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Is it actually possible to make new friends in this city?

lonelyuphere

Hi,

I moved up here a little over a year ago from the country, Im 25 and male and it seems impossible to actually make any friends here unless youre in college or school. This may be the case in every city, in which case I apologize to Dublin.

I must admit I am picky in some respects. I want someone whos relatively close to my age who I have something in common with and I actually want to spend time with, not just a warm body. I'd like to have someone to go out at the weekends with.

Many well meaning people will suggest one of the following solutions but they have all failed:
•Join a sports team: everyone is very nice and theres the odd night out but all the interactions are very superficial and dont lead to anything and to be fully honest I dont like anyone on the team that much anyway and they feel the same about me.
• Join a class: Ive gone to art, cooking, yoga etc and while I enjoyed learning new skills everyone there stuck to themselves(which is completely understandable)
• meetup.com: consists mainly of the middle aged, elderly or weirdos.
• work: most people in my workplace are 10 years older than me and obsessed with their domestic situation. The few young people there have their own social circles and I havent clicked with any of them.
• housemates: Ive lived in 2 houses since I've been up here and we all kept to ourselves.
• it may be me: I do have friends, just not here. I do make an effort to be nice and social with everyone I meet.
• volunteering: I havent tried it but I'm genuinely uninterested in it and heavily suspect it will have the same problems as sports teams and meetups combined.

If anyone has been in the same situation and got themselves out of it please let me know because this is very depressing. It seems that the only people looking for friends are people who shouldnt have friends because theyre repulsive in some way and maybe thats me too.

Thanks

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strawdog

I sympathise with you OP tho you could probably state your case a little more diplomatically while still being honest. I've lived in other cities abroad on my own and it was pretty similar. I could see all these groups out and about who were my age and my kind of people but it just seemed locked out of their circles with no route in. Joined football teams, meetups etc no joy. Its a crappy feeling.

While I wanted to integrate with the local crowd, I ended up just having to hang around with other ex-pats who were a bit odd and clearly not mad about me. I went out with these people I wasn't keen on a fair bit tho because I just needed to get out. But I started meeting other people by being out and getting known around places. Gradually ended up with a decent enough social life with people I liked.

Cynical and calculating as this may sound, I think you should consider socializing with whatever channels are open, even it means sucking it up with people who don't really float your boat (as you mentioned, and I also found, you can usually tell when the indifference is mutual which avoids having to use people who may get hurt). You could even get very lucky and meet some sound people early on. One stream can lead to another, but you're unlikely to get a good social life ready made, you need to jump in somewhere and see where it leads.

eviltwin

Seriously OP not sure what meetups you are going to but I have been involved in a couple of the larger social groups for years and most of our members are people just like you. I have a lot of people who are from all walks of life and all ages but for the most part are really great, cool people to be around. Maybe you need to give it more of a chance? You get such a diverse mix on these things, don't give up because one group seems odd or not your cup of tea.

ProudDUB

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Ive been to several different meetups but I dont want to be cruel and name them. Maybe calling them weirdos is too much but the people there are generally people who are desperate for friends because they have some psychological disorder or are recently divorced or widowed.

What is is wrong with making friends with someone who is recently divorced or widowed. Perhaps your being so judgmental about people is part of the problem? There are lots of perfectly normal people out there, who find themselves in a bit of a social limbo when they become newly single. Perhaps they socialized primarily with their spouse & now that they are single, they find themselves at a loose end. Or maybe they socialized with other couples, the other couples took sides in the breakup & now the invites to BBQ's and nights out have dried up for them. It happens. It doesn't make them dysfunctional, social misfits that should be avoided at all costs.

lonelyuphere

ProudDUB wrote: »

What is is wrong with making friends with someone who is recently divorced or widowed. .

Absolutely nothing but Im 25 so I just want young friends to go out with.

Dellnum wrote: »

I put an ad in the evening paper ... you could try that.

No offense but that sounds like the definition of asking for trouble.

strawdog wrote: »

Cynical and calculating as this may sound, I think you should consider socializing with whatever channels are open.

Interesting advice but not many channels are open. The only way I could use the advice would be to push myself on uninterested people or hang around with people with issues.

eviltwin wrote: »

Seriously OP not sure what meetups you are going to but I have been involved in a couple of the larger social groups for years and most of our members are people just like you. I have a lot of people who are from all walks of life and all ages but for the most part are really great, cool people to be around. Maybe you need to give it more of a chance? You get such a diverse mix on these things, don't give up because one group seems odd or not your cup of tea.

