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Moving in together

cactusgal

Hi everyone,

This is a happy thread!

My boyfriend and I (both mid 30s) have decided to move in together after my current lease is up in a few months. We'll have been together for two years at that point. Needless to say, I'm delighted. He is absolutely the best in every way, one of the nicest, funniest, and loveliest people I've ever met, and I love him to bits.

I've lived with a few other boyfriends, and one thing I found was that the relationship just got so dull and stale with constantly being in each other's company, and both people just kind of stop making an effort.

My boyfriend now is nothing like any of my exes and our relationship is much, much better than any I've had in the past, so I do believe this experience will be much better. However, I just wanted to ask for people's advice on living together.

What are some tips for making the transition go smoothly, and for still keeping the relationship fresh (for lack of a better word!)

What are some things to avoid??

Thanks in advance for your insight!

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iusedtoknow

it'll take a while to find a rhythm. Sometimes it all works out, sometimes it doesn't. Just have clear expectations regards finances and everything else will work out.

Cleaning: you have to equal out standards of cleaning. I could leave a cup on a table for the evening until bedtime, whereas my wife will bring it to the kitchen as soon as she's done with it. Neither is right or wrong, just different. Remember that just because it isn't your way (or his!), doesn't make it wrong.

Bedtimes: I don't get the advise about going to bed at the same time. Sheesh, sometimes that could see me going to bed at 10am

. As long as you spend time communicating, you should be able to do as you please - if that's watching one more episode on netflix, or finishing a book or an article at night...then do it.

Other friends: keep contact with your other friends, go out with just them sometimes, and don't resent if your BF wants to do the same. It's important to keep outside lives up as well. Obviously, not to the same degree but it's good to keep some independence.

Quiet time: Sometimes I've had a long day at work and want to unwind for an hour getting home. My wife comes from a very expressive culture where conversations start as soon as someone is in the door. It took a while for her to figure out that just because I was quiet when I came in, didn't mean anything - it was just that I needed an hour. She's taken to doing it herself now where if she's had a tough day (or night) she'll come in, say hello and disappear into our office space/rumpus room for an hour to disconnect and read

Basically, there are no rules - each couple are really different and it'll take a while to sort out, and just because it worked for other people, doesn't mean it'll work for you - there will be disagreements as you sort it all out, but it's fun.

suicide_circus

A big scented candle and lighter in the bathroom at all times.

No TV/laptop/kindle/tablet in the bedroom.

If you've asked him to do something relatively minor a "million times", stop asking, it's probably not a massive deal.

if he accidentally breaks something of yours and is clearly distressed, don't make him feel worse about it by freaking out - he will recognise the effort you're making and will really appreciate it.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I'd hate to have to go to bed as early as my boyfriend likes to. Why is that important? I'd actually get a bit resentful if he wanted to go to bed at the same time as him, way too early for me!

The different opinions on this are interesting. We almost always go to bed at the same time, and get up at the same time. It just makes things easier for us in terms of mealtimes, being ready to go somewhere/do something. Occasionally one of us hits the hay early but our norm is at the same time. We never discussed it tho, I guess it just became habit by accident.

LegacyUser

Regarding going to bed at the same time - as far as my experience goes, it's not an issue unless there's an underlying issue.

Just before my (very very long term) relationship broke up, one of the main signs to me that things were breaking down was the fact that my OH was not only not going to bed at the same time as me, but was constantly "falling asleep on the couch" in order to avoid going to bed at the same time as me.

In other words, they didn't want to draw attention to the fact that sex was entirely off the table.

Tarzana2

MrWalsh wrote: »

The different opinions on this are interesting. We almost always go to bed at the same time, and get up at the same time. It just makes things easier for us in terms of mealtimes, being ready to go somewhere/do something. Occasionally one of us hits the hay early but our norm is at the same time. We never discussed it tho, I guess it just became habit by accident.

I need less sleep than my boyfriend and it would feel like I have a set bedtime if I went when he did, like a kid or something. No thanks!

