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Child Item

'Daddy Issues' - Relationship?

Asylum15

Just out of an incredibly mentally draining relationship, full of lies, heartbreak, incredible sex, love, pain.

- Met girl in August (She's 19, I'm 23).
- Had an incredible first date, second date, etc.
- In a relationship, whereby there was no issues for 2 months.
- Sex is absolutely incredible (15-20 orgasms per night)
- She tells me about her father being physically abusive as a child, and how her home is ruined.
- Breaks up with me for no reason 2 months into the relationship, calling it a 'panic.' Comes back apologetically and we get back.
- Breaks up again 3 weeks later after I do something really nice for her. Stupidly, I go back again. (Emotional thinking over logical.)
- Breaks up with me 4 days before Christmas (almost 2 months after the 2nd break up), because we get into an argument, after I had to come to her nicely to ask if she was ok, I could sense she was down. (She suffered depression)
- Break contact for nearly 2 months, with which she is getting therapy in parallel.
- Try again end of January until 26th February.
- 4th Break up.

Aswell as the above, a ton of things come out after the latest breakup, which she volunteers to me:

- She had feelings for my best friend only HOURS after meeting him? I suspected this (my best friend had zero interest in her), and she lied to me multiple times about this.
- One of my deepest childhood 'secrets' I told her, she told someone else after promising me she never would.
- She told me she had an 8 month relationship before she met me, and she never had sex with him (found it hard to believe). Turns out, she never even met the guy, but through an online dating app, and text each other for 8 months getting very close, but never meeting.

I guess this is what they call fatal attraction, and I know I've got some issues of my own to sort if I kept going back, but it's so damn hard to leave someone you care so much about.

Any feedback, or similar experiences welcome.

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Asylum15

KikiDee wrote: »

Ignore it.

I'm going to tell you to do something that right now, is going to seem impossible. Cut all contact. Give yourself time to grieve the loss of your relationship in a drama free zone.

I didn't even flinch, I was just standing there like... ?

I now know who the man is, where he lives, and his wife/kids? I'm not passive aggressive or stupid so I've no intention of doing anything but ignoring it, but everyone attached to this family are absolutely bonkers.

And once more, never did I ever 'threaten' anyone associated with them. Either he's making up lies, or she is.

Lavinia

Cut the contact with her is my advice. You will feel better knowing you will not getting down to "her level" or simply lowering yours in a communication. I presume you are not proud of your calling names episode, you do not need that.

Be stronger and move on.

Asylum15

I've cut all contact. Found that scare tactic amusing. Worse yet, 'threatening' text was eye opening. The lies she must be telling.

Asylum15

Apologies for double post:

Should there be any action after such a threat?

K_P

Asylum15 wrote: »

Should there be any action after such a threat?

No, absolutely not. It'll just keep her in your life for longer and longer. Unless that's what you want...

You say you found it amusing, not threatening. Leave it be, forget about her, stop trying to track down who threatened you. Move on.

blacklilly

OP sometimes talking about issues/problems etc is good and sometimes it can result in an obsession.
There is no conflicting advice in this thread, every poster is in agreement, you need to cut all contact, move on and forget about her.

You're 23yrs young but old enough not be a fool about things.

We tend to attract similar people into our lives in terms of personalities, insecurities etc. You should strongly consider counselling as although your ex seems very confused and messed up, you need to know why you were willing to give her 4 chances!

timmy880

Obviously this isn't just about the sex (although 15-20 orgasms a night is outrageous but if it happened well then kudos good sir)

In all seriousness, she has lied about some pretty serious stuff and she is just taking advantage of your emotions. Not only do the timing of the breakups seem harsh but the tone which she takes (based on what you've said) appears callous....

She is young and hopefully will regret such behaviour in the future. See it as a great lesson to learn at 23 and move on. You will be better off without her.

With regards to the threat, I don't see it as legitimate but obviously frightening. You have to cut all contact to avoid any situations like that arising again.

Floppybits

Run away.

[Deleted User]

Taking actions against the threat might make it go from threat to reality. Plus you probably would be better off just not getting on this crowd's bad side. Just shake it up to a bad experience, keep your head down, and carry on with your life.

beks101

You're addicted to this relationship and that's where the jealousy and obsessive thoughts come from.

I remember your last thread on this several months ago and the incessant detail you went into, it sounded completely intense and crazy then and it still does now. It's clear as a slap in the face that the girl has issues/can't give you what you need and the longer you prolong getting over her the worse your mental health is going to get.

