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Being at a Deathbed ?

fryup

Its something i'll be experiencing soon...so whats it like seeing a loved one as they near the end??

distressing? heartbreaking? comforting?

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Conor Bourke

Some information about the perceived "double effect" of morphine/opiates, if anyone is interested:

http://hospicecare.com/resources/ethical-issues/essays-and-articles-on-ethics-in-palliative-care/the-double-effect-of-pain-medication-separating-myth-from-reality/

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

My father was on morphine pump for the final 2 days of his life. If that meant he died a few days before he would have, comfortable and pain free, I could live with that more than if he'd lived a few more days in agony.

Wibbs

Have been at a few at this stage. Too effin many TBH. Was at one a few years back and then pretty much immediately afterwards ended up at a Boards beers of all things. That was a bit surreal.

I dunno how people who deal with it on a daily basis, actually deal with it. Those working in palliative care are unsung heroes as far as I'm concerned and it seems to attract the best too. I've had quite a few run ins and monumental fcuk ups with general medical care, but never once have I even heard of such a thing with the palliative folks.

Alf Veedersane

It's hard to know the most appropriate adjective. My mother was taken all too early with cancer and I was there for her last breath. I don't really know whether it's upsetting or comforting. I suppose after the fact you take comfort from it - you had the chance to say anything you wanted to say, you were there for them.

She deteriorated rather quickly and unexpectedly over the course of 48 hours and she was at home because of it.

The 'death rattle' is a sound I'll never forget.

But there was a modicum of comfort in the sky clearing that morning and the sun coming out for its first foray into visibility for quite some time.

When I think back, I focus on the fact I got to sit by her side and talk to her and tell her how much I love her and that's what's important.

fryup

Thanks everyone for all your feedback & comments

Its reassuring to know so many have experienced what i will soon experience...putting a brave face on it as this will be my first bereavement of a close relative and i honestly don't how i'll react when it comes to the time, my stomach is in knots thinking about it tbh

Alf Veedersane

fryup wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all your feedback & comments

Its reassuring to know so many have experienced what i will soon experience...putting a brave face on it as this will be my first bereavement of a close relative and i honestly don't how i'll react when it comes to the time, my stomach is in knots thinking about it tbh

You can't really prepare for it. You will just react how you react.

Take the positives out of it as best you can and good luck with it. My heart goes out to you.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Take care of yourself too fryup. Make sure you're eating. Make sure you're getting sleep. It's so easy not to bother with all that, but it's important that you keep yourself strong. Tell them everything you need to say, that you love them and not to be scared. It is an absolutely horrible time, but you being there will be most likely comforting to you in time.

opiniated

fryup wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all your feedback & comments

Its reassuring to know so many have experienced what i will soon experience...putting a brave face on it as this will be my first bereavement of a close relative and i honestly don't how i'll react when it comes to the time, my stomach is in knots thinking about it tbh

Don't worry about how you will react. There is no "right" or "wrong" way - there is just your feelings, those of the dying person, and the rest of the family.

Say whatever you feel you need to say to your loved one. Be there for them, and take care of yourself.
That's really all you can do.

We're all sympathising with your pain. Take care.

Conor Bourke

fryup wrote: »

Thanks everyone for all your feedback & comments

Its reassuring to know so many have experienced what i will soon experience...putting a brave face on it as this will be my first bereavement of a close relative and i honestly don't how i'll react when it comes to the time, my stomach is in knots thinking about it tbh

You don't have to put a brave face on, nobody is expecting you to just grin and bear this. If you need to cry, let it happen. But if you can't cry, that's okay too. There's no right way to do this, but all I can advise you is to try not to turn away from those around you. It's okay to lean on each other when you need to.

Take care.

wakka12

John_Rambo wrote: »

fryup, afterhours isn't the place for this, and we're all going to be in this place at some stage or another. I'm going to report your post and see if it can be moved to a more suitable place.

I hope your upcoming experience isn't to traumatic.

I have seen a lot of popular threads in after hours with similar themes.

Conor Bourke

wakka12 wrote: »

I have seen a lot of popular threads in after hours with similar themes.

Yep and it's great that we can talk about this here so openly. We need to talk more and more about death and dying to try and make it less frightening if at all possible.

DareGod

I was with my grandad when he died. I held his hand. I cried and his eyes were open and looking in my direction as he was slipping away. I don't know if he could see or hear me, but I have always regretted that the last thing he might have seen as he was passing away was me balling crying. I'll never stop regretting that.

Still, he was old, had had a relatively nice life, and it wasn't a horrible death, so I'm extremely grateful for that. The absolute hell so many people go through when their loved ones are dying, especially those dying before their time... very very sad.