I know youre being nice but Ive been to several groups and by their very nature they attract the desperate. Theyre desperate for a reason. I've met some very nice middle aged people but I cant be friends with them, our lives are too different and some truly weird people who you wouldnt want to stand behind in a queue but no young normal people.

Niamh1993

I know how you feel. I've moved up here recently and don't know anybody I can really hang around with. Everyone I work with is older than me and married with kids and many of the clients are my age but because of the nature of the job it would be inappropriate for me to have a relationship with them outside of work. It can be tough.

Chucky the tree

lonelyuphere wrote: »

I dont think its setting the bar high to want friends who are normal, same age, similar sense of humour or interests .Are you saying that because I'm isolated I should just take whichever person I can get? Even if they dont like me and I dont like them? Seems worse than isolation to me.

Im not looking for best friends, just people who I can go out with basically.

I do view those activities that way but after a year of doing them Im realizing now that I'm still friendless so I have to do something.

No I'm saying because you fear being isolated you come up with excuse after excuse not to actually try and make friends. I don't think you want to make friends, I just think you want to attempt to make friends so you can convince yourself that you do want to make friends but you can't seem to make friends because everyone else isn't what you want in a friend. You're basically giving yourself constant exit strategy to avoid facing the possibility that you could be alone forever, or no one could like you.

What do you consider to be a friend? The ones I have are all different. They all do different jobs, they all like different past-times, they all like different sports/hobbies etc. We don't really have any common interests. If I meet them one a night out now for the first time I'd probably think "Nah, we're not into the same things sure".

There's a reason people are mostly friends from school and college and then work. It's mainly because they were forced to interact which each other over a long period of time. It's much easier if there is a common interest obviously, but it's certainly not always the case. Not only that but one common interest aint going to make a friendship last long.

ProudDUB

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Absolutely nothing but Im 25 so I just want young friends to go out with.

So no 25 year old has ever broken up with his girl friend? There are plenty of perfectly normal people in their mid to late 20's, who have been in a relationship since they were a teenager, the relationship ends & they are at a loose end for things to do after work, or at the weekend. They are also at a loose end as to who to do them with, as they neglected making friends during that time, because they thought they had met "The One". They didn't, and now they are on their own, in more ways than one.

If you weren't so sure that they are all weirdos and outcasts & dysfunctional (all your own words) in some way, perhaps you would be able to see that and would consider having them as friends?

Baron Kurtz

bucketybuck wrote: »

Bullshit.

I know a meetup that goes skydiving, surfing and outdoor climbing, as well as for drinks regularly, you think those guys are all autistic? You think they aren't anything but super confident?

Face it, you probably went to one meetup, stood in the corner because you hadn't the balls to talk to anybody and now on the internet they were rubbish because nobody came into your corner to ask if they could please suck your dick.

Unreal volley of anger there, man! Plenty of friends I'd say you have:)

thisistough

I also agree. Moved up nearly 2 years ago from down the country for work (also early 20s) and while I've built up a good few great friends from work they're still work friends, we might go out after work some nights but its still not the same. I couldn't bring myself to go to one of those meet up things either, nothing against those who do but its just not for me!

So yeah there was absolutely no advice in there what so ever. Sorry about that!

bucketybuck

Baron Kurtz wrote: »

Unreal volley of anger there, man! Plenty of friends I'd say you have:)

I have so many friends nights out are allocated on a NFL style draft system to ensure everybody gets a fair chance to be with me.

Dellnum

[QUOTE=

No offense but that sounds like the definition of asking for trouble.

[/QUOTE]

No, what you do is meet the people who respond and decide for yourself if you have anything in common with them. You give a box number for your responses not your name and tel no. !! I met very nice people and met my future o/h from being out on a night with them. It was the ideal remedy for me.

No offense but you don't seem to be open to any suggestions.

fillefatale

I don't know what gender you are but there's GirlCrew on facebook, and I think there's an equivalent for guys called Wingman or something. I find most meetup.com groups to be strange, definitely wouldn't be my things and I've met dozen of people off the internet over the years, mostly via twitter.

lonelyuphere

Niamh1993 wrote: »

I know how you feel. I've moved up here recently and don't know anybody I can really hang around with.

thisistough wrote: »

I also agree.!

It's good to know that at least I'm not the only one in this situation. Let me know if you guys figure a way out. Is there anyone out there who has recovered from this?

ProudDUB wrote: »

So no 25 year old has ever broken up with his girl friend? There are plenty of perfectly normal people in their mid to late 20's

Of course but they aren't at meetups. I was using the words divorced and widowed because I assume most people will picture middle aged and elderly people and I thought it gave a better idea of what the atmosphere is like at meetups, probably a bit flippant of me, sorry.

