Present for wedding afters?

SarahMollie wrote: »

Oh come on, she's not trolling or anything like it.

Obviously there is a difference but I think K2A is just saying that she still sees value in being invited at all.

The whole day is a celebration.

Summed it up Sarah

livedadream

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Im a troll because I'm not agreeing with you? Interesting.

Where did I compare the two as the very same? I didn't actually, that's how you took it up.

your a troll because your trying to change the discussion to where a marriage takes place.

you asked the question would you turn up empty handed if you were invited to someone house for dinner, like i said when i made my point: this whole discussion centres around NOT being invited to the dinner.

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Would you be offended if the couple simply couldn't afford to have everyone they want at the full day and many of their friends got an afters invite?

I'm not sure it's always meant as an insult.

I'd rather take it that they think enough of you to want you there at all! I guess I prefer to look for the good in people than get offended for no big reason.

Would you be offended if the person attending couldn't afford to cover their meal

esforum wrote: »

You keep comparing events that are leagues apart, did people actually celebrate the 'happy' day of the funeral?

Do people generally give gifts at funerals?

I have never felt pressured when invited to a wedding, I am a guest for multiple weddings and in return those people attended my wedding. I gave a gift, they gave a gift.

Do you feel pressured when attending birthdays as well?

I thought you said it was polite to cover costs if you were invited somewhere? I mean you told me my friends must hate inviting me places because I'm tight so you're the one dragging the comparrisons into it.
Would you cover the cost of your meal and cover expenses at a funeral?

livedadream wrote: »

your a troll because your trying to change the discussion to where a marriage takes place.

you asked the question would you turn up empty handed if you were invited to someone house for dinner, like i said when i made my point: this whole discussion centres around NOT being invited to the dinner.

I made a point that marriages don't only happen in churches (people do having weddings in hotels or even outside now and they are as valid). Not everyone here is religious. And those attending the afters will be at the place where the new marriage is being celebrated.

That's stating a fact.

I used a meal in someone's home as an example. The invite to an occasion was the point.

No need to get so het up over it, and relax with the troll card, save it for an actual troll.

jadie

Keane2baMused wrote: »

If it was a very close family member or friend I would give something. Otherwise just a card.

Both are first cousin's from either side. I'd rarely meet them except at family events

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Would you be offended if the person attending couldn't afford to cover their meal

No why would I?

I don't turn up empty handed as that's just the way I am, it doesn't mean I want or expect others to follow suit.

I'd rather they didn't, as I pointed out.

SarahMollie

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Would you be offended if the person attending couldn't afford to cover their meal

Well considering she previously said that she's asking for charity donations in lieu of gifts at her own wedding, then I doubt it

Personally, I think you tend to know your friends circumstances, and if someone was struggling but was still my friend, I'd still rather have them there than staying away for financial reasons. I'd never organise a wedding that I couldnt afford without paying for it with gifts anyway.

I certainly wouldn't be going through the cards the next day and noting who had given what so I could hold it against them!

jadie wrote: »

Both are first cousin's from either side. I'd rarely meet them except at family events

1st cousins are a tough one but I think if I wasn't a bit close to them I would probably just give a card. It's unlikely they would think you would give anything anyway and if they did, feck it

livedadream

Keane2baMused wrote: »

I made a point that marriages don't only happen in churches (people do having weddings in hotels or even outside now and they are as valid). Not everyone here is religious. And those attending the afters will be at the place where the new marriage is being celebrated.

.

a church was the example I used, that doesn't mean I am religious or that weddings not in a church is not valid. Your assumption is wrong.

most non church weddings i have been to have been in other places than where the meal and music after are.

even if its the same hotel its in a separate room or area or even outside.

inviting someone to the afters of your wedding, civil partnership, bar-mitzvah, bat mitzvah, christening or whatever you want to choose it up to the person organising it but traipsing along after the meal or whatever has happened before you get there is normally not enjoyable unless there is a solid group going down together.

Giving money for the privilege to attend the last 3rd of an event is not something most people will enjoy either... and I say money because that is the common gift given at these events

SarahMollie

Keane2baMused wrote: »

1st cousins are a tough one but I think if I wasn't a bit close to them I would probably just give a card. It's unlikely they would think you would give anything anyway and if they did, feck it

Yeah, agree.

Just a card, or very small token if you feel you must. Chances are it was a courtesy invite.

I wouldnt know half of my first cousins if I tripped over them in the street. Cousin invites don't seem to be a feature in my family thankfully.

livedadream wrote: »

Giving money for the privilege to attend the last 3rd of an event is not something most people will enjoy either... and I say money because that is the common gift given at these events

I think it's a nice gesture to give something and to say congrats.

As I said before I'm not really of the view that an afters invite is an insult, that's probably why I have no issue throwing a view quid in a card/ giving a gift.

whisky_galore

Linda Glamorous Greengrocer wrote: »

If I'm not invited to the full thing I never bother with the afters, and tbh I usually find an excuse to get out of the full invite too.

If I went to the afters, and I've never done so, I wouldn't give a present. You're basically only there to make up the numbers so the party isn't a miserable affair.

I hate weddings.

Amen to that.

Wedding invites are big fcuking unwanted bills coming through the letterbox. Afters are for the folks not good enough to be invited to the full monty.

