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Child Item

Anyone regret having kids?

Realist2

so this one time on midday on tv3 a few years ago this topic came up and they discussed it and debated it and people rang in anonymously and left Voice messages, i couldn't believe the responses, so negative, i remember a oldish enough woman said never do it as she had kids and they grew up always fighting with eachother and giving her grief all her life. anyone share these kind of views?

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boobar

Surprised it hasn't been said yet....

....Yore Ma!

NIMAN

When you have kids you have to accept that your life is going to change completely. Your freedom is gone until they get to the age when they can look after themselves, your social life is non-existent, you don't ever sleep right again, the list goes on.

But if you can't accept these terms, then it's best not to start a family. I work with a couple of people who have had 1 child each and said there's definitely no more coming as 'they still want to have their nights on the beer, play golf, go on weekends away'. To me, this is an incredibly selfish attitude to have. I have 3 young kids and I can live without nights on the sauce or holidays as long as they are happy. Their wellbeing is more important than my social life.

Menas

We left it late to have kids but I am glad we did. Would have been too imature in my 20s to have children and would have missed a lot of partying and travelling. Not to mention that we did not have the financial security we do now.
But on the flipside, it is hardwork at times which would be easier to handle if we were in our 20s.

the_monkey

He drives me nuts, he can be a nightmare to deal with (he's 3) but the positives far outweigh the negatives.

As one poster said - whats really regrettable is the state of the world we leave for them - depressing really.

Chris_Bradley

I've had 4.....

Still pinching myself at how lucky I've been. Anyone who any regret for having children would want to take a long,hard look at themselves - you don't know how lucky you are really.

Gongoozler

NIMAN wrote: »

When you have kids you have to accept that your life is going to change completely. Your freedom is gone until they get to the age when they can look after themselves, your social life is non-existent, you don't ever sleep right again, the list goes on.

But if you can't accept these terms, then it's best not to start a family. I work with a couple of people who have had 1 child each and said there's definitely no more coming as 'they still want to have their nights on the beer, play golf, go on weekends away'. To me, this is an incredibly selfish attitude to have. I have 3 young kids and I can live without nights on the sauce or holidays as long as they are happy. Their wellbeing is more important than my social life.

How is it affecting the child they do have to not have any more?
I think it's a very responsible attitude to have. Nobody should have a child for any reason other than wanting to.

The Corinthian

NIMAN wrote: »

But if you can't accept these terms, then it's best not to start a family. I work with a couple of people who have had 1 child each and said there's definitely no more coming as 'they still want to have their nights on the beer, play golf, go on weekends away'. To me, this is an incredibly selfish attitude to have. I have 3 young kids and I can live without nights on the sauce or holidays as long as they are happy. Their wellbeing is more important than my social life.

So it's selfish only to decide to have only one child?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk

Akrasia

There are bound to be people out there who regret having kids because it's a major decision and people will always wonder what would life have been like if they had made different choices.

Also, having children isn't always a conscious choice. There are plenty of parents out there who would have aborted the pregnancy if they had the choice to do so and while many of these people will embrace parenthood and love their children, others will see the kid as a burden and something that cost them other opportunities

Me personally, I love being a father. It's completely taken over my life, but I think it's for the better. I know that when I had the freedom to do anything I wanted (more or less) I squandered my time and it didn't really make me happy, but watching my kids grow up and develop as people with their own ideas and personalities and talents and skills is just so rewarding

It's absolutely the right choice for me. I gained so much and it is worth the opportunity cost and hardships that come with parenting, but not everyone is the same. The burden is not shared equally amongst the parents either. Women have to sacrifice a lot more than men for biological and cultural reasons. An athlete who becomes a father can still win an olympic gold medal the day after his first child is born. The mother would lose perhaps her only ever chance to compete in the Olympics

[Deleted User]

Regretting having children is completely pointless and a waste of time and energy you cant give them back. I don't regret having mine at all and I would not consider myself very maternal my children have grown up to be lovely people. I am glad I hade them when I was young though.

I found the teen years with one of them very difficult I though I was going mad at one stage with the carry on and the worries,

the_monkey

The Corinthian wrote: »

So it's selfish only to decide to have only one child?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUspLVStPbk

I would say it's selfish to have more then 2 ...

