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Child Item

The problem of childhood trauma

whatismyname

A bit of a heavy topic, but bear with me

I shared this video over on the depression thread a few days back, but thought it was worth a share more generally, as it applies to much more than just people with depression.

Well worth a watch.

Basically in her Ted Talk, Liz Mullinar is looking at the impact of childhood trauma.

That a large percentage of people with serious mental illness experienced childhood trauma. But that we aren't been encouraged to talk about childhood trauma, that we aren't encouraged to heal from it.

That much work is done in suicide prevention, yet despite so many of those who attempt suicide having experienced childhood trauma, do we see any any suicide prevention programmes encouraging people to talk about what happened to them as children?

The video cover more than that but a key focus of it is to get us talking more about the issue of childhood trauma and the impact of it.

Not sure what others think of it, but I'm definitely inclined to agree with the message of the video.

Childhood trauma can be lots of things. Yes sexual abuse, but also childhood neglect, physical abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholic parent etc, and these things do have an impact.

Lots on here will have experienced some of these issues and been impacted. I know I have. I've often had the message of 'it's in the past, put it to one side, and just get on with your life'. From lay people, but from mental health professionals too. But it's not that simple. It impacted on me, and I want to deal with it.

Not everyone will be the same. Some who've experienced childhood trauma will want to just bury it in the past, find themselves able to put it to one side and just get on with their lives, and that's god. But if, like me, you need to deal with it, that's ok too. If you have been affected, and know you need to heal from the effects, and want to do so, it's ok.

More generally I wish we had a society where people felt more able to talk about childhood trauma. It happens in all walks of life, and we'll know many who have been affected. That people felt more able to say 'yeah I had a sh1t childhood, and it really affected me'. That it was more ok to say that.

But many will be ashamed of what has happened to them. There shouldn't be shame.

It's a very difficult subject to face, but I do think that if we could all be a bit more open to talking about childhood trauma that things would be a bit better all round.

I've been on a few different threads at different points on here where people talked about their childhood abuse, and 'met' fantastic survivors. It's remarkable the things people experience and live with. But if that's you, it's ok to be affected and to acknowledge it, and to heal from it. And excuse my cheesiness but I think you're amazing for every day that you live with that you've experienced.

I hope this is ok to share and I hope that the post / video helps a few

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Fleawuss

I've gone off these TED talks as it seems you get a certain stamp of authority by being miked up, doing a Steve Jobs on it, throw in a few paradoxes and a bit of counter intuitive stuff and well, Teds your uncle.

So I'm not going to look at it. What you wrote I like: there are things that happen to us and don't want to go away but what has helped me is deciding that I can reinvent myself. It's silly but Madonna gave me the idea. Things happened to one version of me and I have to find a way to deal with them to become a new me. And above all, acceptance. There's no rewind on life but there is moving forward. And you're right, talking about it has to be "allowed" because there is no perfect childhood, only different versions of imperfect.

whatismyname

Fleawuss wrote: »

I've gone off these TED talks as it seems you get a certain stamp of authority by being miked up, doing a Steve Jobs on it, throw in a few paradoxes and a bit of counter intuitive stuff and well, Teds your uncle.

So I'm not going to look at it. What you wrote I like: there are things that happen to us and don't want to go away but what has helped me is deciding that I can reinvent myself. It's silly but Madonna gave me the idea. Things happened to one version of me and I have to find a way to deal with them to become a new me. And above all, acceptance. There's no rewind on life but there is moving forward. And you're right, talking about it has to be "allowed" because there is no perfect childhood, only different versions of imperfect.

Can see what you mean about Ted Talks. This one speaks volumes to me hence sharing, but can completely see where you are coming from.

And I like the idea of different versions of imperfect.

Spanish Eyes

I know someone in their late 60s now who is still traumatised by the way he was treated as a kid by his father and schoolmasters. Not sexually abused but verbally and physically and emotionally. Very badly by the sounds of it.

He is from the country, and anyone he has spoken to of his own vintage from his childhood days recount similar. I don't know, was the male parent/teacher frustrated or full of power or what.

It is awful to listen to, imagine nearly 60 years later it is still there and traumatising. I don't know what to do except listen, because all the perpetrators are dead now. I cannot imagine.

Still, the instinct in me is to say "move on", but I don't. I really don't know what to say really. It is horrible the things that were described.

whatismyname

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

I know someone in their late 60s now who is still traumatised by the way he was treated as a kid by his father and schoolmasters. Not sexually abused but verbally and physically and emotionally. Very badly by the sounds of it.

He is from the country, and anyone he has spoken to of his own vintage from his childhood days recount similar. I don't know, was the male parent/teacher frustrated or full of power or what.

