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Single life as a guy...

LordNorbury

Hi folks, just thought I'd start this thread, I'm a guy in my mid 30's and single, it occurred to me to start a general discussion on single life for guys in their 20's and 30's (and upwards!)... I'm single a few years now, after a few really long term relationships, was never married and never had kids.

I don't want this to be a thread on internet dating or how to pull women as a single guy, more about the pro's and the con's of single life, the best and the worst of it, aspirations for the future, maybe regrets about the past, what you do that is important to you to have and to enjoy your life, that is generally configured very differently from many people around you, (who at this age are generally settled down with a partner and kids)...

Just interested in generating some discussion on the subject, as your man on Star Trek says, "engage!"...

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tomwaterford

kunst nugget wrote: »

By your reckoning I've only two good years left before my marriage goes to crap. I can't see it happening. We've been through a lot in our time together and I love her now more than ever. I know she feels the same because we work at our relationship and don't take anything for granted. Just because people are together a long time doesn't mean they give up on caring for each other and are just counting down the days until the shuffle off this mortal coil.

What are you basing it on? The guys who are married who spend every weekend in the pub getting pissed in the pub complaining about their wives? They're hardly a good indicator of what a lot marriages are like.

Honestly I'd say it's probably about half and half when it comes to marriages. Half are good to great and half are meh to pure dirt. I got lucky I guess.

It's no luck...you've the power to change it
I see lads in work/people I know who complain mad about their girlfriends (2 for engaged the weekend)...like proper don't like them....seem to put up with massive amounts of unhappiness/fights

And they would never in a thousand years countenance breaking up with them...you need only go the relationship/personal issues forum here to see the pure unhappiness coming down the line for em

stateofflux

tomwaterford wrote: »

It's no luck...you've the power to change it
I see lads in work/people I know who complain mad about their girlfriends (2 for engaged the weekend)...like proper don't like them....seem to put up with massive amounts of unhappiness/fights

And they would never in a thousand years countenance breaking up with them...you need only go the relationship/personal issues forum here to see the pure unhappiness coming down the line for em

ive come to the conclusion that a fear of being alone drives this. no person will make you truly happy if cannot face yourself and fears. so people grab on desperately to anyone that validates them. this is compounded by social conditioning and time (or lack of).

Mister Vain

Dickie10 wrote: »

hat do people think? is it harder for these men, they dont help themselves much in fairness, rarely frequnting anywhere other than village pubs where there are very close to zero single women

m

Well obviously they're less likely to meet someone if they never leave the village. I lived in a village myself for years but very rarely went drinking there. I used to go into town but it was a pain in the arse getting to and fro. Living in a rural area definitely puts you at a disadvantage. I go up to Temple Bar now the odd weekend and its even better there. More opportunities than the small towns and definitely more opportunities than my village.

tomwaterford

stateofflux wrote: »

ive come to the conclusion that a fear of being alone drives this. no person will make you truly happy if cannot face yourself and fears. so people grab on desperately to anyone that validates them. this is compounded by social conditioning and time (or lack of).

It's really sad when you see people like that

I very rarely ever feel much sympathy/bad for people (my own issue)...but I do feel bad for people stuck living in crappy situations/daily rows etc....all for the absolute fear of being alone

I actually couldn't imagine something worse than the stress of it...I personally wouldn't be able for it

kunst nugget

tomwaterford wrote: »

It's no luck...you've the power to change it
I see lads in work/people I know who complain mad about their girlfriends (2 for engaged the weekend)...like proper don't like them....seem to put up with massive amounts of unhappiness/fights

And they would never in a thousand years countenance breaking up with them...you need only go the relationship/personal issues forum here to see the pure unhappiness coming down the line for em

I was lucky to meet my wife but don't get me wrong - every good relationship needs two people working at it for it to be successful. If you don't, you are going to end up being two strangers sharing a house.

Some people do seem to take the view that once they get married everything will be grand for them and any minor (or major) issues they have as a couple will magically disappear. I've known a few like that in my time and I find it kind of hard to be that sympathetic when the marriage eventually fails. But again, maybe I'm being an optimist, I don't think that's indicative of the majority of marriages.

mzungu

kunst nugget wrote: »

I was lucky to meet my wife but don't get me wrong - every good relationship needs two people working at it for it to be successful. If you don't, you are going to end up being two strangers sharing a house.