Father Hernandez

DareGod wrote: »

I was with my grandad when he died. I held his hand. I cried and his eyes were open and looking in my direction as he was slipping away. I don't know if he could see or hear me, but I have always regretted that the last thing he might have seen as he was passing away was me balling crying. I'll never stop regretting that.

Still, he was old, had had a relatively nice life, and it wasn't a horrible death, so I'm extremely grateful for that. The absolute hell so many people go through when their loved ones are dying, especially those dying before their time... very very sad.

I wouldn't feel too down on yourself DareGod, I went through this with my Nana over the weekend who sadly passed away yesterday. There's no easy way to go. As you said, not sure if she could see or hear me but at least she knew, as did your Grandad that they were surrounded by family and loved ones in their final hours and that to me, would be peaceful and reassuring.

Tipperary Fairy

Being with my mam when she died has stayed with me ever since. It's an uncomfortable experience in ways but I think I would hate to not have been there.

She was diagnosed with bladder cancer two years previous. I was told two weeks before mothers day that she was not going to have any more treatment. I came home again for mothers day and went back to college. I was never told how long she had. I wasn't really kept in the loop about anything. Got a phone call around 7am Tuesday morning from dad telling me it was time to come home.

You know what's horrible, feeling like you should pack stuff, but not knowing if you should pack stuff for a funeral of a person who isn't dead yet.

I had to get a bus home, by myself, cried all the way to the station. I got to the house where there were twenty cars parked in the drive. At this point it occurred to me that I didn't know what to do. What way to be. What to expect.

I got a hug from my dad before I went to see her. First hug I think I ever got from him.

She was lying in bed, as she had been every time I saw her for the previous six months. Unconscious. I don't remember everything about the day. I do remember being annoyed that there were so many people in the house, some asking where stuff was so they could make sandwiches. I remember thinking 'please go fcuk yourselves' and get out of my house. I remember my granny's husband saying no one should have to lose their mother like this.

I remember the talk from a nurse that if the doctor hadn't ignored her 'kidney infections' for so long she almost definitely would not be dying, if she hadn't just repeatedly been put on antibiotics after antibiotics.

I remember the talk of waiting for my brother to arrive, so that she could 'let go'. I remember the absolute state he was in when he did arrive.

I remember the fear. Of leaving the room to go to the toilet. Of going back to the room for the return to reality. Of having her still be in the same state. Of her not being in the same state.

Me and my sister would make sure between us not to leave her alone.

I remember the regret that I got there when she was given so much morphine that she was unconscious and couldn't talk to her again. The feeling of relief too because I would have had no idea what to say or be like around someone who's dying.

I've read on boards, since, people's experiences of being around someone who knows they're terminally ill, and the majority of them seem to say that the person was making jokes, enjoying their time, talking about things etc. But that wasn't my mother. She was absolutely depressed for the final couple of months. Not that I blame her, just I always feel a sort of jealousy. Or maybe a regret that she couldn't be like that.

She had made a remark a few weeks previous that she'd like to go to the beach on a stormy day, before she died. She never did and I don't know why exactly.

The evening was really windy and dark. I remember looking outside and thinking how nice it was. Exactly the type of day she'd like, to be at the beach for. It had a real eerie feel to it.

For a while, as people eventually left, it was just me and my sister for a while. And my granny in and out. I held her hand for the final hour. (I don't really know how long it was, you kinda don't know of times) I could feel she was very warm, dad had done overkill with the heating. She started trying to get the heavy duvet off her, and I helped. I was surprised at her movement. I feel stupid now, but I remember at that point, and many others, thinking that she wasn't really dying at all, they've just drugged her up so much. And the movement kinda confirmed she was still in there.

Not long after, it was just granny, her sister,and me. I was holding her hand still, when she opened her eyes, sat right up and looked around the room. She sat back, closed her eyes and stopped breathing. I remember listening for the next breath. And breaking into a panic attack when it didn't happen.

People on these tv shows talk about rigor and going cold. I was still holding her hand and I could feel the warmth leave. And see her skin changing colour.

There was obviously commotion from us in the room, because suddenly everyone came in. I was in a full blown panic attack, or something similar, shaking and crying. My aunt came over and gave me a xanax and told me to go lie down. I did. Five minutes later (or something like that) I went back to the room. I actually expected someone to tell me she wasn't really dead.

I remember the next day, I had to go shopping to get something to wear for the funeral.... I hadn't packed anything. A surreal experience. My aunt made me do it. I wish I hadn't.

Whatever the day was, she was in the sitting room in the open casket. I couldn't go in. I am kind of starting to regret that now. Again we all understood not wanting to leave her alone so between me my brother and sister, we made sure one of us was there.

