The power of empathy

Empathy is like emotional intelligence. Some have it, some don't.

Think of a bullying person, me me me. Zero emotional intelligence.

I suppose it's the same thing.

Life is so much easier if you understand and empathise with others.

But not everyone is wired that way. Hence the lack of both empathy and emotional intelligence in many people.

Cold War Kid

Ah I don't think empathy is something you either have or don't.

People can empathise about different things due to different experiences.

Cold War Kid wrote: »

Ah I don't think empathy is something you either have or don't.

People can empathise about different things due to different experiences.

There are SOME who have zero empathy believe me, I have encountered them in my life and career. Doesn't matter who or what happens around them, zero.

But they would probably be called psychopaths or narcissists, if we are to be honest. No empathy, and manipulation to the nth degree.

I actually would like to kill them. But I would always empathise with their psychological problems and desist

nathang20

I understood when I was cycling the other day, why a female motorist stopped in a bus lane. I understood she had needs. I realised that opening her drivers door, just as I was attempting to continue existing with my life and overtaking, that she felt obliged in trying to convince me and a Bus Eireann driver why she would endanger a human life. She responded by "he should be watching where he's fookin going". Being the male of the species, it will always be my fault! I realised then that It was my fault! that timing was down to sheer seconds! to understand where she was coming from. I'm purely human....and God forbid we argue to a stronger force! I forced this poor misfortunate to stop in the bus lane and yet, use her ever reach of a drivers door across a public highway! Shame on me!

When the Sun Hits

No. I lack emotion in general - compassion and empathy being two of them. I was told it is related to depression, but at this point it is a significant part of who I am as a person, not merely a symptom. I have no interest in manipulation or causing harm to anyone. I just follow social norms and logic as much as possible in order to do what I think is right. In the past, my lack of empathy has definitely gotten me into trouble though. Introspectively, it's quite difficult for me to relate to the negative emotion a lot of people express. Tragic news stories, horrendous events from around the world, videos of people being massacred etc etc. don't cause any reaction in me whatsoever. Obviously, I understand that they are terrible things.

I watched one of those terrorist beheading video's with a friend of mine last year and he told me that the gurgling noises the man made while his neck bled out as he died in agony would stay with him forever. To me, this seemed like a very odd reaction for a person to have from watching a video. Recently, two or three people I know were quite upset (as in crying etc. etc.) at the death of their Grandparents. I found that utterly mind boggling. Of course, mourning at the death of a loved one is not uncommon, and considered to be normal behavior, I know that. But the way it affected them, the emotion they had, it was all alien to me and I found it very puzzling. And, yes. I have experienced the death of a relative more than once.

Regarding the whole "it depends on what you have or have not experienced" argument, this makes no difference to me personally. However, I would agree that it is the case for many people I know. This double standard, intentional or not, is incredibly annoying.

Saralee4

Whenthesunhits, since you don't feel empathy for others, do you feel that you deserve it? I'm just curious like would you be hurt if a partner cheated on you? Or say someone was badmouthing you? Or say you were sick for 3 weeks and noone asked if you were ok but could clearly see you were in pain. Would you feel sad for your self in that kind of situation?

When the Sun Hits

You'll have to put up with the quotation marks as I have limited privileges being a new user.

Saralee4 wrote: »

Whenthesunhits, since you don't feel empathy for others, do you feel that you deserve it?

Can that question really be applied in this case? Someone will feel empathy for someone or they won't. Whether or not they were deserving of it is not a factor. If I had to give an answer - I don't really care. I do think everyone deserves respect though, but empathy is not the same thing as respect.

Personally, if someone doesn't have empathy for me, does it really effect me in any way? I don't think it does.

"I'm just curious like would you be hurt if a partner cheated on you?"

I'd be irritated if a partner cheated on me. I have never had strong feelings for anyone I've been with, so I don't think I'd be hurt. Maybe if I had strong feelings for the person I would.

"Or say someone was badmouthing you?"

Obviously, nobody wants to hear that they've been badmouthed. But if it didn't effect me to a great degree socially/professionally/academically then I probably wouldn't care. If the badmouthing was "lies" that could significantly damage my reputation then perhaps I'd seek legal action.

"Or say you were sick for 3 weeks and noone asked if you were ok but could clearly see you were in pain. Would you feel sad for your self in that kind of situation?"