ProudDUB wrote: »

If you weren't so sure that they are all weirdos and outcasts & dysfunctional (all your own words) in some way, perhaps you would be able to see that and would consider having them as friends?

Actually I wasnt calling the divorced and widowed weirdos, I was calling the other people there that.

Dellnum wrote: »

It was the ideal remedy for me.No offense but you don't seem to be open to any suggestions.

Im sure it was for you and I'm glad it worked out for you but it seems like I could attract some very unstable people that way.

I am open to suggestions but I think there is probably no answer.

fillefatale wrote: »

mostly via twitter.

How do you do that?

bucketybuck wrote: »

I have so many friends nights out are allocated on a NFL style draft system to ensure everybody gets a fair chance to be with me.

How do I get to be you bucket?

Sincerly thanks for all the replies and sorry for pedantically replying like this. My thinking on it having read all this is that I'm in a hopeless situation. Most people seem to think this isn't a problem unique to Dublin which leaves me with no options

Dellnum

Why would putting an ad in the paper work only for me and not for you ??? Don't knock it until you try it.
Why would you think there was no answer ?
Anyone who ever made a friend has made them through at least one of the ways suggested, so why not you ?

You are very negative, if you don't mind me saying and you will never make a friend with that negativity.
Join as many clubs as you can and keep at it and I bet you will get there eventually.

eviltwin

If you're going to write off everyone and their suggestions OP then no wonder you feel lonely. You won't make friends by only wanting to talk to a certain demographic. The city is a melting pot of people of all backgrounds. Why not broaden your horizons a bit and actually consider some of the advice here.

lonelyuphere

Dellnum wrote: »

You are very negative, if you don't mind me saying and you will never make a friend with that negativity. QUOTE]

eviltwin wrote: »

If you're going to write off everyone and their suggestions OP then no wonder you feel lonely.

In my defence the only suggestion I’ve actually wrote off was putting an add in the paper. The reason I wrote it off is that I can not imagine anyone looking at personal adds for friends who wasn’t very strange(nowadays). I have met some very off-putting people in my attempts to make friends so I know they are out there and have to be avoided.

This accusation of “negativity” is always thrown at people who don’t fool themselves into optimism while in a hopeless situation. I’m just telling you my experience. If you spoke to me a year ago I’d have been pretty “positive”.

eviltwin wrote: »

You won't make friends by only wanting to talk to a certain demographic. The city is a melting pot of people of all backgrounds. Why not broaden your horizons a bit and actually consider some of the advice here.

My horizons are pretty broad, I’ve done most of the suggestions. Its more like there are certain demographics Im avoiding, namely significantly older people, people with psychological disorders and non English speakers. I think this is pretty reasonable

syklops

I moved to Dublin still wet behind the ears when I was 18. I got talking to two guys at the bus stop on the first day of work. Forteen years later we are good friends and Ive been to both their weddings. I moved jobs and made more Friends. Moved back to Dublin last year after a few years away and became close friends with a few guys in work and re-connected with my old friends from years ago. I don't have the same requirements as you OP. The two guys at the bus stop were at least 10 years older than me, and were co-habiting where as I was single but they had the same interests as me and we clicked despite the age-difference. Through them I met more people, some older again, some even younger than me.

My horizons are pretty broad, I’ve done most of the suggestions. Its more like there are certain demographics Im avoiding, namely significantly older people, people with psychological disorders and non English speakers. I think this is pretty reasonable

If I had that attitude, I wouldn't currently be engaged to a gorgeous Polish girl.

You said the boards beers were few and far between. Why don't you organise one then. Any boardsies I've met in real life were dead sound and we got on great.

What are some of your interests and maybe there is a club for it that we know of. Not a meetup but an actual established club.

Dellnum

lonelyuphere wrote: »

[QUOTE=

In my defence the only suggestion I’ve actually wrote off was putting an add in the paper. The reason I wrote it off is that I can not imagine anyone looking at personal adds for friends who wasn’t very strange(nowadays).

This accusation of “negativity” is always thrown at people who don’t fool themselves into optimism while in a hopeless situation. I’m just telling you my experience. If you spoke to me a year ago I’d have been pretty “positive”.

I am not "very strange" and neither are the friends I met through an ad.
You are not in a hopeless situation, you just think you are because of your negativity.

grimm2005

To answer the OP's thread title, it's definitely possible to make friends here or in any cities tbh. 5 of my friends were living in a house share close to the city centre when one of them moved out, so they've gone through about 3 "randomers" so far and one of them has become a great friend of all of us. A nervous shy girl from Belarus who had not great English, studying for the summer. One of the house mates before heading out casually asked if she was up for joining which thrilled her because she was too shy to ask herself. Since then, I've become good friends with her and she now has a pretty big network of friends here in Dublin just by association and friends of friends and we've met up many times since she was here originally.

