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Inheritance Nightmares

Consuelano

I read an article in the Journal containing stories from people whose families were torn apart due to wills and inheritances and I found it fascinating.

[Can't post link]

I'm lucky in that both my parents are still alive and well, and AFAIK everything is to be divided equally between myself and my sibling, so there shouldn't really be a problem. Yet, the amount of stories I heard from friends and colleagues down through the years of huge falling-outs is staggering and in some ways frightening. Is it a uniquely Irish thing, or is it the greedy part of human nature coming out?

I think most people have a story or two that they've experienced, witnessed or heard. So people of AH, where there's a will, is there a way?

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qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Chain Smoker wrote: »

So if your dad was a farmer, and got cancer, before assuming responsibility for the farm while he undergoes treatment, you'll negotiate wages/etc?
Obviously you should do that (and some do, usually when there's a clear heir to the throne and/or everyone is able to deal with the fact that he may not be returning to the farm), but there's a pretty good chance everyone'll be swept up in the chaos of the moment.

It's pretty easy to say "here's what they should do" when you've no grasp of how big of a role the whole thing takes in everyone's lives and the kinds of societal pressure involved.

Who even thinks of money or wills in a time like that?
When someone you love is bent over a wall in a shed trying to catch their breath, yellow in the face from that bastard illness, struggling to throw in some food for a couple of animals, what normal person thinks,
"Look at dad there, completely shook. Alright dad? Need a hand? Give me the fork, I'll do it... 15 euro an hour should cover it, and don't forget me when it finally catches up with you and kicks your ass."

What is wrong with some people, Jesus

messy tessy

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

That describes my OH to a T there. Thanks for validating his experiences.

Not a good early life for many, and that is where your life starts.

Tough times alright. But were they necessary or were they expected?

And don't forget they had animal teachers aswell who beat them up too.

Whoa, what a start, middle and thank god a good end in life. But what a life.

Horrible times for many. But I digress.

I was with you up until this post. I can't agree with any of this... I would have helped out on the farm since primary school, moving cattle, feeding calves, covering silage pits and all the rest. This was expected to a certain extent, all my sister's and brothers helped too, but that wasn't to say my parents weren't grateful or that we didn't want to. Despite the work I can honestly say I had the best childhood ever, amongst the work was the pure fun - building rafts, swimming, making houses out of bales, silage time was something we all looked forward to every summer. I don't have one photo of me as a child on the farm where I am not smiling and happy. Yes maybe I am glossing over the times where I was standing over calves in depth of winter in the cold and rain, or picking stones in a massive reclaimed field, but I would never ever describe these experiences as horrible or as you said not a good early start to life.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Water John wrote: »

Sorry, SE, just the same upbringing as your OH. Though times indeed.

I had the same upbringing, and I loved it.
Going for the cows every morning, picking lilac from the trees on the way back home, father holding my hand, telling me stories of what the cows would play with each other for the day til we got them that evening.

As we got older, getting to make friends with the cattle, learning how to milk, knowing which cows head you could stroke without making her kick whoever was behind her. Hand milking the pet cows and aiming the milk at the cat/the brother.

Learning how to dose cattle, learning how to get new calves out safely. Learning how to identify and fix small things without needing a vet.

All that was absolutely fascinating and I feel so lucky and privileged to have grown up with that and I'm sorry my own kids won't have the same.

Spanish Eyes

Water John wrote: »

Sorry, SE, just the same upbringing as your OH. Though times indeed.

No. Do not apologise ever. No need. Anger maybe sometimes though!

Other people/influences/culture and community were responsible at that time.

Doesn't make it easier. My OH after so many years still refers to it.

I hope you have risen above the baxstards. That is the ultimate validation.

Best of luck to you.

Water John

In farming, its necessary for all to muck in. But there were no good times as Tessy describes.
It does leave a mark.