Some people do seem to take the view that once they get married everything will be grand for them and any minor (or major) issues they have as a couple will magically disappear. I've known a few like that in my time and I find it kind of hard to be that sympathetic when the marriage eventually fails. But again, maybe I'm being an optimist, I don't think that's indicative of the majority of marriages.

Thankfully I know of a good few unions that are quite stable. Although, I have known a good few like what you mentioned there too. Some couples seem to hold the view that the hard work involves picking a dress, hotel, color scheme, menu, and band for the marriage....and not the 50-60 years that come after it. I do have sympathy for those stuck in loveless relationships, as it does seem they felt it a societal obligation to pair up.

Fukuyama

kunst nugget wrote: »

By your reckoning I've only two good years left before my marriage goes to crap. I can't see it happening. We've been through a lot in our time together and I love her now more than ever. I know she feels the same because we work at our relationship and don't take anything for granted. Just because people are together a long time doesn't mean they give up on caring for each other and are just counting down the days until the shuffle off this mortal coil.

What are you basing it on? The guys who are married who spend every weekend in the pub getting pissed in the pub complaining about their wives? They're hardly a good indicator of what a lot marriages are like.

Honestly I'd say it's probably about half and half when it comes to marriages. Half are good to great and half are meh to pure dirt. I got lucky I guess.

Totally agree. But I'd honestly say your guess is a little out. I'd say 50% of marriages appear happy and 50% not happy. What actually goes on behind closed doors is another matter.

A few drinks and the truth comes out. I've been shocked to hear some people vent about their home life when up until that point I had the impression they were happy out. I'm not talking about "she's nagging me to take out the wheelie bin" or some trivial ****. I mean REALLY divulge some deep seated thoughts about their life/relationship/situation that aren't little passing issues.

And then there's the couples where it's plain as day the flame has long since gone out. They become co-dependent while simultaneously resenting each other. Normally these are the guys who look you dead in the eye and say "Don't ever get married". They've long since given up on even the pretense of a happy home life.

[Deleted User]

Loneliness is such a powerful feeling that many people will do almost anything to escape it. It hits our core and makes us fearful of the future and growing old alone. I believe there are a lot of marriages out there which began because of loneliness. People settle for less all the time. I've come close to it myself. Having the closeness of another person and feeling like you are a part of something, being able to do things as a couple, all of that is very alluring. Even when you find yourself thinking that the grass is greener or what would it be like if you were with a different person, you still hold on. Of course there is also the huge weight that society places upon relationships and marriage. It is definitely seen as something we should strive towards.

Something I've noticed as a single woman is the amount of married men who have chatted up both myself and friends. Some were actively seeking something and others seemed to be just having a bit of a flirt. Maybe it means nothing or maybe it signifies a deeper level of unhappiness.

One of my worst fears is to marry a man and wake up five or ten years down the line full of regret and what ifs. So I'll take my chances with the odd bouts of loneliness and wait. This doesn't mean closing myself off, it just means taking my time and being a little discerning.

Dickie10

yes, it is definitly a disadvantage for guys living in villages or ruaral areas espically if they dont have the wherewithall to get into a big town or city for nightlife. i have a good social life outside of my village and am happy to play the fieldbut i see other guys just rotting away in rural areas afraid to change, they are still quite young but these are old bachelors in the making. it seems to really accelerate around 29-35 when their friends begin to pair off and get married. at weddings you tend to see the same faces at your singles table a lot!

i myself find i may have a fear of commitment, i rarely follow up on one or two night shifts, just beacuse when i want to finsh it after a moonth or two it will surely be harder. i party hard at weekends but mon-fri i am totally work focused. although if i met a girl i really fancied or perhaps better phrase lusted then that would change, unfortunatly i seem to give off a terrible vibe when im intersted in these girls as it dosent seem mutual. the ones i just dont have a thing for seem to be very interseted in me though. is it perhaps the friendly but dont really care attiitude i give to these girls that makes me more attractive or interesting to these women? maybe if i try this with the girls i really do like it might work!

