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Single life as a guy...

LordNorbury

Hi folks, just thought I'd start this thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, it occurred to me to start a general discussion on single life for guys in their 20's and 30's (and upwards!)... I'm single a few years now, after a few really long term relationships, was never married and never had kids.

I don't want this to be a thread on internet dating or how to pull women as a single guy, more about the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past, what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you, (who at this age are generally settled down with a partner and kids)...

Just interested in generating some discussion on the subject, as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

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Mister Vain

I fell on top of a girl outside a chippers once. I bought her a bag of chips which we shared in the rain. That's about as romantic as it gets for me.

Elessar

cantdecide wrote: »

I'm asking out a girl from work on Tuesday coming. It may be a minor diplomatic incident if she says no but I doubt it will go so badly even if it's a negative answer. Either way, I have to know- I'll regret it forever if I don't ask- she's just too awesome and I'll regret it 1000 times more if I don't say something.

Le gulp!

Best of luck man! You're doing the right thing! Let us know what she says

cantdecide

Elessar wrote: »

Best of luck man! You're doing the right thing! Let us know what she says

Cheers for the encouragement all but things didn't go to plan. She was off sick and I'm off until next week (strategically asking her before a week's holidays might tell you something about my chances!). It may sound like a cop out and I don't know if you believe in signs from a higher being (not sure I do myself) but I'm happy to call this a sign and let it go... Anyway, thanks all.

Mister Vain

Something similar happened to me. She went back home to lithuania before I got a chance to ask her out.

Dial Hard

Lads, if I may: yis are all waaaaay overthinking this. If you like someone, ask them out. There are only two potential outcomes, neither of which is world-ending.

Likewise, if you want to go out; go out. If you want to stay in; stay in. Calculating the enjoyability-factor of every single night out based on the likelihood of meeting someone strikes me as utterly depressing, not to mention as having the potential to be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

cantdecide

Dial Hard wrote: »

Lads, if I may: yis are all waaaaay overthinking this. If you like someone, ask them out. There are only two potential outcomes, neither of which is world-ending.

If that's aimed at me, I think it's a fair point but having reflected on it, I think it's too closely confined a work environment and it could get weird, realistically. If things were even a little different, I'd have thrown caution to the wind but I think it's time to put it on ice for now.

It's like the John Cleese line "I can take the despair, it's the hope I can't stand".

Mister Vain wrote: »

Something similar happened to me. She went back home to lithuania before I got a chance to ask her out.

That's got to sting.

Dial Hard wrote: »

Likewise, if you want to go out; go out. If you want to stay in; stay in. Calculating the enjoyability-factor of every single night out based on the likelihood of meeting someone strikes me as utterly depressing, not to mention as having the potential to be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Fair point. That's why I end up in rock bars full of dudes :P

Wibbs

cantdecide wrote: »

If that's aimed at me, I think it's a fair point but having reflected on it, I think it's too closely confined a work environment and it could get weird, realistically.

Aye. I didn't want to put you off CD, but I'm glad you didn't go through with it. As the saying goes "don't poo where you eat"(polite version

). It's a good metric to go by. Even if it goes well, it can and usually does get awkward down the line. If it goes badly? Well if she says no off the bat, then awkward is a near given, but over time that can fade. depends on the work environment. If it goes well initially and it's all love and roses and then you breakup? Atomic powered awkward. It's rarely worth it IMH. Not when the world is chockablock full of other women without that potential issue.

[Deleted User]

Wibbs wrote: »

Aye. I didn't want to put you off CD, but I'm glad you didn't go through with it. As the saying goes "don't poo where you eat"(polite version ). It's a good metric to go by. Even if it goes well, it can and usually does get awkward down the line. If it goes badly? Well if she says no off the bat, then awkward is a near given, but over time that can fade. depends on the work environment. If it goes well initially and it's all love and roses and then you breakup? Atomic powered awkward. It's rarely worth it IMH. Not when the world is chockablock full of other women without that potential issue.

Yes the world is chockablock full of other women ....and men ....but if it was that easy to find "the one" this thread wouldn't exist . So many people struggle to find love .....despite knowing the world is full of potential partners .

I don't even think online dating, tinder or social media has made things easier .
Easier to meet people , just as hard to find that special person .