Can't believe in Ireland the amount of people that just keep having kids ... 3,4,5 kids is so common.

such irresponsibility.

sadie06

Do I regret having my children? Absolutely not! Do I regularly (at least once a week) fantasise about faking my own death, disappearing to a place where nobody can find me and living out my years in solitude? Of course! :-)

That's life. You can't have it both ways, and the difficulties of parenting ebb and flow. My two are going through a hellish phase of sniping at each other non-stop. My quick-witted 8 year old has figured out she can outsmart my bright but pondering 11 year old and it's causing a lot of strife. I honestly had it easier a couple of years ago when they were both less independent but the dynamic between them was a lot better.

When we hit a high note though (playing cards when camping…laughing our heads off at seeing our ugly-naked-guy neighbour…singing in the car) we are a unit and it's a beautiful thing. It just doesn't feel like that 24/7, but I never thought it would. Perhaps the ones that regret having children had wildly unrealistic expectations.

I do know of a father who has not taken to parenting at all, and is 100% hands off apart from his obsession with taking amazing photos of every milestone and cute moment. His worn-out wife feels that the photos portray what he thought parenting would be like…basically all the good parts.

Rubberlegs

I don't know what it's like to have the freedom of being child free, as I had my first child young. No one to blame but ourselves

. I was still living at home at the time, and moved out when she was 18 months. I don't regret my kids, but sometimes I wish I had left it longer. When I was my eldest girls age now, she was two. I love seeing her doing things for herself, having nights out with friends, and going off on holidays. I don't have a clue what it's like to do that kind of stuff! I suppose you can't miss what you never had, but I definitely wonder what it would be like. Given the choice though, it's no contest, I'd still have the life I have.

Caovyn Lineah

I don't regret having my kids, of course not. They are my life.

What I do regret however, is who I had my first child with. I now hate her with every ounce of my being.

candy-gal1

Most definitly I would say that their are people who do regret having kids, I wouldnt say its right or wrong just the way the person feels!

Imho its usually from either having them too early in their life or being pressured into it in some way or by people, I can understand that as I know going by a lot of people medically having kids at a young age like 20s is better than waiting till your a bit more mature, know what you want, have had a lot of experiences and starting a family in your 30s if you want kids!

Most people who regret their kids will never or rarely say it, because as its been said here, Its done and your stuck now, having kids is one of the few things in life you cant take back, well I dont think you can anyway!

Im 28 and im not hugely pished on having or not having kids, Id like to think Id have one healthy baby at some point, moreso for the reason to give my parents a grandkid and to pass on my genes in some way - just on the offchance I dont live forever

:D , But Id like to have a better reason than those when the time comes for me to have kids, but well see!

Ive never looked on 20s for having kids at all, but as Ive heard from a lot of my friends , from about mid 20s and up its the norm for having kids, news to me as I always thought would be mid 30s or so, just would seem better for the adult imho

Pumpkinseeds

NIMAN wrote: »

You are one sick parent to say honestly you wish you'd never had kids.

Why? Are people supposed to hide how they feel because society frowns on it? That's not healthy. It's one thing to admit to regretting being a parent privately or anonymously online and quite another to say it to a child. I really hate judgemental holier than thou attitudes.

mikom

Realist2 wrote: »

Anyone regret having kids?

Gary Glitter, probably.

[Deleted User]

73Cat wrote: »

I don't know what it's like to have the freedom of being child free, as I had my first child young. No one to blame but ourselves . I was still living at home at the time, and moved out when she was 18 months. I don't regret my kids, but sometimes I wish I had left it longer. When I was my eldest girls age now, she was two. I love seeing her doing things for herself, having nights out with friends, and going off on holidays. I don't have a clue what it's like to do that kind of stuff! I suppose you can't miss what you never had, but I definitely wonder what it would be like. Given the choice though, it's no contest, I'd still have the life I have.

Well I preferred having the freedom and money in my forties and fifties than in my twenties but each to their own, I know some one in their fifties who is dealing with a 16year old teen horror and they don't have the psychical and mental energy to deal with it, not all teenagers are a horror one of mine never gave a moment bother as a teen and one was a nightmare so you never know.

Sleepy

If my life had gone "to plan" I probably wouldn't be a dad yet. I often fantasize about the travelling I'd like to have done, the money I could have made had I been free to emigrate and of a life without the pressures of being a parent and breadwinner.