howamidifferent

astonaidan

Deleted User wrote: »

Loneliness is such a powerful feeling that many people will do almost anything to escape it. It hits our core and makes us fearful of the future and growing old alone. I believe there are a lot of marriages out there which began because of loneliness. People settle for less all the time. I've come close to it myself. Having the closeness of another person and feeling like you are a part of something, being able to do things as a couple, all of that is very alluring. Even when you find yourself thinking that the grass is greener or what would it be like if you were with a different person, you still hold on. Of course there is also the huge weight that society places upon relationships and marriage. It is definitely seen as something we should strive towards.

Something I've noticed as a single woman is the amount of married men who have chatted up both myself and friends. Some were actively seeking something and others seemed to be just having a bit of a flirt. Maybe it means nothing or maybe it signifies a deeper level of unhappiness.

One of my worst fears is to marry a man and wake up five or ten years down the line full of regret and what ifs. So I'll take my chances with the odd bouts of loneliness and wait. This doesn't mean closing myself off, it just means taking my time and being a little discerning.

Speaking for myself, Im quiet a flirty guy, I mean nothing by it, its just the way I talk to girls, Ive always bullied my sisters and had fun with them, so this is how I talk to girls now but its all innocence

Faith+1

Fukuyama wrote: »

I guess it depends how long people have been married for.

The 15 year mark is normally when both people have aged quite a bit and have been off the market so long they wouldn't know where to start. So they just resign themselves to a "meh" marriage.

Sounds like my parents.

[Deleted User]

astonaidan wrote: »

Speaking for myself, Im quiet a flirty guy, I mean nothing by it, its just the way I talk to girls, Ive always bullied my sisters and had fun with them, so this is how I talk to girls now but its all innocence

Some did appear to be having a flirt but others actually suggested that we hook up.

Pawwed Rig

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Some did appear to be having a flirt but others actually suggested that we hook up.

Does that surprise you? Maybe it is age but I am aware of lots of long term/married couples who do not bother with fidelity anymore. Some marriages work some don't.

[Deleted User]

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Does that surprise you? Maybe it is age but I am aware of lots of long term/married couples who do not bother with fidelity anymore. Some marriages work some don't.

It did when I first noticed it. I was only in my early twenties then and had romantic notions that I certainly don't hold today. In more recent years I was still taken aback but not surprised. It saddens me a little though. Maybe it scares me a little too because I would really hate to have a marriage like that.

astonaidan

Deleted User wrote: »

Some did appear to be having a flirt but others actually suggested that we hook up.

Ah.... still who actually says lets hook up the hilarious.

mfceiling

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

Does that surprise you? Maybe it is age but I am aware of lots of long term/married couples who do not bother with fidelity anymore. Some marriages work some don't.

You have to wonder why these people bother getting married or do their vows mean anything? I was talking to a woman recently who travels a good bit with work and it's mostly men she travels with. She was telling me the men had no issue with heading off with prostitutes or chatting up girls in bars with one thing on their mind.
Why? Have they no respect for their partner?

I will have a bit of banter with any women I might meet but there would be no taking it any further. I met a girl one night on a lads night out but I made it clear I was happily married - and so was she. We had great value moaning about our busy lives and we had loads in common...but that was it. No taking it further or looking for tel numbers. I even had a good laugh with my own missus the next day about it.

If you want to play the field - stay single!!

Pawwed Rig

Easy to say but generally people go into marriages with good intentions but then years later things are very different.
It is difficult to walk away particularly as a man who may lose contact with children along with losing his home.

[Deleted User]

mfceiling wrote: »

If you want to play the field - stay single!!

Sometimes it is as simple as that. Perhaps one partner decides they want to sleep with someone else and they go and do it and that's the end of it. However In my experience I've found it to be more complicated. Wherever you have humans and relationships you will also have layers of complexity and many shades of grey.

For example sex may be absent but neither person is willing to address the issue and so one or both will stray. It can be the case that not all of the unfaithful partners needs are being met. They love their OH but something is niggling away in the back of their minds and they will seek what's missing in someone else.