The other room mates who moved in never made any effort to hang out with them and as such were segregated from the rest of the house and never became friends with the rest of us.

The point I'm making is yes, you can make friends, just put yourself out there. You might end up making friends through random links with other people you happen to know or work with. I've several friends who have moved to London and elsewhere in the world and they all have at least a handful of genuine friends they've made since moving.

Lucena

I think it just gets harder to make friends as you get older. I'm in my early forties now, and I haven't made any new friends in the last 15 years, pretty much since I left college. I sometimes do stuff with my OH and her friends, though. They're grand, but if I ever split up with my OH, they would definitely be her friends, and I wouldn't miss them too much anyway.

I've been down the trying different activities road, but nothing ever came of it. Played badminton for two years, only went out socially once with the other members, it never went further than that. I've played club chess for years, and get on ok with the other members, but don't ever see them outside of the club or competitions, or the end of year dinner.

Possibly just accept the fact that it's harder to make friends as you get older, but try and leave yourself open to any opportunities, work drinks and the like. In the meantime, do stuff you want to do, as opposed to stuff where you're only doing it to make friends.

ProudDUB

OP, what about about doing a course of some sort, in something that you are already interested in, be it foreign languages, computers etc etc? It's a great way of meeting people with similar interests to you, but it won't have that element of awkwardness that can exist at a fabricated social gathering.

About a year ago, I did a Microsoft Office specialist course at my local FAS centre. I had a preconceived notion of what people doing FAS courses were like, but there was actually a very broad range of people doing the course. I didn't do the course specifically to make friends, but I made friends with several people that I am still in touch with.

Birneybau

Why don't we just have a Dublin City Boards Beers soon?

John_Rambo

lonelyuphere wrote: »

I know youre being nice but Ive been to several groups and by their very nature they attract the desperate. Theyre desperate for a reason. I've met some very nice middle aged people but I cant be friends with them, our lives are too different and some truly weird people who you wouldnt want to stand behind in a queue but no young normal people.

I think you're hilarious and probably good fun to hang around with. But, you're not for me, too cynical and your humour is offbeat, I like it, but you're 25 and way to sharp. And, I'm certainly not for you, I'm way to old and I don't have time anyway!

People are trying to be helpful and some of us are doubting you. Are you a windup??

What do you like? I mean, there must be something that floats your boat, cooking, films, stand up, boozing? What's your thing? What did you do before you came to Dublin?

eviltwin

Birneybau wrote: »

Why don't we just have a Dublin City Boards Beers soon?

Making sure to vet all attendees so they fit the OPs preferences of course :rolleyes:

syklops

eviltwin wrote: »

Making sure to vet all attendees so they fit the OPs preferences of course :rolleyes:

Yeah, no-one over thirty. Thats me out. Only people with English as their first language, so herself wont get in either. So the guest list is currently minus two.

bren2001

I think some people are being a bit harsh on the OP. He clearly came onto this hoping for a different suggestion to something he has already tried. People seem to be getting annoyed that he isn't taking these on board. In fairness, he has already tried them. The only new suggestion for him was boards beers.

However, everyone here knows that it is a time game. You just have to put yourself out there again and again and again until it works. For some people that takes time. Personally, I don't think you are attending this stuff with the right attitude. You seem very down on yourself and if I were you I would consider attending a counsellor to help talk through any issues you have. There is no point in tackling any bout of the blues alone. I certainly wish you the best of luck.

syklops

bren2001 wrote: »

I think some people are being a bit harsh on the OP. He clearly came onto this hoping for a different suggestion to something he has already tried. People seem to be getting annoyed that he isn't taking these on board. In fairness, he has already tried them. The only new suggestion for him was boards beers.

However, everyone here knows that it is a time game. You just have to put yourself out there again and again and again until it works. For some people that takes time. Personally, I don't think you are attending this stuff with the right attitude. You seem very down on yourself and if I were you I would consider attending a counsellor to help talk through any issues you have. There is no point in tackling any bout of the blues alone. I certainly wish you the best of luck.

You don't think he is a bit of a goldilocks? No-one over a certain age, no foreigners, no meeting strangers from the internet as many are wierdos etc.

bucketybuck

bren2001 wrote: »

You just have to put yourself out there again and again and again until it works.

This is the critical thing that many lonely and socially inept people can't seem to grasp, like anything good in life if you want to form bonds/relationships with other people then you need to work at it.