Spanish Eyes

messy tessy wrote: »

I was with you up until this post. I can't agree with any of this... I would have helped out on the farm since primary school, moving cattle, feeding calves, covering silage pits and all the rest. This was expected to a certain extent, all my sister's and brothers helped too, but that wasn't to say my parents weren't grateful or that we didn't want to. Despite the work I can honestly say I had the best childhood ever, amongst the work was the pure fun - building rafts, swimming, making houses out of bales, silage time was something we all looked forward to every summer. I don't have one photo of me as a child on the farm where I am not smiling and happy. Yes maybe I am glossing over the times where I was standing over calves in depth of winter in the cold and rain, or picking stones in a massive reclaimed field, but I would never ever describe these experiences as horrible or as you said not a good early start to life.

I think you may have omitted the animal teachers who beat them up after walking up the ditches with no shoes. Because they had no shoes, or were so tired that they could not spell some words correctly. That was another power in rural Ireland along with the Father, the Priest, and then there was the Teacher.

Some life experiences on a farm from a young age were magical, others were not. Each to their own.

messy tessy

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I think you may have omitted the animal teachers who beat them up after walking up the ditches with no shoes. Because they had no shoes, or were so tired that they could not spell some words correctly. That was another power in rural Ireland along with the Father, the Priest, and then there was the Teacher.

Some life experiences on a farm from a young age were magical, others were not. Each to their own.

Ok entirely different generation, I am 28 and speaking purely about my own experience. I think this is all of topic anyway... I am as Lexie said privileged to have grown up how I did and wouldn't change that for anything.

Spanish Eyes

messy tessy wrote: »

Ok entirely different generation, I am 28 and speaking purely about my own experience. I think this is all of topic anyway... I am as Lexie said privileged to have grown up how I did and wouldn't change that for anything.

There is a generation out there suffering mightily to this day.

Thanks for acknowledging that times have changed now. But for many it is painful still, on very many levels.

Chain Smoker

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Who even thinks of money or wills in a time like that?
When someone you love is bent over a wall in a shed trying to catch their breath, yellow in the face from that bastard illness, struggling to throw in some food for a couple of animals, what normal person thinks,
"Look at dad there, completely shook. Alright dad? Need a hand? Give me the fork, I'll do it... 15 euro an hour should cover it, and don't forget me when it finally catches up with you and kicks your ass."

What is wrong with some people, Jesus

I'm not sure if you're agreeing or disagreeing with what I was saying there. If the latter you've probably misinterpreted what I meant.

Bongalongherb

It's disgusting how a lifetime of brothers/sisters and family can just fall to pieces over money. It can rip a family apart in the worst way. My parents told me about their will a few years ago and I told them to take my name off from it, I don't want anything or anything to do with it. Let the Executor deal with it within the rest of the family as money cannot bring my parents back.

I told my parents to spend it on themselves and travel or buy a villa in the sun and/or enjoy the world with travel. My comment went ignored.

My family went through a mini hell for a long time in the past to accomplish stability of which they accomplished for many peaceful years, and to have them worry about forwarding poxy money to us adult children is a crap felling to have to think of, as they should be out there spending it now.

Greed from 'one or two' within a close-nit family structure can destroy it all. I hate the fecking word of money even though I need it to survive, but it can destroy every beautiful connection of your family individually when it comes to this will lark.

You will really see the true colours of the closest family members you ever knew in life, and it is not pretty. It can be diabolical and stressful in the extreme, especially when your loved-ones depart and then have to go through that sh!t.

Maireadio

Candie wrote: »

There's nothing like death and money to bring out the vultures.

Sometimes there's terrible unfairness though. My aunts best friend looked after her parents for 10 years while they both succumbed to dementia. They left the farm and house to her brother and nothing to her. She spent her savings on the funerals as the brother said he couldn't contribute. He and his wife kicked her out within weeks of their mothers death.

Aye, a lady I know ran her parent's village shop and post office by herself from her late teens to her 40s (well, helped them out in the earlier years but she ran them herself for a long time). When they died it was all left to her brother and she had to then immigrate to the States. Feck's sake!

Niemoj

My grandparents raised their 6 children in the town, once they'd all flown the coop (bar 1 who remained single and with them) they decided to move to the country.

An auntie of mine says shur why don't you move beside me, I've got plenty of land. Grand says the grandparents and so when they went to build the house down the garden (so they could have a bit of privacy) Auntie turns around and says you can just build onto our house.