It is awful to listen to, imagine nearly 60 years later it is still there and traumatising. I don't know what to do except listen, because all the perpetrators are dead now. I cannot imagine.

Still, the instinct in me is to say "move on", but I don't. I really don't know what to say really. It is horrible the things that were described.

In terms of not knowing what to do except listening, never underestimate quite what a difference that can make.

Although instinct can be to say 'move on', I know you will know that it's not that easy, and that its' hard to know what to say, but seriously you may just be making the world of difference through being there for him.

Spanish Eyes

whatismyname wrote: »

In terms of not knowing what to do except listening, never underestimate quite what a difference that can make.

Although instinct can be to say 'move on', I know you will know that it's not that easy, and that its' hard to know what to say, but seriously you may just be making the world of difference through being there for him.

Thanks for that. This person is very dear to me. I just don't think he will ever get over it, and I can't help much. What is the answer?

He went to counselling but it didn't help him at all sadly. He says he felt he would be better off talking to the trees in the field.

Still, as you say, I can listen. That's all I can do, but I wish I could do more. The person is suffering from severe depression too. Surprise, surprise. Being treated chemically. But the side effects are not good.

It is a terrible thing to be mistreated and traumatised as a little innocent child.

PLL

As a victim of neglect, physical, mental and emotional abuse by my mother I can shed light on the difficulties people close to me have in understanding and relating.
My MIL was sexually abused by her uncle and talks about her husband and children (one of which is my fiancé) having what she calls a 'priviledged' childhood because they just don't get how years upon years later childhood trauma still affects you.

My dad had a drink problem when I was younger he nearly died when I was 4 and his brother and best friend was an alcoholic and depressed and committed suicide whilst my dad was very Ill for months in hospital - so my dad was very messed up and brought me to pubs with him when he looked after me (parents spilt when I was 3.

My fiancé finds it hard to understand why I can forgive my dad but not my mom. I haven't spoken to her since the day I left 6 years ago, I see my dad once a month and although I'm not very emotionally close to him, we both struggle with talking about our problems, he is very good to me in the sense he helps me in a very dad kind of way e.g. bringing me coal and oil :-)

The reason for speaking to my dad and not my mom despite both being bad parents (which my dad will tell you himself, my mom thinks she is amazing,I personally think she has some sort of psychological superior disorder) is simply this. My dad never did anything to intentionally hurt me. Ever. He always encouraged me, would cry and tell me how sorry he was for being a bad dad, he is lovely man with issues he never resolved and drank them away instead. He isn't as bad now, lives a normal life, generally drinks normally with the odd binge when his feeling down. My mother's actions I can't even begin to describe. Lets put it this way, I'm a mother Now to a 4 year old girl, and when I go to check on her before I go to sleep. Sometimes I stare at her and then go sit on my bed and sob that my mother didn't protect me in the way I would protect my daughter. No amount of councillors will make me understand that. All those moments in my childhood where I yearned for love and support I cannot wait to be there for my daughter, I cannot wait for her to feel I'll always be there. I never want her to know this pain. No child should ever have to know this pain.

Sorry for the long story there,I just don't very often get the chance to explain the story to people who might understand. I honestly think everyone I tell thinks I'm exaggarating because they cannot comprehend how what I'm saying could be true.

Would like to hear some other stories if anyone else would like to share or email if you would like. Feel free to PM.

eviltwin

The impact of childhood trauma can be huge. It's much harder to overcome than adult trauma because it can completely affect your development. I suffered trauma as a child and I'm doing okay but in many ways I'm like a broken cup that's been repaired. I will never be the way I should be although I function well enough. Therapy helps but nothing can undo that kind of damage.

pickarooney

I don't know if talking actually achieves anything itself. It's probably just my personality but talking about a problem and not finding a way to 'fix' it frustrates the hell out of me and even more so when someone tells me about a problem that I can do nothing to solve.

I'd be more inclined to believe that reinventing yourself or taking control of the rest of your life is the way to heal rather than wallowing in the past.

I don't mean to sound callous; I just have a practical mindset I suppose.

whatismyname

eviltwin wrote: »

The impact of childhood trauma can be huge. It's much harder to overcome than adult trauma because it can completely affect your development.

Absolutely agree. Which makes it so hard when people are just saying 'oh just put it in the past', 'just don't think about it etc'.

Regardless of whether you're even consciously thinking about it, it can still have affected your development in a really big way.

whatismyname

pickarooney wrote: »

I don't know if talking actually achieves anything itself. It's probably just my personality but talking about a problem and not finding a way to 'fix' it frustrates the hell out of me and even more so when someone tells me about a problem that I can do nothing to solve.