I'd be totally shocked if that was to occur, but it wouldn't cause me a great deal of sadness if I'm completely honest.

Cold War Kid wrote: »

Ah I don't think empathy is something you either have or don't.

People can empathise about different things due to different experiences.

I think there is a difference between the empathy that comes from personal experience and that which just comes naturally. There are people who would have personal beliefs but who are able to put them to one side to emphasise with someone who is their opposite. That is hard to do and I really admire those who can be there for someone else without personal feelings getting in the way.

When the Sun Hits wrote: »

No. I lack emotion in general - compassion and empathy being two of them. I was told it is related to depression, but at this point it is a significant part of who I am as a person, not merely a symptom. I have no interest in manipulation or causing harm to anyone. I just follow social norms and logic as much as possible in order to do what I think is right. In the past, my lack of empathy has definitely gotten me into trouble though. Introspectively, it's quite difficult for me to relate to the negative emotion a lot of people express. Tragic news stories, horrendous events from around the world, videos of people being massacred etc etc. don't cause any reaction in me whatsoever. Obviously, I understand that they are terrible things.

I watched one of those terrorist beheading video's with a friend of mine last year and he told me that the gurgling noises the man made while his neck bled out as he died in agony would stay with him forever. To me, this seemed like a very odd reaction for a person to have from watching a video. Recently, two or three people I know were quite upset (as in crying etc. etc.) at the death of their Grandparents. I found that utterly mind boggling. Of course, mourning at the death of a loved one is not uncommon, and considered to be normal behavior, I know that. But the way it affected them, the emotion they had, it was all alien to me and I found it very puzzling. And, yes. I have experienced the death of a relative more than once.

Regarding the whole "it depends on what you have or have not experienced" argument, this makes no difference to me personally. However, I would agree that it is the case for many people I know. This double standard, intentional or not, is incredibly annoying.

Do you have Aspergers by any chance?

whatismyname

eviltwin wrote: »

I think there is a difference between the empathy that comes from personal experience and that which just comes naturally. There are people who would have personal beliefs but who are able to put them to one side to emphasise with someone who is their opposite. That is hard to do and I really admire those who can be there for someone else without personal feelings getting in the way.

Based on past experience I'd like to think this is something I can do, but at the same time expect that there's some situations I'd find impossible to do that, being only human after all.

whatismyname

eviltwin wrote: »

I think there is a difference between the empathy that comes from personal experience and that which just comes naturally. There are people who would have personal beliefs but who are able to put them to one side to emphasise with someone who is their opposite. That is hard to do and I really admire those who can be there for someone else without personal feelings getting in the way.

Based on past experience I'd like to think this is something I can do, but at the same time expect that there's some situations I'd find impossible to do that, being only human after all.

Saralee4

When the Sun Hits wrote: »

You'll have to put up with the quotation marks as I have limited privileges being a new user.

Can that question really be applied in this case? Someone will feel empathy for someone or they won't. Whether or not they were deserving of it is not a factor. If I had to give an answer - I don't really care. I do think everyone deserves respect though, but empathy is not the same thing as respect.

Personally, if someone doesn't have empathy for me, does it really effect me in any way? I don't think it does.

"I'm just curious like would you be hurt if a partner cheated on you?"

I'd be irritated if a partner cheated on me. I have never had strong feelings for anyone I've been with, so I don't think I'd be hurt. Maybe if I had strong feelings for the person I would.

"Or say someone was badmouthing you?"

Obviously, nobody wants to hear that they've been badmouthed. But if it didn't effect me to a great degree socially/professionally/academically then I probably wouldn't care. If the badmouthing was "lies" that could significantly damage my reputation then perhaps I'd seek legal action.

"Or say you were sick for 3 weeks and noone asked if you were ok but could clearly see you were in pain. Would you feel sad for your self in that kind of situation?"

I'd be totally shocked if that was to occur, but it wouldn't cause me a great deal of sadness if I'm completely honest.

Yes I think the question does apply. I think that you will feel empathy regardless of whether the person is deserving or not but the question is more, does the person who does not feel empathy or give it to others expect it from others, that which they are not prepared to give back.

Obviously these things are never black or white. I think that's why I find it hard to understand someone who says that they have no empathy.

For the sick example, you would show concern, ask if someone else was ok if it was the other way round because you know if you were in that situation, that you would be shocked if they didn't show any thought for you?

eviltwin wrote: »

Do you have Aspergers by any chance?