Co-dependency can be present. Both partners know they have problems but are too scared to face them. They want a different life but at the same time have come to rely on the stability their relationship and each other gives them.

Now that is just my opinion on it and they are just some examples of infidelity not being black and white. I'm certainly open to any other opinions.

Irish_rat

I've been through a number of relationships over my life, I'm currently single for the last 5 months. For me there's advantages and disadvantages on both sides of the coin. I was in one that lasted 5 years and you can become nearly too reliant on the your partner in how you live your life. I found I was and nearly everything I did involved that person.

There will come a point where I want a serious relationship but not at the moment. I'm putting a few things before that. Education is one thing, I want to further my career. I am also in the process of buying my first home and that in itself can be a tiring and drawn out process. It's been my intention to run a marathon, I've done a good few 16 milers but injury has forced me back, twice! But it's a challenge!

If I was in a relationship I could do all those things. But the constant inconveniences of having to be somewhere when you know you could be doing something better! I'm sure many of you would agree.

howamidifferent

I've been separated from my wife for the past 3 1/2 years and I live alone.
However luckily we have a really great relationship and both focus our energies on looking out for our children. On several occasions over the past few years I've thought I might like to enter a new relationship but the very moment an opportunity presents itself I always stop and think and come to the realisation that I actually prefer being alone. As much as I would like a sexual relationship I am not willing to sacrifice my independance to gain it. The thought of returning to the "co-dependant" status of a relationship fills me with horror.
I have a good job with a good salary, receive a reasonable amount of female attention when I open myself up to it but I simply don't want to go back to being in a relationship again. It's not cynisism but I no longer hold the romantic notions I once did as another user has said above. The thought of the day to day interactions of being in a relationship I now find smothering to me.
So happy out in my singledom for the moment and foreseeable future.

Confucius say

howamidifferent wrote: »

It's not cynisism but I no longer hold the romantic notions I once did as another user has said above. The thought of the day to day interactions of being in a relationship I now find smothering to me.
So happy out in my singledom for the moment and foreseeable future.

Meet your brother. Day after day with the same woman. Not sure I can do it again unless I meet someone who just fits in seamlessly. I guess you can become cynical from being in bad relationships but I still think it's possible to meet someone where it feels natural and not a constant drain on yourself and each other!
The sex thing kind of sucks. Apart from the odd drunk ONS every once in a blue moon sex is non existent. I'm used to it by now though. Notions of having a family are fading now. Oh well, the world is overpopulated anyway

the evasion_kid

settling down is just not for some men,i had an uncle,quite an unusual character or social pariah or rather he rejected society,he'd dissapear off for days into the fields at the back of his house just him and his dog catching pheasants and rabbits and being amongst nature,you might see him sitting on a wall in the town with his dog beside him once in a while and then wouldnt see him for weeks,my father always said he was the best looking out of the seven brothers and was never short of female attention but just seemed impervious to their charms,very shrewd eyed man,i was fascinated by him and his lifestyle as a kid,the older i get im beginning to understand why he went that way.he died a few years ago and id say the dog lasted about a month after him.

blacklilly

stateofflux wrote: »

ive come to the conclusion that a fear of being alone drives this. no person will make you truly happy if cannot face yourself and fears. so people grab on desperately to anyone that validates them. this is compounded by social conditioning and time (or lack of).

I absolutely believe this to be the main reason for anyone to stay in an unhappy relationship/marriage.

I'm nearing the big 30:eek: and have been single for a number of years. During this time I've met so many men that are in relationships/engaged/married in social settings where they have "tried it on" and when questioned, they all say the same, "it's complicated, we've been together a long time, I'm not in love with her anymore" - needless to say I don't entertain their advances but it has left me very wary of getting involved with someone as these interactions have left a very bad taste in my mouth.

Wibbs

From the other side BL when I was in my 30's I heard similar from women, though in their cases they were nearly always looking for a way out of a current relationship rather than something like an affair. Never went anywhere near married women, though a couple were engaged and all but one ended up marrying the guy in question.