By the time it got to the funeral I was exhausted.

Traveling to cork for the cremation, that was an experience. That was almost as traumatic. You still associate the person with the body, and then you see the casket they're in being burnt right in front of you. It's not something I would choose to see.

A week later and I had to go back to college, two months left before final year exams.

Sorry for the essay. I guess take what you will from the experiences of the people here. There's no right thing to expect, to say, to do. I don't think there's any real preparing you can do.

W123-80's

david75 wrote: »

It's the MO for people dying seriously painful deaths like cancers etc.

Weirdly hush hush and ironic given how backward we are on the whole issue at the other end, meaning birth and all the complications around it. It's not assisted death officially but it sort of is.

My uncle passed away from cancer a few years back. He was the first of my mums siblings to pass away, being a very close family they all took to his little apartment in London for almost a month as he got closer to death.

My Mum still tells great stories of those few weeks, they laughed by his bedside, they cried, but most importantly they were all together.
They took it on turns to sleep in the apartment with him and over the course of 4 or 5 weeks he gradually got worse and worse.

The doctor arrived one day with what became known as 'the yellow pack'. A small bag, yellow in colour and left it by his bed. A cousin of ours who is a nurse in the UK informed the gang that this pack basically contained enough of some sort of drug to end my uncles suffering..when the time was right.

Our family have a pretty dark sense of humour.

Instead of being distraught at the thoughts of this 'yellow pack', my other uncle, in his full health piped up; 'Whoever is the next of our lot to kick the bucket will be keeping a close eye out for that yellow pack when ye lot arrive around the bed..':pac:

The contents of the bag which was never really explained or questioned was eventually administered and my uncle passed away very peacefully shortly after.

opiniated

hogey143 wrote: »

I wouldn't feel too down on yourself DareGod, I went through this with my Nana over the weekend who sadly passed away yesterday. There's no easy way to go. As you said, not sure if she could see or hear me but at least she knew, as did your Grandad that they were surrounded by family and loved ones in their final hours and that to me, would be peaceful and reassuring.

Sorry for your loss, Hogey143.
Take care of yourself now, you've done all you can for your Nana.
Don't be afraid to cry, and to talk about how you feel - it helps!

DareGod

hogey143 wrote: »

I wouldn't feel too down on yourself DareGod, I went through this with my Nana over the weekend who sadly passed away yesterday. There's no easy way to go. As you said, not sure if she could see or hear me but at least she knew, as did your Grandad that they were surrounded by family and loved ones in their final hours and that to me, would be peaceful and reassuring.

Sorry for your loss, hogey. Look after yourself.

RebelButtMunch

Been there twice. It's really ****e seeing a loved one go but I definitely don't regret being there and holding their hand.

For me it just seemed their breaths got shorter and shorter and further and further apart until the next one never came. That moment when you realise there are no more breaths is crap and unfair.

Karmella

For me the most distressing thing was to watch my mother just completely lose the will to live. I was living abroad at the time and had come home for the October bank holiday. She had been admitted to hospital barely a week before, she'd had a mild stroke after her 3rd dose of chemo. Even though I'd seen her 3 weeks previously I could barely recognise her. She was skeletal, in terrible pain and by the Sunday she was raving in the bed - pleading with us all to get her out of there. So they called in the palliative care team and they set her up with the morphine. She was peaceful at last. She passed on the Tuesday morning and only my eldest brother was in the room with her - my dad and I were on the way but just missed her. For a long time my dad wasn't able to reconcile signing the palliative consent, as she never woke after, but for me it was a no brainer for her to be at peace.

philstar

For anyone facing an impending death of a love one here's a step by step guide to the dying process....

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/preparing_for.html

Conor Bourke

philstar wrote: »

For anyone facing an impending death of a love one here's a step by step guide to the dying process....

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/preparing_for.html

That is an excellent piece. It's clear, concise, accurate and uncomplicated. Everybody should read this!

witchgirl26

RoadhouseBlues wrote: »

Was in the hospice with my mother. We were all there. It was fairly calm. Although we thought she was gone, and then it seemed like ages after, she took another breath and then she was gone. With my father before though. He wanted to stay at home, so he had a nurse come out every night. I will never forget. The last night, I called down to his room, and I was telling him that the cats were calling outside. He loved the cats. I got up to go to the bathroom. I was gone about 2 mins, and when I got back he was gone. I have never got over that, and prob never will. I wish I was there with him. I'm sure he knows though...

Don't beat yourself up over this. I know my mam had a similar thing with my Granny. She was with her for 6 months before the end & my Granny died in the 5 minutes my mam was in the kitchen one morning. One thing that was said to us at the time was that maybe she wanted her final minutes alone & went then because of it.

