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Whether to attend a funeral

mct1

A recent friend (we've known her a few months from a class we attend), her elderly uncle has died after long illness. My husband is talking about attending the funeral but to be honest I'm wondering whether we should. In the past we've obviously attended funerals of immediate family members of our close friends, neighbours, etc but not of their various aunts and uncles that we'd never met - nor would they expect us to, I'm sure.

We never knew this uncle, nor any of his his immediate family who have flown in to be at the funeral. Myself I just feel one should draw the line somewhere. It's not as if she's particularly distressed, and my thought is that we should leave her to her family while they are over. I'm pretty sure she won't expect us to attend by the way.

I'm just interested in what people would do here. Neither of us was brought up here, so sometimes we're not always sure what's acceptable.

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Sam Kade

weisses wrote: »

Never understood the Irish fixation on attending funerals of people they barely knew

It's usually someone in the family that they know that is the reason for going not because they barely knew the dead person.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Is there such thing as funeral tourists?
There's an aul one near my dads house and I think she goes to funerals for fun.
I personally couldn't think of anything worse. I'll only go if I'm very close to the person that's dead.

Sam Kade

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Is there such thing as funeral tourists?
There's an aul one near my dads house and I think she goes to funerals for fun.
I personally couldn't think of anything worse. I'll only go if I'm very close to the person that's dead.

I'm sure they'll appreciate your presence

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Is there such thing as funeral tourists?
There's an aul one near my dads house and I think she goes to funerals for fun.
I personally couldn't think of anything worse. I'll only go if I'm very close to the person that's dead.

I know a couple who attend every funeral within miles.

"Where you not at Jack Reilly's funeral, Srameen?"
"No, I didn't know him or any of his family"
"We met his sister-in-law's neighbour once"
"Ok"
"There was a lovely spread in the community centre afterwards"

They dine off a funeral every other day.

Sam Kade

Kadence Substantial Machinery wrote: »

I know a couple who attend every funeral within miles.

"Where you not at Jack Reilly's funeral, Kadence Substantial Machinery?"
"No, I didn't know him or any of his family"
"We met his sister-in-law's neighbour once"
"Ok"
"There was a lovely spread in the community centre afterwards"

They dine off a funeral every other day.

They are scavengers that are too mean to buy their own food. Amazes me how people know so much about what other people do, unless you are fond of gossip.

duchalla

Most of the funerals people go to is to sympathise with the family of the the deceased. You don't realise it til it comes to your own door, but when my Dad died, I had work colleagues travel 200 miles round trip to pay their respects. Some of these people never meet my Dad. It was still a lovely gesture.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Kadence Substantial Machinery wrote: »

I know a couple who attend every funeral within miles.

"Where you not at Jack Reilly's funeral, Kadence Substantial Machinery?"
"No, I didn't know him or any of his family"
"We met his sister-in-law's neighbour once"
"Ok"
"There was a lovely spread in the community centre afterwards"

They dine off a funeral every other day.

A few years ago I was friends with this treacherous cow, who seemed to enjoy tragedy. When we were about 19, a guy I knew got killed in Australia. They were bringing the body home but everyone was talking about it naturally. She text me, who's this lad that was killed? "He's XXX boyfriend, he's from XXX. Nice lad but only knew him to say hello to"
Now she didn't know his girlfriend either, I did because she was in my class in primary school for 8 years.

A week or so later the body came home.
"Lexie are you going to the funeral?"
No why would I?

After the funeral I got
"God the poor family, it was very sad"
Physcopath actually went to the funeral!

Another young lad died from a Heroin overdose, she'd walk past him on the street when he was alive. She went to that funeral. She came to my dads funeral despite knowing I would be fit to leap across the pew and drag her down the aisle by the hair I hate her so much. She came up to sympathise with me and it was all I could do to stop myself punching her in the face. She was crying more than any of the actual family, muttering it's very sad.

I just don't get it. On her Facebook she constantly shares terrible things, dead babies, sick babies, missing people. There was a man that went missing this time last year and she added his wife on Facebook and likes and comments on her posts. Wtf.

Griefporn

Mars Bar

Deleted User wrote: »

Just found out that the grandmother of one of my best friends is being buried in Cork today.

He didn't tell me cos he knew I'd travel up and just wanted to spare me the journey. He didn't even want to tell me the church when I was on to him last night, but RIP.ie is great for that.

Was at 3 removals Friday night. Father of neighbour, brother of acquaintance, elderly man I knew.

Oh you're one of those people! Is it not depressing going to so many funerals?!