And he needs the room to be completely dark, so no reading or anything. I'd really hate it, it would make me feel trapped.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

And he needs the room to be completely dark, so no reading or anything. I'd really hate it, it would make me feel trapped.

For people who need the room completely dark, would they not just wear a sleep mask?

El_Duderino 09

It doesn't help to bottle up an 'I told you so'. My missus makes a joke out of it. That way its easier to take on board and do it her way next time.

I hate 'I told you so', but I don' mind 'A-to-da-so' as much

A-to-da-so

(Contains a naughty word)

kylith

MrWalsh wrote: »

For people who need the room completely dark, would they not just wear a sleep mask?

Because of the fear that it'll slip down during the night and strangle you. Plus the fact that it feels weird having something strapped to your face when you're trying to sleep; I'd feel horribly claustrophobic with one.

Going to bed at the same time is not an issue. And it doesn't mean sex is off the table unless you only ever have sex in bed at night which is, in my opinion, one of more boring ways to have sex.

MrWalsh

kylith wrote: »

Because of the fear that it'll slip down during the night and strangle you. Plus the fact that it feels weird having something strapped to your face when you're trying to sleep; I'd feel horribly claustrophobic with one.

Going to bed at the same time is not an issue. And it doesn't mean sex is off the table unless you only ever have sex in bed at night which is, in my opinion, one of more boring ways to have sex.

Have there been many deaths by sleep mask strangulation I wonder?

Yeah, I'm so knackered at bed time sex would be the last thing on my mind. But I do love the intimacy of falling asleep touching each other's hand or in winter snuggling into the hot water bottle and getting warm together.

For me it's the little things that make living together nice. He leaves out a cup with a tea bag in it by the kettle for me in the mornings which is sweet. Doing nice little things for each other is important when living with someone.

kylith

MrWalsh wrote: »

Have there been many deaths by sleep mask strangulation I wonder?

Probably not, but it's what I'd be thinking, and the same reason I wouldn't wear headphones in bed either. Sure it's not rational, but fears rarely are

How embarrassing would it be to be the first person strangled to death by a sleep mask?

Faith

I'm pretty sure you'd wake up if you couldn't breathe, and you'd calmly remove the bit of string from around your neck that can exert only minuscule pressure on you

. It's not like a sleep mask could pin you down for the 3 minutes or so it would take you to die by strangulation! Worst case scenario is you'd have to break the string to get it off.

I agree with going to bed at the same time. My fiancé and I began doing that when we moved in together. Not abruptly, but it started with him getting into bed and watching stuff with headphones in while I fell asleep. Then he gradually started falling asleep earlier until we were pretty much synchronized. I love bedtime now, I can't wait to get into bed and fall asleep wrapped around each other.

It helps us to have defined 'jobs' for housework. It happened that we easily agreed on what we like and don't like doing, and they were the opposite of each other. I like cooking, he likes sweeping for example. I do the bathroom and he does the bins.

Be respectful of each other and listen to each other. If he tells you something irritates him, listen to him. Equally, calmly but firmly communicate with him when something bothers you.

Living together is great

. I've found that after significant changes in a relationship (moving in together, getting engaged, etc), there can be a period of regular bickering and minor fighting. Don't worry about it - it's normal!

Tarzana2

MrWalsh wrote: »

For people who need the room completely dark, would they not just wear a sleep mask?

My BF would hate having to wear one plus, it's sounds not just light. The tap-tapping of the laptop etc. He could wear ear plugs, I guess, but I don't think someone should have to truss themselves up so much just to sleep. The same bedtimes thing just doesn't suit every couple. Like I said, I would really hate to have to go to bed as early as my boyfriend, I'm a night owl. It would become a source of resentment.

We don't fall asleep wrapped around each other though, we like our space. My boyfriend likes to be completely unencumbered when going to sleep. Maybe if we were more huggy, going to bed together would be more important to us.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

My BF would hate having to wear one plus, it's sounds not just light. The tap-tapping of the laptop etc. He could wear ear plugs, I guess, but I don't think someone should have to truss themselves up so much just to sleep. The same bedtimes thing just doesn't suit every couple.