I'd be more inclined to believe that reinventing yourself or taking control of the rest of your life is the way to heal rather than wallowing in the past.

I don't mean to sound callous; I just have a practical mindset I suppose.

Yep, I'm definitely not suggesting wallowing in the past, something very different.

Not just talking about it for the sake of it, and talking about the facts of it, but processing the emotions and pain behind it, and resolving some of that pain so it decreases and has less of an impact on your life.

Because for many they can reinvent themselves all they like but that pain will still be there, affecting them, it doesn't just go away through reinvention.

Everyone's different though of course. Reinvention may work for some, but for many others the pain needs to be worked through and processed in order to heal from it in whatever way they can.

pickarooney

I'd be really need interested to understand the process of working through the trauma. How do you avoid triggering the anxiety, doubt and fear and kicking off a new cycle?

whatismyname

PLL wrote: »

Sorry for the long story there,I just don't very often get the chance to explain the story to people who might understand. I honestly think everyone I tell thinks I'm exaggarating because they cannot comprehend how what I'm saying could be true.

Hey PLL, I can empathise with a lot of what you wrote there, particularly the pain of your mother failing to protect you.

I hope it helped a little to share. Oh and I believe you, and that you are not exaggerating.

Joey Jo-Jo Junior

I was fairly stoic about my childhood up until recently when the memories started getting a little overwhelming. I've been thinking of therapy but I'm a little nervous about it. No one knows the worst of it and it would be my first time talking about it.

I can't even move on because I'm still living some of it.

eviltwin wrote: »

in many ways I'm like a broken cup that's been repaired. I will never be the way I should be although I function well enough.

That's exactly how I feel.

whatismyname

Joey Jo-Jo Junior wrote: »

I was fairly stoic about my childhood up until recently when the memories started getting a little overwhelming. I've been thinking of therapy but I'm a little nervous about it. No one knows the worst of it and it would be my first time talking about it.

I can't even move on because I'm still living some of it.

That's exactly how I feel.

That sounds really difficult Joey. And regards therapy I think one of the really difficult things is that only you can know whether you're ready to go to there etc. It's very natural to be nervous about it though, and I hope that you are able to figure out the best decision for you.

Memories being overwhelming can be very hard. I hope that you are able to pull back from them somewhat when needed, and that they get a little easier to deal witih.

caille

Great post, OP, and great comments above. All I can add is that I have tried so many different things to forget stuff that happened to me and in the end, the ONLY thing that has worked for me has been to accept it happened and try my hardest to be happy.

Looking after myself, physically, emotionally and mentally has been key to me trying too move on. I say 'trying' because I have accepted long ago that I will never be completely ok, but I am a lot lot better than I used to be. All anyone can ever do for someone is just be there for them and listen. My husband is great, that way, he just listens and never says, move on. He does say, that is past, you are good here right now, with me, and I know he is right.

whatismyname

caille wrote: »

Great post, OP, and great comments above. All I can add is that I have tried so many different things to forget stuff that happened to me and in the end, the ONLY thing that has worked for me has been to accept it happened and try my hardest to be happy.

I think that sounds like a very sensbile approach Caille.

caille wrote: »

Looking after myself, physically, emotionally and mentally has been key to me trying too move on. I say 'trying' because I have accepted long ago that I will never be completely ok, but I am a lot lot better than I used to be. All anyone can ever do for someone is just be there for them and listen. My husband is great, that way, he just listens and never says, move on. He does say, that is past, you are good here right now, with me, and I know he is right.

Your husband sounds like a gem. I'm glad you have him

ceadaoin.

Early childhood trauma and neglect, especially as an infant, actually affects how the brain develops. For many of these people it's not possible to just let it go and move on and live a normal life, they are already at a severe disadvantage and it takes a lot of work to come back from that.

Even 'lower level' abuse leaves deep emotional scars. It's terrible, I can't fathom how anyone could treat children that way.

eviltwin

For me what helps is owning what happened, accepting its part of me but not letting it define me. I've been lucky enough to use my past as a way of helping others in my work and that gives me some kind of satisfaction that the hurt has been used to create healing. I'd definitely recommend therapy or even just peer support. Be the solution, not the problem.

mohawk

PLL wrote: »

As a victim of neglect, physical, mental and emotional abuse by my mother I can shed light on the difficulties people close to me have in understanding and relating.

Would like to hear some other stories if anyone else would like to share or email if you would like. Feel free to PM.