It was already causing tentions at that stage so they agreed, my Grandad offered her money for the land but she refused to take it, spouted a scéal along the lines of "you're my parents you don't need to pay me anything".

That was grand anyway, house was built, it is a semi D, just single storey and with a garage in between, two separate doors, addresses etc, they pay for the oil every year and their phone bill but Auntie pays the electricity.

Fast forward to 2010 and my grandad passes away. Slowly but surely Auntie starts making it known to my Nanny and Uncle that "it's not your house", "you just own the contents". "This is MY house" is a line she especially liked.

She even started *telling* my grandmother about things that should be upgraded in the house, a new door for €600 and oil cooker for €1600 are two that come to mind which in my mind she is doing to "prep" the house for her children to move into once my Nanny goes.

I was talking to my grandmother one day and found out she was paying a "keep" each week of €30 and sometimes even €50! She was charging this for no other reason than she can, she knew my Grandad wouldn't stand for that so once he passed it was the perfect time...

Now I've rattled my brain trying to think what this money could possibly be for other than just for Auntie to supplement her own income (she gets a new car yearly so money is not an issue for her). I live in a much larger house than my Grandmother, have a computer going etc and I barely use €20 a week on electricity and this is PAYG which is more dearer too.

It hasn't come to a head (yet) but it definitely silently causing tension amongst the family and i dread of what'll happen to my uncle once my Nanny passes which hopefully won't be for a long time.

From what I've read online it was basically my Granddad's own tough luck for not giving her something from the land but it really frustrates me and saddens me how your own family members can do something like this over money.

This turned into a sort of rant, was not planning on that!

the_syco

messy tessy wrote: »

I think if you have grown up on a farm you can't be under any illusions of the time and sheer effort running a farm takes.

You'll sometimes hear of the son who did nothing on the farm demand half of it, thinking the brother got the farm "easily".

bubblypop wrote: »

I think it's shocking that people assume they are getting everything their parents leave behind.
In fact, a lot of people don't just assume, they think they are entitled to it!!!
It's your parents money, no one else is entitled to it.

You'll find that it's sometimes debt, not money, that's left behind. And you may only find out about this debt after you've taken on the farm.

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

Not having a go, but realistically, if co habitants could get the same benefits as a married person, in all honesty, why would anyone marry?

Tax benefits.

bubblypop wrote: »

If he gets sick when his kids are grown up, then there is obviously someone doing the job already.

Not really. Most of the time the farmers only quit when they're forced away from farming, and some of the older ones seem to think that praying and going to mass daily is more useful than going to the doctor.

Niemoj wrote: »

Slowly but surely Auntie starts making it known to my Nanny and Uncle that "it's not your house", "you just own the contents". "This is MY house" is a line she especially liked.

I hope that one blows up sooner than later, to allow your Nanny to live without that bullsh|t, tbh.

Maireadio

My view on inheritance is that it is lovely to be left something but one should never plan for their financial future based on expecting one.

I also think it's distasteful the way some people seem to be almost tapping their wristwatches at their folks, waiting for them shuffle off. I want my folks here as long as possible, and you know what else? If they want to spend all their money enjoying their retirement, let them!

It chills me how obsessed some people are with "their" inheritance.

Chain Smoker

bubblypop wrote: »

Well, I guess it all depends on when he gets sick. If he gets sick when his kids are grown up, then there is obviously someone doing the job already. If the kids are only kids, then its a whole different scenario.

I know old farmers up into their 80s who still insist on running the show themselves and still expect the son to be there to keep it going afterwards.

Again, it's a hell of a lot more than an asset

B.A._Baracus

Inheritance really shows the scumbaggery in people. Because you'd expect these types of bitter disputes between strangers but as we all know, it's between family.

What type of person would try and shaft their own flesh and blood anyways :rolleyes: Like ok, you could understand some Johnny come lately popping his/her head around after years of not wanting to know their family to be greeted with hostility. That's a natural reaction. But lets be honest here... alot of these disputes happen with seeming normal families. Once you throw money into the mix all bets are off.

Bongalongherb

There's got to be a record of you some place, You got to be on somebodies books.

