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Pressures around Church weddings

ZiabR

How many of you have had a church wedding and actually wanted to have the church wedding? Or were you under pressure from family and parents to have a church wedding?

For example, I am getting married at the end of this year. I am an Atheist even though I was baptised and confirmed etc. This is before I was able to make my own mind up as to what I wanted to believe. Myself and my partner never go to mass but my partner would have some faith as that is the way they have been brought up.

We are having a church wedding, and the only reason for this is that my partners parents and family and very very holy, god fearing people that say the rosary every 2nd day etc. It annoys me that we have to go down the church route but if I am honest, the trouble it would cause if we were to have a civil ceremony would not be worth it.

So, how many of you have been in the same boat and felt you have had to have the church wedding to prevent family war?

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Witchie

Since I was 12 years old I told my parents I didn't want the nightmare of walking down an aisle wearing a big white dress on my wedding day. I always said I wanted to get married on a beach in the Caribbean. And that's what I did almost 21 years ago.

My parents, even though they were full blown church going catholics, knew there was no point in trying to talk me into any other kind of wedding so didn't even try. His parents were happy enough as they weren't religious.

If am lucky enough to get married again it will be a similar affair. Maybe not just the 2 of us like the last time, but it will be somewhere beautiful, probably outside and with only the people who matter most to us there.

I had the pleasure of being bridesmaid for my best mate in August. They had a truly beautiful, inspiring humanist wedding in a local hotel in her home town before getting cars and driving to a hotel in the next town for the reception. It seemed a strange thing to do but she wanted to get married somewhere that meant something to her and her family and this hotel did but she wanted the "driving to a different venue" experience and preferred the food, ambience and decor of the hotel in the neighbouring town for her reception.

A friend at the wedding who owns a hotel and had seen many civil ceremonies said that her humanist one was the nicest wedding he had ever witnessed. It was full of little "them" touches and music that meant something to them without loads of fairytale bull that they didn't believe in.

Basically what am trying to say is it is very possible to have your dream wedding without going to a church and at the end of the day the most important thing is for the couple to have the day they want, not a wedding that is done a certain way just to appease others.

Boom__Boom wrote: »

I have wondered for a while about the possibility of getting hold of a non-consecrated Church that has fallen out of use and simply renting it out so that anyone who wants could hold a civil ceremony (and soon hopefully a civil wedding) there.

I'm convinced there are a serious chunk of the folk who get married in churches get married in a church because it is a Church in the architectural sense as opposed to having anything at all to do with religion.

I have often thought of doing this or building a beautiful church style or oldy worldy barn type structure for weddings in my area as my friend found it difficult to find somewhere to marry that suited them until she thought of the local hotel.

kylith

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

I don't see them every day as I live a few hours away as it stands but my plan for the future is to settle down and build at home next door to my home house (as many of my close friends have done or are doing). I think it's very sad how people don't want to be close to their parents and have them as part of their day to day lives.

You might want them as part of your daily life, but will your partner? The only thing I can think of worse than my mother being able to walk into my house at any moment would be my mother-in-law being able to walk into my house at any moment. I'd never be able to relax.

Ghost Buster

FairytaleGirl wrote: »

It is something I have considered but not really looked into. I dont have an issue with the catholic religion itself - more the man made aspects - like judgement of others and disregarding basic principles (love thy neighbor)

But its all man made!

[Deleted User]

Wompa1 wrote: »

It seems like a lot of Irish men in particular, go home to mammy a few times a month.

A positive trait without a doubt surely? What's wrong with visiting home regularly?

eviltwin

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

A positive trait without a doubt surely? What's wrong with visiting home regularly?

Would you date a woman who didn't want to live beside your parents?

The_Valeyard

Ghost Buster wrote: »

But its all man made!

*rolls eyes to the heavens*

lazygal

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

A positive trait without a doubt surely? What's wrong with visiting home regularly?

Nothing wrong with it at all, as long as it's not something that affects your relationship. Me, it'd be a nightmare to be expected to be visiting my parents and in laws and consult them in decision-making for everything. Me and my husband have more to be doing than letting the parents dictate to us. I won't expect my children to include us in everything when they're adults.

kylith

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

A positive trait without a doubt surely? What's wrong with visiting home regularly?

Because it smacks of someone who not only hasn't cut the apron strings but is also incapable of doing his own washing. Especially if he expects to consult his parents on everything and intends to live next door to them.

What would you do if your partner was the same and consulted her parents for every decision and her parent's advised the opposite of your parents?

[Deleted User]

kylith wrote: »

Because it smacks of someone who not only hasn't cut the apron strings but is also incapable of doing his own washing. Especially if he expects to consult his parents on everything and intends to live next door to them.

What would you do if your partner was the same and consulted her parents for every decision and her parent's advised the opposite of your parents?