God I'd hate to share a bed with someone so sensitive, fair play to you, you must have the patience of a saint!

Does it not wake him when you go to bed? Or do you have to sneak in silently in the dark? It must be like torture for him if he ever has to stay overnight in a hospital?

I definitely would not have the same bedtime as my husband if he was super sensitive about going to sleep! Both of us just conk regardless of if the other has lights on, or there are sounds, thankfully! I really feel for people who have trouble sleeping, there's nothing worse than trying to sleep and not being able to.

kylith

Faith wrote: »

I'm pretty sure you'd wake up if you couldn't breathe, and you'd calmly remove the bit of string from around your neck that can exert only minuscule pressure on you . It's not like a sleep mask could pin you down for the 3 minutes or so it would take you to die by strangulation! Worst case scenario is you'd have to break the string to get it off.

Like I said; fears aren't rational and most importantly; I just wouldn't be comfortable sleeping like that. I'm like Tarzana's OH in that I don't like being interfered with when I'm asleep. I don't want to be cuddled, the slightest touch of flesh is enough for me.

To me it would be the height of rudeness to be on a laptop or tablet when someone is trying to sleep, just so that ye could say ye go to bed at the same time. I'd much prefer to go to bed an hour or so earlier than my partner so they could do what they wanted on their computer and I could get to sleep in peace. Once I'm asleep any disturbance by someone coming to bed is minimal as long as they're not turning on the main light and making a load of noise (Ex used the torch on his phone as I did if I went to bed after him). I really don't understand why going to bed at the same time is so important for some people, for me it would be like having a bedtime when I was a child.

And yes, trying to get to sleep in a hospital is torturous.

MrWalsh

Kylith, I don't go to bed at the same time as my husband so that I can say we go to bed at the same time!?! That would be really silly! Who would I be saying it to? I do it because I like the intimacy of going to bed together. Often it's the time where we properly talk about things, without distractions, before we go to sleep. Other times we snuggle and read, or use tablets or one goes to sleep while the other is answering an email or whatever.

I can't imagine trying to undress and put things away and leave things ready for the morning using a phone torch on a nightly basis. I'd rather sleep in a different room!

Faith

Why on earth would somebody share a bedroom if they are an extremely light sleeper on a different schedule to their partner, or hate being touched in bed? It would be my idea of hell to have to tiptoe around my room using a torch either at night or in the morning.

I think the OP can use the last few posts as a good example of when compromise might be needed, if nothing else! If one member insists on having a bedroom setting that's just so and is not willing to budge, and it's not convenient for the other, then having separate bedrooms is a perfectly valid compromise. If I couldn't relax freely in my bed, and I didn't want to cuddle my partner, then I'd definitely want my own bedroom. I'd see no benefit to sharing in those circumstances.

A second bedroom, if you can afford it, is always a good idea anyway. Even if you love sharing a room, there might be times when you are sick and need your own space. Up until our current house, we've always had an extra room that my OH has used as an office/man cave. It allows us some separation when we need it, either for work reasons or just general space reasons.

Tarzana2

MrWalsh wrote: »

God I'd hate to share a bed with someone so sensitive, fair play to you, you must have the patience of a saint!

I don't consider his bedtime needs sensitive at all.

Faith wrote: »

Why on earth would somebody share a bedroom if they are an extremely light sleeper on a different schedule to their partner, or hate being touched in bed?

Seriously?

Needing quiet and darkness to get off to sleep doesn't mean you're a light sleeper, it just means you need those things at the beginning to get into a deep sleep. And it's still nice to have the other person next to you in bed, even if you're not cuddly. We'd cuddle on waking in the morning often. And you really consider it necessary to sleep in different rooms because your bedtime might be an hour apart?

I find it a bit strange that people can't see outside their own personal preferences on this subject. I mean, I totally understand why some couples love going to bed at the same time but it wouldn't be for everyone. The OP would know herself, I guess, and the way my BF and I handle bedtime wouldn't be advice I'd be handing down as essential, every couple is different in this regard.