Pawwed Rig

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes the world is chockablock full of other women ....and men ....but if it was that easy to find "the one" this thread wouldn't exist . So many people struggle to find love .....despite knowing the world is full of potential partners .

This thread is about the pro's and the con's of single life rather than a group of people struggling to find "the one".

"the one" being any one of millions of women that your body creates a chemical attraction to.

Wibbs

I think people overcomplicate thing when looking for someone, or at least can and do put obstacles in their way. If they're actually looking for someone of course.

armaghlad

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Yes the world is chockablock full of other women ....and men ....but if it was that easy to find "the one" this thread wouldn't exist . So many people struggle to find love .....despite knowing the world is full of potential partners .

I don't even think online dating, tinder or social media has made things easier .
Easier to meet people , just as hard to find that special person .

I disagree. It's far easier to meet people and and far easier to meet compatible partners with tinder etc. I've met girls who would have been perfect partners for me, only I wanted/want to remain single. I also don't buy into this "the one" business. I think anyone can love anyone, provided there is attraction and compatibility.

cantdecide

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes the world is chockablock full of other women ....and men ....but if it was that easy to find "the one" this thread wouldn't exist . So many people struggle to find love .....despite knowing the world is full of potential partners .

I don't even think online dating, tinder or social media has made things easier .
Easier to meet people , just as hard to find that special person .

I agree and at the risk of sounding like a cynic, I think the dating process as it is today just complicates matters with so much expectations and prerequisites and it becomes a pantomime.

Wibbs wrote: »

Aye. I didn't want to put you off CD, but I'm glad you didn't go through with it. As the saying goes "don't poo where you eat"(polite version ). It's a good metric to go by. Even if it goes well, it can and usually does get awkward down the line. If it goes badly? Well if she says no off the bat, then awkward is a near given, but over time that can fade. depends on the work environment. If it goes well initially and it's all love and roses and then you breakup? Atomic powered awkward. It's rarely worth it IMH. Not when the world is chockablock full of other women without that potential issue.

All completely true, and as you say, it's very subjective but in this case, I'll be leaving this job as soon as possible after my exams in May so I deemed it worth the risk. IME, I fall for someone after I get to know them and that is true of anyone that has fallen for me (insert only-human type joke). I find the conventional dating scene way too complicated for a simple country boy like me so I really don't get the sense that the world is chockablock with other women. Especially with my life being full of work and study my social life is in the toilet.

Mister Vain

Yeah dating someone in work can be tricky alright. A few years ago I was with a girl I met in work and while it was great at the time, it got real awkward after we broke up, especially when she started going out with another guy in the same job. I have no regrets though. Neither of them work there anymore so its all good.

I'd be a bit more wary now if I started dating a girl I work with but I would not let it put me off as its very difficult to meet someone you click with so you have to make the most of it. As for the online dating, it has always felt like an audition for me. Meeting someone in work or through mutual interests feels more natural.

astonaidan

Mister Vain wrote: »

Yeah dating someone in work can be tricky alright. A few years ago I was with a girl I met in work and while it was great at the time, it got real awkward after we broke up, especially when she started going out with another guy in the same job. I have no regrets though. Neither of them work there anymore so its all good.

I'd be a bit more wary now if I started dating a girl I work with but I would not let it put me off as its very difficult to meet someone you click with so you have to make the most of it. As for the online dating, it has always felt like an audition for me. Meeting someone in work or through mutual interests feels more natural.

Id never date a girl who worked with me, slept with a girl I worked with and got enough grief for it. Happily married now so probably wont have to sleep with co workers anymore :pac:

cantdecide

cantdecide wrote: »

I'm asking out a girl from work on Tuesday coming. It may be a minor diplomatic incident if she says no but I doubt it will go so badly even if it's a negative answer. Either way, I have to know- I'll regret it forever if I don't ask- she's just too awesome and I'll regret it 1000 times more if I don't say something.

Le gulp!

Well, I have closure. We were at a work party tonight which was an unofficial plan B- unfortunately she was using the occasion to announce that she was handing in her notice and moving to London.

I felt deflated to say the least but the moment presented itself to tell her that I was especially sad because I really liked her and was trying to find the right moment to ask her out. She was perfectly sweet about it as I knew she would be. I think she felt flattered and she made fun of me a little to lighten things. I'm glad I got it off my chest and I'm glad she was so sweet about it.