You're quite young and I understand from your last thread that this is your first relationship. Unfortunately you were landed with a car crash of one, and now is your time to experience your first break-up and all the heartache and headfcuk and loneliness that comes with that.

There's nothing to do but to sit tight and ride through. Ride through the obsessing and rationalizing and justifying reasons to get in touch with her again, ride through the strange silence of not having any more drama to contend with, ride through the constant desire to pick up the phone. This is life, and it toughens you up like no man's business. It teaches you how to handle rejection and emotional breakdown the next time it comes around. It teaches you about what works and what doesn't work for you in a relationship. And it teaches you to run, fast and hard, the next time someone with such sizeable emotional problems expresses interest in you.

By all means find yourself a good counsellor if you think that would help. But unfortunately the next few weeks will probably be excruciating for you, and the bulk of the work of making it out the other side has to be done by you and you alone.

Asylum15

beks101 wrote: »

You're addicted to this relationship and that's where the jealousy and obsessive thoughts come from.

I remember your last thread on this several months ago and the incessant detail you went into, it sounded completely intense and crazy then and it still does now. It's clear as a slap in the face that the girl has issues/can't give you what you need and the longer you prolong getting over her the worse your mental health is going to get.

You're quite young and I understand from your last thread that this is your first relationship. Unfortunately you were landed with a car crash of one, and now is your time to experience your first break-up and all the heartache and headfcuk and loneliness that comes with that.

There's nothing to do but to sit tight and ride through. Ride through the obsessing and rationalizing and justifying reasons to get in touch with her again, ride through the strange silence of not having any more drama to contend with, ride through the constant desire to pick up the phone. This is life, and it toughens you up like no man's business. It teaches you how to handle rejection and emotional breakdown the next time it comes around. It teaches you about what works and what doesn't work for you in a relationship. And it teaches you to run, fast and hard, the next time someone with such sizeable emotional problems expresses interest in you.

By all means find yourself a good counsellor if you think that would help. But unfortunately the next few weeks will probably be excruciating for you, and the bulk of the work of making it out the other side has to be done by you and you alone.

Thanks for this. Due to get some counselling soon. She rang (mobile method) last night and we talked, and she told me she's developed this new 'stress' thing with her hands where she rubs them and it causes rashes etc. She said she is sorry about the threat, she didn't know about it (ok?) and that she wants no more contact. Funnily, she finished off by saying, maybe in 6 months we can talk again?

Thoughts on keeping a diary to record feelings rather than texting her?

njs030

Asylum15 wrote: »

Thanks for this. Due to get some counselling soon. She rang (mobile method) last night and we talked, and she told me she's developed this new 'stress' thing with her hands where she rubs them and it causes rashes etc. She said she is sorry about the threat, she didn't know about it (ok?) and that she wants no more contact. Funnily, she finished off by saying, maybe in 6 months we can talk again?

Thoughts on keeping a diary to record feelings rather than texting her?

A diary is a really good idea. Stop contacting her and block her so she cant contact you. In 6 months if you want to talk to her you can unblock her- but I'm 100% sure you won't!!

Ursus Horribilis

Eh??? I thought you had said you had blocked her? Please tell me she rang on a new number, not her own one...

I didn't know you had posted about this before until beks mentioned it. My eyes were out on stalks by the time I finished reading your original thread. Yet you went back for even more. Holy sweet jeebus. I think it's you who needs therapy at the end of this all. Badly.

To say this is daddy issues is life saying a tsunami is a gentle wave breaking onto a beach. Your ex is nothing but trouble and the sort of person who will quite likely destroy you. She has done more damage in a few short months than most people manage in a lifetime. She's a deeply damaged individual who may never become the person you wish she was. It's not your job to fix her. Nor should you waste your life away, hoping against hope that she'll become normal.

So for heaven's sake, again I'm going to tell you to CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HER. No calls, no texts, no snap chats, no emails, no Facebook, no tweets, no WhatsApp, no Viber. Am I missing anything else here?

I think talking again in 6 months time is a terrible idea. It is leaving you on the hook and stopping you from accepting that it is over. It's a sticking plaster over the gaping wound that is this car crash of a relationship. So in short, block her and go get therapy urgently

Asylum15

Odus fell down wrote: »

Eh??? I thought you had said you had blocked her? Please tell me she rang on a new number, not her own one...

I didn't know you had posted about this before until beks mentioned it. My eyes were out on stalks by the time I finished reading your original thread. Yet you went back for even more. Holy sweet jeebus. I think it's you who needs therapy at the end of this all. Badly.

