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Present for wedding afters?

shamrock2004

I've been invited to the afters of a wedding boardsies. I've been wondering about the whole wedding present idea. I know some people would eschew investing in a wedding present because you were not invited to the wedding itself, while others have no issues. I'm undecided. I'm interested in knowing what others think?

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qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Keane2baMused wrote: »

The cost of which is your choice remember. Nobody said you have to buy anything new. Especially spending 300 euro.

When I go anywhere, be that to a wedding, a night out, or to tesco, I like to look my best. I work 5 days a week like I'm sure most people do. So if I'm going to go to a wedding, I'll buy a dress to wear, shoes to wear, I'll get my hair done (coloured and blowdry or upstyled), if my shoes are peep toes I'll have both my fingernails and toenails done, I'll have my tan done and I'll have my makeup done by my favourite makeup artist. I'll take a day off work, maybe two, depending on what day the wedding is on. Well stay over if the venue is a distance away. Well usually partake in the next day's celebrations. Well give a decent cash gift. If I can't afford any of that, then I don't accept the invitation.

When you're inviting your friends and family to celebrate your marriage, EXPECTING them to cover the cost of your celebration is really really rude. It shouldn't matter how much or how little you give. If you're having the party of your dreams that's great but it's unfair to pass the cost on to people you're supposed to care about. A gift is a gift, be that cash or something you wouldn't have chosen for yourself, people should be gracious. To moan and complain and comment on how tight Mary and Tom were only putting 50 in a card when they stayed listening to the band and the DJ, and enjoyed the meal is really bad form.

And people clearly do it because where else has this expectation that people cover their share of the celebration with X amount come from?

eisenberg1

Does anyone want a foot spa? That's the type of wedding present I got.

Keane2baMused

LexieOnRale wrote: »

When I go anywhere, be that to a wedding, a night out, or to tesco, I like to look my best. I work 5 days a week like I'm sure most people do. So if I'm going to go to a wedding, I'll buy a dress to wear, shoes to wear, I'll get my hair done (coloured and blowdry or upstyled), if my shoes are peep toes I'll have both my fingernails and toenails done, I'll have my tan done and I'll have my makeup done by my favourite makeup artist. I'll take a day off work, maybe two, depending on what day the wedding is on. Well stay over if the venue is a distance away. Well usually partake in the next day's celebrations. Well give a decent cash gift. If I can't afford any of that, then I don't accept the invitation.

That's great for ya, but not everyone can afford to spend such a colossal amount. Also some would prefer to put some of that towards a gift for the couple. I would hate to think my guests felt they had to get a makeup artist or a new dress/ suit to "look their best".

Different strokes but it is absolutely not an expectation. Especially not at the cost level you are describing.They are a luxury, choices even, not necessities.

I certainly think its crazy to refuse a couples invite on the basis of not being able to afford the 5 star treatment for the day. It's about celebrating with friends, not a spoil yourself day.

thattequilagirl

Keane2baMused wrote: »

That's great for ya, but not everyone can afford to spend such a colossal amount. Also some would prefer to put some of that towards a gift for the couple. I would hate to think my guests felt they had to get a makeup artist or a new dress/ suit to "look their best".

Different strokes but it is absolutely not an expectation. Especially not at the cost level you are describing.They are a luxury, choices even, not necessities.

I certainly think its crazy to refuse a couples invite on the basis of not being able to afford the 5 star treatment for the day. It's about celebrating with friends, not a spoil yourself day.

This is exactly how I feel.

I'll be wearing a handmade dress that was tailored for me in Vietnam for the princely sum of $25 in 2010. It's absolutely gorgeous and I've previously worn it for a ball in 2010 and to the races in 2013.

If I had €300 to spare to spend on how I look on the day, I definitely wouldn't be offended by a couple asking for a cash gift.

esforum

LexieOnRale wrote: »

When I personally invite people somewhere, I cover the cost. So if I want to go away for the weekend and want my oh to come, I'll pay for the hotel.

I am sitting here wondering if you realise most people would do the same. THats kinda normal which brings me to the main point, giving gifts is normal. giving sufficient funds to cover the cost is normal.

If you or your partner spend 300+ getting pretty, well thats your choice isnt it? That shouldnt reflect on the present giving plus as someone else said, who spends that?