There are days when I'd have to think long and hard about it but, if given the chance to go back in time to the choice that lead me on this path, I'd still take the same road. As a younger man I quietly scoffed at a cousin when we were discussing the fact that raising a child costs as much as a super-car when he said that the feeling of that little hand in yours as you walked down the street was worth more than any Ferrari. With the benefit of experience though, he was right: it is.

Rubberlegs

mariaalice wrote: »

Well I preferred having the freedom and money in my forties and fifties than in my twenties but each to their own, I know some one in their fifties who is dealing with a 16year old teen horror and they don't have the psychical and mental energy to deal with it, not all teenagers are a horror one of mine never gave a moment bother as a teen and one was a nightmare so you never know.

I am not having freedom in my 40s either, my youngest is 3:):) I was definitely way more able for the sleepless nights and early mornings in my 20s!! Beyond moodiness the eldest was no hassle as a teen, and my 15 yr old is the same. Knowing my luck I'll end up with a wild teen in my 50s !

kinsy

Don't really understand the people who have kids but say they cannot understand or believe the people who regret having them. Just because you don't doesn't mean anyone or everyone else feels the same. As for saying they don't know how lucky they are, maybe they don't feel that way... it's quite damning and dismissive of people who are being brutally honest about something that is such a taboo.
I would have less sympathy for the people who have kids without giving it any thought (because there are so so many people who do this) and then regret it, but what about people who agonise over the decision and then have the kids but then regret it?
I'm 30 and have been with my partner for years but I am still no closer to making a decision about kids. I'm about 70:30 against the idea but not at a definite place. There are so many reasons for it. What if I am a bad parent? What about financial stability? My own parents are very stressed out, quite neurotic people and I have inherited a lot of this. I don't want to pass this on to my children. What about the fact the world is in quite a bad place? I see my sister with 2 kids and she's always tired, stressed and worrying about money even though she has a well paid job. What actual reasons would I have for having children other than it is the social norm, because I want to experience what this new stage of life is like. I do understand the bond and love is unlike others but I don't know what it is now so I'm not missing it or dying to experience it.

Who knows what the reasons for regrets about kids are but I really can't believe that people don't understand it's possible- and that it doesn't necessarily make that person evil or the worst person in the world.

[Deleted User]

To be honest if you have children and regret it or have mixed feeling about parenthood you are better off being honest about it despite the taboo you will be a better parent without the guilt I am not suggesting you tell the children you regret having them but honesty with yourself.

Chemical Byrne

Having children is something that causes me a lot of worry. I'm almost 29 and I definitely do want to have children and my current gf and I have discussed it and it's something we both want.
My big worry tho is the loss of freedom and spontaneity that will result meaning I probably won't be able to travel or do adventurous things.
And these are things I want to do and should have done in my 20's. My 20s are now drawing to a close and tbh, I feel that I squandered them in a dead end relationship and didn't do any proper travel or anything that could be described as interesting and fun whereas my gf has seen the world with her pals. I wasted myself in my 20s and I am racked with regret over it.

I want to have house and children sorted before I'm 35 but conflicting with that I want to squeeze all the things I should have done in my 20s into the next few years also. I feel I will be under massive mental and financial pressure to get all of this done. My gf tells me not to worry myself over it and that because I am embarking on those things now, I will appreciate the value of it much more.

Back to children, I do want them but I feel I'd be compromising on other things I want by doing so. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation of sorts. My only third option would be to make enough money to afford a good reliable nanny to take care of things if we were to go on a decent holiday. Fat chance of that!

I would be happy with 1 child but I recognise that it is nice for them to have a sibling so I could deal with 2. I draw the line there - people with 4 or 5 children must be off their rockers. Having that many would age a person by 20 years I'd imagine! I cannot fathom why people would choose to have that many. Do they not value their own selves?

Sleepy

Chemical Byrne, you're 29, not 39. Very little stopping you saving like a demon for a year or two, taking a year off to travel the world (which could be anything from the usual piss-up in Thailand - Australia & New Zealand or a $15 a day cycle to Tokyo) and you'd still have three years to get the deposit together before buying a house.

