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Child Item

No children at wedding drama [READ POST #1 FIRST - MOD]

theoldbreed

Hi all,
So my wedding is in April. I sent out save the dates in October and formal invites in January. There are no children invited, this includes teens as well. The reason being our numbers are big enough as is.
It was my OH's stag last night and his brother decided to bring up the fact that his daughter is disgusted she isn't invited, she's 16. He said he and his wife are also disgusted. He stayed locally for his stag so I picked four of them up at four in the morning to drop them home to various places.
Firstly I felt it wasn't the right time to discuss it. I said I appreciate how you feel but nobody's kids are invited. Secondly he said well isn't your OH's daughter going and she's a teenager, well of course she is, she's his daughter. She is also allowed to bring a friend to the party so she won't be on her own. She doesn't have a lot of friends so we knew who she would bring. A wee girl who is quite a tomboy so he started to say oh and her little lesbian friend.
He said he and his wife aren't coming and said we can have our wedding in 'county' I'm from a different county.
It got really heated and by the time we got to the first drop off I asked him to please get out of my car. He said gladly and slammed door and continued to mock through the window.
Look I know alcohol was involved and it was like five hours but I am furious.
Nobody's kids are invited, my OH's daughter is different. Surely this is our decision. In all the years we have been together I have met her a handful of times, she has never been at our house to visit and also my OH's daughter and her do not get along. My OH was upset but he was drunk too.
I'm sitting here now after little sleep feeling a mixture of anger and oh I don't even know. It wasn't done maliciously. I feel bad for asking him to leave my car but I wasn't going to listen to that nonsense at that hour when I'd picked them up and gone out of my way to drive around. I left him at another brother's house so he was grand. I also don't know him very well, we've met a few times but I've always found him to be standoffish.
I feel he probably won't come now.

Mod Warning:

Posters please be advised that there are a number of mod warnings on this thread; Post #123 (quoted below) and Post #228.

Toots wrote: »

Right, against my better judgement, I'm re-opening this thread with the following conditions:

1. Posters keep it civil.
2. There is no further discussion on costs of attending/costs of meals/cost of gifts.

There will be zero tolerance for hostile/confrontational style posting here, cards and bans will handed out. I'd ask all posters to re-read the Charter before posting.

kyogger, you are not to post in this thread again. It's pretty clear that the Weddings forum is not the place for you; if you post in this thread again you will be banned from the forum.

I'll also add - no soapboxing, ie repeating the same thing over and over again. Also if you see a post which is problematic, use the 'Report' function, please don't respond on thread.

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CaraMay

But given the fact that the bil got blind drunk at the stag would lead me to believe he will get blind drunk at the wedding.

The bride wants it adults only so people can get blind drunk if they want.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

Toots

Toots wrote: »

Let's try and get back on topic please.

Last warning before I lock this.

esforum

I shall chip in a little on this.

On the one hand its your party and its your decision who goes and who doesnt however you have basically said "We value our own child but not yours" when stating a 16 year old cannot attend even though another 2 already are. Or put it another way, from the nieces point of view, theres a random stranger being invited to a wedding thats shes not and the reason she is not allowed is her age despite being the same age as the random stranger (random stranger being the daughters friend).

That leads me to point nnumber 2, why invite a friend to entertain your partners daughter when she could have had cousins her own age in attendance?

Now point number three, the brother may be that, your partners brother but his daughter is his daughter. children will always win in a test of loyalty.

As for every other comment about babysitters, drinking or not, are these adults being invited to the wedding or monkeys? I am an adult and I am fully capable of deciding if A, I want to get a babysitter and get **** faced or B, Bring my children and not be a drunken fool.

Thats disregarding the fact that babysitters will need to be organised as a result of the no kids part. I assume all responsible adults will be at the wedding? So who does your brother in law get to babysit overnight? Not everyone has an assortment of options in that regards.

If someone has an adults only wedding, thats their choice but you need to accept a certain amount of people will not attend as a result. Then inviting some kids and not others? No sorry, thats being insulting (and 16 aint exactly a child either). A friend is invited but a niece not? Cmon, how can that not be insulting? Imagine it in any other context, we only invited kids to a kids party, no adults. Except granny, and grannies friend to amuse granny

esforum

Deleted User wrote: »

I had no kids at my wedding- nothing to do with the issue of them being around alcohol, I just can't stand children. I go out of my way not to be around them in general so why would I have them at the day I scrimpted and saved for?

