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Is it actually possible to make new friends in this city?

lonelyuphere

Hi,

I moved up here a little over a year ago from the country, Im 25 and male and it seems impossible to actually make any friends here unless youre in college or school. This may be the case in every city, in which case I apologize to Dublin.

I must admit I am picky in some respects. I want someone whos relatively close to my age who I have something in common with and I actually want to spend time with, not just a warm body. I'd like to have someone to go out at the weekends with.

Many well meaning people will suggest one of the following solutions but they have all failed:
•Join a sports team: everyone is very nice and theres the odd night out but all the interactions are very superficial and dont lead to anything and to be fully honest I dont like anyone on the team that much anyway and they feel the same about me.
• Join a class: Ive gone to art, cooking, yoga etc and while I enjoyed learning new skills everyone there stuck to themselves(which is completely understandable)
• meetup.com: consists mainly of the middle aged, elderly or weirdos.
• work: most people in my workplace are 10 years older than me and obsessed with their domestic situation. The few young people there have their own social circles and I havent clicked with any of them.
• housemates: Ive lived in 2 houses since I've been up here and we all kept to ourselves.
• it may be me: I do have friends, just not here. I do make an effort to be nice and social with everyone I meet.
• volunteering: I havent tried it but I'm genuinely uninterested in it and heavily suspect it will have the same problems as sports teams and meetups combined.

If anyone has been in the same situation and got themselves out of it please let me know because this is very depressing. It seems that the only people looking for friends are people who shouldnt have friends because theyre repulsive in some way and maybe thats me too.

Thanks

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cloud493

Well I don't know if its very nice to call people off meetup.com weirdos.
As for sports stuff and work, you gotta keep plugging away it, Rome wasn't built in a day.

JuliusCaesar

I wonder what meetups you've been to?

As for the rest, it takes time to get to know people. You might make friends faster at work or college due to spending so much time with them - up to 40 hours a week. Compare that with 3-4 hours in a sports club - it'd take 10 weeks to spend that much time with them.

Take your time. It takes time. There's no point forcing it.

It's a numbers game too. Think how many people from your school ended up being friends. Get out and about as much as you can, get to know as many people as possible.

lonelyuphere

Thanks for the platitudes.

Ive been on the team for nearly a year.

Ive been to several different meetups but I dont want to be cruel and name them. Maybe calling them weirdos is too much but the people there are generally people who are desperate for friends because they have some psychological disorder or are recently divorced or widowed.

It seems to me that normal people here stick to their college and school friends which I would do if I could

truedoom

What do you actively enjoy doing?

bucketybuck

lonelyuphere wrote: »

• meetup.com: consists mainly of the middle aged, elderly or weirdos.

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Ive been to several different meetups but I dont want to be cruel and name them. Maybe calling them weirdos is too much but the people there are generally people who are desperate for friends because they have some psychological disorder or are recently divorced or widowed.

This bears all the hallmarks of a windup.

You do realise there are a huge variety of meetups in Dublin, shockingly there are even groups for those in their early twenties? :eek:

Birneybau

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Thanks for the platitudes.

Ive been on the team for nearly a year.

Ive been to several different meetups but I dont want to be cruel and name them. Maybe calling them weirdos is too much but the people there are generally people who are desperate for friends because they have some psychological disorder or are recently divorced or widowed.

It seems to me that normal people here stick to their college and school friends which I would do if I could

So, you find it hard to make friends? I wonder why tbh.

lonelyuphere

truedoom wrote: »

What do you actively enjoy doing?

Again, I cant really answer that question without insulting the people who go to those things but Ive gone to many different things that interest me.

bucketybuck wrote: »

shockingly there are even groups for those in their early twenties? :eek:

Its hard to answer that question but I may or may not have already gone to them and they may or may not have been full of weirdos and people who cant speak english.

bucketybuck

It really is hard to understand why you can't make friends.

schemingbohemia

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Thanks for the platitudes.

Sorry but it's definitely you.

lonelyuphere

Birneybau wrote: »

So, you find it hard to make friends? I wonder why tbh.

bucketybuck wrote: »

It really is hard to understand why you can't make friends.

schemingbohemia wrote: »

Sorry but it's definitely you.

I appreciate that Im coming across as a judgemental arsehole but I'm just begin honest.