Mister Vain

I was with a married woman when I was in my mid 20's. It seems crazy now when I think about it. She got married young, probably rushed into it and was only staying with him for the sake of the child. Like that she was looking for a way out. Back then a woman with kids didn't really bother me but perhaps I was young and naive. I don't think I could do it now.

astonaidan

Wibbs wrote: »

From the other side BL when I was in my 30's I heard similar from women, though in their cases they were nearly always looking for a way out of a current relationship rather than something like an affair. Never went anywhere near married women, though a couple were engaged and all but one ended up marrying the guy in question.

Id be the same got a lot of attention from married women, work in hotel/bar where they were quiet aggressive tbh, its not just men who suggest to come for drinks upstairs, leave the key behind them, girls are just as notorious.
We actually had one guy who seriously must have slept with every woman over 60 who came into the place, we nearly started advertising him as a service

blacklilly

astonaidan wrote: »

Id be the same got a lot of attention from married women, work in hotel/bar where they were quiet aggressive tbh, its not just men who suggest to come for drinks upstairs, leave the key behind them, girls are just as notorious.
We actually had one guy who seriously must have slept with every woman over 60 who came into the place, we nearly started advertising him as a service

Yea I don't for one second think it's just a male thing, can only speak from my own experience but have of course heard many stories of women being the instigator.

H3llR4iser

I'd like to harp back to some very interesting discussion points made a while ago - sorry, I had lost contact with the thread!

beks101 wrote: »

All the same, asking someone out is always a bit of a bold move. It's always scary. But with practice less so. It's just really about having a bit of banter with someone and then "Fancy getting a drink sometime? It'd be cool to hang out more". With a colleague at a work do or a friend of a friend or whatever. Nothing creepy about that whatsoever.

As it often happens when I read your messages, I would agree 100%; However, one also has to come to grips with the fact that not everyone is that relaxed and open minded. Do something like the above with a work colleague who turns out not to be interested, and chances are things will sour up quite a bit. I had this happen to me, and saw it happen to a few other people. The "would you believe he had the nerve of asking me out?" discussions became a daily thing. There's always a factor of risk.

beks101 wrote: »

A friend of mine met her OH at an exercise group she had set up for a particular event she was training for. It just started as "I'm heading for a fifteen-miler around Richmond park tomorrow, are you up for it?" My fella went to a mutual colleague's leaving do and asked me if I fancied getting pizza during a ridiculous conversation about the 'best pizza in London'.

If you're socially engaged you're going to meet women, and then it's just about getting involved in conversations and being a bit cheeky at some point.

It would also be so nice if it wasn't that everyone was so self-absorbed and / or buried in their smartphones, which some other poster already pointed out. To the situation outlined above (people doing common activities which clearly have something to share), a lot of people will answer that they are there to "exercise, not to be chatted up!". You don't need to go far to find such attitudes - I've been going to gyms for years now, and one of the things that always strike me is how absurdly hard people try to ignore everybody around them.

ancapailldorcha wrote: »

This makes sense. I saw her there a fair few times and couldn't think of anything to say. In the end, I was running late and asked her if my bus had passed yet.

So wait - you asked "has the ## bus gone by?" and she just turned the other way? That sounds mildly insane, but I can't say I haven't seen similar things happening.

I wouldn't be the most sympathetic person out there, but just a few days ago I witnessed a scene that I could define disconcerting: outside the train station there was an old gentleman handing out leaflets (some local bar advertising). A lot of people just ignored him, but one lady in her early 30s really stood out - she reacted to him as if he was trying to hand her a syringe infected with HIV - she literally moved away from him, pure disdain on her face looking at him down her nose. The poor man just shrunk in his shoulders (I took the flyer). I've seen similar scenes a lot of times. Seriously, what the fcuk people, what the fcuk.

Confucius say

H3llR4iser wrote: »

I've been going to gyms for years now, and one of the things that always strike me is how absurdly hard people try to ignore everybody around them.

Same here. It's the last place I'd ever try and chat up a girl. It's kind of private time when you're at the gym, most people don't want to be disturbed.
Although Beks did say it was a run in a park, different circumstances I guess.