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Are couples who got together later, happier?

Chickarooney

Do you think (in general) people who get together in their thirties are much happier than those who got together in their teens/early twenties?

I think there might be some truth in it. Obviously it won't apply to everyone and I'm sure some of you can give examples of super happy couples you know that got together young. I do wonder if the ones who met when they were more settled and mature are much happier and more in love.

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Alf Stewart.

Wut

screamer

Who knows, I know young couples who basically grow up together and are very united because of shared life experience. I also know older couples who were just a last chance saloon choice for each other before being left on the shelf and are stuck in very miserable relationships............. I'm sure there are young couples that didn't last and older couples who are madly in love.
More than the age, it's the compatibility of the couple. If that's there, age matters not.

Wicklow Brave

Read an article about this in the paper a few years ago. Study done on it and basically the younger you get with your partner the happier you are was what they found. I suppose the logic being you'd rather get married at 26 than 36, an extra ten years you get to spend with your spouse.

eviltwin

Chickarooney wrote: »

Do you think (in general) people who get together in their thirties are much happier than those who got together in their teens/early twenties?

I think there might be some truth in it. Obviously it won't apply to everyone and I'm sure some of you can give examples of super happy couples you know that got together young. I do wonder if the ones who met when they were more settled and mature are much happier and more in love.

Why would your age make a difference?

genericguy

I think a lot of couples who get together in mid to late 30s are settling for each other. I have seen women in particular meet a man and within months she will be pregnant, and I can't help but suspect an ulterior motive when I've seen this happen again and again over the years.

Wibbs

screamer wrote: »

I'm sure there are young couples that didn't last and older couples who are madly in love.
More than the age, it's the compatibility of the couple. If that's there, age matters not.

This. In a big way. Depends on individuals and how their previous relationship life went. If they had pretty good relationships for those times in their lives and there was rarely rancour then getting hooked up later on was no issue. Those who had a succession of unhealthy relationships were another kettle of fish. Far more likely to go true to type after a few years in. Cynicism doesn't help either and that's far less likely in "first love" setups. It remains "new" in many ways. Of the best most stable relationships I've known they were very often first or second loves. Hell I know two couples who well over a decade after the first love and loads of relationships in the middle went back to the source. I know of one couple where there was a 30 year gap like that. I also knew first love couples that were miserable of course, but generally...

I'd also say men are more likely to get set in their ways, cynical and less compatible with being a relationship the more the years and relationships they have under their belt. Or that has been my general observation. Indeed I have long believed that it's generally men rather than women who are by nature the more full on reality be damned when in love romantic sex and when reality hits they respond with more cynicism.

genericguy wrote: »

I think a lot of couples who get together in mid to late 30s are settling for each other. I have seen women in particular meet a man and within months she will be pregnant, and I can't help but suspect an ulterior motive when I've seen this happen again and again over the years.

Yep. I found it extremely common to see among my peers going through the 30's. Saw it a couple of times with women mates and a couple of blokes too. In only one case I recall she ended up with the best example of her "type"(and boy did she have a type. They were like a queue of brothers

). I have to say with most there was an unseemly rush to the altar/reg office and thence to the burbs.

AnonoBoy

eviltwin wrote: »

Why would your age make a difference?

Because young people are stupid. :pac:

thegreatgonzo

genericguy wrote: »

I think a lot of couples who get together in mid to late 30s are settling for each other. I have seen women in particular meet a man and within months she will be pregnant, and I can't help but suspect an ulterior motive when I've seen this happen again and again over the years.

I think in your 30's your priorities are just different. It doesn't mean that you like the person less, it's just that different things tick the boxes for you and you are less needy. And being older can make it easier to speed things up and have the conversations that would be awkward in your 20's.
I speak theoretically however, I'm single:D

Chickarooney

eviltwin wrote: »

Why would your age make a difference?

It may not at all!

I'm just pondering really. I've no idea if it's true or if it's not. Just wondering other folks opinions while these thoughts were rattling around inside my head.

I had a very long relationship with someone I met at a very young age and unfortunately it didn't last, we hadn't been happy in some time. I guess I wonder if it was because I met them so young, but I guess they just weren't the right person for me

[Deleted User]

I think it's more to do with the people than the age, though I suspect if people get together when they're very young that they have a greater risk of growing apart as their adult personality is still under construction.