Faith

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Seriously?

Yeah, I genuinely don't get what the benefits of sharing in such conditions would be. I love having a bed to myself to stretch out. If I didn't enjoy cuddling, or couldn't sleep through a slight noise or light, I would hate to share a room. I share because A) we love cuddling, and

we have some brilliant conversations while we're lounging in bed together, either when we've just woken up or before we go to sleep. If neither of those things happen, I'd see no point in sharing a small space when I could have a bed all to myself.

Obviously that's just me now, but maybe someone could explain why they still choose to share a bedroom when they don't have any interactions in that room (presumably apart from sex, which can't happen at bedtime or in the morning very frequently when people are on different schedules). I'm genuinely curious.

Also, please point out where I claimed anything was 'necessary'.

Edit: you edited your post while I was typing. I think were talking at cross purposes here. I don't consider an hour in difference in bedtimes particularly significant, nor needing dark and silence for the 20 minutes or so it takes to fall into a deep sleep. When you said night owl, I imagined you sleeping from 3am to 11am, and your partner sleeping from 10pm to 6am, or something along those lines. Similarly, if someone can sleep through a light being turned on when they're fast asleep, that's great. I'm talking about the person who mentioned using a torch every night, which seems mad to me.

Nobody is claiming that their advice is 'essential' - we're all just explaining what works well for us so that the OP can sift through it all and figure out what will be best for her and her partner. Maybe she was horrified at the idea of synchronising bedtimes, or maybe she thought it's a great idea. It's good that she's getting a wide variety of opinions on the subject, IMO.

cactusgal

Faith wrote: »

Nobody is claiming that their advice is 'essential' - we're all just explaining what works well for us so that the OP can sift through it all and figure out what will be best for her and her partner. Maybe she was horrified at the idea of synchronising bedtimes, or maybe she thought it's a great idea. It's good that she's getting a wide variety of opinions on the subject, IMO.

Yes indeed! I think it really depends on the couple. Myself and my boyfriend have similar jobs with similar wake-up times, so it works for us to go to bed together at the same time. I also like having a chat and a cuddle at the end of the day, falling asleep together makes me feel relaxed and happy.

Having said that, I wouldn't want him or I to feel like we had to go to bed at the same time all the time.

kylith

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I don't consider his bedtime needs sensitive at all.

Seriously? Needing quiet and darkness to get off to sleep doesn't mean you're a light sleeper, it just means you need those things at the beginning to get into a deep sleep. And it's still nice to have the other person next to you in bed, even if you're not cuddly. We'd cuddle on waking in the morning often. And you really consider it necessary to sleep in different rooms because your bedtime might be an hour apart?

Exactly. You don't need to be cuddly to enjoy sharing a bed with someone; having their weight in the bed and hearing them breathe is lovely. My ex used the light on his phone to avoid turning on the main light, but that was his choice. Once I'm asleep it's grand, and I wouldn't have minded being disturbed for a few minutes. If he went to bed before me I did the same, it's really no bother to strip and get into bed by phonelight.

To me bed is where you go to sleep not watch a film, browse the internet or chat. Those are living room activities to be done when awake and alert. When we did go to bed at the same time we'd cuddle for a while because I knew he liked it and I'd roll over when I was ready to sleep, and he'd respect that.

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I find it a bit strange that people can't see outside their own personal preferences on this subject. I mean, I totally understand why some couples love going to bed at the same time but it wouldn't be for everyone. The OP would know herself, I guess, and the way my BF and I handle bedtime wouldn't be advice I'd be handing down as essential, every couple is different in this regard.

Yes, I think the main thing the OP can take from this discussion is that every couple is different and that every couple needs to decide for themselves what suits them best. Go to bed together if you want, but if you don't want to that's ok too. Talk to each other about what you want and expect and reach a compromise that suits you both.

Tarzana2

Faith wrote: »

It's good that she's getting a wide variety of opinions on the subject, IMO.