/sigh

Shannon757

cantdecide wrote: »

Well, I have closure. We were at a work party tonight which was an unofficial plan B- unfortunately she was using the occasion to announce that she was handing in her notice and moving to London.

I felt deflated to say the least but the moment presented itself to tell her that I was especially sad because I really liked her and was trying to find the right moment to ask her out. She was perfectly sweet about it as I knew she would be. I think she felt flattered and she made fun of me a little to lighten things. I'm glad I got it off my chest and I'm glad she was so sweet about it.

/sigh

It's a lot better than thinking hat would of happened that's for sure.

cantdecide

Holy carp. I'd forgotten how much the world of online dating sucks for a not very easy on the eye kind of guy. In the last two months, I've had just a handful of Tinder matches and a solitary conversation. I think I need an angle or something.

Dravokivich

I don't see online dating any different then trying to approach women anywhere else really. It can be a bit of an odd setting though, as in sometimes I just end up browsing through it and not really bothered engaging with anyone on it.

EH, I'd recommend not coming up with an angle. I've seen a lot of women try it and I'm not sure if they know they are all doing pretty much the same angle.

Irish_rat

cantdecide wrote: »

Holy carp. I'd forgotten how much the world of online dating sucks for a not very easy on the eye kind of guy. In the last two months, I've had just a handful of Tinder matches and a solitary conversation. I think I need an angle or something.

To be honest I'd stick with it, a real profile is better over those filtered cropped out ones.

Peist2007

Here is my take and i fully expect a lot to disagree: dating profiles always appear desperate to me. Without exception. The kindest way i could put it would be that a dating profile is an advertisement to the world of one's availability for a relationship. Please date me! I am a worthwhile person!

I have friends who use those sites and the best i could say is they look like a bunch of eager fools. I appreciate the world has changed in this respect but it wont be long before dating apps are viewed the way a night out in Coppers is viewed. A meat market. Once that view becomes more prevalent then the trendy types will stop using them, especially women, and some other way of doing things, albeit a little more discreet, will emerge and people will laugh at the duck-faces and high angle shots of old.

Arevaci

Dravokivich wrote: »

I don't see online dating any different then trying to approach women anywhere else really. It can be a bit of an odd setting though, as in sometimes I just end up browsing through it and not really bothered engaging with anyone on it.

EH, I'd recommend not coming up with an angle. I've seen a lot of women try it and I'm not sure if they know they are all doing pretty much the same angle.

If you approach girls in real life: No, Yes, Yes, No, Yes, No, No, Yes, Yes
Average attractiveness of girl who says yes: 7/10

If you approach girls online: No, No, No, No, No, No, Yes, No, No, No, No, No ,No, No, No, No, No, Yes, No, No, No, No, No, No, Yes, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No, No.
Average attractiveness of girl who says yes: 3/10

Wibbs

Dravokivich wrote: »

I don't see online dating any different then trying to approach women anywhere else really.

I would see quite the number of differences D. Much wider access for a minority and the sense of picking out items in an online shop. There's a different psychology and expectation to it. Then the "dating" itself is more like a bloody job interview.

Online the top winners are women who are high middling to very attractive in photos, followed by extremely good looking in photos men. The lowest rung on the ladder would be the plainer guys. Even ladies with faces and figures better suited for radio generally get more attention.

cantdecide

As someone who doesn't have any high value USP's and isn't possessed of an especially sexy character or physicality (pragmatically speaking simply), my experience of OD is that I get a few hits from new users here and there but they soon realise they're spoilt for choice and I fall by the wayside.

Let's not go down the nice guy fallacy road but realistically, as a single guy in OD, you simply must stand out in some way and if you don't you may be wasting your time. It's easy to see how normal guys self esteem can take a beating. When you complain, people tell you you have self esteem problems and take a break and others tell you to be more confident, which in itself is just a highly over-valued sales tool, IMO.

cantdecide

Wibbs wrote: »

I would see quite the number of differences D. Much wider access for a minority and the sense of picking out items in an online shop. There's a different psychology and expectation to it. Then the "dating" itself is more like a bloody job interview.