The subtext of a lot of these answers is beggars cant be choosers and Im sure thats a comforting way to think of it from an ivory tower but you people wouldnt want to spend time with these people either. Is there a way to make friends with people who arent outcasts?

carlmango11

I see where the OP is coming from. It's easy enough to brush him off as just being judgemental or picky but I can understand if he wants to make friends his own age that aren't a bit insane.

OP, it's boards. No matter what you write you're going to get a flood of high-horse idiots trying to put you down. I honestly think it's a hobby for a lot of them.

It isn't easy making friends when you're an adult especially in a new city with a decent population. The more people there are, the more people keep to themselves/their own circles. I don't really have much advice but one thing is that you might need to actually ask people on your team what they're up to on the weekend or if they want to go for pints after a match etc. Ie: put yourself out there and let them know you're up for hanging out. It's really uncomfortable to do but it might just be a case of them assuming you have your own friends and social life.

Chucky the tree

It's perfectly fine to want to make friends you own age etc but the way you describe other people says a huge amount about the type of person you are. You're judgemental and/or "honest". They are two sides of the same coin.

People don't look at you and think "He's an honest guy." They probably all think "He's a dickhead". There is a reason you've gotten involved in lots of things and people in all of those things don't like you. Now if you're happy with this then fine, just accept that making friends will be very very difficult. You either need to learn that people don't like honesty, keep on trucking with no friends or wait to meet another "honest" person.

wahesh32

Hi OP,

I moved to Dublin from another country 2 years ago, and haven't found it terribly difficult to make friends. There are a huge amount of young people who have moved to Dublin from other countries to work/study, and they tend to be very willing to make new friends (mostly because they're in a similar situation to you). Also, it's nice to relate to people who understand what it's like to be in a new country. You can also learn a lot about a new culture.

It's been harder to become friends with Irish people who have lived in Dublin for a long time. They are typically settled with their routines of friends and family, and aren't exactly interested in making new friends (which would be the norm in pretty much every other city in the world). It's not to say that they're rude or anything (quite the opposite). It's just they're not looking for change.

However, you seem awfully close-minded in your original post. Maybe these people only seem like weirdos as a first impression. You can't be too picky in the beginning. I've made lots of friends with people who I hated after the first impression, but then got to know them. Try saying "yes" to every opportunity to hang out with these "weirdos". You never know.

Try a language exchange. There are tons of recent transplants from Spain/Italy/everywhere that want to have English speaking friends so they can improve their language ability.

Dublin is a young, vibrant, and social city. Keep trying.

lonelyuphere

Part of the reason I posted this is because if you google "making friends in Dublin" you get led to boards posts with the same trite answers that dont work over and over again and there could be other people like me in this hopeless situation so please forgive me for pressing the point so much.

carlmango11 wrote: »

I see where the OP is coming from. It's easy enough to brush him off as just being judgemental or picky but I can understand if he wants to make friends his own age that aren't a bit insane.

Genuinely, thank you so much for that reply.

Chucky the tree wrote: »

People don't look at you and think "He's an honest guy." They probably all think "He's a dickhead". There is a reason you've gotten involved in lots of things and people in all of those things don't like you.

Thanks, but youre mischaracterising the problem a little bit. Its not that they dont like me as much as I dont like them, I do have social skills, Im always nice to people, only brutally honest on forums. The only access I have to normal people is work and the team, id guess theres about 20 people in my age group from those 2 things and I just dont particularly get on or find myself interested in any of them and Id guess they feel the same way, I dont think either side is being rejected but where do I meet other normal people?

It seems to me that most people here stick to their established social circles from school and college, I can certainly understand why people do this. Is this unique to Dublin because I would consider moving? Maybe I need to quit my job and move to a younger workplace? These are drastic actions though and if they fail I'll be pretty severely depressed.

bren2001

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Part of the reason I posted this is because if you google "making friends in Dublin" you get led to boards posts with the same trite answers that dont work over and over again and there could be other people like me in this hopeless situation so please forgive me for pressing the point so much.

Genuinely, thank you so much for that reply.

Thanks, but youre mischaracterising the problem a little bit. Its not that they dont like me as much as I dont like them, I do have social skills, Im always nice to people, only brutally honest on forums. The only access I have to normal people is work and the team, id guess theres about 20 people in my age group from those 2 things and I just dont particularly get on or find myself interested in any of them and Id guess they feel the same way, I dont think either side is being rejected but where do I meet other normal people?