I could have written some of that post myself. I found after having my son my attitude completely hardened towards her. Now I cannot fathom how she never once tried to protect me when I needed her. She was a single mother with me and then went on to have my siblings with a violent drunk. I do worry about my sister who is a very, very angry person. I try to be there for her but we aren't as close as we could have been. Sometimes when you grow up in a dysfunctional clusterfcuk you find you need to look after yourself and don't have the emotional energy to leave look after others.

I haven't really spoken with others about it. No one really wants to hear it and so eith work colleagues etc you tell white lies or gloss over questions. Like when people say oh your son is the only Grandchild he must be spoiled. I end up saying yeah sure instead of no actually he has only met her twice in his 6 years. Cos who likes awkwardness.

Which leads me to the biggest consequence of having a childhood such as mine. Opening up to people and letting them know the real me. When your own mother doesn't love you It can make you feel that you don't deserve love.

Very good friend spent a fortune on counselling for her own crap told me the biggest thing that helped her was to imagine a meeting between yourself now and your child self. What would you say and do? - It's not your fault and a hug.
It was a real turning point for me.

whatismyname

For anyone who struggles with flashbacks / overwhelming memories etc, there's a good guide to grounding at https://www.e-tmf.org/downloads/Grounding_Techniques.pdf

Anyone else got any good resources worth sharing?

caille

Yes, I have used Paul McKenna's Havening technique, its on DVD to buy or can be downloaded. He developed it as a result of dealing with survivors of war who were suffering extreme PTSD and then realised that it could also be used by survivors of most traumas. He argues that the effect on the body and mind of such traumas is so deep and engrained that something hypnotic like the Havening technique (which you do on yourself) changes brain chemistry and the brains perception of traumatic events so that in the end, while they still exist, they don't have the same effect on you. I have used it, it needs to be kept up (once a week once the initial programme is done) and it has greatly helped me. It's like you can view the traumas through the long end of a stetoscope, they seem more distant and far away, like their effect is muted.

Hope this might help someone, I got the DVD as part of one of his books.

whatismyname

caille wrote: »

Yes, I have used Paul McKenna's Havening technique, its on DVD to buy or can be downloaded. He developed it as a result of dealing with survivors of war who were suffering extreme PTSD and then realised that it could also be used by survivors of most traumas. He argues that the effect on the body and mind of such traumas is so deep and engrained that something hypnotic like the Havening technique (which you do on yourself) changes brain chemistry and the brains perception of traumatic events so that in the end, while they still exist, they don't have the same effect on you. I have used it, it needs to be kept up (once a week once the initial programme is done) and it has greatly helped me. It's like you can view the traumas through the long end of a stetoscope, they seem more distant and far away, like their effect is muted.

Hope this might help someone, I got the DVD as part of one of his books.

Thanks Caille. .I don't really have any professional support right now, so focusing on self-help stuff, and this sounds worth checking out, cheers.

caille

You're welcome, mind yourself (and I mean that literally as in eating well, sleeping, taking joy in small things) :-)

HalloweenJack

Personally, I've just accepted what happened to me and I've moved beyond it. I refuse to let it define me.

It used to trouble me for a long time as I didn't understand what had happened and I don't remember the exact events clearly. This lead to me doubting if that stuff really happened, maybe I was making it up for attnetion. I convinced myself that if it had happened to me, I would remember it vividly as it would have been so traumatic but still I felt anxious about it as it's an issue that really upset me.

However, having listened to other people's stories and as I've grown to understand myself better, I've realised that my instincts were right and that my anxiety was there for a reason. I know it happened to me. I may not remember the exact details, and I don't particularly want to, but I'm certain it happened.

Realising that actually made me more relaxed, it removed all the doubt. I'm not confused anymore, I'm not angry, I don't want pity, I just want to live my life.

I've accepted it, it wasn't my fault, there's nothing I could have done about it and, most importantly for me, I won't let it define who I am. I don't want people to see me as a victim, I want people to see me as me. The trauma isn't who I am, it's just one of millions of experiences that's made me the person I am.

That's how I've responded and dealt with it.

madmaggie

Do parents realise the long term harm they do? I say I am who I am not because of my parents, but despite them. Both my parents despised each other, and each saw in me part of the other person. I know now that this was their problem, not mine. It takes a long time to find your true self, but it can be done.

RoadhouseBlues

Both my parents are gone now. Never really got over one. But the other I don't miss at all. That may seem horrible to some people but its a fact. There are a few of us in the family. Me being the youngest. For me it was emotional rubbish growing up. For the others it was beatings. I think I got away with the physical because I was the youngest. I don't know really. I often do ask some of them was it a mental issue with parent that was doing it. Cos they seemed to go out of their way to do it. It was very strange. I can absolutely tell you though, that we are all messed up in our own way. I'm sure though there are other families who had it worse than us too.