But that's beside the point, what the brother in law said about the young girl and her friend was despicable, what kind of adult talks about teenage girls like that? I hope he cops on to himself and grows the hell up for your wedding OP

but the OP is having 2 kids (one a non relative) at the wedding. Lets get this straight, this wedding is not a no-kids wedding. Its a selective-kids wedding

CaraMay

The bil didn't invited the child to his wedding! The 2 cousins don't get along. There are 2 good reasons for not bringing her.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

eviltwin

esforum wrote: »

but the OP is having 2 kids (one a non relative) at the wedding. Lets get this straight, this wedding is not a no-kids wedding. Its a selective-kids wedding

She's the groom's daughter, if that doesn't give her a pass what does?

c montgomery

amdublin wrote: »

Yeah for me there are some big family days that are great for the kids - the lovely summer afternoon parties. Or even the day part of a wedding. And then there are the big family nights that are not appropriate for children - the 40th birthday parties, the wedding nights where everyone is partying and drinking (as they are entitled to!)

You wouldn't bring a child into a hen party in a pub, why bring to a wedding party in a hotel?

Ps. I think it is "cold" or selfish and irresponsible to squeeze children into adult events. Would you bring your child to an engagement party in a pub? (you actually are not allowed to by law - and it's for good reason)

No I'd bring then to the wedding and dinner part and arrange for them to be picked up at about 7.
There included in the day and home before the "adult" part of the evening.

Malari

esforum wrote: »

but the OP is having 2 kids (one a non relative) at the wedding. Lets get this straight, this wedding is not a no-kids wedding. Its a selective-kids wedding

So what if it is? We had a selective kids wedding. Everyone has a selective adults wedding so why would you give all the kids you know or none an invite?

One eyed Jack

esforum wrote: »

but the OP is having 2 kids (one a non relative) at the wedding. Lets get this straight, this wedding is not a no-kids wedding. Its a selective-kids wedding

It's none of her future brother-in-laws business how many children the OP and her future husband have at their wedding. They could have a small orphanage there and it would still be none of his business. He should be grateful he's even still being invited to attend their wedding at all tbh. If he were my brother in law I'd be letting him go swing.

TG1

esforum wrote: »

but the OP is having 2 kids (one a non relative) at the wedding. Lets get this straight, this wedding is not a no-kids wedding. Its a selective-kids wedding

The op is having her husband to be's daughter and a plus one at the wedding. It's not like its two random kids!

I don't really see the kids at the wedding thing as the issue in all this though, it's the behaviour of the op's future brother in law that I would see as a problem. He is creating needles drama and lashing out as his brothers fiance while drunk. That is the not ok bit of all this!

glen25

One eyed Jack wrote: »

It's none of her future brother-in-laws business how many children the OP and her future husband have at their wedding. They could have a small orphanage there and it would still be none of his business. He should be grateful he's even still being invited to attend their wedding at all tbh. If he were my brother in law I'd be letting him go swing.

Totally agree with this poster. It's THEIR day & they can invite whoever they want regardless of age or connection

We are getting married next year and have decided no under 18's. There are a lots of neices, nephews & cousins on both sides that fall into this category so we're doing a clean sweep and it's adults only. Nobody gets hard by (relative to others!) and we get to have adults only at the wedding. It's our decision at the end of the day.

Atomic Pineapple

esforum wrote: »

from the nieces point of view, theres a random stranger being invited to a wedding thats shes not and the reason she is not allowed is her age despite being the same age as the random stranger (random stranger being the daughters friend).

Her age isn't the reason she is not being invited, she's not being invited because the bride and groom are limiting invitations to children to cut down on numbers and save money, pretty reasonable reason.

esforum wrote: »

That leads me to point nnumber 2, why invite a friend to entertain your partners daughter when she could have had cousins her own age in attendance?

Friendship is far more valuable than family because you can choose your friends. Saying a cousin should be the daughters plus one (or cousins are a suitable replacement) doesn't make sense to me.