ToddyDoody

genericguy wrote: »

I think a lot of couples who get together in mid to late 30s are settling for each other. I have seen women in particular meet a man and within months she will be pregnant, and I can't help but suspect an ulterior motive when I've seen this happen again and again over the years.

"Now its Millhouse's time to shine"

Chickarooney

Candie wrote: »

I think it's more to do with the people than the age, though I suspect if people get together when they're very young that they have a greater risk of growing apart as their adult personality is still under construction.

I think that's kind of where my thoughts are coming from

DivingDuck

I think there are pluses and minuses to both.

Younger couple, plus side: can grow together, probably don't have as much baggage going into things, know each other inside out, unlikely there are tons of skeletons in the closet the other doesn't know about, have invested lots of time into the relationship so less likely to bail in the incidence of a hiccup.

Younger couple, minus side: may grow apart, may be based on instant attraction or superficial similarities rather than real shared values and expectations, longer time for resentment to fester, may have unrealistic expectations for what a relationship should be, can become co-dependent and resentful.

Older couple, plus side: more likely to know what they want, more likely to look for people with similar values and needs, usually more settled in themselves, more likely to be understanding and mature in terms of allowing their partner space and patience, etc.

Older couple, minus side: may have lots of baggage, may be settling/desperate, can become resentful of the things they overlooked while settling, may find it hard to integrate a relationship into their lives if they've been single for a long time, can be less used to compromise which may lead to bitterness and unhappiness.

Ultimately if the person is right for you, I don't think it matters if you meet them at fifteen or fifty. You're going to face challenges either way, they'll just be different ones.

Chain Smoker

genericguy wrote: »

I have seen women in particular meet a man and within months she will be pregnant.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but isn't this is a mathematical impossibility that men won't wind up in a relationship where the couple will be expecting a kid within months to roughly the exact same amount?

EDIT: I'm pretty sure that sentence is gibberish, but I think the overall point comes across. Regardless, I restate it later in the thread a bit better

eviltwin

I'm still with the person I was dating as a teenager. All my friends are with people they met in their 20's and 30's. I wouldn't say they are happier than me, I'm not as lovey dovey which might look like I'm less in love but I think we are all the same really. You are either happy in your relationship or your aren't, age shouldn't matter.

4zn76tysfajdxp

Wibbs wrote: »

In only one case I recall she ended up with the best example of her "type"(and boy did she have a type. They were like a queue of brothers ).

Heh heh heh. Jungle fever, eh?

genericguy

Chain Smoker wrote: »

Maybe I'm wrong here, but isn't this is a mathematical impossibility that men won't wind up in a relationship where the couple will be expecting a kid within months to roughly the exact same amount?

you understand very well what I am saying.

Olishi4

There is a thing called the Reminiscence Bump and it is a tendency that people have where they remember more details from their teens and twenties more significantly. I vaguely remember it is something like from age 15-25 I think.

It could be why you hear of people pining for their first love as everything was new and intense and they likely have a good memory of it.

I suppose if you have mainly a positive romantic relationship or relationships within this timeframe, it will give you a good outlook for existing or future relationships because that's how you remember them either mainly fond or bad memories forming part of your views and approach to relationships in general. Basically the less heartbreak, the less cynical you may be and more open and trusting.

So not really what age you are when you meet but more about the approach, views, experience and compatibility of relationships, what you take from your earlier experiences. If these views are more positive or open minded or you took positive things from your experiences, this will make you happier in general which is one half of the relationship.

AnonoBoy

genericguy wrote: »

you understand very well what I am saying.

I really don't think that he does.

Chain Smoker

genericguy wrote: »

you understand very well what I am saying.

It's not particularly women though; they'll be the driving force behind such a horrible compromise and that will be their motive, but even in that case there's some idiot of a man being wholly complicit with the deal.
I don't think it'd be a huge stretch to say that many of those men are pretty f*cking relieved to not have to worry about becoming lonely old bachelors.

Wicklow Brave

I'd agree with Chain Smoker, men would be equally complicit in having an 'ulterior motive' by 'settling' and wanting to have kids. Men want to get married and have children every bit as much as women do.

tashiusclay

Wicklow Brave wrote: »

I'd agree with Chain Smoker, men would be equally complicit in having an 'ulterior motive' by 'settling' and wanting to have kids. Men want to get married and have children every bit as much as women do.