I didnt ask if you pay at events for you, I asked how you proceed as the invited person. I kinda knew you would come across as oh so generous but hey, if you dont want presents at your wedding work away, that will be about 30 grand with 0 back for you compared to the rest of the country.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

esforum wrote: »

I am sitting here wondering if you realise most people would do the same. THats kinda normal which brings me to the main point, giving gifts is normal. giving sufficient funds to cover the cost is normal.

If you or your partner spend 300+ getting pretty, well thats your choice isnt it? That shouldnt reflect on the present giving plus as someone else said, who spends that?

I didnt ask if you pay at events for you, I asked how you proceed as the invited person. I kinda knew you would come across as oh so generous but hey, if you dont want presents at your wedding work away, that will be about 30 grand with 0 back for you compared to the rest of the country.

We're having an intimate wedding inviting people I'd have no problem buying dinner for usually. We are having people we love and care for there to witness us commit to each other forever. We are having a wedding we can afford, and a wedding our guests can attend without worrying if the people at the table next to them made their gift look tight.
Thankfully neither myself or my partner need our friends to pay for our wedding.

Keane2baMused

LexieOnRale wrote: »

We're having an intimate wedding inviting people I'd have no problem buying dinner for usually. We are having people we love and care for there to witness us commit to each other forever. We are having a wedding we can afford, and a wedding our guests can attend without worrying if the people at the table next to them made their gift look tight.
Thankfully neither myself or my partner need our friends to pay for our wedding.

But they need to spend 300 euro plus in order to look their best?

If that's the standard you usually set I wouldn't bank on your guests not feeling the pressure.

SarahMollie

I feel like this has all got a bit off topic....I'm pretty sure Lexie said she does give €200 per couple when she attends a wedding - it was the act of mentioning cash in the invite that she feels makes it sound transactional

Any additional money she wants to spend getting herself ready is her choice really if she can afford it.

I'd probably be pretty similar myself. I've only ever gone to weddings of my good friends or my OH's good friends. We're both from Dublin, so I think thats pretty normal. Down the country I think there is more of a tendency towards big weddings where neighbours etc have to be invited, hence people go to a lot more weddings, and then I can see how the costs add up

I feel like I won't be going to that many overall (even though I have 5 this year!) but any that I do attend will be meaningful so I absolutely don't mind spending on the gift, hotels, drinks and also making myself look pretty

Keane2baMused

SarahMollie wrote: »

Any additional money she wants to spend getting herself ready is her choice really if she can afford it.

I look at it this way. If I can afford to spend that amount on myself for a wedding, I would care less if someone politely asked for money instead of presents they don't need or want. I wouldn't begrudge them 50 euro to help towards their celebration.

People get their backs up over very little now.

While it may not be seen in good taste, it's more honest than those who say no gifts but secretly want them.

SarahMollie

Keane2baMused wrote: »

I look at it this way. If I can afford to spend that amount on myself for a wedding, I would care less if someone politely asked for money instead of presents they don't need or want. I wouldn't begrudge them 50 euro to help towards their celebration.

People get their backs up over very little now.

While it may not be seen in good taste, it's more honest than those who say no gifts but secretly want them.

But she said she does give the cash gift, but just thinks its rude to ask. I don't really see the issue in what she wants to spend on herself afterwards, the couple getting married have still gotten their gift. They haven't been shortchanged just because she wants her makeup done.

I do think that people overreact in terms of getting offended by people asking for cash - in reality its what most couples want these days, but it seems people want to appear as if they're doing it off their own bat and not being asked.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Well generally if someone says no gifts then they'll be happy enough to recieve no gifts. I don't want my guests to feel like they have to contribute towards my big day no more than I expected anyone to bring gifts to the "after" part of either of my parents funeral, where there was dinners provided for people who chose to come after the burial.

Boom_Bap

If I invite someone to my house for coffee, I do not expect them to leave 20 pence for the coffee and overheads.
If I invite someone to come and watch me perform a clarinet solo, I do not expect them to pay.
If I invite someone to my wedding, I do not expect them to pay for thier meal.

The term 'invite' has lost its meaning.

Keane2baMused

LexieOnRale wrote: »

If somebody has spent 300+ euro on clothes/hair/makeup/nails/tan, another 150 to stay over, say 20 to get to the venue, they're putting at least 250 behind the bar over the course of the day and night and then ON TOP of that there's a cash gift expected too?
.