[Deleted User]

esforum wrote: »

but the OP is having 2 kids (one a non relative) at the wedding. Lets get this straight, this wedding is not a no-kids wedding. Its a selective-kids wedding

So bloody what?? If she is paying for it she has every right to be selective. She has decided to have a no 'other' kids wedding with the exception of her stepdaughter and her stepdaughters friend

If that annoys sensitive mummies than thats not her problem

Shop40

Personally I can understand why the brother was miffed (although I don't agree with his expression of it).
I got married back in 08, didn't have much money and worried about the numbers, but our nieces and nephews were invited as it was an important family occasion. They really didn't cost much extra, a few chicken & chips dinners!
Nevermind friends' kids, I don't think anyone can expect them to be invited…but excluding your siblings' children I think is a little petty.

Atomic Pineapple

Shop40 wrote: »

t excluding your siblings' children I think is a little petty.

It's no more petty than siblings expecting their children to be invited against the bride and grooms wishes.

It's like saying most of the people going will believe in god so even though you don't believe in god you should have a religious ceremony because that will keep everyone happier at the expense of your own happiness. Crazy logic, just crazy.

c montgomery

Atomic Pineapple wrote: »

It's no more petty than siblings expecting their children to be invited against the bride and grooms wishes.

It's like saying most of the people going will believe in god so even though you don't believe in god you should have a religious ceremony because that will keep everyone happier at the expense of your own happiness. Crazy logic, just crazy.

No it's just nice to include the family on an occasion when your are welcoming someone new into the family.
Each to their own.

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

martingriff

When we were kids and my parents got an invitation it had there 2 names so only they went they never once thought they have invited the kids do. It the did it would say & family

c montgomery

Patww79 wrote: »

All families are different.

Exactly, each to their own.

Atomic Pineapple

c montgomery wrote: »

Each to their own.

Indeed and I think it's important the desires of the couple getting married are the highest priority and respected by all, it will be one of the biggest days in their life.

esforum

eviltwin wrote: »

She's the groom's daughter, if that doesn't give her a pass what does?

and the mate? Are we selectively ignoring the complete non relative thats been invited?

TG1

esforum wrote: »

and the mate? Are we selectively ignoring the complete non relative thats been invited?

Its a plus one on a wedding invite, if she was bringing a boyfriend would it be an issue?

retro:electro

esforum wrote: »

and the mate? Are we selectively ignoring the complete non relative thats been invited?

I'm sure there will be a lot of plus ones attending that the bride and groom may not know. Why single out the child's friend? Apart from the bride and groom, I'd say his daughter is the next best important person there on that day.

esforum

Deleted User wrote: »

So bloody what?? If she is paying for it she has every right to be selective. She has decided to have a no 'other' kids wedding with the exception of her stepdaughter and her stepdaughters friend

If that annoys sensitive mummies than thats not her problem

Its not mummies, its her soon to be niece FFS!

and if thats how you feel for future relatives, god help christmas when you invite everyone over but tell nieces and nephews to **** off.

I said at the start they can invite who they want but ya know, theres things called being nice, being civil, having regards for your family and yes, nieces and nephews are family (unlike the teenagers friend).

The niece if correctly in my opinion, offended and as the father of said child, he is backing his daughter in this family row.

Its their right to invite who they want

Its the brothers right to tell them to shove it

esforum

TG1 wrote: »

Its a plus one on a wedding invite, if she was bringing a boyfriend would it be an issue?

Its not though so theres no point in throwing that in.

anna080 wrote: »

I'm sure there will be a lot of plus ones attending that the bride and groom may not know. Why single out the child's friend? Apart from the bride and groom, I'd say his daughter is the next best important person there on that day.

You havent grasped the whole purpose of this thread. Its about kids invites, not strangers.

TG1

esforum wrote: »

Its not though so theres no point in throwing that in.

But its the same thing, it's the grooms daughter being invited, which to be fair would be pretty poor form for her not to be, and getting a plus one of her choice, as most of the invited guests will get.

A niece being invited is a different matter altogether and the brother in law should not have tried to suggest that as his brothers daughter was invited to her dad's wedding his own daughter should be. The plus one is irrelevant.

retro:electro

esforum wrote: »

Its not though so theres no point in throwing that in.

You havent grasped the whole purpose of this thread. Its about kids invites, not strangers.

Am yes I have actually. And I was responding to your post about the kid's friend. So you're kind of contradicting yourself there.