To say this is daddy issues is life saying a tsunami is a gentle wave breaking onto a beach. Your ex is nothing but trouble and the sort of person who will quite likely destroy you. She has done more damage in a few short months than most people manage in a lifetime. She's a deeply damaged individual who may never become the person you wish she was. It's not your job to fix her. Nor should you waste your life away, hoping against hope that she'll become normal.

So for heaven's sake, again I'm going to tell you to CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HER. No calls, no texts, no snap chats, no emails, no Facebook, no tweets, no WhatsApp, no Viber. Am I missing anything else here?

I think talking again in 6 months time is a terrible idea. It is leaving you on the hook and stopping you from accepting that it is over. It's a sticking plaster over the gaping wound that is this car crash of a relationship. So in short, block her and go get therapy urgently

I went back for more because she had committed to doing some things such as:

- Therapy
- Quitting alcohol
- New diet/exercise regime.
- Communicating her feelings better.

Stupid of me, yes, and as you said, shows my own issues.

Ursus Horribilis

So is she blocked now? Beks hit the nail on the head when she said this is an addiction.

Asylum15

Odus fell down wrote: »

So is she blocked now? Beks hit the nail on the head when she said this is an addiction.

She called me on an old phone I keep charged because it has numbers of people I haven't transferred yet. Call came up as private num. Should have hung up?

Ursus Horribilis

What's done is done. What's far more important is what you do in the future. Should she manage to contact you again, tell her that is for the best that you two don't stay in touch. What's more worrisome from your point of view is this 6 months thing.

LegacyUser

Asylum15 wrote: »

Something I don't understand is this. I've had girls reject me before, I've dated girls for a few weeks, then had THEM say we don't go further, and vice versa, and besides a day or so of sadness, it's not bothered me. Does this show the underlying emotional power of a girl with such issues to keep me coming back? I'm from a very close family, my life is bang in check on ALL fronts.

I can see you're still pretty wrapped into this girl, and you know what, that's ok. I guarantee you if you don't contact this girl ever again it will get easier and easier and eventually you'll look back and be glad, genuinely glad, you did it.

The big thing that strikes me from all this is that you are looking for an answer that doesn't exist, that could never exist. Even if you could give this girl truth serum she couldn't honestly tell you why she did what she did, and that's true for all of us. We're all subject to unconscious drives that we have no knowledge of and we are subject to unconscious biases that blind us to things others can see quite obviously.

Every time you want to ask her a question just remember she will answer what seems like the truth (maybe) at that point in time, it doesn't mean it was the truth when the action originally occurred. She has no more access to her unconscious drives than you do. Only a considerable length of time spent in deep contemplation of our inner selves could give any of us glimpses into the behavioural drives behind our actions (imo). She doesn't sound like she's really capable of that sort of introspection. The older I get the more I realise how many of my actions are determined by events left buried in my sub-conscious from years ago.

This will sound harsh, but life is too short to be the person who holds her hand while she gets "better" (a relative term at best). It might be that temperamentally ye are both too unsuited for each other and that ye bring out the worst in each other, who knows. Life is hard enough without having a nightmare relationship making it worse. You seem to have that classic male complex of wanting to "save" someone from themselves. It's a terrible trait, imo, and I know because I suffered from it (and for it) myself.

Let her go, live well yourself and in time you will be glad you chose to move on when you did. I wouldn't worry too much about why you are attracted to her, the world is full of great women you will be attracted to. Just remember there are no answers so don't look for them.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Dial Hard

Seriously, dude, you are so invested in this train-crash of a woman that you're now trying to medicalise her behaviour in order to excuse it.

I honestly don't think anything anyone here can say will make any difference to you. You're doing the online equivalent of smiling and nodding while all the advice goes in one ear and out the other because as far as you're concerned, you know better. No-one here *understands* her like you do.

Hopefully your counsellor has better success with you than the posters on here have, but I suspect we'll see another thread about you and this girl before long.

Asylum15

Dial Hard wrote: »

Seriously, dude, you are so invested in this train-crash of a woman that you're now trying to medicalise her behaviour in order to excuse it.

I honestly don't think anything anyone here can say will make any difference to you. You're doing the online equivalent of smiling and nodding while all the advice goes in one ear and out the other because as far as you're concerned, you know better. No-one here *understands* her like you do.

Hopefully your counsellor has better success with you than the posters on here have, but I suspect we'll see another thread about you and this girl before long.

I have zero intention of 'excusing' her behaviour, or getting back with this girl. I'm merely trying to make sense, which I know is not always possible.