SarahMollie

whisky_galore wrote: »

Amen to that.

Wedding invites are big fcuking unwanted bills coming through the letterbox. Afters are for the folks not good enough to be invited to the full monty.

Little miserly, no?

I like going to weddings, even with all of the expense involved. That said I've only ever gone to the weddings of good friends or my OH's good friends.

Wouldnt be fond of going to weddings for the sake of it, as seems to be the case down the country a bit. A guy I work with was at 11 weddings last year. He's from Galway. He was so jaded by the time #11 rolled around!

LexieOnRale wrote: »

I thought you said it was polite to cover costs if you were invited somewhere? I mean you told me my friends must hate inviting me places because I'm tight so you're the one dragging the comparrisons into it.
Would you cover the cost of your meal and cover expenses at a funeral?

If I was burying my wife and someone handed me a card with some scratchies in it I would hit them and tell them theres a world of difference between protocal at celebrations and funerals.

esforum wrote: »

If I was burying my wife and someone handed me a card with some scratchies in it I would hit them and tell them theres a world of difference between protocal at celebrations and funerals.

So covering expenses is rude. Giving a gift is not rude.
A gift is something you put thought and consideration info on a special occasion.
A gift is not to cover your expenses.

LexieOnRale wrote: »

So covering expenses is rude. Giving a gift is not rude.
A gift is something you put thought and consideration info on a special occasion.
A gift is not to cover your expenses.

Is that what I said? No. What I said was society has decided that you dont give gifts at funerals, you do at celebrations and that many many cultures and those witin those cultures consider it rude to not cover the cost of inviting you in said gift,

esforum wrote: »

Is that what I said? No. What I said was society has decided that you dont give gifts at funerals, you do at celebrations and that many many cultures and those witin those cultures consider it rude to not cover the cost of inviting you in said gift,

So what's wrong with my ticket idea?

thattequilagirl

LexieOnRale wrote: »

So what's wrong with my ticket idea?

It completely misunderstands the reasoning behind why people give presents at weddings, which is to help the newlyweds starting out in life. It's something you do out of the goodness of your heart, not because of any expectations.

Back in the day, when most people only moved in together after getting married, it was normal to give something that would be useful around the house.

Nowadays, most couples have been living together for years before they get married, so that doesn't make as much sense.

So many people choose (there's no obligation) to give cash so the couple can have a few quid for their honeymoon or whatever else they might want to spend it on.

Some couples might explicitly state that they would prefer cash, which basically just makes things easy for everyone. The amount is up to yourself.

If a friend of mine was offended by a request for a gift of cash and then spent 300 squid on her outfit/getting dressed up, I'd think her priorities were seriously skewed.

thattequilagirl wrote: »

It completely misunderstands the reasoning behind why people give presents at weddings, which is to help the newlyweds starting out in life. It's something you do out of the goodness of your heart, not because of any expectations.

Back in the day, when most people only moved in together after getting married, it was normal to give something that would be useful around the house.

Nowadays, most couples have been living together for years before they get married, so that doesn't make as much sense.

So many people choose (there's no obligation) to give cash so the couple can have a few quid for their honeymoon or whatever else they might want to spend it on.

Some couples might explicitly state that they would prefer cash, which basically just makes things easy for everyone. The amount is up to yourself.

If a friend of mine was offended by a request for a gift of cash and then spent 300 squid on her outfit/getting dressed up, I'd think her priorities were seriously skewed.

Why would someone's priorities be skewed for spending money on themselves going to a wedding?

thattequilagirl

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Why would someone's priorities be skewed for spending money on themselves going to a wedding?

There's nothing wrong with spending money on yourself for the wedding, but if you're willing to spend that much on yourself, it just seems really odd to begrudge the couple for asking for cash as a gift (when you were most likely going to get them something anyway)

thattequilagirl wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with spending money on yourself for the wedding, but if you're willing to spend that much on yourself, it just seems really odd to begrudge the couple for asking for cash as a gift (when you were most likely going to get them something anyway)

Oh no, you're misunderstanding me, I think. I always give cash. But I don't accept invitations to many weddings to be honest, I don't enjoy weddings so I only go to close friends or ohs close friends. And we'll stick 200 in a card and that's it. I don't begrudge giving a gift, but it'll be our choice what we give. Whether we buy them a toaster, a voucher or give them cash.
When I feel like they're charging admission to their wedding and that I'm only being invited to help pay for the dinner and band is when I have issues with it. I think it's tacky, classless and rude to ask your guests to make sure they cover the cost of them being invited. I have no issue with giving gifts, as in, offering them a token of goodwill of them beginning their life together.
I have an issue of people expecting X amount in a card.

LexieOnRale wrote: »

So what's wrong with my ticket idea?

if you dont know the answer to that (even though I already answered the first time you asked) then I really cant help you.

I think it's clear by now you don't like weddings. Hopefully your guests will take a more light-hearted approach to your own.

It doesn't need to be so dramatic and..frankly verging on a little snooty about the whole thing.

No need to sweat the small stuff.

Well with all due respect expecting people who might not be in a position to cover the cost of their meals and entertainment in an expensive venue isn't exactly "small stuff". Each to their own though I suppose.