Online the top winners are women who are high middling to very attractive in photos, followed by extremely good looking in photos men. The lowest rung on the ladder would be the plainer guys. Even ladies with faces and figures better suited for radio generally get more attention.

Wibbs, you're sounding very depressed and definitely definitely lacking self esteem. You should give it a break for now and work on your modesty/ humility confidence. Remember, only exceptional people find love.

[Deleted User]

cantdecide wrote: »

As someone who doesn't have any high value USP's and isn't possessed of an especially sexy character or physicality (pragmatically speaking simply), my experience of OD is that I get a few hits from new users here and there but they soon realise they're spoilt for choice and I fall by the wayside.

Let's not go down the nice guy fallacy road but realistically, as a single guy in OD, you simply must stand out in some way and if you don't you may be wasting your time. It's easy to see how normal guys self esteem can take a beating. When you complain, people tell you you have self esteem problems and take a break and others tell you to be more confident, which in itself is just a highly over-valued sales tool, IMO.

Every time you post about dating and your experiences of it you comment on yourself negatively. That is your problem right there cd. Your lack of confidence in who you are and what you have to offer.

Wibbs

cantdecide wrote: »

Wibbs, you're sounding very depressed and definitely definitely lacking self esteem. You should give it a break for now and work on your modesty/ humility confidence. Remember, only exceptional people find love.

I have zero idea of what you're on about there TBH CD.

Not unless your first sentence is some sort of projection. Oh and muppets find "love" all the time.

[Deleted User]

Wibbs wrote: »

I have zero idea of what you're on about there TBH CD. Not unless your first sentence is some sort of projection. Oh and muppets find "love" all the time.

Sarcasm

I think.

Wibbs

Ah right. Feck. *sarcasm detector switched to ON"

cantdecide

Wibbs wrote: »

Ah right. Feck. *sarcasm detector switched to ON"

Lol! I peruse on the stock answer for someone who laments lack of dating success is to quit and work on yourself.

The job hunt analogy kind of works here and ironically, one of the other big things I have in my mind is a job hunt, also with no success and little to glean some hope from (haven't got an interview yet- loads of people have told my CV looks great and I'm doing all the right things). However, when someone asks me how my job hunt is going and I respond realistically, I get a completely different response- keep trying/ keep pushing/ you deserve it/ try this/ do that/ go there/ gitter done. Not exactly the stock answer you get from negative little or no experiences of OD dating which might be 'you should quit searching and do some more courses'.

Deleted User wrote: »

Every time you post about dating and your experiences of it you comment on yourself negatively. That is your problem right there cd. Your lack of confidence in who you are and what you have to offer.

Yes a bit but also no. I have had a very lackluster experience with OD in the past and in the past, it took a toll on my self esteem. I'll admit that I probably do purge my negative thoughts on the experience here [sorry, I know I probably shouldn't do that] but it kind of does reflect my experiences with it realistically.

At large, I do feel good about myself but simply put, I'm a tough sell. I know what low self esteem feels like and these days I'm too wizened and road worn to let the stuff get me down that once did. I know that people confuse my reflective introspection with low self esteem but I, for one believe there's nothing wrong with me- this is how I grow. In my mind, it's just a little self deprecation on a realistically tough area of my life.

"How's your OD experience going, CD?"
"Fairly poor- I get one line responses and haven't been on a date yet"
"How do you feel about it"
"It's rough on the ego but it ain't getting me down- I'm still hoping for some luck"
"You should quit and work on your self esteem"
"Gah!"

um7y1h83ge06nx

Here's my 2 cents on online dating back when I was single.

It depends on the guy. If you look like most Hollywood actors you'll do well, it's obviously very visual. If you're more average looking, like me, then it can be hard to get past the initial break the ice phase. I was far more successful face to face than online as I have a pretty good, fun, open personality and good at banter. I wasn't afraid to approach women either.

Thing is online dating has a very low barrier to entry when you think about. All Tinder asks is that you have a smartphone, FB profile and a data plan. Meeting women in real life requires you to get out and about and to have some confidence (not all that simple sometimes). So easy just to install Tinder and be sitting on the couch watching TV and flicking through it. But maybe it has a detrimental effect on some people, possibly lowering their self esteem whn you keep getting knocked back and maybe making people lazy to get out and about and meet people in real life.