[Deleted User]

Eh. Turn off this other phone that you keep and you'll minimize the chances of her contacting you again.

Asylum15

This video perfectly describes our relationship;

<SNIP> Videos not allowed, as outlined in charter

me being the red ball, except I came back.

I want to thank everyone here for their replies and time.

That_Guy

Stop talking to her. This isn't a relationship. This is a series of incredibly bad mistakes. For both of your sakes, move on, take care of yourself first and just forget about this whole thing.

We've all made mistakes with people or been involved in crappy relationships but most people come out of them with a wiser head. You don't seem to be learning anything whatsoever.

If it sounds harsh it's because it's what needs to be said. You sound like you have this anchor tied around your feet. If you don't break free of it, you'll end up worse than you were before.

I've been there. Wanting to help somebody because it's just the type of person you are. Believe me, you're going down the path I'd never want anybody to experience. Putting your own feelings/emotions on hold to try make her better.

It doesn't work like that. You will crash and burn if you keep up like this OP. From someone who has been there, went through it and finally come out stronger because of it, trust me.

[Deleted User]

Asylum15 wrote: »

This video perfectly describes our relationship;

<SNIP> Videos not allowed, as outlined in charter

me being the red ball, except I came back.

I want to thank everyone here for their replies and time.

You came back then or now?

Ursus Horribilis

Asylum. It looks like you've swapped one addiction for another. Instead of being your ex's mental plaything, you've become her analyst from a distance. Is obsessing about what may have made her what she is a different way of keeping her in your life? You seem to be utterly obsessed with her and that is something you need to accept and get professional help for.

Asylum15

Thanks to those who helped. Have had 2 therapy sessions since the last post, including a drunken email from her in which she said she ''never meant to hurt me, but she lied. She never orgasmed with me.''

Made a fool of me I guess. Thanks to you guys/gals for opening my eyes.

batmanrobin

Asylum15 wrote: »

Thanks to those who helped. Have had 2 therapy sessions since the last post, including a drunken email from her in which she said she ''never meant to hurt me, but she lied. She never orgasmed with me.''

Made a fool of me I guess. Thanks to you guys/gals for opening my eyes.

Well done for going to therapy. I hope you're finding it beneficial and will stick with it.

I'm not 100% sure, but I think there is a way to block emails from people. Someone else on boards might know.

I know it's hard for you right now. Just try to really focus on your own well being for the next while. You will come out the other side and you will feel much better, but it will take time.

LegacyUser

Asylum I do know where you are coming from because this type of person can really get under your skin and get inside your head. You think you will never meet anyone like them again, that the sex was the best you ever had or will ever have again but the reality is somebody like that can never give you what you want. The on again/off again, the triangulation - trying to get with your friend at the same time or possibly sleeping with others while she's with you and on a break from you. Make sure to get an STD test.

It's good that you are getting therapy because somebody like that can damage you for future relationships. In 6 months time you will look back and realise that it wasn't a healthy relationship and in time you will stop thinking about her and obsessing about her less and less. Then you can move on and try find someone who is right for you and capable of having a healthy adult relationship.

Raminahobbin

Asylum15 wrote: »

Thanks to those who helped. Have had 2 therapy sessions since the last post, including a drunken email from her in which she said she ''never meant to hurt me, but she lied. She never orgasmed with me.''

Made a fool of me I guess. Thanks to you guys/gals for opening my eyes.

When you say you've had 2 therapy sessions, does that mean you have gone to therapy with a therapist- for yourself- or that she has used you for her own little therapy session, to bounce her issues off you again?

Just the way you say 'including a drunken email' makes it not very clear.

HiGlo

Asylum15 wrote: »

Thanks to those who helped. Have had 2 therapy sessions since the last post, including a drunken email from her in which she said she ''never meant to hurt me, but she lied. She never orgasmed with me.''

Made a fool of me I guess. Thanks to you guys/gals for opening my eyes.

I can only assume there was more content to the e:mail than that, but it seems to me like she's still trying to "play" with you. There was no need for her to reveal that to you except to serve the purpose of hurting you. She wasn't drunk, that was a pre-meditated decision to send you an e:mail - in the pretence of being drunk.... I would hazzard a guess that maybe she's angry at you for blocking her so she's getting vindictive and looking for a reaction from you (any kind of reaction) to reignite contact.

I think it's great that you're getting therapy yourself cause it'll help to get it all out. Hopefully you can stay strong on staying away from this girl. She probably needs help and love and support etc but not from you. She's in no place for a relationship at the moment.

I wish you all the best and hope you successfully walk away.