SarahMollie, my point was in relation to this statement.

There's nobody forcing anyone to spend that amount to make themselves beautiful for a wedding. Its a choice.The bride and groom don't write on the invite 'please don't arrive unless you have visited the hairdresser/makeup artist or gotten new gear from Coast'.

As I said before I'm not personally taking any gifts for my wedding and I'm asking anyone who wishes to donate give to a charity ( which is very close to our hearts) and it would be much appreciated.

There's far too much unnecessary drama placed on it.

Live and let live, or just don't go

SarahMollie

LexieOnRale wrote: »

We always give cash as a wedding present, it's the easiest solution and who doesn't like money. My issue is when I recieve an invitation and it's cash preferred in a little rhyme on it. thats crawling right up my nose.

Keane2baMused wrote: »

SarahMollie, my point was in relation to this statement.

There's nobody forcing anyone to spend that amount to make themselves beautiful for a wedding. Its a choice.The bride and groom don't write on the invite 'please don't arrive unless you have visited the hairdresser/makeup artist or gotten new gear from Coast'.

As I said before I'm not personally taking any gifts for my wedding and I'm asking anyone who wishes to donate give to a charity ( which is very close to our hearts) and it would be much appreciated.

There's far too much unnecessary drama placed on it.

Live and let live, or just don't go

I agree thats an irreverent point as most of that is discretionary, apart from maybe the hotel if the wedding is far away.

What i take from her post was the word "expected".

It seems Lexie gives the typical amount (€200 per couple) but wants to feel like its not "expected", that she is giving because she wants to be generous with her friends rather than just inadvertently covering their costs.

Anyhow, I think there is little to disagree on here!

Good luck with your wedding - hope the charity does well out of it

livedadream

Keane2baMused wrote: »

If a friend invited you over for a meal would you turn up with nothing to offer? wine? flowers?

this is funny because if your invited to the afters your literally not invited to the meal.

so your question should be, if your friend invited you over after having a meal for other friends to listen to music would you show up empty handed?

SarahMollie

livedadream wrote: »

this is funny because if your invited to the afters your literally not invited to the meal.

so your question should be, if your friend invited you over after having a meal for other friends to listen to music would you show up empty handed?

This is so true - saying it like this it does sound like a massive insult

That said, I am going to an afters with a group from work - I think it feels quite appropriate for the level of a work colleague friendship, therefore not offended.

I'd say we'll give a little something, but only because we want to, not because we feel we have to.

I wouldnt judge anyone who felt €0 for afters only was fine also.

jadie

so what are people's thoughts on giving a present to a wedding you were invited to but not attending? Have two coming up in the next few months that I can't go to, have heard different opinions on whether to give a gift or not?

Keane2baMused

livedadream wrote: »

this is funny because if your invited to the afters your literally not invited to the meal.

so your question should be, if your friend invited you over after having a meal for other friends to listen to music would you show up empty handed?

They'd be going to just listen to music? Or celebrate a marriage?

And no, I still wouldn't show up empty handed.

SarahMollie

jadie wrote: »

so what are people's thoughts on giving a present to a wedding you were invited to but not attending? Have two coming up in the next few months that I can't go to, have heard different opinions on whether to give a gift or not?

I think it depends on your relationship with the couple.

If they were my good friends and I'd ideally be attending but just can't for whatever reason, then I'd still give a gift, maybe up to the same amount as if I were attending if they're really good friends. The point is that you're giving them a gift to celebrate their life event because you're their friend, regardless of if you can be in attendance.

If it was just a less meaningful invite, maybe where you've been invited because they're inviting all the cousins or everyone from the area etc.... well then maybe I'd just send a card.

I think you'll know yourself what to do.

esforum

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Well generally if someone says no gifts then they'll be happy enough to recieve no gifts. I don't want my guests to feel like they have to contribute towards my big day no more than I expected anyone to bring gifts to the "after" part of either of my parents funeral, where there was dinners provided for people who chose to come after the burial.

You keep comparing events that are leagues apart, did people actually celebrate the 'happy' day of the funeral?

Do people generally give gifts at funerals?

I have never felt pressured when invited to a wedding, I am a guest for multiple weddings and in return those people attended my wedding. I gave a gift, they gave a gift.

Do you feel pressured when attending birthdays as well?