It is now called Autism Spectrum Disorder. But I get your drift.

Only the author of the posts can tell us. But while s/he may fit some of the traits of ASD, that is not a given.

Maybe the poster will come back and give us a clue.

When the Sun Hits

eviltwin wrote: »

Do you have Aspergers by any chance?

I don't know an awful lot about the condition but I understand that social interaction is difficult for them. I've never been a social butterfly or Mr. Popular but I've always had friends, and have an active enough social life now.

The subject of Aspergers was never brought up by any medical professional I've been to either. So, I really don't think I do.

When the Sun Hits wrote: »

I don't know an awful lot about the condition but I understand that social interaction is difficult for them. I've never been a social butterfly or Mr. Popular but I've always had friends, and have an active enough social life now.

The subject of Aspergers was never brought up by any medical professional I've been to either. So, I really don't think I do.

My eldest has AS and is very like what you described. Some people can't feel empathy and some can't read social situations well enough to know when its needed.

And then there are people who just don't care about anyone else. They are the scary ones.

eviltwin wrote: »

My eldest has AS and is very like what you described. Some people can't feel empathy and some can't read social situations well enough to know when its needed.

And then there are people who just don't care about anyone else. They are the scary ones.

ASD people can be loving and caring in their own way. I have a young nephew with it and he is straight out, and says it as he sees it without thinking of the consequences for others' feelings sometimes!

At the same time that kid is adorable in his own way, and he will be ok I sincerely hope!

It is, for sure those you mention, bolded above, that are the odd people. But psychopaths and narcissists can be like that.

God how I hate labels, but sometimes they just explain weird things to us!

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

ASD people can be loving and caring in their own way. I have a young nephew with it and he is straight out, and says it as he sees it without thinking of the consequences for others' feelings sometimes!

At the same time that kid is adorable in his own way, and he will be ok I sincerely hope!

It is, for sure those you mention, bolded above, that are the odd people. But psychopaths and narcissists can be like that.

God how I hate labels, but sometimes they just explain weird things to us!

No I'm definitely not referring to anyone with ASD in that last bit, like you say I mean the types of narcissistic personality who only care about themselves. I have two kids with ASD and while their empathy wouldn't be great they do have it in their own way.

Agree with you on this. Son has ASD and empathy wouldn't have been his strongest point either , but as he has gotten older he has become more empathetic to others. If that makes sense .

eviltwin wrote: »

No I'm definitely not referring to anyone with ASD in that last bit, like you say I mean the types of narcissistic personality who only care about themselves. I have two kids with ASD and while their empathy wouldn't be great they do have it in their own way.

I know you weren't referring to ASD as totally oblivious and uncaring. I understood that, and agree totally.

It was your point about those who only care about themselves that struck me.

As I said in an earlier post, psychopathic and maybe narcissistic tendencies lead to such an attitude.

I have witnessed them and their actions over the years. You would not believe how some of their actions have blighted our family. Sad stories, but hey, onwards and upwards. We move on.

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Agree with you on this. Son has ASD and empathy wouldn't have been his strongest point either , but as he has gotten older he has become more empathetic to others. If that makes sense .

That is very reassuring for those with young kids with ASD. Thanks for the positives there!

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

That is very reassuring for those with young kids with ASD. Thanks for the positives there!

Truth, thank you for that as didn't think my post would be helpful to anyone really !

He's 21 now, and I honestly don't know whether or not it came from becoming older or being more able to cope/tolerate with social situations to be honest. Or a combination of both and dealing with depression, who knows

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Truth, thank you for that as didn't think my post would be helpful to anyone really !

He's 21 now, and I honestly don't know whether or not it came from becoming older or being more able to cope/tolerate with social situations to be honest. Or a combination of both and dealing with depression, who knows

Good parenting and familial support is a big factor too. Acknowledge that.

My brother and his wife have played a blinder with their young son.

The professional help is fantastic (if lucky enough to get it), but it's the family and the siblings that really do the trick, with the help of the professionals of course.

You have done a great job with your child. Take a bow.

Egginacup

Deleted User wrote: »

If I was to pick my best trait, it would probably be empathy. Over the course of my life I've experienced so much sadness and upset. I came from a very poor family. People my age who lived near me are dead, in prison, or destroyed by drugs. I know what it's like to lose everything.