Well as she is in and out of her home place a few times a week it's safe to say it's seen as normal and a good trait that I'm close to my parents.

I will never understand this nonsense comments of "cutting the apron strings". Being close to your parents who are your closest family and the people who raised you should be standard. It's very sad I have to say how some people feel the need to distance themselves, they may very well regret it when their parents are gone.

There is a far bigger deal being made by some posters about how I run things past my parents also, you would swear I was asking if I should have a cup of tea or not it's obviously only important decisions which I don't see why should advise should not be looked for rather than making rash decisions like many people do.

[Deleted User]

Yeah but what if both sets of parents give conflicting advice

eviltwin

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Well as she is in and out of her home place a few times a week it's safe to say it's seen as normal and a good trait that I'm close to my parents.

I will never understand this nonsense comments of "cutting the apron strings". Being close to your parents who are your closest family and the people who raised you should standard. It's very sad I have to say how some people feel the need to distance themselves, they may very well regret it when their parents are gone.

You can still be close to your parents and have a good relationship with them with having to live next door.

shruikan2553

bluewolf wrote: »

Yeah but what if both sets of parents give conflicting advice

The council of mammies will meet up and find a solution for them.

[Deleted User]

eviltwin wrote: »

You can still be close to your parents and have a good relationship with them with having to live next door.

You can but maybe living next door is what some people want to do. That's before even getting into the financial advantages of building on your own land which is as big a reason as any for most people who live next door to home.

Malari

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

I will never understand this nonsense comments of "cutting the apron strings". Being close to your parents who are your closest family and the people who raised you should be standard. It's very sad I have to say how some people feel the need to distance themselves, they may very well regret it when their parents are gone.

There is a far bigger deal being made by some posters about how I run things past my parents also, you would swear I was asking if I should have a cup of tea or not it's obviously only important decisions which I don't see why should advise should not be looked for rather than making rash decisions like many people do.

There is a middle ground between running to your parents every day and not having any contact at all.

There is nothing wrong with seeking advice on big decisions you have to make in your life. I would think many people here do. But when it's a decision like how to get married, which is essentially something only you or your partner are affected by, it's not something most people like to seek advice on from their parents.

awec

There is absolutely no way I would ever live next door to either set of parents. Ever. Not even if buying a house next door was significantly cheaper.

Not that I don't want to see them, but that is just far too clingy. It reminds me of that thread recently where the OP had a wife who thought it was perfectly normal for her parents to call in to the house every single night for a cup of tea.

I would also say that my parents are entitled to some independence and quiet time themselves after years of raising children and not have to be concerned about one of their kids living right next door popping in and out all the time.

Magenta

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

I've 5 weddings this year and only one of the 5 isn't a church wedding, all the rest are full proper weddings.

You realise that weddings that don't take place in a church are still "proper"?

jaja321

It would drive me up the wall too. I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but no way I could live beside them..or probably even in the same town tbh. I like a bit of distance!

MrWalsh

I dont like the way Nox is being a bit ganged up on here.

Its not a bad thing to seek an opinion from a parent, Im sure many people do it. Its also a reasonably normal thing (particularly outside of Dublin) for people to live very close to parents. Its all grand so long as all parties are happy with the situation.

Good luck to Nox I say, so long ans himself and his parents are happy then no one else should be judging.

MrWalsh

I dont like the way Nox is being a bit ganged up on here.

Its not a bad thing to seek an opinion from a parent, Im sure many people do it. Its also a reasonably normal thing (particularly outside of Dublin) for people to live very close to parents. Its all grand so long as all parties are happy with the situation.

Good luck to Nox I say, so long and himself and his parents are happy then no one else should be judging.

McTigs

We had both

A civil on the thursday with just me, my wife and two witnesses (her brother and my cousin).... done an dusted in 5 minutes flat.

A church do on the Friday in a Church of Ireland church with all friends and family.

We did it that way because we wanted a friend of ours who is a pastor in the states to bless the marraige but because he is not Irish he couldn't legally marry us.... and we very hypocritically wanted a church do even though neither of us believe in god.

We asked the Church of Ireland if we could use their church for our fake wedding and they said fine for a few bob.

lazygal

shruikan2553 wrote: »

The council of mammies will meet up and find a solution for them.

Imagine if the children of two lesbian couples want to get married. Four Irish Mammies to contend with. :eek:

Iranoutofideas

I'm amazed at the amount of adults living in fear of the big bad granny who wants them to have a church wedding.

Tarzana2

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Basing it on the fact I've been invited to one wedding that's a civil ceremony in 30 years on this planet. 6 wedding in 2015 and only 1 out of 6 is not a full on traditional wedding.