Keane2baMused

jadie wrote: »

so what are people's thoughts on giving a present to a wedding you were invited to but not attending? Have two coming up in the next few months that I can't go to, have heard different opinions on whether to give a gift or not?

If it was a very close family member or friend I would give something. Otherwise just a card.

livedadream

Keane2baMused wrote: »

They'd be going to just listen to music? Or celebrate a marriage?

And no, I still wouldn't show up empty handed.

your question was in reference to the meal your friend had invited you over for.

if you are going to celebrate the marriage that happens at the church.

or for the 50 or so odd years everyday after the party they have...

Keane2baMused

livedadream wrote: »

your question was in reference to the meal your friend had invited you over for.

if you are going to celebrate the marriage that happens at the church.

or for the 50 or so odd years everyday after the party they have...

It happens at the church? Is that the only place a valid marriage ceremony can happen?

I wouldn't show up to any occasion or event or 'just' a meal in their home empty handed.

esforum

livedadream wrote: »

this is funny because if your invited to the afters your literally not invited to the meal.

so your question should be, if your friend invited you over after having a meal for other friends to listen to music would you show up empty handed?

i would wonder why i wasnt invited to dinner which brngs me back on topic, afters only invites is another way of saying "we really arent that close" to someone, work colleagues? acceptable, someone classed as a friend? insult.

SarahMollie

esforum wrote: »

i would wonder why i wasnt invited to dinner which brngs me back on topic, afters only invites is another way of saying "we really arent that close" to someone, work colleagues? acceptable, someone classed as a friend? insult.

True, as someone who has been both happy to recieve an afters invite (my colleagues) and also extremely offended in another instance.

Its all about the context.

I'm a gift giver by nature though, so I will give something. I just think its nice to be generous.

Another thing though is the treatment of afters guests. A colleague today was telling me that he went out of his way to attend an afters (about 2 hours away) with his girlfriend. They were told to arrive at between 8-9, and ended up spending 2.5hours in the bar as things were running so behind.

Now in that instance, I'd be pissed but it wouldnt be because it was only an afters invite.

livedadream

Keane2baMused wrote: »

It happens at the church? Is that the only place a valid marriage ceremony can happen?

I wouldn't show up to any occasion or event or 'just' a meal in their home empty handed.

stop trolling,

the marriage bit WHERE YOU ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED TO SOMEONE be it the ceremony or the signing of the register doesnt happen at the meal of afters.

you're ridiculous if you are comparing being invited to a full wedding ceremony meal and afters to your friend inviting you over for dinner.

Keane2baMused

Would you be offended if the couple simply couldn't afford to have everyone they want at the full day and many of their friends got an afters invite?

I'm not sure it's always meant as an insult.

I'd rather take it that they think enough of you to want you there at all! I guess I prefer to look for the good in people than get offended for no big reason.

Keane2baMused

livedadream wrote: »

stop trolling,

the marriage bit WHERE YOU ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED TO SOMEONE be it the ceremony or the signing of the register doesnt happen at the meal of afters.

you're ridiculous if you are comparing being invited to a full wedding ceremony meal and afters to your friend inviting you over for dinner.

Im a troll because I'm not agreeing with you? Interesting.

Where did I compare the two as the very same? I didn't actually, that's how you took it up.

livedadream

SarahMollie wrote: »

True, as someone who has been both happy to recieve an afters invite (my colleagues) and also extremely offended in another instance.

Its all about the context.

preach.

im the same work people of friends of friends i'm totally up for a good dance and even a few cocktail sausages, in that case you can throw a 'work card' where everyone chips in a few bob.

As for if one of my friends invited me to the afters i would kinda think oh okay not invited to the wedding etc weird, would still pop a voucher or a few bob into a card to mark the occasion but defo wouldnt be putting in the €100 people are talking about.

like the poster above said tis all about context

SarahMollie

livedadream wrote: »

stop trolling,

the marriage bit WHERE YOU ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED TO SOMEONE be it the ceremony or the signing of the register doesnt happen at the meal of afters.

you're ridiculous if you are comparing being invited to a full wedding ceremony meal and afters to your friend inviting you over for dinner.

Oh come on, she's not trolling or anything like it.

Obviously there is a difference but I think K2A is just saying that she still sees value in being invited at all.

The whole day is a celebration.

Lets just all chill, ok?!