You know what the most insulting personal statement is? Its "I am shy but really good fun if you get to know me". You have to get to know me! :rolleyes: You hear it so often and basically it means that the person expects you to do all the legwork. They want you to initiate conversation and spend time dragging them out of their shell. God forbid they make the effort themselves, no, they are shy and so somebody else has to make it happen.

The OP is one of these. He most certainly is not going to work hard to develop a rapport with somebody new, what he really wants is to stand there and wait for somebody who fits his pre-conceived notions of friend to magically appear some day. The concept of being cheerful, inviting and friendly to everybody will probably never occur to him.

Hey OP, I bet you are really good fun, yeah? If we got to know you?

lonelyuphere

bucketybuck wrote: »

He most certainly is not going to work hard to develop a rapport with somebody new, what he really wants is to stand there and wait for somebody who fits his pre-conceived notions of friend to magically appear some day. The concept of being cheerful, inviting and friendly to everybody will probably never occur to him.

I am nice and social with everyone, nothing I have asked has been about how to interact with people. Its about how to meet people.

Its very discouraging the way some people assume I’m either dysfunctional or a snob and perhaps I am but nothing I’ve written here has suggested that. I assume it’s comforting to think its my unique problem rather than a quite depressing fact of life.

syklops wrote: »

You don't think he is a bit of a goldilocks? No-one over a certain age, no foreigners, no meeting strangers from the internet as many are wierdos etc.

Are you suggesting that I befriend people I cant go out with or cant talk to or cant stand? Really?

People my age would be anyone between about 18 and 35 which is a pretty broad age group. I have nothing against older people, the problem with them is just that I cant go out with them at the weekends and id have less in common with them.

BTW no non-english speakers. Not no foreigners.

bren2001 wrote: »

I think some people are being a bit harsh on the OP. He clearly came onto this hoping for a different suggestion to something he has already tried. People seem to be getting annoyed that he isn't taking these on board. In fairness, he has already tried them. The only new suggestion for him was boards beers.

Thank you

bren2001 wrote: »

However, everyone here knows that it is a time game.

I’ve given it a year, how much longer?

John_Rambo wrote: »

Are you a windup??

John_Rambo wrote: »

What do you like? I mean, there must be something that floats your boat, cooking, films, stand up, boozing? What's your thing? What did you do before you came to Dublin?

I can’t answer that without becoming less anonymous but I’ve gone to loads of things that follow my interests and people either keep to themselves or are weirdos(sorry for using that word yet again).

Birneybau wrote: »

Why don't we just have a Dublin City Boards Beers soon?

Ok, how?

ProudDUB wrote: »

OP, what about about doing a course of some sort, in something that you are already interested in, be it foreign languages, computers etc etc?

Already did, people kept to themselves. Thanks for the suggestion though.

Lucena wrote: »

I think it just gets harder to make friends as you get older. I'm in my early forties now, and I haven't made any new friends in the last 15 years, pretty much since I left college.

I've been down the trying different activities road, but nothing ever came of it. Played badminton for two years, only went out socially once with the other members, it never went further than that. I've played club chess for years, and get on ok with the other members, but don't ever see them outside of the club or competitions, or the end of year dinner.

This I identify with and suspect is the way I’ll be in my forties, which is sad.

grimm2005 wrote: »

One of the house mates before heading out casually asked if she was up for joining which thrilled her because she was too shy to ask herself. Since then, I've become good friends with her and she now has a pretty big network of friends here in Dublin just by association and friends of friends and we've met up many times since she was here originally.

The point I'm making is yes, you can make friends, just put yourself out there. You might end up making friends through random links with other people you happen to know or work with

I think youre probably right to a certain extent and thanks for the advice but I’ve been in two houses since I moved up here and we all kept to ourselves. People where I work are significantly older than me. Getting a good social house or workplace is a bit of a lottery.

Dellnum wrote: »

I am not "very strange" and neither are the friends I met through an ad.
You are not in a hopeless situation, you just think you are because of your negativity.

I’ve got off on the wrong foot with you. Im not accusing you of anything. I just heavily suspect putting a letter out is not a good idea and I’d bet I’m not the only one who thinks that.

syklops wrote: »

What are some of your interests and maybe there is a club for it that we know of. Not a meetup but an actual established club.

I am in a sports team. I just had a look at myhobby.ie and I don’t see anything I’m interested in. Where do you find these clubs? Most Ive seen from the internet have been in things I dont have any interest in like martial arts or hiking.

lonelyuphere

MRnotlob606 wrote: »

If you're a part of the solution , you must be part of the problem.

Wa?