It seems to me that most people here stick to their established social circles from school and college, I can certainly understand why people do this. Is this unique to Dublin because I would consider moving? Maybe I need to quit my job and move to a younger workplace? These are drastic actions though and if they fail I'll be pretty severely depressed.

I understand where you are coming from. I get that it is hard to do and I never found joining a team or taking a class to work for younger people. The likes of meetup's etc. do attract as certain kind of people (nothing wrong with them) and if you are not in that mould, it is not the best thing for you.

However, what I fail to understand is what is bolded. Yes, you might not particularly like the person too much. I know I am completely different in work or playing in a local team to me when I am on a night out or with friends. But it is not really about that one person, you want to make friends with them and their friends. You might connect with someone he knows. That is the view I would take and say yes to every opportunity. Especially before quitting my job.

lonelyuphere

Thanks for your reply wahesh.

wahesh32 wrote: »

you seem awfully close-minded in your original post. Maybe these people only seem like weirdos as a first impression. You can't be too picky in the beginning. I've made lots of friends with people who I hated after the first impression, but then got to know them.

I try to be open minded but I have met many of these people more than once. Perhaps I shouldnt have used slurs like weirdos and outcasts but what Im basically talking about is people with autism, social anxiety and schizophrenics. I have compassion for these people but I just cant enjoy being around them and it actually makes me feel worse than being on my own.

wahesh32 wrote: »

Try a language exchange. There are tons of recent transplants from Spain/Italy/everywhere that want to have English speaking friends so they can improve their language ability.

I appreciate the advice but Id bet that the only Irish people who get involved in them are people who are working on their own language skills so Id feel creepy being there when I dont want to learn another language. Also its important for me to be able to talk to people in fluent English, I hope that isnt prejudice but its hard to enjoy someones company with that communication barrier.

Thanks Bren

bren2001 wrote: »

But it is not really about that one person, you want to make friends with them and their friends. You might connect with someone he knows. That is the view I would take and say yes to every opportunity.

I understand what youre getting at but there are no opportunities. I get on well enough with those people for chit chat but we dont have much in common so we both keep respectful distances from eachother and no one asks anyone to do anything. I couldnt push myself onto someone I dont even really want to spend more time than a lift ride with. I did go for a night out with one guy from the team and his friends interested me as much as he did.

Sorry for knocking everything back, I really do appreciate the replies but it just seems like Im ****ed and thats hard to take. Perhaps after all this it is just me. I notice that no one has replied with the same experience who managed to get out of it.

Chucky the tree

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Thanks, but youre mischaracterising the problem a little bit. Its not that they dont like me as much as I dont like them, I do have social skills, Im always nice to people, only brutally honest on forums. The only access I have to normal people is work and the team, id guess theres about 20 people in my age group from those 2 things and I just dont particularly get on or find myself interested in any of them and Id guess they feel the same way, I dont think either side is being rejected but where do I meet other normal people?

It seems to me that most people here stick to their established social circles from school and college, I can certainly understand why people do this. Is this unique to Dublin because I would consider moving? Maybe I need to quit my job and move to a younger workplace? These are drastic actions though and if they fail I'll be pretty severely depressed.

I find people are generally absolutely useless at recognizing their faults/problems. Not to be harsh here but the one common denominator in you trying to making friends and not being able to is you.

Have you considered that while you want to make friends, you're also afraid of making friends or at least attempting to properly make friends?

bucketybuck

lonelyuphere wrote: »

I try to be open minded but I have met many of these people more than once. Perhaps I shouldnt have used slurs like weirdos and outcasts but what Im basically talking about is people with autism, social anxiety and schizophrenics. I have compassion for these people but I just cant enjoy being around them and it actually makes me feel worse than being on my own.

Bullshit.

I know a meetup that goes skydiving, surfing and outdoor climbing, as well as for drinks regularly, you think those guys are all autistic? You think they aren't anything but super confident?

Face it, you probably went to one meetup, stood in the corner because you hadn't the balls to talk to anybody and now on the internet they were rubbish because nobody came into your corner to ask if they could please suck your dick.

lonelyuphere

Chucky the tree wrote: »

I find people are generally absolutely useless at recognizing their faults/problems. Not to be harsh here but the one common denominator in you trying to making friends and not being able to is you.

Have you considered that while you want to make friends, you're also afraid of making friends or at least attempting to properly make friends?