Agreed.

OP, one bit of advice I have is, if something begins to bug you during the bedding in period, communicate it, don't let it fester. Best to get it out in the open when you are figuring things out and finding your living together rhythm. No resentments will build up then and you'll both know where you stand.

cactusgal

For those of you living with partners, how often would you eat dinner at home together during the week, usually?

bee06

cactusgal wrote: »

For those of you living with partners, how often would you eat dinner at home together during the week, usually?

We would eat together every day. We finish work at a similar time. I get home about 15 mins before him so might make a start with the cooking and he'll pitch in when he comes home.

MrWalsh

cactusgal wrote: »

For those of you living with partners, how often would you eat dinner at home together during the week, usually?

Mostly every day, unless one of us has something on such that we are going to be late.

We've been together long enough that we have lived together through different schedules, me working, him working neither working, both working. What we have found is that it's lovely to have a stay at home person, it makes the other persons life so much easier! But we usually both work so whoever is home first puts dinner on.

Although recently I've been getting Mondays dinner ready on Sunday, Wednesdays ready on Tuesday and Fridays ready on Thursday to allow for going to the gym and to save on having to cook from scratch each night. But still whoever is home first heats it up.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

I don't consider his bedtime needs sensitive at all.

They are. Most people can cope with someone reading in bed next to them and don't need full darkness and absolute silence to fall asleep.

There's nothing wrong with being a very sensitive person about falling asleep but it is an extreme. To need a partner to go to bed using a phone torch in silence is not "the norm". But it's totally grand so long as you find a way that works with your partner.

iusedtoknow

cactusgal wrote: »

For those of you living with partners, how often would you eat dinner at home together during the week, usually?

We usually hit 3 times a week at home, but my wife works shifts so it can change depending on what is going on at the time. Sometimes I'll go to her hospital to have dinner with her but it isn't always possible depending on what her day/night is turning out like.

We do make sure to eat at the table with no tv etc at the weekends if we are both around.

Tarzana2

MrWalsh wrote: »

Most people can cope with someone reading in bed next to them and don't need full darkness and absolute silence to fall asleep.

Sorry, this is nonsense, lots of people need that. And indeed, it's recommended that a room be completely dark before you try to get to sleep. Not everyone might need it, but it's considered optimum. Hence why many people have blackout blinds, to keep out street light.

It might not be what you need, but it's not overly sensitive.

Extreme? What the hell?

athtrasna

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Sorry, this is nonsense, lots of people need that. And indeed, it's recommended that a room be completely dark before you try to get to sleep. Not everyone might need it, but it's considered optimum. Hence why many people have blackout blinds, to keep out street light.

It might not be what you need, but it's not overly sensitive.

Extreme? What the hell?

It's also recommended that you wake up to natural light? I actually sleep with the blinds open for that reason.

MrWalsh

Tarzana2 wrote: »

Sorry, this is nonsense, lots of people need that. And indeed, it's recommended that a room be completely dark before you try to get to sleep. Not everyone might need it, but it's considered optimum. Hence why many people have blackout blinds, to keep out street light.

It might not be what you need, but it's not overly sensitive.

Extreme? What the hell?

We'll I can only speak from experience and having shared both beds and rooms with lovers and friends over the years, out of maybe 50 people I've only experienced 1 who needed total silence and total darkness to sleep. So yes, it's the extreme end of sleep needs.

How do you think people siesta or nap lying out in the sun? Or how do people normally sleep in hospitals or busy environments?

Do you have any kind of link to back up your assertion? Recommended by who?

Have you ever met anyone with a blackout blind? Me neither

kylith

Regarding the eating we would always have eaten together, but would take turns cooking when we were both working.

athtrasna wrote: »

It's also recommended that you wake up to natural light? I actually sleep with the blinds open for that reason.

Unfortunately it's not always possible to do both. I've a curtain and blind system to keep it nicely dark at night, but it leaves in a nice, gentle light in the morning and that coupled with a sleep tracker that wakes you gradually means I get a great night's sleep.