Not necessarily, to use a massive generalisation, men are more sex driven, women more relationship driven. Women crave the emotional security of a steady relationship, men simply crave steady sex. Does not need be from a steady full commitment relationship. End generalisation!

Wibbs

Chain Smoker wrote: »

Maybe I'm wrong here, but isn't this is a mathematical impossibility that men won't wind up in a relationship where the couple will be expecting a kid within months to roughly the exact same amount?

Maybe they left out the qualifier of "expected pregnancy" to avoid any confusion.

Eugene Norman

There's a bit of cynicism here about women getting married or pregnant quickly in their 30's. It could well be experience but not in a bad way. "I've dated so many idiots and this guys great", kinda thing. Meanwhile the same couple had they met in their early 20's might break up because neither is ready.

As for young marriages the divorce statistics for the US post war, where the marriage age was very young indeed, are very high.

However in a modern culture where marrying young isn't the thing but the outliers who meet when young and marry later on, that's a different kind of marriage, and probably more robust.

[Deleted User]

Met my now wife when we were 12. Started going out at 17. Married at 29. Now both 42. Not sure how I'd function or live without her tbh.

Wibbs

Chain Smoker wrote: »

I don't think it'd be a huge stretch to say that many of those men are pretty f*cking relieved to not have to worry about becoming lonely old bachelors.

Depends on the level of choice said "lonely old bachelor" has. A guy who has had a couple of relationships, or none, by 30, is going to be more relieved initially than a guy who has had many more, so has a better idea of what he wants and who is compatible as a partner with him and vice versa. The more choices one has, the better choices one tends to make.

As for "wholly complicit"? Though it's thankfully rarer than some agenda "mannist" driven nutbags on the interwebs would have us believe, I personally know of a couple of men who were, let's just say slid into the wife and kid vibe by subterfuge and expected levels of trust in any official relationship.

*EDIT* I've gone rubber johnnie free with only five women. Including a couple that were considered; and I paraphrase here, a bit out there. But I knew them well enough to know that I could trust them 100% and if any accident was to occur, it would be one.

genericguy

Chain Smoker wrote: »

It's not particularly women though; they'll be the driving force behind such a horrible compromise and that will be their motive, but even in that case there's some idiot of a man being wholly complicit with the deal.
I don't think it'd be a huge stretch to say that many of those men are pretty f*cking relieved to not have to worry about becoming lonely old bachelors.

Ok I get where you're coming from. I'd argue the point that men are more concerned about sex being available on tap than the actual relationship/babies piece though. I have repeatedly been genuinely stunned at the speed that women in late 30s will set up shop with a new guy on the block though.

Chain Smoker

genericguy wrote: »

Ok I get where you're coming from. I'd argue the point that men are more concerned about sex being available on tap than the actual relationship/babies piece though. I have repeatedly been genuinely stunned at the speed that women in late 30s will set up shop with a new guy on the block though.

Honestly, my sex drive is so low and so thoroughly under my control that I can't really relate to that at all, but I do feel like it'll be somewhat expected for them and socially more acceptable to play up the "woohoo, lads, sex-on-demand!" attitude than an "all my friends have gotten married, I'm beginning to become that weird old guy at the club on a saturday night... this one seems alright... I guess this is okay... I guess this'll do" one. My stance is that obliviousness or apathy displayed about the scenario by some men is surely something of a front in a lot of cases.

Women are the ones who have the more definite deadline upon them, so they're more likely to be the initiators in such a circumstance, but I think the notion that the men just blindly stumble into the situation is overstated and offensive for everyone involved.

There's definitely gonna be some nuts on both sides, and women being put under more pressure in this situation are more likely to be the nuttier of the sexes. For the most part, I'd say men are far more interested in not being alone than the having kids part when it comes to these compromise relationships, having kids probably ups the security level though.

I'm ****ing dreading become a weird lonely old man from my late-30s, if that isn't clear.
I'm also dreading really poorly thought out attempts to avoid that happening.
Such as having a child.

Fr_Dougal

"I love her but I'm not 'in love' with her". I know, we'll have another baba to make things better.

[Deleted User]

genericguy wrote: »

Ok I get where you're coming from. I'd argue the point that men are more concerned about sex being available on tap than the actual relationship/babies piece though. I have repeatedly been genuinely stunned at the speed that women in late 30s will set up shop with a new guy on the block though.

I think you're selling men short, you're painting them as very one dimensional and superficial - and while some are, most have a little more depth, discernment and perspective than you're portraying.