Honestly, yes, I have considered it a lot over the last year but I feel the real issue is being isolated. I just cant meet enough people to find anyone whos compatible. The only other way I have of looking at it is that Im too picky and should settle for anyone in my eye line but I think thats actually a more depressing prospect than loneliness

lonelyuphere

bucketybuck wrote: »

Bullshit.

I know a meetup that goes skydiving, surfing and outdoor climbing, as well as for drinks regularly, you think those guys are all autistic? You think they aren't anything but super confident?

Face it, you probably went to one meetup, stood in the corner because you hadn't the balls to talk to anybody and now on the internet they were rubbish because nobody came into your corner to ask if they could please suck your dick.

I call bull**** on your bull****. I have no interest in the stuff youve named there but I went to a varied bunch of those meetups and talked to everyone there and the pattern remained. Im sure the adrenaline junky crowd are great craic but not for the likes of me

Howard the Duck

new old friends take time

Chucky the tree

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Honestly, yes, I have considered it a lot over the last year but I feel the real issue is being isolated. I just cant meet enough people to find anyone whos compatible. The only other way I have of looking at it is that Im too picky and should settle for anyone in my eye line but I think thats actually a more depressing prospect than loneliness

You fear isolation yet you set the bar so high for a friend? That doesn't really make a huge amount of sense to me. I don't see why you need to be bff's straight away with someone. Rather than treating sports teams, meet-up, classes etc as search for finding a best friend why not just look at it as a way to spend your free time and do something you enjoy doing? Don't worry about the making friends part at all.

lonelyuphere

Chucky the tree wrote: »

You fear isolation yet you set the bar so high for a friend? That doesn't really make a huge amount of sense to me. I don't see why you need to be bff's straight away with someone. Rather than treating sports teams, meet-up, classes etc as search for finding a best friend why not just look at it as a way to spend your free time and do something you enjoy doing? Don't worry about the making friends part at all.

I dont think its setting the bar high to want friends who are normal, same age, similar sense of humour or interests .Are you saying that because I'm isolated I should just take whichever person I can get? Even if they dont like me and I dont like them? Seems worse than isolation to me.

Im not looking for best friends, just people who I can go out with basically.

I do view those activities that way but after a year of doing them Im realizing now that I'm still friendless so I have to do something.

January

Why don't you take a look around boards and start posting in some of the forums that you're interested. Each forum sometimes holds beers and meet ups and you could go along to one of those when you feel comfortable posting and you might find friends that way?

GLaDOS

bucketybuck wrote: »

Bullshit.

I know a meetup that goes skydiving, surfing and outdoor climbing, as well as for drinks regularly, you think those guys are all autistic? You think they aren't anything but super confident?

Face it, you probably went to one meetup, stood in the corner because you hadn't the balls to talk to anybody and now on the internet they were rubbish because nobody came into your corner to ask if they could please suck your dick.

Folks lets keep it civil please. Less of the rude language.

lonelyuphere

January wrote: »

Why don't you take a look around boards and start posting in some of the forums that you're interested. Each forum sometimes holds beers and meet ups and you could go along to one of those when you feel comfortable posting and you might find friends that way?

Great advice. Im on the site under a different name and the beers and meet ups seem to be few and far between. Also could suffer from the other meetup problems

geniuspure

Get a dog

lonelyuphere

geniuspure wrote: »

Get a dog

Have one

irelandrover

lonelyuphere wrote: »

Great advice. Im on the site under a different name and the beers and meet ups seem to be few and far between. Also could suffer from the other meetup problems

Judging by this line and one or two others, it seems to me a little that you are going to the meetups expecting not to meet people, expecting that people there are weird. If you go to a meetup with that attitude then that is what will be there. Maybe it is just the result of a year of trying with no real success.

Maybe you could go to some meetups of things that aren't really your main interests. Its tough when you move to a new city as you expect to develop friendships the same as you had in your previous location. The fact is that such strong friendships take time.

When i moved to a new city i also had language barriers as I didn't speak the local language. I joined a lot of clubs and forced myself to go to gigs and things in the area that I wouldn't have done at home.

it is possible to make new friends in a new city, but it takes time to build friendships. If you go to a different meetup or class every week then you cannot develop friendships.

Dellnum

I remember when I had no friends because all my friends were in relationships and I had just broken up with my o/h at the time, so I put an ad in the evening paper stating what I was looking for. I got a few replies and thus had friends to go around with until I ended up married. That was a few years ago now mind you, but you could try that.