R.D. aka MR.D

It's great to talk about it and put it out there. I've always advocated telling people that my father is an alcoholic because especially here in Ireland, so many people have been through the same thing but are ashamed to just say it.

Unfortunately, an alcoholic father is the least of my past. My mother is mentally ill and it really resonates with me when the posters above talk about how they can't imagine how their mother could let that happen to them.

Anyways, in the past 5-6 years years, I've made great leaps and bounds in dealing with the legacy of my past.

Something that I think is key is accepting that you will never have a good childhood. Feeling sorry for yourself is pointless.

Secondly, once you are 18, you are an adult. Everything you do is a choice. Having an abusive childhood is a reason but not an excuse for destructive behaviour. You are the one responsible for taking your life down a positive path and you definitely have a choice if you are going to carry that on to another child and damage them.

Next, life isn't fair. There is no point in being angry. Play the hand you're dealt.

Overall, for me the word 'choice' looms the largest. I didn't choose to be born. I didn't choose to be in an abusive environment. I have choices now. I'm always going to be at a disadvantage from people who had a supportive, loving background so the choices I need to make have to be positive ones.

It's the number one message that I would give to a 16/17 year old dealing with a difficult situation. Choose to rise above it. Even if you have a few false starts because you don;t have support or any idea what normal is, keep trying.

pheasant tail

whatismyname wrote: »

For anyone who struggles with flashbacks / overwhelming memories etc, there's a good guide to grounding at https://www.e-tmf.org/downloads/Grounding_Techniques.pdf

Anyone else got any good resources worth sharing?

I found that EMDR treatment definetly helped me a bit, it's about processing memories in your mind, I'd post a link to it but I'm on the phone. But as someone mentioned earlier, you really just have to accept it and look forward. Radically Accept it. I had no control when I was a child and can't change what happened. But id like to think I am in control now and learning to change my future, even if it's not the path I would have taken if circumstances had been different at such a crucial young age

Azalea

It's awful that so many people even on this thread alone have had traumatic childhoods. I hate that there are so many adults out there who let children close to them suffer.

[Deleted User]

PLL wrote: »

As a victim of neglect, physical, mental and emotional abuse by my mother I can shed light on the difficulties people close to me have in understanding and relating.
My MIL was sexually abused by her uncle and talks about her husband and children (one of which is my fiancé) having what she calls a 'priviledged' childhood because they just don't get how years upon years later childhood trauma still affects you.

My dad had a drink problem when I was younger he nearly died when I was 4 and his brother and best friend was an alcoholic and depressed and committed suicide whilst my dad was very Ill for months in hospital - so my dad was very messed up and brought me to pubs with him when he looked after me (parents spilt when I was 3.

My fiancé finds it hard to understand why I can forgive my dad but not my mom. I haven't spoken to her since the day I left 6 years ago, I see my dad once a month and although I'm not very emotionally close to him, we both struggle with talking about our problems, he is very good to me in the sense he helps me in a very dad kind of way e.g. bringing me coal and oil :-)

The reason for speaking to my dad and not my mom despite both being bad parents (which my dad will tell you himself, my mom thinks she is amazing,I personally think she has some sort of psychological superior disorder) is simply this. My dad never did anything to intentionally hurt me. Ever. He always encouraged me, would cry and tell me how sorry he was for being a bad dad, he is lovely man with issues he never resolved and drank them away instead. He isn't as bad now, lives a normal life, generally drinks normally with the odd binge when his feeling down. My mother's actions I can't even begin to describe. Lets put it this way, I'm a mother Now to a 4 year old girl, and when I go to check on her before I go to sleep. Sometimes I stare at her and then go sit on my bed and sob that my mother didn't protect me in the way I would protect my daughter. No amount of councillors will make me understand that. All those moments in my childhood where I yearned for love and support I cannot wait to be there for my daughter, I cannot wait for her to feel I'll always be there. I never want her to know this pain. No child should ever have to know this pain.

Sorry for the long story there,I just don't very often get the chance to explain the story to people who might understand. I honestly think everyone I tell thinks I'm exaggarating because they cannot comprehend how what I'm saying could be true.

Would like to hear some other stories if anyone else would like to share or email if you would like. Feel free to PM.

I think you are being very hard on your mother. Maybe you need counselling.
You are basically blaming your mother for being a ' bad' mother but totally excusing your father, even though he was a ' bad' parent too.
He is excused because he's a drinker.
How hard did your mother have it?
I'm not saying blame your dad, but maybe you could try to understand your mothers problems more.