut of conditioned behaviour where you're trapping a man into what he thinks is a loving committed relationship whilst keeping a constant eye over his shoulder to see whose attention you can grab next. These "tests" are no more than self-absorbed little ego boosts that you seem to rely upon for your own self worth.

Why can't one man be enough? Will one man ever be enough? Is this how you want to live your life? And are you happy to drag down a rake of good men with you? Honestly, I think you need a therapist.

Lavinia

you only sometimes have a crush? don't get me wrong but you are a lucky one

no seriously, id always say this to my partners if i felt something for some other man.. i think that is honest and good thing to do, that they know my thoughts and feelings and intentions..
i also appreciate the truth the other way around.

but, as in that movie has been said, not everyone can handle the truth...

Hemerodrome

Lavinia wrote: »

you only sometimes have a crush? don't get me wrong but you are a lucky one

no seriously, id always say this to my partners if i felt something for some other man.. i think that is honest and good thing to do, that they know my thoughts and feelings and intentions..
i also appreciate the truth the other way around.

but, as in that movie has been said, not everyone can handle the truth...

You don't appear to have read the thread at all, but for your own benefit you might want to.

Lavinia

Hemerodrome wrote: »

You don't appear to have read the thread at all, but for your own benefit you might want to.

seriously?

gz. i read, i said what i said. to OP. as I understand her perfectly me thinks.
which part was unclear to you in my short message?

i prefer the truth, always was, always will. its great to live in truth, but not everyone can do it.

do you have any problem with that?