Long before that though, my parents had it tough, they went through really horrible times, as children, and as adults. So they brought me up to respect others and to treat everyone with decency.

I think empathy can be taught. I think you can sit your kids down and ask them to think about how something would make them feel, and I think it's a parent's duty to do so.

My view on it is that if I can make someone's day a little better then I should do that, and I should avoid wherever possible, making someone's day worse. There are of course some people who are just absolutely horrible bastards, and they've had an affect of my life too, but I find they're few and far between, and if you really take the time to look at someone closely, most people aren't bad deep down, they just may not deal with their hardships as well as others can.

Empathy can't be taught. We are born with it. We are also born to be cooperative. Cruelty and sociopathy are learned.

Darwin conducted a simple experiment whereby he had a maid come to his young child (maybe months old) and pretend to cry. The infant immediately displayed troubled whimperings and features of melancholy upon witnessing the maid's "distress". The child had heretofore never experienced someone else's pain yet could relate to someone's sadness.

Spanish Eyes thank you.

Your nephew is lucky to have you in his life tbh. Yes professional help is great , hard to get but my you're dead on point about siblings being a great asset. My son talks to one sibling about everything ,his depression,etc, and the other about boys stuff,:)

It has been hard on them at times but it also has helped them understand somewhat and feel empathy in a situation they might never experience or totally get. In trying to see the world through his eyes I mean

Mam of 4 wrote: »

Spanish Eyes thank you.

Your nephew is lucky to have you in his life tbh. Yes professional help is great , hard to get but my you're dead on point about siblings being a great asset. My son talks to one sibling about everything ,his depression,etc, and the other about boys stuff,:)

It has been hard on them at times but it also has helped them understand somewhat and feel empathy in a situation they might never experience or totally get. In trying to see the world through his eyes I mean

I am going off topic here.

But ASD people (as you probably know) love routines.

So when 9 yr old nephew comes a visiting, it's pancakes in the morning, he whoops when I flip them, makes me laugh so hard, and him too. His brother cleans up the mess, bless him.

And then it's on the Flicker thing out in the park, he has CP aswell, so his legs are not great. But he is a determined boy. And he will go far. I am sure of it. His only sibling, his brother, is an amazing child too. So supportive and will stand up for his brother no matter what.

I will say that until X was born, I never realised how hard parents worked to do the best for their children.

I have the utmost respect for parents who have special children. Totally.

So sit back, and be proud of yourself.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I used to, but to be honest, I've had enough horrific encounters happen to me and I've dealt with them all pretty much completely by myself. I guess this has hardened me a bit, or might make me appear cold but I don't really have empathy for people anymore. Whether its because I've had my own fair share of crap and don't want to get bogged down in drama that isn't mine, or because I've had enough of people sucking the life and soul out of me with situations they had the power to change, or the fact that I know no one feeling is forever and eventually they will learn to cope and come out the other side.

Tl;Dr

Not an empathic person at all

DoYouEvenLift

I only really feel empathy for people who had no choice in whatever it is to feel empathetic towards them for e.g. parents who lost their child in accidents, a husband whose wife cheated on him and won the divorce settlement and child custody, people with life threatening diseases like cancer (especially children, children getting cancer is depression inducing), children who were born into poor families and/or families with terrible health and genetics or just sh!t families in general, etc.

I feel absolutely no empathy towards people who do stupid sh!t and face negative consequences as a result. Being empathetic towards people like this just justifies them being idiots and they don't learn.

Cold War Kid

I still have empathy for people who make bad choices - although depending on what the choice is, in fairness. People can be stupid - doesn't mean they'll always be, though.
Having empathy for them doesn't mean they won't learn from their mistakes.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

I think you definitely can teach empathy to kids. I mean yeah nearly every kid will be distressed if they, for example, see a parent crying. But where it's important is where their wants are directly in conflict with another person's, maybe someone they don't know or another child they don't like very much. I remember doing some pretty awful things when I was a small child, and getting asked the question "how do you think you'd feel if someone did that to you?" was important. I literally hadn't thought of it.

Overall I'd say I'm very empathetic now, and it's something I especially try to do with people I just plain don't like. I've seen people just write other people off over things that they don't like and it's an attitude I've always hated, so I try to work against it in myself. I'm not a religious person at all, but the phrase "there but for the grace of god go I" is something I try to live by.