It's definitely easier to save a deposit before you've got kids but it's not impossible to do it after either. I'm still renting and plenty of friends are in the same boat too.

It's just priorities really. Assuming your girlfriend is roughly the same age as yourself, 35 is probably a good aim for when to have your kids so if that's something you definitely want, it becomes a quesion of priorities: in the next 6 years would you rather sate the wanderlust and travel or get the house sorted and leave the travels til your 50's/60's? I'd lean towards trying to do a bit of both: travel cheaply for a year* and spend the rest of the time saving so that when the time comes, you'd have the deposit for a home or at least a good start made on one.

This AMA is from a guy who travels on about $15 a day: http://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/3ay40s/ive_visited_125_countries_on_a_15_a_day_budget_ama/ You could manage a year with a bit more comfort than his extreme style for about 10k or so. Not insane money in the slightest.

zeffabelli

I know someone who claims to regret not having had abortions. I find it hard to believe, but that probably has to do with my not wanting to believe it rather than any truth in her statement.

Ultimately, this is a deeply personal question, and no one is going to answer it, and I am suspicious of why one would post something like this to an anonymous audience.

Chemical Byrne

I get you Sleepy, I'm not talking about a year or 2 out travel tho, just a few weeks here and there doing adventurous things. I'm not into the usual piss up scene, I want to do stuff that is unique and memorable, out of the way kind of thing. Like visit North Korea with one of those specialist tour operators for example is something I've liked to do.

i know I'm still relatively young but tbh, I do feel as if I'm against the clock on this one to a degree. If I could talk to my 22 or 23 yr old self I'd have told me to get my f*cking act together and start living life instead of drifting along tinkering and working stupid jobs on the summers between college terms.

I'm just feeling I'm going to have to squeeze 2 decades into one.

R.D. aka MR.D

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

people with 4 or 5 children must be off their rockers. Having that many would age a person by 20 years I'd imagine! I cannot fathom why people would choose to have that many. Do they not value their own selves?

Some people really love kids. My brother for example has two, one on the way and wants two more. They have a big house in the country and are really happy.

I on the other hand am staunchly childfree and have been my whole life. My OH and I are happy to be DINKs.

Different strokes for different folks!

mikom

Chemical Byrne wrote: »

Having children is something that causes me a lot of worry. I'm almost 29 and I definitely do want to have children and my current gf and I have discussed it and it's something we both want.
My big worry tho is the loss of freedom and spontaneity that will result meaning I probably won't be able to travel or do adventurous things.
And these are things I want to do and should have done in my 20's. My 20s are now drawing to a close and tbh, I feel that I squandered them in a dead end relationship and didn't do any proper travel or anything that could be described as interesting and fun whereas my gf has seen the world with her pals. I wasted myself in my 20s and I am racked with regret over it.

I want to have house and children sorted before I'm 35 but conflicting with that I want to squeeze all the things I should have done in my 20s into the next few years also. I feel I will be under massive mental and financial pressure to get all of this done. My gf tells me not to worry myself over it and that because I am embarking on those things now, I will appreciate the value of it much more.

Back to children, I do want them but I feel I'd be compromising on other things I want by doing so. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation of sorts. My only third option would be to make enough money to afford a good reliable nanny to take care of things if we were to go on a decent holiday. Fat chance of that!

I would be happy with 1 child but I recognise that it is nice for them to have a sibling so I could deal with 2. I draw the line there - people with 4 or 5 children must be off their rockers. Having that many would age a person by 20 years I'd imagine! I cannot fathom why people would choose to have that many. Do they not value their own selves?

I read this in a Woody Allen voice.
Makes the post ten times better.

cobham

Sobering book /film by Lionel Shriver
"We need to talk about Kevin"

ash23

I have regrets about how and with whom I had my child. I would have to seriously think about if I was taken back to that time, would I change it or not. I'd definitely change things about it but if that meant not having her at all, I probably wouldn't change anything.

My OH has a child also and we've both decided for various and individually personal reasons that neither of us want more children. We were both young having them so we are now looking forward to our 40s and 50s when they are grown up and we can start to travel etc and do the things we missed out on in our 20s.

Overall I have regrets but I don't regret having my child.

QuinDixie

You would not be human if you sometimes did not regret having children, anyone who says they have never felt some regrets is a fibber.