What a useful sample size! :pac:

As posted earlier in the thread, church weddings are down from 90%+ twenty years ago to ~60% in the last few years. So despite your own anecdotal experience, on the whole the ratio is beginning to equalise. Some of this would be down to people remarrying and not being allowed to do it in a church, but mostly I'd say people just feel more free to break from the church wedding for their big day.

I can see church weddings continue to fall in popularity as more and more people attend civil ceremonies and decide that's what they want for themselves.

suicide_circus

Wompa1 wrote: »

You gotta pop that t1tty outta ya mouth at some stage.

Parents are your main support structure but when you become an adult you need to become independent. It seems like a lot of Irish men in particular, go home to mammy a few times a month. Us Irish men and the Italians have a reputation built on that...it's a bit sad.

Like others are saying. If you can't take being away from them for too long, you're likely not going to go against them on any of your big decisions if you think it might risk damaging that relationship and comfort.

I pop back home a couple of times a month to visit my parents because I love and respect them and they won't be around forever. If that makes me an embarrassing mammys boy then so be it, no regrets here.

marco_polo

We had a civil reception which was probably the first one a lot of the neighbours were ever at, I reckon any who we a little skeptical soon came around when they were back in the bar 30 minutes after the cermony :pac:.

Ghost Buster

marco_polo wrote: »

We had a civil reception which was probably the first one a lot of the neighbours were ever at, I reckon any who we a little skeptical soon came around when they were back in the bar 30 minutes after the cermony :pac:.

Same as that. We had a totally no frills civil bit on a Friday, just meself and herself and our parents. The next day we had a Hand Fasting in our back garden and a hooley in a Party Tent with an accompanying bouncy castle (for the kids..........;-) .13 years on its still being talked about and has had quite a few imitators.

[Deleted User]

One of my best friends got married last year. I was her bridesmaid. And I never realised how difficult planning a wedding was until that! Not so much the wedding itself, but family politics...

They were going to have the usual Irish church wedding with a reception in a hotel for 200+ people inviting 2nd cousin Mary and the neighbours down the road etc.. Almost had the contract signed for the hotel and deposit paid. But then they saw sense changed their minds to having a very small civil ceremony in a small boutique hotel with less than 50 people. Was much more suited to them, they don't really like fuss. They are also both non-religious. Her family were grand with it, they couldn't care less. But her grooms family FLIPPED! Mainly because they wouldn't have it in a church, and what would the neighbours think. And also because his parents couldn't invite all their own friends.

Until about a month before the wedding his Mother was flat out not going to the wedding :rolleyes: So much drama. Eventually she saw sense after they brought her to see the lovely hotel and the room they were having the ceremony in. It was a great wedding and his family agreed that it was after going to it. I'd say most families (like his) just want a bit of drama and to get their own way. But when it comes down to it they will go to the wedding and all be friends again.

A guy I work with is very vocal about his hate against the Catholic church/atheism, but is getting married in a church this year to keep his fiancee's family happy. The mind boggles.

My family would be more likely to disown me if I got married in a Church. Especially my Father. They are very anti-religion. Never in a million years would I get married in a church. The notion of it is bizarre to me, personally. If you are a Catholic/whatever religion then grand!

[Deleted User]

Magenta wrote: »

You realise that weddings that don't take place in a church are still "proper"?

Well it's a legal wedding of course but without the church part it does lack a significant part of the meaning of a wedding from a catholic perspective so it really depending on your definition of what a wedding is or involves.

I'll being going to a very good friends wedding later this year, going to be over 300 people at it full on traditional wedding over two days. That will feel like a proper do compared to a small ceremony in an office followed by a bit of food and drinks with a small crowd in pub or whatever. In opinion it wouldn't feel like a wedding.

shruikan2553

Galilea Cold Miner wrote: »

Well it's a legal wedding of course but without the church part it does lack a significant part of the meaning of a wedding from a catholic perspective so it really depending on your definition of what a wedding is or involves.

I'll being going to a very good friends wedding later this year, going to be over 300 people at it full on traditional wedding over two days. That will feel like a proper do compared to a small ceremony in an office followed by a bit of food and drinks with a small crowd in pub or whatever. In opinion it wouldn't feel like a wedding.

You do know that its not a choice between wedding + large party vs the back office + pub right?

Wompa1

suicide_circus wrote: »

I pop back home a couple of times a month to visit my parents because I love and respect them and they won't be around forever. If that makes me an embarrassing mammys boy then so be it, no regrets here.

Depends. Without fail? Do you feel homesick if you don't? Are you going because your mammy is giving you something you crave? I may not have put that well. I mean if you are co-dependant on your parents and that's why you're going home...that in turn would lead to you not wanting to or fearing hurting that relationship which then in turn would lead to you not wanting to disappoint them when it comes to big decisions, such as a wedding.