[Deleted User]

Mars Bar wrote: »

Oh you're one of those people! Is it not depressing going to so many funerals?!

As in people from South Kerry/West Cork?

We go to funerals. You should see a removal or funeral in Beara, the whole peninsula can turn out.

It's not that depressing, unless the death is particularly tragic, a young person, an accident etc. In fact I think it says something great about a community and the underlying respect for each other and the family of the bereaved.

Arkady

weisses wrote: »

Never understood the Irish fixation on attending funerals of people they barely knew

It's not so much for the deceased, unless you knew them well, it's to show your support to any family members that you do know. It's in local communities where it becomes even more important, and to be honest it's one of the nicer things about living in such a community. Death affects everyone in a community. I've never understood drab English funerals were only very close family members attend and there's often only several people at a funeral, it seems to be a very depressing hostile attitude to community, and a lack of respect for someone's life.

Samaris

It probably can be laid a certain amount down to the culture of the area. Beara is an interesting example - if it is as I imagine, much like the place I'm living in now, everyone vaguely knows everyone and a loss is felt by the whole community.

The first week I started in my internship...actually, two people connected with the company died*, one on the Monday and one on the Thursday. There was a two-hour lunch on the Wednesday for people to go to the funeral of the first, and the second, we all of us went out when we knew the hearse'd be passing to line the cross-roads as a measure of respect. I didn't go to the funeral of the first; it was left entirely optional and no-one really expected a total newbie who'd never known the lady to go. But I thought the lining of the cross-road was a lovely gesture.

Where I come from, it's a bigger town for one thing, so bar a close-knit inner community, I suppose you might say (of which my family isn't particularly part, not having at least five grandparents, dead or alive, buried in the local graveyard!) that all know each other, it's not really so much of a done thing. Go if you know them, go if you know someone closely connected and you want to show support if it's possible and you're in the right country (which I wasn't for the last time that happened, I'd have gone to my neighbour's funeral otherwise), don't go if ...well, you're not yourself affected by the person's death.

*Edit: I was reassured that this is not a usual sort of death rate!

[Deleted User]

Samaris wrote: »

It probably can be laid a certain amount down to the culture of the area. Beara is an interesting example - if it is as I imagine, much like the place I'm living in now, everyone vaguely knows everyone and a loss is felt by the whole community.

Yeah, Beara is amazing for funerals. The population of the peninsula is about 5,000 and there are huge links, everyone is connected, or knows each other, or at least members of each other's families. Have stood in queues for 2 hours winding all the way back through the town of Castletownbere to sympathise, even funeral masses midweek in the middle of the day can see crowds left standing in the car park because the church is packed.

Mars Bar

Deleted User wrote: »

As in people from South Kerry/West Cork?

We go to funerals. You should see a removal or funeral in Beara, the whole peninsula can turn out.

It's not that depressing, unless the death is particularly tragic, a young person, an accident etc. In fact I think it says something great about a community and the underlying respect for each other and the family of the bereaved.

No, a funeral hopper. It's not just a Kerry or Cork thing. My aunt is a funeral hopper here in Galway too and I know people talk about her because of it. My Dad has a mad obsession with catching the death notices on the radio. I find it all very strange!

FunLover18

I think one's answer to the OP's question is a reflection on one's own grieving process. I don't know if my friends know that my grandmother died a few years back because I never told them and I didn't want them there. Grieving is private for me and having people offer their condolences and wanting to shake my hand (as well intentioned as I know it is) doesn't appeal to me.

So coming at it from that angle I only go to funerals of direct family and maybe grandparents, the further out you go the less support they'll need. It also depends how long I've known them, I've been in my current job for a year but there are very few colleagues I would feel the need to support if someone close to them died.

So answer to the OP's I wouldn't even consider going to the funeral of an uncle of someone I'd known a few months.

ProudDUB

Sam Kade wrote: »

It's usually someone in the family that they know that is the reason for going not because they barely knew the dead person.

Agreed.

I really don't get the "I didn't know the dead person, so I shouldn't have to go" mentality. You don't go to funerals, (if you didn't know the deceased,) you go to support their family and loved ones, that you DO know.

I couldn't have gotten through my dads funeral, without the presence of some friends and work colleagues. They barely barely knew my dad, but they knew me and they wanted to be there for me. There was so much underlying grief and family tension in that 72 hour period, it was wonderful being able to blow off steam around them. It was such a release to be able to say things to them, that I couldn't say to my immediate family, if I didn't want to spend the next 10 years having it thrown back in my face.