I was there when my Dad passed & surreal is the only way to describe it. He'd been sick for a long time & we were expecting it but nothing prepares you for it. That said, he died with a smile on his face so he was obviously at peace & that's all I could ask for.

OP like others have said, there is no right or wrong way to react or deal with it. I hope it is as easy as it can be.

LorMal

LexieOnRale wrote: »

Twice for me.
1st time was panic and disbelief. I believed in my heart and soul that they wouldn't pass away, that they'd bounce back and get better. And I believed that right up until we were rushed out so they could start resus. While waiting, I was sure they'd come back out to tell us she was fine and to go back in to be with her.
That's obviously not what happened. But it was very surreal. Didn't really believe it.

2nd time was horrific. They'd been sick for months but really really really sick for 3 months. They were fighting a horrific disease and it literally picked them apart before it took him.
In the nights leading up to it, he was coming in and going out of consciousness, he'd go from being aware I was there and being angry telling me to go home, to gripping my hand so hard his knuckles turned white. He knew he was dying and I believe he didn't want me to see that because he thought I wouldn't be able to cope with it. He fought so hard and a couple of nights before he passed away, I took his hand and told him it was okay for him to let go, that we would be okay, he was amazing and he didn't have to keep fighting. Broke my heart telling him such lies but I think he needed to hear it.
When he passed away it was awful. Part of me was so relieved, he was so sick it wasn't fair on him he didn't deserve that and I was glad he was at peace and not in pain. Part of me was so guilty for feeling relieved, but watching someone so weak fight for every last breath they took, desperate to hold on was awful.

I hope it's somewhere I never have to be ever again.

Lexie, I am so sorry - what a sad, sad experience.

opiniated

philstar wrote: »

For anyone facing an impending death of a love one here's a step by step guide to the dying process....

http://www.hospicenet.org/html/preparing_for.html

Thank you. My sister has had incurable bone cancer for some time, now. I received word this morning that it is now terminal, and that treatment from now on will consist of pain relief, only.

It's strange. I've been expecting this for two years now, and I thought I was prepared. I'm not! I'm crying like a baby! But, I'll get through it. There is no choice in the matter - which sucks!

RoadhouseBlues

I don't want to annoy or upset anyone with this post, but I remember thinking when my father was laid out, and then later my mother, that I had never seen anything so still and not moving. I mean I know it sounds completely stupid even as I'm typing this, but it really is so much different than seeing someone sleeping. It really is like a shell with the important part gone. Once again I mean that with respect.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

RoadhouseBlues wrote: »

I don't want to annoy or upset anyone with this post, but I remember thinking when my father was laid out, and then later my mother, that I had never seen anything so still and not moving. I mean I know it sounds completely stupid even as I'm typing this, but it really is so much different than seeing someone sleeping. It really is like a shell with the important part gone. Once again I mean that with respect.

It's strange isn't it? You expect them to wake up, or turn, or crack a smile. And although they're still, and not smiling they somehow look at peace, or at least they look like the pain has left their face.

What shocked me was how cold he was. How it was like kissing a statue. Just before they closed the coffin I kissed him goodbye and he was freezing, I got such a fright. I remember a tear falling on him and he was so hard it just rolled off him. Like I obviously knew dead people were cold and hard but when I actually experienced it I got such a fright.

RoadhouseBlues

It definitely is strange alright. I know for me, my father didn't look like himself at all in the coffin. And my mother looked years younger. I will say to anyone who has to go through it yet though, that it might not hit you for a long time afterwards. Then you might be in the house one day, and you just take into a good cry. And whether you are a man, woman or child, there is nothing wrong with crying. And don't let anyone tell you any different. Also, for me witnessing the act of dying got me thinking that it is a special part of the whole cycle. You won't understand now, and maybe someone can explain it better, but it will open your mind a bit and get you thinking about a range of different things.

Ronald Wilson Reagan

Go out and win one for the Gipper.

Father Hernandez

opiniated wrote: »

Sorry for your loss, Hogey143.
Take care of yourself now, you've done all you can for your Nana.
Don't be afraid to cry, and to talk about how you feel - it helps!

DareGod wrote: »

Sorry for your loss, hogey. Look after yourself.

Many thanks folks..

Laois_Man

Been thru it already with both parents in the space of less than 5 years. I was only 22 the first time which is younger than most people will go thru it even once, never mind with both parents. I am not a religious person. Wasn't then; and still not now But I found both experiences gave me a religious belief that I had never had before. Loads of stuff happened both at the moments of death and over the following period. It was strange but in a good way.