The low down If only people gave a fcuk... Your family is much more important than paper money. The destruction of families/cities/countries.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pgp0gldHu80

andekwarhola

People are kidding themselves if they think people being greedy sh1ts over inheritance is a purely Irish thing. Couldn't care less if my parents leave any money to us. They've done their bit for us and that's that. If they decide to leave the house to me and my siblings, our younger sibling is welcome to it as the rest of us own houses already.

swimming in a sea

I've seen it around were I grew up, brothers not talking for a generation after their Dad died young and one got the farm.

The other then married into a farm, he also then used to help out two old bachelors and when they died he got their farms, this alienated all the other farming families so now nobody talks to them. For what? he does nothing with all his money and land, he is in his late 70's now and you'd still see him feeding cows at 6am in the winter, he has 4 sons also so will history repeat itself?

My dad was a city boy who had romantic ideas about living in the countryside..reality check for him:D

Letree

Maireadio wrote: »

My view on inheritance is that it is lovely to be left something but one should never plan for their financial future based on expecting one.

I also think it's distasteful the way some people seem to be almost tapping their wristwatches at their folks, waiting for them shuffle off. I want my folks here as long as possible, and you know what else? If they want to spend all their money enjoying their retirement, let them!

It chills me how obsessed some people are with "their" inheritance.

I agree with that. I hope my parents are around for a very long time and i hope they enjoy their money in their remaining years.

stoplooklisten

swimming in a sea wrote: »

I've seen it around were I grew up, brothers not talking for a generation after their Dad died young and one got the farm.

The other then married into a farm, he also then used to help out two old bachelors and when they died he got their farms, this alienated all the other farming families so now nobody talks to them. For what? he does nothing with all his money and land, he is in his late 70's now and you'd still see him feeding cows at 6am in the winter, he has 4 sons also so will history repeat itself?

My dad was a city boy who had romantic ideas about living in the countryside..reality check for him:D

You seem to be saying the guy who inherited all the farms is at fault, when really it's his greedy family that are jealous.

Unless the "For what?" is aimed at his petty miserable family who stopped talking to him because he feeds his cows?

Should he have refused the farms that were left to him to keep other people happy?

lawlolawl

Births, deaths and marriages. All things that will cause life-long grudges in Irish families.

I've already told my parents and siblings that i don't give a **** what i inherit or whether i inherit anything at all and i won't put up with any bitterness coming from them towards me about it either.

No one is entitled to inherit anything so looks at it as an unexpected positive if you do and don't worry about it if you don't.

Robsweezie

Thread has all the makings of a trashy reality show on TLC

[Deleted User]

I've heard my sister allude a few times about what she is entitled. It's worrying.

osarusan

My parents went to a solicitor and made their will, then explained to the three of us exactly what was in it.

That was that.

SAMTALK

Days and Days wrote: »

It is never the children who will fight but the people who marry into the families tend to cause problems.

Wouldnt agree with this statement. I think a lot of children are able to cause problems without the help of in laws.
Then when trouble arises it a typical Irish thing to blame the siblings partner
"sure he/she was never like that til he met him/her".

Reading the posts it seems to be the children who seem to have a sense of entitlement not the in laws

smurfjed

children who seem to have a sense of entitlement

My parents solicitor advised them that leaving one sibling out of the will would lead to legal action. Was she wrong?

SAMTALK

smurfjed wrote: »

My parents solicitor advised them that leaving one sibling out of the will would lead to legal action. Was she wrong?

??
Not sure if crossed wires
In-laws...Does that make more sense

Titzon Toast

smurfjed wrote: »

My parents solicitor advised them that leaving one sibling out of the will would lead to legal action. Was she wrong?

I'm open to correction on this, but I've heard that as long someone is named in a will and given as little as a tenner or so, then they can't legally object to it because they've been included and indeed left something.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall when that gets read out in the solicitors office!

[Deleted User]

Turtyturd wrote: »

Family currently in the middle of one. Grandmother died and left a clause in her will that the house couldn't be sold until her youngest son had died.....despite the fact she only owned half the property. Solicitors have pretty much laughed at the clause and there were attempts to come to a solution in the beginning but the son is refusing to move out. Nobody talking to each other now, and it's currently in the process of going to court but it's a long slow process.

And in the end the only one to benefit will be the legal people :mad: